2010- The world stops. She can hear her husband sobbing inconsolably. He is
screaming, "No, no. Do something. Can't you save him?" She can hear his
wails but is completely numb. She feels nothing.
Flash
2014- I am driving to my 36 (almost) week scan. Frostina is with a sitter and The Hubby is out of town. I am blasting the radio and singing along.
Flash
2010- She and her husband are sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in and do her ultrasound. While they are grateful that they have a doctor to do all their scans, it's annoying when he runs late as he is prone to do. They have already waited over 30 minutes just to get in the room and now they are waiting again. She is annoyed because she worries that the smoothie she drank to wake the baby up will "wear off" before the scan finally starts.
Flash
2014- It's my 36 week scan. A huge milestone for me. In my first pregnancy it's where things all fell apart. A fact that I am doing my best to repress. After all, I decided to try and focus on the good things and not the fear this time around. I turn the radio up and sing a little louder.
Flash
2010- She is 36 weeks pregnant with her miracle baby. There were lots of worries along the way but once they got the good results at their 20 week scan she has been anxiously awaiting the arrival of their much wanted baby boy. They are all clear.
The day is hectic. Her Hubby has invited a group of his employees over for dinner because they are all in town for a meeting. He has escaped this meeting for the scan but has to rush back once it's over. The plan is to have the scan; meet with her OB to discuss the results; and then he goes back to work and she goes home to finish cooking the chili and tidying up the house before everyone arrives. So this delay for the scan is quite annoying.
Finally he goes out to see what the delay is. After all, they both have a very busy day and they have waited long enough. The doctor comes in a few minutes later full of apologies and excuses for his tardiness. He readies the machine and begins the scan.
The two of them look to the screen to see their little boy.
He begins to focus on the head and starts to take measurements, just like normal. But then there is a hesitation. She notices but brushes it off. He backs up the scan and starts again. This time looking at the head from a different angle, and then another. Then he quickly switches views to one she isn't familiar with. His tone changes and he starts asking her questions.
Flash
2014- She knows what's coming next. This memory has been creeping up on her for weeks. You can repress these things but somehow they have a way of catching up to you. She can feel the tears well up in her eyes as she drives down the Florida Turnpike.
Flash
2010- When was the last time you felt the baby move? The answer was an hour ago, just after the smoothie. She finds out later that this couldn't possibly be true. He goes on to ask if there has been a decrease in movement lately. The answer was, "Of course because we all know they run out of room at the end."
Flash
2014- The tears are now flowing. Turning up the radio and singing loudly doesn't deter them.
Flash
2010- She can't figure out why he is asking these questions while flicking the ultrasound machine from one body part to another. He wants to know exactly when she noticed a decrease in movement. He asks several ways before she finally becomes alarmed. "Why do you want to know this?" she finally asks.
Silence.
Flash
2014- Stop thinking about this. Think about something else.
Flash
2010- "Why do you want to know this?" she asks. It's at this point that she feels her hubby gripping her hand very tightly... though she takes no notice.
Pause
"Why are you asking me this?" she asks again. This time she is starting to sense that all is not well.
"I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."
Flash
2014- Seriously, why are you going there? You need to stop. You are driving. You promised yourself that you wouldn't do this to yourself this pregnancy. Things are going so much better this time. You have a diagnosis, you have medication, and this baby is doing much better than your son or Frostina. You need to snap out of it. NOW!
Flash
2010- The world stops. She can hear her husband sobbing inconsolably. He is screaming, "No, no. Do something. Can't you save him?" She can hear his wails but is completely numb. She feels nothing.
It's pandemonium at this point. The girl assisting the scan leaves the room. Shortly after that, their OB enters the room to confirm the devastating news. There are no signs of life, their baby is dead. Based on what they can see, he has been gone for at least a week.
Flash
2014- To this day I still can't belive I didn't know. I still can't believe that I thought I could feel him moving... even after I knew he was gone.
It's raining outside now, a reflection of my inner mood. But again it's time to snap out of it. I promised myself I would.
Flash
2010- Phone calls have to be made. She calls her parents in California and wakes them up. She has lost track of time and has no idea what time it is for them. Her Hubby has to call his employees to tell them he won't be back for the rest of the day, and that the BBQ and chili dinner are off. They want to know why and of course he has to tell them.
More sobs and wails from her Husband, but she is still completely numb. The truth won't hit her for hours, but when it does it will feel like a building falling on her.
Flash
2014- Ok, enough already. I'm serious... it's time to snap out of it. You have to drive in the rain and you don't want to get into an accident now do you?
So I wipe my tears and pull myself together. It's been a very long time since I've had any flashbacks and I can't say I miss them.
This whole episode happened to me last week and it's taken this long for me to be able to write about it. I swear, just about the time I think I've got my grief under control it comes back to let me know I don't. I read a post earlier this week that Brooke wrote about grief coming to visit when you least expect it. Well I'm here to testify that grief is truly it's own entity and it comes to visit on it's schedule, not yours. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, it's always just around the corner.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Showing posts with label pregnancy after loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy after loss. Show all posts
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Shields Up
This pregnancy I have become a master at defense mechanisms. Not by choice really, but it seems to be my standard operating mode- Full Shields Up.
I spent the entire pregnancy with Frostina being scared. Petrified would be a better word. I was sure that at any moment it would all go wrong again. I fretted and cried and fretted some more. I made myself miserable with stress and fear and worry. I'm not upset at myself about it because it was the only way I knew how to be pregnant after a loss. It was my standard operating mode.
This time around things are very different. For one thing, I have Frostina to chase around. Plus there's the international move, trying to find a new house, and getting my new life sorted here in Florida. I am busy and have much less time to sit around being scared.
But it's more than that I think. I think this time around I just can't be fearful the entire time. I can't be worried all the time that this baby will die. I barely survived a fear-filled pregnancy and I think I just can't do it again. So my smart little brain has figured out how to put the walls up and help me to focus on the rest of my life, not just the pregnancy. I have no idea how it happened or how long it will last. I may wake up tomorrow and feel completely different,,, and that's ok,,, but for now this is how I feel and what seems to be working for me.
A bit of the old me has crept back in. The old me that stayed away from sad and scary stories. The old me that truly believed that ignorance in some cases is bliss. The old me that actually allows myself to believe that being pregnant means you will be coming home with a living baby in the end. I'm not as foolish as the old me though. I do know that avoiding bad thoughts and stories doesn't protect you from having them happen. This time I am choosing to focus on the positive as opposed to hiding from the negative.
I have found myself shying away from many of my old haunts here in the internet. I am no longer drawn to every sad story of women who like me have lost children. Not because I don't care about them or don't relate anymore,,,, because I still do. But more because I don't need to connect to the pain of others the way I used to. There was a time when I craved that kind of affirmation, to know I wasn't alone. But now it all feels a bit too much, a bit too indulgent, a bit like I need to spend my time focusing on my life as it is now.
Trust me, this is not a happy, I'm over it now post. I'm so not over it. But I can't dwell on it like I used to. I can't let it consume me day in and day out. I have to do things like paint Baby Olea's room in the new house and go through Frostina's old clothes to see how many are suitable for the sunny Florida climate.
I have to move forward and live my life. And for now that means not dwelling so much on the past. Never forgetting my beloved son of course, but perhaps filing things away. Away behind the defensive walls, behind the shields. The way you put important things away in a very safe place you know you can revisit when you need to. Put away for safe keeping as opposed to being put in a frame sitting in your front room.
I spent the entire pregnancy with Frostina being scared. Petrified would be a better word. I was sure that at any moment it would all go wrong again. I fretted and cried and fretted some more. I made myself miserable with stress and fear and worry. I'm not upset at myself about it because it was the only way I knew how to be pregnant after a loss. It was my standard operating mode.
This time around things are very different. For one thing, I have Frostina to chase around. Plus there's the international move, trying to find a new house, and getting my new life sorted here in Florida. I am busy and have much less time to sit around being scared.
But it's more than that I think. I think this time around I just can't be fearful the entire time. I can't be worried all the time that this baby will die. I barely survived a fear-filled pregnancy and I think I just can't do it again. So my smart little brain has figured out how to put the walls up and help me to focus on the rest of my life, not just the pregnancy. I have no idea how it happened or how long it will last. I may wake up tomorrow and feel completely different,,, and that's ok,,, but for now this is how I feel and what seems to be working for me.
A bit of the old me has crept back in. The old me that stayed away from sad and scary stories. The old me that truly believed that ignorance in some cases is bliss. The old me that actually allows myself to believe that being pregnant means you will be coming home with a living baby in the end. I'm not as foolish as the old me though. I do know that avoiding bad thoughts and stories doesn't protect you from having them happen. This time I am choosing to focus on the positive as opposed to hiding from the negative.
I have found myself shying away from many of my old haunts here in the internet. I am no longer drawn to every sad story of women who like me have lost children. Not because I don't care about them or don't relate anymore,,,, because I still do. But more because I don't need to connect to the pain of others the way I used to. There was a time when I craved that kind of affirmation, to know I wasn't alone. But now it all feels a bit too much, a bit too indulgent, a bit like I need to spend my time focusing on my life as it is now.
Trust me, this is not a happy, I'm over it now post. I'm so not over it. But I can't dwell on it like I used to. I can't let it consume me day in and day out. I have to do things like paint Baby Olea's room in the new house and go through Frostina's old clothes to see how many are suitable for the sunny Florida climate.
I have to move forward and live my life. And for now that means not dwelling so much on the past. Never forgetting my beloved son of course, but perhaps filing things away. Away behind the defensive walls, behind the shields. The way you put important things away in a very safe place you know you can revisit when you need to. Put away for safe keeping as opposed to being put in a frame sitting in your front room.
Tuesday, 15 April 2014
A Diagnosis, After All This Time
When my son died and was born they performed an autopsy. When the report came back the results were somewhat inconclusive, you can read about all that here if you want. It's painful for me to click back there and read just how broken I was back then, but I digress.
Anyway, the report basically said that the placenta failed. It was attacked by an infection or virus of unknown origin. My son was tested and I was tested and no infection or virus was ever found. The conclusion at the time was that it was a fluke and not something that could happen again.
I entered my pregnancy with Frostina with LOTS of fear and trepidation. I was worried that something would go wrong again, because that was all I knew. But I didn't worry that the exact same thing could happen, because I had been told specifically that it wouldn't.
So you will imagine my surprise when the exact same thing did happen, only this time the outcome wasn't fatal. You can read all the details here if you like. In a nutshell, Frostina's placenta had degraded as well and her fluid level was very very low on delivery day. My doctor surmised that the "infection or virus" was in fact an auto immune response by my body to the pregnancy. In essence, my body attacks pregnancies like they are an unwanted foreign body.
It was quite a bitter pill to swallow, to know that my body killed my son and was trying to kill my daughter. But at least the mystery was finally solved. At least I knew it wasn't just a fluke. It was a real thing that I could watch out for and hopefully prevent in future pregnancies.
I relayed all of this "history" to my new and super awesome perinatologist who I met with last week. If you're scratching your head at this point, I apologize for not writing about all of this before but life has been super crazy around here. Anyway, when I mentioned the auto immune part to him he ordered a bunch of tests to see if we could identify what it was. Some pretty scary test names were rattled off including lupus which really freaked me out.
Yesterday I got a call from the doctor himself, so I knew it wasn't an "all clear" call because those are normally made by the nurses in the office. It turns out that I don't have any of the super scary auto immune disorders like lupus which is a huge relief. But I did have one test that came back positive. I won't put the name of it here because it has a super medical name and even when you try to google it you don't get a good definition. Plus I try to steer away from all the medical lingo here on the blog because I'm no doctor and I don't want people looking for real medical advice to be directed here.
The way the doctor explained it to me, this particular antibody that I have can cause increased clotting. My levels aren't super high so it hasn't caused any clotting for me, but the blood vessels that feed the placenta are very small. He explained that it's possible that these antibodies could have caused tiny clots in the placenta that would have impeded blood flow and may very well be the cause of the death of my son and the issues with Frostina's last week in-utero. Of course he says he can't be 100% sure, but he thinks it's more likely than not.
So starting today I have to take a small dose of heparin (which is a blood thinner) each day. It's an injection which I had really hoped I was all done with, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure Baby Olea arrives alive and healthy. As the doctor was telling me about the injections I could tell he was worried that I was afraid of doing them. I reminded him that I had done all of my own IVF injections and if I can do a progesterone in oil jab with a 1 inch needle into my thigh each day, I can certainly do a tiny one in my belly. He laughed and joked that I'm an expert which sadly I am.
So later on this morning I'm off to my new pharmacy to pick up my new set of needles and medication. That's what I get for bragging that I was finally all done injecting myself this pregnancy. I am happy that we have a plan to help keep Baby Olea safe, and I am very impressed with my perinatologist.
After all this time I have an official diagnosis for what caused my son to die. It feels strange. On the one hand it's nice to know finally what happened. But on the other hand it's sad to have confirmation that it's my fault. That for some reason, my body contains antibodies that attack pregnancies. But in the end, it's good to know. It's good to have a diagnosis.
It's too bad a diagnosis can't go back and re-write history.
Anyway, the report basically said that the placenta failed. It was attacked by an infection or virus of unknown origin. My son was tested and I was tested and no infection or virus was ever found. The conclusion at the time was that it was a fluke and not something that could happen again.
I entered my pregnancy with Frostina with LOTS of fear and trepidation. I was worried that something would go wrong again, because that was all I knew. But I didn't worry that the exact same thing could happen, because I had been told specifically that it wouldn't.
So you will imagine my surprise when the exact same thing did happen, only this time the outcome wasn't fatal. You can read all the details here if you like. In a nutshell, Frostina's placenta had degraded as well and her fluid level was very very low on delivery day. My doctor surmised that the "infection or virus" was in fact an auto immune response by my body to the pregnancy. In essence, my body attacks pregnancies like they are an unwanted foreign body.
It was quite a bitter pill to swallow, to know that my body killed my son and was trying to kill my daughter. But at least the mystery was finally solved. At least I knew it wasn't just a fluke. It was a real thing that I could watch out for and hopefully prevent in future pregnancies.
I relayed all of this "history" to my new and super awesome perinatologist who I met with last week. If you're scratching your head at this point, I apologize for not writing about all of this before but life has been super crazy around here. Anyway, when I mentioned the auto immune part to him he ordered a bunch of tests to see if we could identify what it was. Some pretty scary test names were rattled off including lupus which really freaked me out.
Yesterday I got a call from the doctor himself, so I knew it wasn't an "all clear" call because those are normally made by the nurses in the office. It turns out that I don't have any of the super scary auto immune disorders like lupus which is a huge relief. But I did have one test that came back positive. I won't put the name of it here because it has a super medical name and even when you try to google it you don't get a good definition. Plus I try to steer away from all the medical lingo here on the blog because I'm no doctor and I don't want people looking for real medical advice to be directed here.
The way the doctor explained it to me, this particular antibody that I have can cause increased clotting. My levels aren't super high so it hasn't caused any clotting for me, but the blood vessels that feed the placenta are very small. He explained that it's possible that these antibodies could have caused tiny clots in the placenta that would have impeded blood flow and may very well be the cause of the death of my son and the issues with Frostina's last week in-utero. Of course he says he can't be 100% sure, but he thinks it's more likely than not.
So starting today I have to take a small dose of heparin (which is a blood thinner) each day. It's an injection which I had really hoped I was all done with, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure Baby Olea arrives alive and healthy. As the doctor was telling me about the injections I could tell he was worried that I was afraid of doing them. I reminded him that I had done all of my own IVF injections and if I can do a progesterone in oil jab with a 1 inch needle into my thigh each day, I can certainly do a tiny one in my belly. He laughed and joked that I'm an expert which sadly I am.
So later on this morning I'm off to my new pharmacy to pick up my new set of needles and medication. That's what I get for bragging that I was finally all done injecting myself this pregnancy. I am happy that we have a plan to help keep Baby Olea safe, and I am very impressed with my perinatologist.
After all this time I have an official diagnosis for what caused my son to die. It feels strange. On the one hand it's nice to know finally what happened. But on the other hand it's sad to have confirmation that it's my fault. That for some reason, my body contains antibodies that attack pregnancies. But in the end, it's good to know. It's good to have a diagnosis.
It's too bad a diagnosis can't go back and re-write history.
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
A Fresh Start
In preparation for our big move back to the USA we have been de-cluttering. Going through drawers and dark cupboards throwing away all the things we saved thinking we would want someday. I am amazed at how much clutter a family of 3 can manage to collect.
It can be very freeing to get rid of old stuff. I think we tend to collect it because it feels comfortable and sometimes a clean sweep is just what we need. I love the look of a newly cleaned shelf (with lots of space to buy new stuff to shove there someday). It somehow feels like a fresh start.
All was going well until I stumbled across my trusty Bag O Meds. If you've even done any kind of fertility treatment you will be familiar with this, in fact you may have one of your own. Its the bag you put all your various medications and needles in when you're in the middle of treatment.
I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but getting rid of this bag before I have another healthy baby in the house is hard for me. It almost feels arrogant to assume that just because I'm 22 weeks pregnant that all will be well and I will never need to inject myself with another vial of progesterone in oil again. Obviously that is the dream, but I know all too well that pregnancy can go wrong at any time.
So what to do with the bag and it's contents? US customs and immigration rules are very strict these days. You can't even bring food into the country in your shipment due to new bio-terrorism laws. I'm sure they would make exceptions for medicine, but do I really want to take a chance that our whole shipment will be held up in customs just for a superstition? I could carry it on the plane with me as I have done so many times before when I was in treatment, but with all the other luggage we will have it seems impractical.
When I asked The Hubby for advice he shrugged and said to dump it. He seemed confused at my hesitation. I then reminded him that I didn't get rid of the lupron left over from Frostina's IVF cycle until after she was home from the hospital. In fact, when I dug Bag O Meds out from the garage to stuff it full of medication for the cycle we just did with Baby Olea it still had progesterone and del estrogen bottles in it, expired of course.
So getting rid of it all; the needles, and the alcohol swabs, and the cotton balls, and the bandaids, and the vials of medication, and the injection schedule I got from the clinic; getting rid of it all before Baby Olea is with us is a tough one for me. Because I would rather hold onto it (just in case she says in a whisper).
But holding onto this particular bag in this particular set of circumstances just isn't practical. So I took a deep breath, grabbed a trash bag, and got to work emptying the bag. It was easy and it was hard.
I'd like to say that when it was done I felt more free. That I was happy to have a clean sweep and a fresh start. In reality I have anxiety about it. It's silly I know. If the retention of specific objects could keep babies alive then none of would ever find ourselves in the Baby Loss Mom's Club in the first place. But I found comfort in the ritual.
So now I've just got to move on and try to enjoy my fresh start.
It can be very freeing to get rid of old stuff. I think we tend to collect it because it feels comfortable and sometimes a clean sweep is just what we need. I love the look of a newly cleaned shelf (with lots of space to buy new stuff to shove there someday). It somehow feels like a fresh start.
All was going well until I stumbled across my trusty Bag O Meds. If you've even done any kind of fertility treatment you will be familiar with this, in fact you may have one of your own. Its the bag you put all your various medications and needles in when you're in the middle of treatment.
I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but getting rid of this bag before I have another healthy baby in the house is hard for me. It almost feels arrogant to assume that just because I'm 22 weeks pregnant that all will be well and I will never need to inject myself with another vial of progesterone in oil again. Obviously that is the dream, but I know all too well that pregnancy can go wrong at any time.
So what to do with the bag and it's contents? US customs and immigration rules are very strict these days. You can't even bring food into the country in your shipment due to new bio-terrorism laws. I'm sure they would make exceptions for medicine, but do I really want to take a chance that our whole shipment will be held up in customs just for a superstition? I could carry it on the plane with me as I have done so many times before when I was in treatment, but with all the other luggage we will have it seems impractical.
When I asked The Hubby for advice he shrugged and said to dump it. He seemed confused at my hesitation. I then reminded him that I didn't get rid of the lupron left over from Frostina's IVF cycle until after she was home from the hospital. In fact, when I dug Bag O Meds out from the garage to stuff it full of medication for the cycle we just did with Baby Olea it still had progesterone and del estrogen bottles in it, expired of course.
So getting rid of it all; the needles, and the alcohol swabs, and the cotton balls, and the bandaids, and the vials of medication, and the injection schedule I got from the clinic; getting rid of it all before Baby Olea is with us is a tough one for me. Because I would rather hold onto it (just in case she says in a whisper).
But holding onto this particular bag in this particular set of circumstances just isn't practical. So I took a deep breath, grabbed a trash bag, and got to work emptying the bag. It was easy and it was hard.
I'd like to say that when it was done I felt more free. That I was happy to have a clean sweep and a fresh start. In reality I have anxiety about it. It's silly I know. If the retention of specific objects could keep babies alive then none of would ever find ourselves in the Baby Loss Mom's Club in the first place. But I found comfort in the ritual.
So now I've just got to move on and try to enjoy my fresh start.
Monday, 17 February 2014
17 Weeks And In Denial
I had my 16 week check up last week and all is well with little Baby Olea. My doctor has a small portable ultrasound machine so even on non-scan appointments I get to see her. It's always nice to have a peek to see how she is doing. Especially since I have an anterior placenta this time around so I hardly ever feel her moving around.
Does anyone have experience with anterior placentas? Will I feel less movement the entire pregnancy? Or just in the beginning?
On the way home from the appointment I realised just how much I am still in denial about being pregnant. When I was pregnant with Frostina I could barely sleep the night before any doctors appointment because I was absolutely sure I was going to be told bad news. I would stress for days before each scan.
This time, not so much.
Denial is a funny thing I guess.
It's easy to be in denial at this point. I'm in the just showing/could be getting fatter phase of pregnancy. I'm still wearing lots of my pre-pregnancy baggy sweaters so most days if you didn't know you would be afraid to guess. It's only on days when I'm wearing my maternity tops that it's more obvious.
Not really being able to feel Olea yet contributes as well. As does the fact that I have Frostina to chase around and keep my mind occupied.
I do have a few reminders that snap me out of my denial. The no-booze thing for one, and then there's the list of foods I can't eat. At least I'm remembering about them.
Oh, and I'm obsessing about baby names. I'm hoping that once we decide on her name that this baby will feel more real.
Perhaps this denial is a defense mechanism. I was so incredibly fearful during my pregnancy with Frostina that maybe my brain can't do it again. So instead it pretends to "forget" I'm pregnant so that I won't be so terrified this time. Either that or I'm just too tired chasing Frostina around to obsess like I did last time.
It's quite a strange phenomenon though. Though if experience serves me well, I'm sure it's one that will pass soon and the panic and fear will set in. So maybe I need to enjoy it while it lasts.
Does anyone have experience with anterior placentas? Will I feel less movement the entire pregnancy? Or just in the beginning?
On the way home from the appointment I realised just how much I am still in denial about being pregnant. When I was pregnant with Frostina I could barely sleep the night before any doctors appointment because I was absolutely sure I was going to be told bad news. I would stress for days before each scan.
This time, not so much.
Denial is a funny thing I guess.
It's easy to be in denial at this point. I'm in the just showing/could be getting fatter phase of pregnancy. I'm still wearing lots of my pre-pregnancy baggy sweaters so most days if you didn't know you would be afraid to guess. It's only on days when I'm wearing my maternity tops that it's more obvious.
Not really being able to feel Olea yet contributes as well. As does the fact that I have Frostina to chase around and keep my mind occupied.
I do have a few reminders that snap me out of my denial. The no-booze thing for one, and then there's the list of foods I can't eat. At least I'm remembering about them.
Oh, and I'm obsessing about baby names. I'm hoping that once we decide on her name that this baby will feel more real.
Perhaps this denial is a defense mechanism. I was so incredibly fearful during my pregnancy with Frostina that maybe my brain can't do it again. So instead it pretends to "forget" I'm pregnant so that I won't be so terrified this time. Either that or I'm just too tired chasing Frostina around to obsess like I did last time.
It's quite a strange phenomenon though. Though if experience serves me well, I'm sure it's one that will pass soon and the panic and fear will set in. So maybe I need to enjoy it while it lasts.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot
As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.
I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.
I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.
Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).
I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.
Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.
So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.
I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.
I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."
Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.
Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.
*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.
I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.
I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.
Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).
I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.
Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.
So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.
I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.
I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."
Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.
Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.
*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.
Friday, 24 January 2014
The Pregnancy **After** The Pregnancy After Loss
A lot is written about pregnancy loss and almost as much is written about pregnancy after a loss. I've done quite a bit of writing about it here and on various other pregnancy loss blogs, grief blogs, and on BlogHer about this very subject and I've done a bunch of reading on the topic as well. I suppose you could say I've become a bit of an expert on the subject. Not that this a subject that anyone wants to know intimately, but sadly that's how things have happened for me.
We hear about the shock and horror of the initial loss and the complete and utter devastation it leaves in it wake. We cheer for these women as they struggle to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and put the pieces back together.
We read about their subsequent pregnancies with trepidation. We leave encouraging comments for them and wish them all the best. We wait with anticipation for them to be blessed with their rainbow babies. Those amazing and precious babies that come after a loss. We are so relieved for them when we know that they have finally had their "happy ending."
But what about the pregnancy after that?
I've just begun to navigate my way through the pregnancy after the pregnancy after loss. I wasn't expecting it to feel any different than my previous pregnancy, but it does. Last time around my experience was that every time I get pregnant, my baby dies at 36 weeks. I had no other alternative in my head. My only experience of pregnancy was of tragedy and loss.
I now know what it feels like to have experienced both sides of the coin. One pregnancy where my baby died and my life was shattered. Another pregnancy where my baby was born alive and healthy. One ride home from hospital with empty arms crying into my husbands chest. And another pregnancy where I rode home with my beautiful daughter and struggled to figure out how to get the car seat to latch into the car.
Last pregnancy I was "sure" that things would go wrong. This time I'm more hopeful. I'm less fearful. I'm able to think ahead and start looking for double buggies (strollers). Not to buy one of course, because that would be tempting fate. But at least I've allowed myself to do the research. You have no idea what a big step that is. If you've been around for a while you will remember that I didn't allow anything in my house for Frostina until after she was born.
It's not all goodness and light though. I certainly haven't reverted back to the person I was during my first pregnancy. The person who just knew that once I had my 12 week scan and all was well that I was for sure going to be bringing home a healthy baby in the end. I know all too well that there are no guarantees in life.
I know full well that even if you are a Baby Loss Mom, you don't get a free pass for all future pregnancies. One of my fellow BLM's just had her baby after her rainbow baby and it was not all smooth sailing. She had some complications right near the end that nearly resulted in another terrible loss. If it weren't for her absolute insistence that something wasn't right, and her brilliant doctor who followed her gut, things may have ended badly. Thankfully, all is well and she was able to take her beautiful daughter home with her.
I have a 50/50 history with pregnancies, which is much better than the 100% fail rate I had last time. I know those odds still look pretty grim to those of you who don't live in a world where babies die. But from where I'm sitting they offer hope. I have now lived the happy ending, and I want it again. More importantly, I believe I can have it again. That's a huge mind set change from last time around.
I have no idea if I will feel this way throughout this pregnancy. It's entirely possible that as Baby Oleo's due date approaches, all the old fears and paranoia will return. All I know is that this pregnancy is different than the last one, and I feel differently about it. It will be interesting to reflect on just how different it is as time goes on.
Have any of you been through this? If so, how did you feel during your pregnancy and how was it different than the one before? Oh, and what do you call the baby after your rainbow baby? Are they a rainbow baby as well?
We hear about the shock and horror of the initial loss and the complete and utter devastation it leaves in it wake. We cheer for these women as they struggle to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and put the pieces back together.
We read about their subsequent pregnancies with trepidation. We leave encouraging comments for them and wish them all the best. We wait with anticipation for them to be blessed with their rainbow babies. Those amazing and precious babies that come after a loss. We are so relieved for them when we know that they have finally had their "happy ending."
But what about the pregnancy after that?
I've just begun to navigate my way through the pregnancy after the pregnancy after loss. I wasn't expecting it to feel any different than my previous pregnancy, but it does. Last time around my experience was that every time I get pregnant, my baby dies at 36 weeks. I had no other alternative in my head. My only experience of pregnancy was of tragedy and loss.
I now know what it feels like to have experienced both sides of the coin. One pregnancy where my baby died and my life was shattered. Another pregnancy where my baby was born alive and healthy. One ride home from hospital with empty arms crying into my husbands chest. And another pregnancy where I rode home with my beautiful daughter and struggled to figure out how to get the car seat to latch into the car.
Last pregnancy I was "sure" that things would go wrong. This time I'm more hopeful. I'm less fearful. I'm able to think ahead and start looking for double buggies (strollers). Not to buy one of course, because that would be tempting fate. But at least I've allowed myself to do the research. You have no idea what a big step that is. If you've been around for a while you will remember that I didn't allow anything in my house for Frostina until after she was born.
It's not all goodness and light though. I certainly haven't reverted back to the person I was during my first pregnancy. The person who just knew that once I had my 12 week scan and all was well that I was for sure going to be bringing home a healthy baby in the end. I know all too well that there are no guarantees in life.
I know full well that even if you are a Baby Loss Mom, you don't get a free pass for all future pregnancies. One of my fellow BLM's just had her baby after her rainbow baby and it was not all smooth sailing. She had some complications right near the end that nearly resulted in another terrible loss. If it weren't for her absolute insistence that something wasn't right, and her brilliant doctor who followed her gut, things may have ended badly. Thankfully, all is well and she was able to take her beautiful daughter home with her.
I have a 50/50 history with pregnancies, which is much better than the 100% fail rate I had last time. I know those odds still look pretty grim to those of you who don't live in a world where babies die. But from where I'm sitting they offer hope. I have now lived the happy ending, and I want it again. More importantly, I believe I can have it again. That's a huge mind set change from last time around.
I have no idea if I will feel this way throughout this pregnancy. It's entirely possible that as Baby Oleo's due date approaches, all the old fears and paranoia will return. All I know is that this pregnancy is different than the last one, and I feel differently about it. It will be interesting to reflect on just how different it is as time goes on.
Have any of you been through this? If so, how did you feel during your pregnancy and how was it different than the one before? Oh, and what do you call the baby after your rainbow baby? Are they a rainbow baby as well?
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Baby Oleo
I know I have been a bit more lax about writing these days. Not just in frequency, but in depth. I am so distracted with Frostina that I don't have as much time in the day to really sit down and write. By the time she goes to bed I'm so tired that all I want to do is eat dinner and veg in front of the TV.
I feel bad because I really love this space. It was my lifeline in the early days of grief and became a huge support during my pregnancy with Frostina. It's weird how something that was so important to me has become something that I have cast aside. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I don't seem to need it as much.
But I still want it, so I'm going to try harder.
I'm going to begin with a confession. I feel awful that I haven't given this new baby a blog name. Frostina had her name before conception and this poor little one is still nameless. They do say that your second (living) baby doesn't get as much attention as your first (living) baby. I wonder if this is the beginning of that? Who knew that second (living) baby syndrome could start so early???
Naming Frostina was easy. She was my frozen embryo who we called Frosty until we figured out she was a girl. That's when we started calling her Frostina. This baby was from a fresh cycle and somehow "Freshie" doesn't have the same ring as "Frosty." I'd love to come up with something clever but alas, my clever gene seems to be in remission at the moment.
So I'm going to use the name we have been using at home, "Baby-Oleo." Why Baby-Oleo you ask? Well you see, when Frostina gets really excited about something we are going to give her (mostly food) she says ole-ole-oh a bunch of times. It's really cute and we like to copy her.
So when we found out I was pregnant I joked by saying "ole-ole-oh." Then I figured out that oleo rhymes with embryo (well sort of). So we started calling him/her Embry-oleo. That got shortened to oleo at some point and at the moment we're mostly using the name "Baby-Oleo."
I suppose that if Baby Oleo ends up being a girl that we will have to find a girly modification. But for now I'm sticking with Baby Oleo. Not as cute and clever as Frostina I suppose. But there you have it.
I feel bad because I really love this space. It was my lifeline in the early days of grief and became a huge support during my pregnancy with Frostina. It's weird how something that was so important to me has become something that I have cast aside. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I don't seem to need it as much.
But I still want it, so I'm going to try harder.
I'm going to begin with a confession. I feel awful that I haven't given this new baby a blog name. Frostina had her name before conception and this poor little one is still nameless. They do say that your second (living) baby doesn't get as much attention as your first (living) baby. I wonder if this is the beginning of that? Who knew that second (living) baby syndrome could start so early???
Naming Frostina was easy. She was my frozen embryo who we called Frosty until we figured out she was a girl. That's when we started calling her Frostina. This baby was from a fresh cycle and somehow "Freshie" doesn't have the same ring as "Frosty." I'd love to come up with something clever but alas, my clever gene seems to be in remission at the moment.
So I'm going to use the name we have been using at home, "Baby-Oleo." Why Baby-Oleo you ask? Well you see, when Frostina gets really excited about something we are going to give her (mostly food) she says ole-ole-oh a bunch of times. It's really cute and we like to copy her.
So when we found out I was pregnant I joked by saying "ole-ole-oh." Then I figured out that oleo rhymes with embryo (well sort of). So we started calling him/her Embry-oleo. That got shortened to oleo at some point and at the moment we're mostly using the name "Baby-Oleo."
I suppose that if Baby Oleo ends up being a girl that we will have to find a girly modification. But for now I'm sticking with Baby Oleo. Not as cute and clever as Frostina I suppose. But there you have it.
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Wait And Worry
I finally heard back from my doctor's office and my ultrasound has been moved to next week. On the one hand this is good news because The Hubby really wants to be there, and I don't really want to go by myself. On the other hand this isn't good news because it means I have to wait another week to find out if everything is OK with our little baby-to-be.
As I mentioned before, I'm not as terrified this time around as I was when I was pregnant with Frostina. But once a BLM (that's Baby Loss Mom for those of you who are new to this blog) always a BLM. I think I could be pregnant 10 more times and still never feel completely safe and at ease. This delay is causing me to worry just a bit more.
I know logically that it doesn't matter if my scan is tomorrow or next week. I know that the date of scan won't influence if things are fine (or not fine) with baby-to-be. If things are going to go wrong, they will. My history tells me that they can go wrong when you least expect it. Things can go wrong even when you're not worried. So the worrying and wanting a scan every week won't change anything. And yet as I type this I am worried.
So for now I will wait and worry. Sigh.
As I mentioned before, I'm not as terrified this time around as I was when I was pregnant with Frostina. But once a BLM (that's Baby Loss Mom for those of you who are new to this blog) always a BLM. I think I could be pregnant 10 more times and still never feel completely safe and at ease. This delay is causing me to worry just a bit more.
I know logically that it doesn't matter if my scan is tomorrow or next week. I know that the date of scan won't influence if things are fine (or not fine) with baby-to-be. If things are going to go wrong, they will. My history tells me that they can go wrong when you least expect it. Things can go wrong even when you're not worried. So the worrying and wanting a scan every week won't change anything. And yet as I type this I am worried.
So for now I will wait and worry. Sigh.
Friday, 3 January 2014
Feeling Rough
I am officially 11 weeks pregnant today. I apologise for the lack of posts but I have been feeling ROUGH. The nausea and extreme exhaustion seem to be worse this time around. Either that or I have just forgotten how horrible the first trimester can be. I suspect it may be a bit of both. I think Mother Nature makes you forget about some of this stuff so you will have more kids.
I'm off all my medications now.
Up until last week I was still doing estrogen injections every third day and progesterone suppositories (yuck) twice a day. I am so glad to not have to inject myself with needles or stuff something up my butt everyday. If you haven't been through this you probably can't relate, but if you have then you know what a huge milestone this is.
It's so much harder to manage early pregnancy when you have a toddler to chase around. Frostina has no empathy for poor Mommy. I actually feel pretty bad for her. The poor kid has been trapped inside with me for way too long.
There was a stretch where we didn't leave the house for almost a week. The poor kid kept bringing me my shoes and her shoes (a sign that she wanted to go out). When that didn't work she started bringing me her coat and my coat... that she somehow managed to wrangle off the coat rack.
So luckily on babysitter day (my one day a week where I have childcare) we had good weather and she could go out. I've never seen her so happy to put her shoes on and leave Mommy in the dust. No separation anxiety, no clinging to my leg. It was "See you later Mommy,,,, I'm going out!"
Next week we have our next scan. I'm still negotiating the dates because of course The Hubby is going to be out of town on the day I originally scheduled. The office has been mostly closed over the holidays so I haven't been able to confirm the date change yet. Here in the UK pretty much everything shuts down from December 24th until January 4th or 5th which is sooooo frustrating.
I'm impatient. I just want to take another peek to make sure everything is OK with this little one. I probably won't get a call from the doctor until Monday which sucks.
Please let everything be ok.
I'm off all my medications now.
Hooray!
Up until last week I was still doing estrogen injections every third day and progesterone suppositories (yuck) twice a day. I am so glad to not have to inject myself with needles or stuff something up my butt everyday. If you haven't been through this you probably can't relate, but if you have then you know what a huge milestone this is.
It's so much harder to manage early pregnancy when you have a toddler to chase around. Frostina has no empathy for poor Mommy. I actually feel pretty bad for her. The poor kid has been trapped inside with me for way too long.
There was a stretch where we didn't leave the house for almost a week. The poor kid kept bringing me my shoes and her shoes (a sign that she wanted to go out). When that didn't work she started bringing me her coat and my coat... that she somehow managed to wrangle off the coat rack.
So luckily on babysitter day (my one day a week where I have childcare) we had good weather and she could go out. I've never seen her so happy to put her shoes on and leave Mommy in the dust. No separation anxiety, no clinging to my leg. It was "See you later Mommy,,,, I'm going out!"
Next week we have our next scan. I'm still negotiating the dates because of course The Hubby is going to be out of town on the day I originally scheduled. The office has been mostly closed over the holidays so I haven't been able to confirm the date change yet. Here in the UK pretty much everything shuts down from December 24th until January 4th or 5th which is sooooo frustrating.
I'm impatient. I just want to take another peek to make sure everything is OK with this little one. I probably won't get a call from the doctor until Monday which sucks.
Please let everything be ok.
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
One Perfect Heartbeat
What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.
One perfect heartbeat.
That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.
What an amazing feeling.
So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.
I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.
Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.
So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!
I hope and pray.
One perfect heartbeat.
That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.
What an amazing feeling.
So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.
I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.
Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.
So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!
I hope and pray.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
The Heart Says Yes, The Head Procrastinates
We finally came to the decision to try for another baby. It's not an easy decision by any means. It took lots of soul searching and listening to my heart, which finally said yes.
So that's it, right? Well maybe not. You see, I'm mostly a logic driven person so listening to my heart is not something that comes easy. Once I was done listening to my heart, my head had to kick back in to work out all the details. After all, we can't just go off birth control and see what happens.
*Insert me laughing hysterically. "Come off birth control? I haven't been on birth control in 10 years. If I was going to accidentally get knocked up it surely would have happened by now!"
No, this trying again will involve doctors and egg donors and flying halfway across the world for treatment. This trying again will be expensive and stressful. This trying again will be a concerted effort on my part. So that's where my head has to step in.
And my head still has fears.
Shortly after making the decision I sent an email to our US based clinic to get the ball rolling. I asked if our donor was still available and also about pricing changes. The reply came quickly. No our donor is not available anymore (so sad about this) and no the prices have not changed much. I just need to give them the go ahead and they will set the process in motion.
So did I reply immediately to get things started? Of course I didn't. Instead I found a million and one reasons not to reply to the email. First I told myself that we should have all the money in place first. Then I told myself that I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow turned into tomorrow and so on. Until over a month had passed.
The Hubby asked me last night when I was going to send a reply to the clinic. I told him I would, and I finally did. Today I sent an email with a few follow up questions and told them we're ready to start the process. I'm not sure what my head was thinking, but it's time it stopped procrastinating and got a move on. After all, we all know that any IVF cycle, especially one using an egg donor, takes forever to get rolling.
And I'm certainly not getting any younger.
So that's it, right? Well maybe not. You see, I'm mostly a logic driven person so listening to my heart is not something that comes easy. Once I was done listening to my heart, my head had to kick back in to work out all the details. After all, we can't just go off birth control and see what happens.
*Insert me laughing hysterically. "Come off birth control? I haven't been on birth control in 10 years. If I was going to accidentally get knocked up it surely would have happened by now!"
No, this trying again will involve doctors and egg donors and flying halfway across the world for treatment. This trying again will be expensive and stressful. This trying again will be a concerted effort on my part. So that's where my head has to step in.
And my head still has fears.
Shortly after making the decision I sent an email to our US based clinic to get the ball rolling. I asked if our donor was still available and also about pricing changes. The reply came quickly. No our donor is not available anymore (so sad about this) and no the prices have not changed much. I just need to give them the go ahead and they will set the process in motion.
So did I reply immediately to get things started? Of course I didn't. Instead I found a million and one reasons not to reply to the email. First I told myself that we should have all the money in place first. Then I told myself that I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow turned into tomorrow and so on. Until over a month had passed.
The Hubby asked me last night when I was going to send a reply to the clinic. I told him I would, and I finally did. Today I sent an email with a few follow up questions and told them we're ready to start the process. I'm not sure what my head was thinking, but it's time it stopped procrastinating and got a move on. After all, we all know that any IVF cycle, especially one using an egg donor, takes forever to get rolling.
And I'm certainly not getting any younger.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
So,,, Are You Going To Try For Another One?
To try for another baby, that is the question.
It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.
It's the question I don't know how to answer.
Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.
If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.
But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.
Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.
I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.
I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.
And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.
But to do it again? I don't know.
After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.
For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.
Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?
I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.
If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.
So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.
The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.
These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.
Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.
It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.
It's the question I don't know how to answer.
Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.
If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.
But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.
Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.
I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.
I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.
And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.
But to do it again? I don't know.
After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.
For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.
Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?
I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.
If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.
So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.
The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.
These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.
Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
It Could Have Happened Again
As I was writing about my struggles with anxiety and moodiness since Frostina was born I mentioned something in passing that I realized I haven't shared here on the blog. I don't know why I haven't talked about this before. It's actually a huge revelation and something that will affect any future pregnancies I may have. I'm going to blame baby brain and sleep deprivation because it's the only thing I can think of as to why this wasn't something I shared right away.
After Frostina was born, my doctor made the statement, "Well it's a good thing she was born today." When I asked why he explained that based on the very low fluid levels and the fact that my placenta looked quite degraded, it looked to him like the same thing that happened during my first pregnancy with my son had happened again. He also said that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice so it's a good thing we had planned for a C-section.
As you can imagine, this news came as quite a shock to me. Keeping in mind that I was laying in the recovery room with my much wanted rainbow baby in my arms when I received this news, I didn't ask too many questions. This bombshell of information was a bit lost in my new baby euphoria mixed with what I'm assuming was some pretty good pain meds. So I did little but acknowledge the information and then go back to staring at the beautiful baby girl who was laying on my chest.
When my doctor came to see me the next day I had many more questions. We talked in length about it then and also at my 6 week follow up appointment. Basically it turns out that the "infection or virus of unknown origin" that the pathologist thought was the cause of my immune system attacking the placenta was in fact not a virus or infection at all.
It was my own immune system rejecting the pregnancy like a person might reject an organ that is donated.
For whatever reason, the pregnancy triggered an autoimmune response that resulted in my son's tragic death. Apparently this kind of reaction is the strongest the first time you are pregnant and he suspects that the trouble started around 31 weeks or so (based on his review of my scans). Each subsequent pregnancy will still trigger a reaction, but each time it will be less aggressive and happen later.
With Frostina all was looking completely normal at my 36 week scan. We had already planned the C-section for 37 weeks which was on a Friday. I went in on the Wednesday before (1 week after a perfectly normal scan) for some last minute checks and to sign all the consent forms. At that appointment we did a mini-scan with his small laptop and I remember him mentioning that fluid levels were a bit low but not to worry because we were already scheduled for delivery in 2 days. So I didnt' worry.
Well as it turns out, the fluid levels were even lower by Friday. This is why my doctor said that it's a good thing she was born when she was. As it turns out, she didn't grow at all that last week. She was born at 5 pounds and 6 ounces which is smaller than he was expecting. But at 37 weeks she was full term and as we all know, things turned out fine. But it's so scary to think that if I didn't have such a good doctor and receive such vigilant care, things may have turned out much differently.
If I'd had a doctor who wasn't willing to scan me as often. If I'd had a doctor who didn't agree to schedule a C-section at 37 weeks exactly. If I'd had a doctor who wanted me to go full term, or try for a VBAC, or wasn't as educated in high risk pregnancies..... I shudder to think about that.
It could have happened again,,,,,,,
I'm so grateful that it didn't. I am truly grateful for the amazing medical care I received this pregnancy. And I'd also like to think that our angel in heaven did his bit to make sure his little sister was born safe and sound.
After Frostina was born, my doctor made the statement, "Well it's a good thing she was born today." When I asked why he explained that based on the very low fluid levels and the fact that my placenta looked quite degraded, it looked to him like the same thing that happened during my first pregnancy with my son had happened again. He also said that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice so it's a good thing we had planned for a C-section.
As you can imagine, this news came as quite a shock to me. Keeping in mind that I was laying in the recovery room with my much wanted rainbow baby in my arms when I received this news, I didn't ask too many questions. This bombshell of information was a bit lost in my new baby euphoria mixed with what I'm assuming was some pretty good pain meds. So I did little but acknowledge the information and then go back to staring at the beautiful baby girl who was laying on my chest.
When my doctor came to see me the next day I had many more questions. We talked in length about it then and also at my 6 week follow up appointment. Basically it turns out that the "infection or virus of unknown origin" that the pathologist thought was the cause of my immune system attacking the placenta was in fact not a virus or infection at all.
It was my own immune system rejecting the pregnancy like a person might reject an organ that is donated.
For whatever reason, the pregnancy triggered an autoimmune response that resulted in my son's tragic death. Apparently this kind of reaction is the strongest the first time you are pregnant and he suspects that the trouble started around 31 weeks or so (based on his review of my scans). Each subsequent pregnancy will still trigger a reaction, but each time it will be less aggressive and happen later.
With Frostina all was looking completely normal at my 36 week scan. We had already planned the C-section for 37 weeks which was on a Friday. I went in on the Wednesday before (1 week after a perfectly normal scan) for some last minute checks and to sign all the consent forms. At that appointment we did a mini-scan with his small laptop and I remember him mentioning that fluid levels were a bit low but not to worry because we were already scheduled for delivery in 2 days. So I didnt' worry.
Well as it turns out, the fluid levels were even lower by Friday. This is why my doctor said that it's a good thing she was born when she was. As it turns out, she didn't grow at all that last week. She was born at 5 pounds and 6 ounces which is smaller than he was expecting. But at 37 weeks she was full term and as we all know, things turned out fine. But it's so scary to think that if I didn't have such a good doctor and receive such vigilant care, things may have turned out much differently.
If I'd had a doctor who wasn't willing to scan me as often. If I'd had a doctor who didn't agree to schedule a C-section at 37 weeks exactly. If I'd had a doctor who wanted me to go full term, or try for a VBAC, or wasn't as educated in high risk pregnancies..... I shudder to think about that.
It could have happened again,,,,,,,
I'm so grateful that it didn't. I am truly grateful for the amazing medical care I received this pregnancy. And I'd also like to think that our angel in heaven did his bit to make sure his little sister was born safe and sound.
Sunday, 12 August 2012
The Reality Of This Baby
As I've written about in my previous posts, I've really been all over the place emotionally since Frostina was born. At first I thought it was just normal baby blues and it would pass. Then as time went by and my feelings of overwhelming anxiety continued, I realized that maybe this wasn't something I could take care of on my own.
My first attempt to reach out didn't achieve the results I had hoped. I asked my OB (consultant) who told me that this was completely normal for someone in my situation with my history. I knew this didn't seem right so I didn't stop there. I reached out and was connected with a lovely therapist who not only has an office near me, but is willing to make house visits. Considering that Frostina is only 2 months old, a counsellor who is willing to come to me is amazingly convenient.
I had my first session with her this week and got a lot out of it. It was really nice to have someone to talk to about the jumbled up mess that is going on in my head right now. I realized that I really need to be in therapy right now. We had grief counselling after our son died and I found it amazingly helpful. We had a session with a therapist as part of our egg donation program. But since then we haven't had any kind of therapy.
In hindsight I'm not sure this was the greatest idea. We endured our entire pregnancy after a loss with no professional help. The time when you would think we would need the most support, we decided to go it on our own. I did consider it a few times, but just never got around to setting anything up. So all those fears and anxieties just built up inside me.
The result? A new Mommy who really needs therapy.
I've only had one session so far but here's what I know. I don't have post natal depression, but I do have lots of anxiety left over from my traumatic past that I need to work through. The birth of Frostina has brought back so many feelings surrounding the birth of my son. The comparisons between the pregnancies, the comparisons of the births, and the glaringly different outcomes.
Even though I have grieved my son, those feelings are still there, and having Frostina here with me just highlights how much I missed out on with him. The sleepless nights are real now, not imaginary. She has become the center of our household in a tangible way, while he was always only the center of our thoughts and dreams. He was and always will be the fantasy of a baby, his life unfulfilled, while she is the reality of a baby.
The reality of a baby. A baby who cries, and has colic, and cries some more. A baby who doesn't adapt to my idea of a schedule and won't go to sleep on demand. The reality of a baby after 2 years of dreaming about my fantasy of a baby. A fantasy baby who probably would have been very much like his sister if he had lived.
I have learned that I need to set aside my fantasies and deal with the reality of this baby. I have to allow myself to enjoy her and live in the moment. To stop trying to control everything and keep on top of all things. To not be so hard on myself. To relax more and to stress a bit less. Because she is her own little person who will exert her own will. Who will eat and sleep on her own schedule, and that's OK.
So that's what we're going to be working on in our sessions. The reality of this baby. This baby who is alive and here with us. The reality of this baby and everything that goes along with it. The fun parts and the challenging parts. The reality of this baby who we have wanted more than anything, who we love more than anything, and who has brought an amazing amount of joy and happiness to our family.
My first attempt to reach out didn't achieve the results I had hoped. I asked my OB (consultant) who told me that this was completely normal for someone in my situation with my history. I knew this didn't seem right so I didn't stop there. I reached out and was connected with a lovely therapist who not only has an office near me, but is willing to make house visits. Considering that Frostina is only 2 months old, a counsellor who is willing to come to me is amazingly convenient.
I had my first session with her this week and got a lot out of it. It was really nice to have someone to talk to about the jumbled up mess that is going on in my head right now. I realized that I really need to be in therapy right now. We had grief counselling after our son died and I found it amazingly helpful. We had a session with a therapist as part of our egg donation program. But since then we haven't had any kind of therapy.
In hindsight I'm not sure this was the greatest idea. We endured our entire pregnancy after a loss with no professional help. The time when you would think we would need the most support, we decided to go it on our own. I did consider it a few times, but just never got around to setting anything up. So all those fears and anxieties just built up inside me.
The result? A new Mommy who really needs therapy.
I've only had one session so far but here's what I know. I don't have post natal depression, but I do have lots of anxiety left over from my traumatic past that I need to work through. The birth of Frostina has brought back so many feelings surrounding the birth of my son. The comparisons between the pregnancies, the comparisons of the births, and the glaringly different outcomes.
Even though I have grieved my son, those feelings are still there, and having Frostina here with me just highlights how much I missed out on with him. The sleepless nights are real now, not imaginary. She has become the center of our household in a tangible way, while he was always only the center of our thoughts and dreams. He was and always will be the fantasy of a baby, his life unfulfilled, while she is the reality of a baby.
The reality of a baby. A baby who cries, and has colic, and cries some more. A baby who doesn't adapt to my idea of a schedule and won't go to sleep on demand. The reality of a baby after 2 years of dreaming about my fantasy of a baby. A fantasy baby who probably would have been very much like his sister if he had lived.
I have learned that I need to set aside my fantasies and deal with the reality of this baby. I have to allow myself to enjoy her and live in the moment. To stop trying to control everything and keep on top of all things. To not be so hard on myself. To relax more and to stress a bit less. Because she is her own little person who will exert her own will. Who will eat and sleep on her own schedule, and that's OK.
So that's what we're going to be working on in our sessions. The reality of this baby. This baby who is alive and here with us. The reality of this baby and everything that goes along with it. The fun parts and the challenging parts. The reality of this baby who we have wanted more than anything, who we love more than anything, and who has brought an amazing amount of joy and happiness to our family.
Monday, 6 August 2012
Someone With "My History"
I'm still waiting for answers as to what's going on with my moodiness. I did ask my doctor at my 6 week check up but he was very dismissive. He told me that if I was clinically depressed then I'd be frozen and wouldn't be able to even hold or feed my baby. He said that the mood swings I'm experiencing are completely normal for someone with "my history."
My History: Years of infertility... Finally getting pregnant... A full term stillbirth... Another pregnancy filled with fear and anxiety... The birth of my rainbow baby.
Apparently someone with my history should expect to feel like an emotional wreck? I'm not so sure all of this is normal. My doctor is an amazing doctor and I truly believe that without his vigilance and expertise this pregnancy would likely have ended like my first one. **I have good reason to think this. Have I written about that yet??? I don't think I have but I will soon.
Anyway, while his expertise in all things high risk pregnancy and placentas is amazing, I don't think that emotional issues are his strong suit. So I have a call into a therapist who specializes in pregnancy related issues. I am hoping that a sit down with her will help give me the answers I need.
Maybe the way I'm feeling is totally normal for someone with my history? Maybe it's not? Maybe I just need someone to talk to about it, especially as the two year anniversary of my son's birth creeps up on me?
I'm just wanting some answers so I can figure the best way to snap out of this. Because I really want to be able to enjoy Frostina and be the Mother she deserves without all the self doubt and anxiety.
My History: Years of infertility... Finally getting pregnant... A full term stillbirth... Another pregnancy filled with fear and anxiety... The birth of my rainbow baby.
Apparently someone with my history should expect to feel like an emotional wreck? I'm not so sure all of this is normal. My doctor is an amazing doctor and I truly believe that without his vigilance and expertise this pregnancy would likely have ended like my first one. **I have good reason to think this. Have I written about that yet??? I don't think I have but I will soon.
Anyway, while his expertise in all things high risk pregnancy and placentas is amazing, I don't think that emotional issues are his strong suit. So I have a call into a therapist who specializes in pregnancy related issues. I am hoping that a sit down with her will help give me the answers I need.
Maybe the way I'm feeling is totally normal for someone with my history? Maybe it's not? Maybe I just need someone to talk to about it, especially as the two year anniversary of my son's birth creeps up on me?
I'm just wanting some answers so I can figure the best way to snap out of this. Because I really want to be able to enjoy Frostina and be the Mother she deserves without all the self doubt and anxiety.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Just Bin It
Having lived in England for 6 and a half years I've picked up some of the lingo. One of the terms I love is to bin it which means to throw something away. I'm not sure why I like this one so much, but I do.
Back in January I was cleaning out my fridge and came across a bottle or Lupron left over from our IVF cycles. I wrote about how I was unable to throw it away "just in case" something went wrong and I needed to use it again. I was so worried that things wouldn't go to plan and I would be back at step one again.
Today I was doing a bit of fridge cleanup again. Side note... this makes my life sound soooo exciting doesn't it?? I found the bottle hiding in the same spot. I suddenly remembered exactly how I felt back in January.
Back in January when I was filled with so much fear. Filled with so much worry. Filled with so many what ifs. I was worried that by throwing away the bottle I was somehow testing fate. That getting rid of it would seem smug and way too confident. So I kept the bottle, even though my logical mind knew that simply keeping or not keeping medicine in your fridge has no influence on the outcome of a pregnancy.
But today is different. Today I am holding my precious rainbow baby in my arms. Today I know the outcome, and I have no need to hold onto fertility medications in my fridge. Especially since the bottle expired in April.
So what did I do??
I tossed it into the bin, and I smiled while I was doing it.
Back in January I was cleaning out my fridge and came across a bottle or Lupron left over from our IVF cycles. I wrote about how I was unable to throw it away "just in case" something went wrong and I needed to use it again. I was so worried that things wouldn't go to plan and I would be back at step one again.
Back in January when I was filled with so much fear. Filled with so much worry. Filled with so many what ifs. I was worried that by throwing away the bottle I was somehow testing fate. That getting rid of it would seem smug and way too confident. So I kept the bottle, even though my logical mind knew that simply keeping or not keeping medicine in your fridge has no influence on the outcome of a pregnancy.
But today is different. Today I am holding my precious rainbow baby in my arms. Today I know the outcome, and I have no need to hold onto fertility medications in my fridge. Especially since the bottle expired in April.
So what did I do??
I tossed it into the bin, and I smiled while I was doing it.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
It is me...........the Hubby
My wife has asked me many times over the last year+ if I wanted to "guest post". I always said NO, this was her space. I still believe it is, and I am pretty sure this will be my one and only post. After this I will go back to being a fan........
June 8th, 2012 was the happiest day of my life. At 8:49am when I heard that wonderful sound.....the sound of my baby girl........our Frostina crying as she entered this world. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT! In a instant, overwhelming joy..and yes RELIEF swept through my body. SHE MADE IT!
In order to get to this moment, I want to express my thoughts about 3 "people".
The 1st is someone I will never know. There are many people like her...........women who for some reason have chosen to give a gift. A gift that can never be repaid. Why these women choose to do this, what inspires them, what motivates them, I will never understand. But for the lady who donated her eggs....so that my wife and I could be parents........to make Frostina a possibility....THANK YOU. I hope somehow you "know"......I am forever GRATEFUL!
The 2nd "person" I want to recognise is......YOU. Yes you. the loyal followers to my wife's blog. When she started this, it was her way to go somewhere private, to write what she was feeling........no one to judge her. No family, no friends....and yes at first no hubby. Just her "place".
What this blog has turned into, truly amazes me. The community of support. Women with similar stories and loss and struggle. Whether you know it or not, you have been something for her no one else could be. But without you, I'm not sure if she could have made this journey. You have motivated, inspired and supported my wife so wonderfully from her 1st blog about losing our son, through some funny moments ( top 10 infertility list) to the joy of Frostina's arrival. THANK YOU!
The 3rd..of course is my wife. I know you say you do not feel like it at times. But you are truly the strongest person I know. If not for your strength, determination and most of all your LOVE...........Frostina would not be here today. I could write a book on everything you have put yourself through.........all the doctors appointments, all the flights, all the shots, all the medications.
NO ONE deserves to be called MOMMY more than you. The joy and smile on your face holding our daughter...........is so special......is truly beautiful.
We will never forgot our son...........he lives in our hearts everyday. I know he would be such a great big brother to Frostina...........
I Love you with all my heart...........
Frostina's Daddy
June 8th, 2012 was the happiest day of my life. At 8:49am when I heard that wonderful sound.....the sound of my baby girl........our Frostina crying as she entered this world. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT! In a instant, overwhelming joy..and yes RELIEF swept through my body. SHE MADE IT!
In order to get to this moment, I want to express my thoughts about 3 "people".
The 1st is someone I will never know. There are many people like her...........women who for some reason have chosen to give a gift. A gift that can never be repaid. Why these women choose to do this, what inspires them, what motivates them, I will never understand. But for the lady who donated her eggs....so that my wife and I could be parents........to make Frostina a possibility....THANK YOU. I hope somehow you "know"......I am forever GRATEFUL!
The 2nd "person" I want to recognise is......YOU. Yes you. the loyal followers to my wife's blog. When she started this, it was her way to go somewhere private, to write what she was feeling........no one to judge her. No family, no friends....and yes at first no hubby. Just her "place".
What this blog has turned into, truly amazes me. The community of support. Women with similar stories and loss and struggle. Whether you know it or not, you have been something for her no one else could be. But without you, I'm not sure if she could have made this journey. You have motivated, inspired and supported my wife so wonderfully from her 1st blog about losing our son, through some funny moments ( top 10 infertility list) to the joy of Frostina's arrival. THANK YOU!
The 3rd..of course is my wife. I know you say you do not feel like it at times. But you are truly the strongest person I know. If not for your strength, determination and most of all your LOVE...........Frostina would not be here today. I could write a book on everything you have put yourself through.........all the doctors appointments, all the flights, all the shots, all the medications.
NO ONE deserves to be called MOMMY more than you. The joy and smile on your face holding our daughter...........is so special......is truly beautiful.
We will never forgot our son...........he lives in our hearts everyday. I know he would be such a great big brother to Frostina...........
I Love you with all my heart...........
Frostina's Daddy
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Frostina's Homecoming
Wow what a week! It still seems surreal. I have an actual living baby in my home. She cries, and poops, and keeps me awake at night. She's very good at that bit by the way. It's wonderful and overwhelming at the same time.
My Mother is over from the US to help out, without her I'm not sure what we would do. She did not subscribe to my "don't buy anything until the baby is born" philosophy. As a result, I was greeted home with a sea of pink. There were tons of cute clothes and a quilt she made herself.
I was overwhelmed with emotion when I entered the house. When I left for the hospital there was barely any sign that a baby was on it's way. When I returned with Frostina in my arms, my house was overflowing with baby gear. So I responded the way any new Mom would, with floods of tears. Overwhelmed by my hormones and feeling of relief for Frostina's safe arrival I surrendered to them and let the tears flow freely.
As I sat on my couch crying I had a flashback to August 2010. I had sat on that very same couch back then crying a million tears. Mourning my loss with empty arms and a broken heart. From the outside it looked the same, but it couldn't be more different. This time I was crying tears of joy. My heart and my house was full. Filled of love and joy, but more importantly filled with a living baby and lots of baby stuff.
My Mother is over from the US to help out, without her I'm not sure what we would do. She did not subscribe to my "don't buy anything until the baby is born" philosophy. As a result, I was greeted home with a sea of pink. There were tons of cute clothes and a quilt she made herself.
I was overwhelmed with emotion when I entered the house. When I left for the hospital there was barely any sign that a baby was on it's way. When I returned with Frostina in my arms, my house was overflowing with baby gear. So I responded the way any new Mom would, with floods of tears. Overwhelmed by my hormones and feeling of relief for Frostina's safe arrival I surrendered to them and let the tears flow freely.
As I sat on my couch crying I had a flashback to August 2010. I had sat on that very same couch back then crying a million tears. Mourning my loss with empty arms and a broken heart. From the outside it looked the same, but it couldn't be more different. This time I was crying tears of joy. My heart and my house was full. Filled of love and joy, but more importantly filled with a living baby and lots of baby stuff.
 |
| Frostina sleeping in her new bed in her new home. |
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Countdown To Baby... 2 Days
I am starting to believe.
We met with my consultant (doctor) today for our final appointment. We got to see Frostina on his tiny little machine and she's still doing great. Head down finally after spending most of this pregnancy transverse. Not that it matters since I'm having a C-section, but the consultant said her position will make it easier to get to her which is good. In addition we got to hear her heartbeat which is always music to my ears.
We went over the procedure and schedule for Friday. We have to be at the hospital pretty early in the morning but that's just as well because I'm sure we won't get much sleep on Thursday night. I asked all my questions and signed the necessary consent forms.
And that's it. We're done. The only thing left to do is get through the next 2 days and then deliver this baby!
Yikes!
We met with my consultant (doctor) today for our final appointment. We got to see Frostina on his tiny little machine and she's still doing great. Head down finally after spending most of this pregnancy transverse. Not that it matters since I'm having a C-section, but the consultant said her position will make it easier to get to her which is good. In addition we got to hear her heartbeat which is always music to my ears.
We went over the procedure and schedule for Friday. We have to be at the hospital pretty early in the morning but that's just as well because I'm sure we won't get much sleep on Thursday night. I asked all my questions and signed the necessary consent forms.
And that's it. We're done. The only thing left to do is get through the next 2 days and then deliver this baby!
Yikes!
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