Monday, 20 July 2015

#Microblog Monday- Can I Ride My Bike To Heaven?

Me to Frostina this morning- "It's almost your brother's birthday."

Frostina to me- "Are we going to get him a birthday cake?"

Me- "No, your brother lives in heaven so we are going to get him a balloon that we will let fly up in the sky so he can get it."

Frostina- "Heaven is very far away, I can ride my bike there so I can go see him."

Me (hiding my tears)- "No honey, you can't get to heaven on your bike, it's too far away."

Frostina- "Oh, then we will drive there in your car, OK?"

You gotta love the logic of a 3 year old.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could ride our bikes to heaven to see the ones we have lost?

Monday, 22 June 2015

After All This Time- #MicroblogMondays

After all this time.

It's been almost 5 years since we lost him.

After all this time, I still can't become friends with someone who has a child who is the same age as he should be.

It seems silly perhaps, and it certainly makes it difficult to make new friends in a new town.

After all this time, I still can't do it.

I'm sure you are a lovely person, but you have a child who will turn 5 this summer so we can't be friends.

After all this time you would think I could look past it, but I can't.

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Timehop Is An Asshole

Have you even seen those Timehop posts on you friend's Facebook pages? You know the ones that show cute photos from the same time last year, or the year before that? Well I did and was super excited to download the app. Basically every day you get a rundown of your posts from social media from previous years.

I have been using it and finding it very entertaining. Photos from two years ago with Frostina in an outfit that Olea is now wearing. Posting cute comparison photos of them learning to eat finger food. Catching glimpses of my life pre-children.

It was all going so well  until yesterday.

Five years ago yesterday is when I announced my pregnancy with my son on Facebook. Yesterday when I opened up the app, I saw that announcement in all it's glory. I was so happy then and the post was all gushy and sentimental. I had no idea what was to come.

Seeing that glimpse of my former self on an app was soul crushing. Now I think I may have to delete it because I'm not sure I can take a whole year of my 5 year ago pregnancy bump photos and  funny pregnancy stories. I certainly don't want to have to relive the day we had to share our loss.

I suppose it says something about where I am in my grief journey that it didn't even occur to me that this would happen when I downloaded it. A few years back I'm sure that would have been my first thought. So there's that I guess.

In the meantime I suppose I just need to delete my fun new app.

Sunday, 1 February 2015

Kids Being Sick Sucks

Both the girls have colds, it sucks. Last night just as we were sitting down to eat dinner, Olea started crying because she couldn't breathe. **We eat dinner late. After the girls go to bed**

Frostina (who has a new fear of the dark and needs to sleep with her door open) heard her sister and woke up too. The choir of crying would have been funny if it had happened in a movie. But in the real world it wasn't quite as funny.

It is sweet how when one girl is upset, the other one gets upset for her.... but not when they are both supposed to be sleeping.

After a bit, we realized that no one was going to be sleeping in her own bed. So we opted to divide and conquer. Hubby slept in our bed with Frostina and I slept in our guest room with Olea. Hubby definitely got the better deal because Frostina immediately fell asleep.

I got stuck with the 6 month old with her first really bad cold. She couldn't breathe through her nose and was very unhappy about it. So sleep for me was very hit and miss,,,, mostly miss.

Is it better to have them stagger their illnesses, or just get it done in one fell swoop?

Monday, 12 January 2015

Microblog Monday- Preschool

Frostina has started preschool and the transition has not been easy.

I had to pick her up the first day after a few hours because she wouldn't stop crying. *Hear that, that's my heart breaking a little bit*

It's still very early days but she cries every day when I drop her off. And that makes me sad.

Plus, this has triggered severe separation anxiety with her and nightmares. Oh, and now she's afraid of the dark because of the scary dreams.

Please tell me this will pass soon. I'm not sure how long I can take it. My happy, sunny little girl is an anxiety ridden ball of emotions right now.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

What To Do?

For many years this space has been my haven, my sanctuary, and my support system.

When I began I was broken,,,, completely. I was empty and was desperately reaching out for help. I  needed to find people like me. People who had suffered unthinkable loss. I had to know I wasn't alone.

And I found it, and so much more.

I truly believe that blogging, and the connections I made here saved my sanity. It was the extra bit of therapy that I needed. I owe this space and all of you my life.

But lately I find I have nothing to say. Partly because with 2 little girls to take care of my brain is fried,,,, and partly because I feel like maybe I've said it all.

I never wanted to be a Mommy blogger.

Nothing against Mommy bloggers, but I just don't really want to write about potty training (good days and bad days) and starting solids with my little one (going very well).

Or do I??

As I see more and more of my people, the people who were blogging furiously when I was. When I see these blogs go inactive. When I look at my reader and see hardly any new posts, I start to wonder if it's time for me to say goodbye as well.

I don't really want to, but I don't have much to say right now.

I am torn, do I keep this up but just at a very sporadic pace??

Or do I accept that I have found My New Normal and go about my daily life without documenting it here?

Monday, 22 December 2014

#Microblog Monday- A Good Year?

I did one of those facebook things where they do a photo wrap up of your year. You can edit the wording and photos but the default says something about 2014 being a great year.

I did edit a few of the photos but it never occurred to me to edit the actual wording. You know, the part about 2014 being a good year. Let me repeat,,, it never occurred to me to change the wording that I had a great year. This hasn't happened to me since before we lost our son, way back in 2010.

There have been so many terrible years recently. In those years I would never have imagined that there would be any more good ones. But this one was good,,, and that seems strange to me.

Deep in my grief, a grief I never thought would end, I couldn't have seen this day coming. And yet somehow it has. I am happy, and I had a good year.

I haven't forgotten of course. Forgotten how quickly life can take a turn into a very dark place. I think perhaps I am more appreciative of the good times because I have lived through the absolute worst life has to offer.

So thank you 2014 for not being another terrible year. I think after all I've been through I deserve it. 

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

The Life I Never Thought I Would Have

"How was your day?" My husband asks me on the phone. He is away on business for a few days so he calls to check in when he can.

"Great," I tell him, and I proceed to run down a few highlights of the day. Frostina, (who is being potty trained) had an accident free day. I tell him about our play date and how the host slept through the whole thing so it was pretty much a lunch for me and his mother while Frostina played with all his toys.

I go on to tell him about how Olea is still going through her 4 month sleep regression and is needing to be resettled every 2 hours. I tell him how tired I am and how I hope this phase passes quickly. Then I put him on speaker so he can talk to Frostina for a minute.

I am living the typical life of an American suburban housewife. My days are filled with stroller strides, play dates, and dance class. I worry about nap times, sterilizing bottles, and how many weight watchers points are in a glass (bottle) of wine. I try and keep up with the bills and the housework and taking care of my husband. Sometimes I even find the time to take some time for myself. Life is crazy, and hectic, and messy.

This is not the life I ever thought I would have.

Even before I knew I would have trouble conceiving, before I knew all the troubles that lay ahead, I never once thought I would be a stay at home Mom. After all, I had a college education and a career. I was a modern woman who didn't want to have to depend 100% financially on anyone. I would have my kids, take my maternity leave, and then go back to work.

They say life is what happens while you're busy making plans.

Life happened to me. Boy did it ever happen to me. First it was unexplained infertility; then it was our miracle pregnancy that ended in tragedy; then I was told my eggs were crappy and we had to use an egg donor.

I went from thinking I would just have my kids and send them to daycare, to wondering if I would ever have a living child at all. The idea that I would one day have two beautiful girls to stay at home and take care of didn't seem possible.

Once I had Frostina I knew I wanted to be with her full time, and when Olea was born I was even more sure that this is what I wanted.

I'm not saying it isn't hard, because it is VERY VERY hard. There are days when I want to lock myself in the bathroom and hide from all the demands and crying. There are days when The Hubby gets home and I just want to toss the kids at him, jump in my car, and go someplace where I can have a few moments to myself.

But there are other moments, when the baby is sleeping and Frostina crawls in my lap and asks me to read her a book. Or when Olea is laying on her playmat and Frostina lays next to her and gives her a kiss when I am reminded just how blessed I am.

It's my life, and I've embraced it.... but it's certainly not the life I thought I would have.

Monday, 6 October 2014

#Microblog Monday- No AC

Our air conditioner is broken.

We live in South Florida.

It is hot in here.

I have two small children who are having trouble sleeping.

I can't wait for the repairman to get here.

It is very hot in here.

Monday, 29 September 2014

#MicroblogMonday- It's Really Hard

It's all I ever wanted, but it's really hard.

I have two living children,,,, two living children.

Two Living Children

That's something that for a very long time I thought I would never be able to say.

But it's hard,,,,, really hard.

In my desperation and longing for children, I never imagined it would be this hard. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and then I feel guilty.

Because I wanted them so badly.
Because I love them so much.
Because I'm so very grateful to have them.
Because I miss the one who isn't here so very much.

My house is a mess. There are three days worth of dishes in the sink. I made us order take out last night so as not to add to the pile. I am behind on paying some hospital bills and a few others I'm sure. I keep forgetting to take my daily medicine.

I am incapable of getting the three of us anywhere on time.

I am happy, I am tired, I am grateful, and I am overwhelmed.

Right now, by some miracle they are both sleeping.

I'm pretty sure the baby has just pooped,,,, but I'm not going to wake her up to check. Because she's sleeping and I really need the break.