I'm still waiting for answers as to what's going on with my moodiness. I did ask my doctor at my 6 week check up but he was very dismissive. He told me that if I was clinically depressed then I'd be frozen and wouldn't be able to even hold or feed my baby. He said that the mood swings I'm experiencing are completely normal for someone with "my history."
My History: Years of infertility... Finally getting pregnant... A full term stillbirth... Another pregnancy filled with fear and anxiety... The birth of my rainbow baby.
Apparently someone with my history should expect to feel like an emotional wreck? I'm not so sure all of this is normal. My doctor is an amazing doctor and I truly believe that without his vigilance and expertise this pregnancy would likely have ended like my first one. **I have good reason to think this. Have I written about that yet??? I don't think I have but I will soon.
Anyway, while his expertise in all things high risk pregnancy and placentas is amazing, I don't think that emotional issues are his strong suit. So I have a call into a therapist who specializes in pregnancy related issues. I am hoping that a sit down with her will help give me the answers I need.
Maybe the way I'm feeling is totally normal for someone with my history? Maybe it's not? Maybe I just need someone to talk to about it, especially as the two year anniversary of my son's birth creeps up on me?
I'm just wanting some answers so I can figure the best way to snap out of this. Because I really want to be able to enjoy Frostina and be the Mother she deserves without all the self doubt and anxiety.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I've been following your story for the last couple of months, but don't think that I have commented yet. As the daughter of a therapist, and a fellow loss survivor, I strongly encourage and support you to speak with a therapist. I'm sorry that your doctor was dismissive--but I am very proud of you for a) recognizing that you need more and b) taking the initiative to get help. Just because we can finally hold our babies in our arms doesn't mean that our hearts don't still ache for what we lost. And just because we survived, doesn't mean that parenthood is going to be a walk in the park. So by all means, talk to someone. I think of therapists as "professional listeners who know all the right questions to ask". You're also role modeling what it means to be in touch with your feelings for Frostina--which is so important for her development as well. I pray you find someone who can help! Take care!
ReplyDeleteI hope in talking to a therapist you will get the answers. I don't think you're manic, my friend was manic and like you doctor said she was frozen. She couldn't even get out of bed in the morning she had to be fed, and bathed. She suffers from severe manic depression. With that said it doesn't mean there isn't something going on with you, it doesn't mean you aren't sad or depressed. There are varying degrees of everything. I think talking to a therapist could open up possibilities and answers and most of all be helpful.
ReplyDeleteI have been veeeeery anxious, etc and still am, but I have noticed it starting to subside a bit as we approach 3 1/2 months. Part of that is prob due to getting more sleep. However, the depressed feeling only lasted a few weeks for me, and as soon as I stopped breast feeding/pumping, it was gone (simply bc that was what was stressing me out the MOST). So if you ate truly feeling depressed and not just emotional, I would continue seeking help until u find someone who can help. Sending love!!
ReplyDeletePerhaps your feelings are "normal" in the sense that they are typical and not unexpected. . . . but I don't think that that means you have to accept feeling depressed and anxious as a matter of course. So kudos to you for reaching out to a therapist with expertise in this area. I hope she is able to help you sort things out.
ReplyDeleteI think all of my emotions are normal too, given my history. But I still see a therapist. Your mood swings are probably normal and it's still okay to work on helping you feel better and more even. Good job advocating for yourself!
ReplyDeleteI am with Mama Bear, great job advocating for yourself! I don't know what is normal or if that is even possible after loss such as ours...what I do know is if you do not feel "right" you keep advocating until you get the answers you need. This is about you, your hubby and your beautiful baby girl, do whatever it takes.
ReplyDeleteWhether or not it's normal, or to be expected to feel this way with your history, you still deserve a quality life. Good for you for being your own advocate! I think the therapist is absolutely the way to go.
ReplyDeleteThe post about your thoughts on how the doctor help save this pregnancy sounds very interesting.
If you feel that you are not your "normal" self - then you are NOT! You have started in the right direction by self advocating. Therapy can help. So can a tiny dose of anti-depressant. How you go with this is up to you but you are in no way alone with these feelings! Many of us have experienced them too. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteDoctors are not the brightest when it comes to emotions, are they? I am so angry he was dismissive with you and didn't validate what you are going through. I'm glad you are taking action and have a therapist in mind and I hope you can find a happy way forward.
ReplyDeleteHang in there mama. I hope that someone who specializes in "your circumstances" will help you regain some "normalcy". (Hard to say things like normal for people like us who have suffered anything but NORMAL. But my hope is that you regain your happiness and excitement for Frostina and what not. I find that I must see several different types of "specialists" to support me. lol Hugs-
ReplyDeleteFelicia
I have a history of depression and anxiety, even before Caroline's stillbirth. So, during my pregnancy with Addalee, I was a nutjob. And I think that she would have ended up just like her sister if I hadn't had a very good doctor, so I think I can understand where you're coming from there too (I have reasons too, cord issues, growth problems, scary stuff, etc). After Addalee was born, it was a roller coaster. I was happy then sad, then miserably sad, and so on. I think that seeing a therapist is a great idea for you. You are always your best advocate, and while you've asked your OB, you're right, it might not be his strong suit to deal with emotions and depression.
ReplyDeletePerhaps depression is normal for someone with your history, but I don't think it's normal to have to feel bad most of the time. In my experience, depression didn't make it so that I couldn't hold or feed my child, but it was still very real.
Good luck, mama!
Your OB did good at HIS job. Not good at therapists. BUT WOW are you doing GREAT at your job which is finding help when you need it for what you need. Yes, you have been through gigantic emotional turmoil, and yes, getting to peacefulness inside yourself is not easy just cause you now have the prize. Help for you now and acknowledgement of the whole process is key for raising your daughter to be all she can be. Your are doing wonderfully well in very hard place.
ReplyDeleteWhat your doctor probably means is that there's a strong and known relationship between anxiety and depression. You've just dealt with a bucket load of worry so it's likely you'll be depressed. It could be post traumatic stress disorder you are suffering with and not classic depression. Either can be serious and you should push to be assessed so you can be treated either medically or therapeutically x
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