Monday, 12 January 2015

Microblog Monday- Preschool

Frostina has started preschool and the transition has not been easy.

I had to pick her up the first day after a few hours because she wouldn't stop crying. *Hear that, that's my heart breaking a little bit*

It's still very early days but she cries every day when I drop her off. And that makes me sad.

Plus, this has triggered severe separation anxiety with her and nightmares. Oh, and now she's afraid of the dark because of the scary dreams.

Please tell me this will pass soon. I'm not sure how long I can take it. My happy, sunny little girl is an anxiety ridden ball of emotions right now.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

What To Do?

For many years this space has been my haven, my sanctuary, and my support system.

When I began I was broken,,,, completely. I was empty and was desperately reaching out for help. I  needed to find people like me. People who had suffered unthinkable loss. I had to know I wasn't alone.

And I found it, and so much more.

I truly believe that blogging, and the connections I made here saved my sanity. It was the extra bit of therapy that I needed. I owe this space and all of you my life.

But lately I find I have nothing to say. Partly because with 2 little girls to take care of my brain is fried,,,, and partly because I feel like maybe I've said it all.

I never wanted to be a Mommy blogger.

Nothing against Mommy bloggers, but I just don't really want to write about potty training (good days and bad days) and starting solids with my little one (going very well).

Or do I??

As I see more and more of my people, the people who were blogging furiously when I was. When I see these blogs go inactive. When I look at my reader and see hardly any new posts, I start to wonder if it's time for me to say goodbye as well.

I don't really want to, but I don't have much to say right now.

I am torn, do I keep this up but just at a very sporadic pace??

Or do I accept that I have found My New Normal and go about my daily life without documenting it here?

Monday, 22 December 2014

#Microblog Monday- A Good Year?

I did one of those facebook things where they do a photo wrap up of your year. You can edit the wording and photos but the default says something about 2014 being a great year.

I did edit a few of the photos but it never occurred to me to edit the actual wording. You know, the part about 2014 being a good year. Let me repeat,,, it never occurred to me to change the wording that I had a great year. This hasn't happened to me since before we lost our son, way back in 2010.

There have been so many terrible years recently. In those years I would never have imagined that there would be any more good ones. But this one was good,,, and that seems strange to me.

Deep in my grief, a grief I never thought would end, I couldn't have seen this day coming. And yet somehow it has. I am happy, and I had a good year.

I haven't forgotten of course. Forgotten how quickly life can take a turn into a very dark place. I think perhaps I am more appreciative of the good times because I have lived through the absolute worst life has to offer.

So thank you 2014 for not being another terrible year. I think after all I've been through I deserve it. 

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

The Life I Never Thought I Would Have

"How was your day?" My husband asks me on the phone. He is away on business for a few days so he calls to check in when he can.

"Great," I tell him, and I proceed to run down a few highlights of the day. Frostina, (who is being potty trained) had an accident free day. I tell him about our play date and how the host slept through the whole thing so it was pretty much a lunch for me and his mother while Frostina played with all his toys.

I go on to tell him about how Olea is still going through her 4 month sleep regression and is needing to be resettled every 2 hours. I tell him how tired I am and how I hope this phase passes quickly. Then I put him on speaker so he can talk to Frostina for a minute.

I am living the typical life of an American suburban housewife. My days are filled with stroller strides, play dates, and dance class. I worry about nap times, sterilizing bottles, and how many weight watchers points are in a glass (bottle) of wine. I try and keep up with the bills and the housework and taking care of my husband. Sometimes I even find the time to take some time for myself. Life is crazy, and hectic, and messy.

This is not the life I ever thought I would have.

Even before I knew I would have trouble conceiving, before I knew all the troubles that lay ahead, I never once thought I would be a stay at home Mom. After all, I had a college education and a career. I was a modern woman who didn't want to have to depend 100% financially on anyone. I would have my kids, take my maternity leave, and then go back to work.

They say life is what happens while you're busy making plans.

Life happened to me. Boy did it ever happen to me. First it was unexplained infertility; then it was our miracle pregnancy that ended in tragedy; then I was told my eggs were crappy and we had to use an egg donor.

I went from thinking I would just have my kids and send them to daycare, to wondering if I would ever have a living child at all. The idea that I would one day have two beautiful girls to stay at home and take care of didn't seem possible.

Once I had Frostina I knew I wanted to be with her full time, and when Olea was born I was even more sure that this is what I wanted.

I'm not saying it isn't hard, because it is VERY VERY hard. There are days when I want to lock myself in the bathroom and hide from all the demands and crying. There are days when The Hubby gets home and I just want to toss the kids at him, jump in my car, and go someplace where I can have a few moments to myself.

But there are other moments, when the baby is sleeping and Frostina crawls in my lap and asks me to read her a book. Or when Olea is laying on her playmat and Frostina lays next to her and gives her a kiss when I am reminded just how blessed I am.

It's my life, and I've embraced it.... but it's certainly not the life I thought I would have.

Monday, 6 October 2014

#Microblog Monday- No AC

Our air conditioner is broken.

We live in South Florida.

It is hot in here.

I have two small children who are having trouble sleeping.

I can't wait for the repairman to get here.

It is very hot in here.

Monday, 29 September 2014

#MicroblogMonday- It's Really Hard

It's all I ever wanted, but it's really hard.

I have two living children,,,, two living children.

Two Living Children

That's something that for a very long time I thought I would never be able to say.

But it's hard,,,,, really hard.

In my desperation and longing for children, I never imagined it would be this hard. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and then I feel guilty.

Because I wanted them so badly.
Because I love them so much.
Because I'm so very grateful to have them.
Because I miss the one who isn't here so very much.

My house is a mess. There are three days worth of dishes in the sink. I made us order take out last night so as not to add to the pile. I am behind on paying some hospital bills and a few others I'm sure. I keep forgetting to take my daily medicine.

I am incapable of getting the three of us anywhere on time.

I am happy, I am tired, I am grateful, and I am overwhelmed.


Right now, by some miracle they are both sleeping.

I'm pretty sure the baby has just pooped,,,, but I'm not going to wake her up to check. Because she's sleeping and I really need the break.

Monday, 22 September 2014

#Microblog Monday- Get Those Out Of Your Mouth

Olea is 2 months old now and starting to interact with her world. So I unpacked all the infant toys I had in the closet and carefully washed them in hot water and soap.

I wouldn't want her to touch any toys that were dirty or not sterile.

What I didn't count on is that Frostina was absolutely fascinated at seeing her old toys again. And by fascinated, I mean obsessed.

She couldn't wait until they dried. She kept going back into the bathroom asking if they were clean yet.

Finally they were. And I carefully laid them on Olea's play mat.

Seconds later I witnessed Frostina putting each of them in her mouth.

One by one, side by side, each toy, each angle, everything became covered in her slobber and her germs.

Ugh!

Monday, 15 September 2014

#Microblog Mondays- Making Friends

I am starting to make friends here in my new hometown.

Friends who didn't know me before my loss.
Friends who meet me and see a Mother of  two little girls.
Friends who don't know about my struggles with infertility.
Friends who want to spend time with me even after they know my story.

I know it will be a long time before I have the kind of network I had back in London, but it feels good to run into a familiar face every now and again.

It makes me feel a bit less lonely.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

A Better New Normal

I'm still here. I know it's been a while since I've written anything here. But I'm still here.

Parenting two living children is overwhelming and I am still adjusting to My New Normal.

This new normal is so much better than the new normal I was adjusting to when I first started this blog. Back then, I was trying to process a tragic loss. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to manage life with two living  children. A struggle that all parents with more than one child deal with.

For once, I'm normal. Not just a BLM, but a normal Mom with normal Mom problems and issues. 

I love it, but it takes up all my time.

I want to share this new life with all of you, but I haven't been able to figure out how to find the time. When I do have the time I'm usually trying to clean up the mess that is my house these days or I'm trying to take a nap.

I promise to get better at updating soon.

Until then, just know that I am happy. My kids (love being able to say that in plural) are happy. And that life is good.

Very hectic and busy.... but good.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Happy 4th Birthday In Heaven

I'm a day late on this and even though I have the best excuse in the world,,,,, new baby and house guests,,, I feel guilty.

Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you every day. Your sisters don't really understand you yet, but we talk about you all the time. Thank you for looking out for them and keeping them safe.

We bought you a balloon but your sister Frostina wants to play with it, so we will probably send it to you this weekend.

We wish you were here with us.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Frostina, and Olea