Thursday, 7 June 2018

My Best Self is Lost in the Fog

Morning begins as it always does. I am awakened by one of my children who needs something from me. Something that requires me to get out of bed. I am awake but exhausted. I get up because it's my job, I'm their Mommy. I fulfill my duty and then the lure of the bed draws me back into my room.

"Come, lay with me," the fog calls, "it's too early to get up and you need more sleep."

I don't get go back to sleep because it's time for breakfast. It's my job to feed them, so downstairs I go. The day is crazy and hectic. I am pulled in a million directions. I am asked a million questions. I fluctuate between love, joy, stress, and rage. The rage is often misplaced, but it has a need to express itself, to let itself be known. To take over and remind me who is in charge.

After the rage comes the guilt and regret. Why did I lose it? Why can't I handle everything with a cool and collected tone? What is wrong with me? Am I messing up my kids by yelling at them? I wonder what happened to me. When did I become this person? 

"Come and spend time with me," the fog beckons, "let my arms embrace and envelop you. You know it's easier to just give into me." 

I love my family. I love being in my family. I know the things I need to do to have my day go well. I am always proud of myself on the days when I've managed to keep it together. I know that the calmer I stay the better the day goes, but still sometimes that isn't enough.

I feel guilty a lot. Guilt for the things I don't get to. Guilt for the things I do but don't do joyfully. Guilt for the feeling that sometimes I just want to run away. To escape into the fog, just for a little while. To curl up in it's arms and rest for a while.

"Yes, that's a great idea," the fog whispers.

I am so tired all the time, mentally and physically. A nap in the afternoon, a few hours watching TV by myself, or a good book would all be a welcome respite. But those moments rarely happen. Most days my life is full of interruptions and requests. Things that as a Mom and a Wife I need to do, because it's my job, and because I love them.

I give all of myself, to my children, to my husband, and to my family. I give even when I feel like there is nothing left. Until my body is an empty hole. Until even an extra snack or a glass of wine can't make me feel better. That's when the fog comes back. It tempts me, it calls me, it swirls around my feet. I try to run away from it but sometimes I stumble. I stumble into the fog where sadness, anxiety, and guilt await me.

My body is lethargic from the slog. I battle everyday to free myself completely. Some days I am successful, other days I am not. I try to be my best self for everyone all the time, but sometimes I fear I have forgotten who my best self is.

Who is she? What does she want? How would her day go? These are all questions I ask myself in the abstract. Maybe the best me is still stuck in the fog. Maybe I need to go back there and see if I can find her.











3 comments:

  1. So perfectly said. I have so many of the same feelings, so know you aren’t alone

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes-all the yesses. I learned long ago that sleep is my coping mechanism to deal with the crazy that comes with raising kids. It’s better for everyone if I have a nap. You can only give so much for so long before there’s just nothing left...I have those same thoughts every single day. These kids that we worked/fought so hard to have/get and I get SO pissy with them sometimes...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, mama. I can so relate. ��

    ReplyDelete