Sunday, 24 June 2012

Cards- Sort Of Silent Sunday

It is so much nicer to receive congratulations on your new baby cards than to receive condolence cards. 
It's a stark contrast to 2010. 
We are truly blessed.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

It is me...........the Hubby

My wife has asked me many times over the last year+ if I wanted to "guest post". I always said NO, this was her space. I still believe it is, and I am pretty sure this will be my one and only post. After this I will go back to being a fan........

June 8th, 2012 was the happiest day of my life. At 8:49am when I heard that wonderful sound.....the sound of my baby girl........our Frostina crying as she entered this world. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT!  In a instant, overwhelming joy..and yes RELIEF swept through my body. SHE MADE IT!

In order to get to this moment, I want to express my thoughts about 3 "people".

The 1st is someone I will never know. There are many people like her...........women who for some reason have chosen to give a gift. A gift that can never be repaid. Why these women choose to do this, what inspires them, what motivates them, I will never understand. But for the lady who donated her that my wife and I could be make Frostina a possibility....THANK YOU. I hope somehow you "know"......I am forever GRATEFUL!

The 2nd "person" I want to recognise is......YOU. Yes you. the loyal followers to my wife's blog. When she started this, it was her way to go somewhere private, to write what she was one to judge her. No family, no friends....and yes at first no hubby. Just her "place".

What this blog has turned into, truly amazes me. The community of support. Women with similar stories and loss and struggle. Whether you know it or not, you have been something for her no one else could be. But without you, I'm not sure if she could have made this journey. You have motivated, inspired and supported my wife so wonderfully from her 1st blog about losing our son, through some funny moments ( top 10 infertility list) to the joy of Frostina's arrival. THANK YOU!

The 3rd..of course is my wife. I know you say you do not feel like it at times. But you are truly the strongest person I know. If not for your strength, determination and most of all your LOVE...........Frostina would not be here today. I could write a book on everything you have put yourself through.........all the doctors appointments, all the flights, all the shots, all the medications.

NO ONE deserves to be called MOMMY more than you. The joy and smile on your face holding our so truly beautiful.

We will never forgot our son...........he lives in our hearts everyday. I know he would be such a great big brother to Frostina...........

I Love you with all my heart...........

Frostina's Daddy

Thursday, 21 June 2012

First Week Home

Well we have been home for just over a week and life is hectic. I am slowly learning to adjust to a life that is dictated by feeding schedules. Frostina is doing great. She eats every 3-4 hours and does a bit of crying and sleeping in between. She is an absolute doll and I love her more each time I look at her.

She has also been spending a bit of time in her activity center,,, which she loves. It's amazing to me that she can already focus a bit on the brightly colored stuffed toys hanging from it. She also tracks our faces when we talk which gives us a chance to stare into her beautiful blue eyes. They make us melt. I want so badly to put her into her baby bouncer and the baby bjorn carrier but she's still too small for them, so for now it's just the activity center and tummy time and her moses basket.

She is already Daddy's little girl. They spend lots of skin to skin time which is sooooo cute. I can't decide who enjoys the time more, Daddy, Frostina, or me. All I know is that The Hubby is a great Dad and we're both lucky to have him.

I am struggling a bit with the lack of sleep. Part of the problem is that I'm also struggling with breastfeeding. I don't have enough milk and Frostina isn't good at latching on. So it's a continual cycle. As a result I've been pumping to get more milk. I hate the pump!

Because Frostina is still a tiny little thing (just over 5 lbs) we have to worry about her losing too much weight. So at the moment she's getting two bottles. One of expressed breast milk (which I have to pump at every feed), and one of formula. It's a lot of work because basically I'm breastfeeding (well, trying to) and bottle feeding. That's two bottles for every feed plus a pumping session afterwards.

The result is one tired Mommy!! Sleeping in 1-2 hour bursts is not something I'm good at.

Yesterday I had a major meltdown spewing my hatred for the breast pump. I was ready to throw in the towel on the whole breastfeeding thing. I am just frustrated that I've failed so miserably at it so far. I really want to breastfeed but had no idea just how difficult it would be for me. Something needed to change, and fast.

So we came up with a new strategy. I do all of the above for every feed except for the first night feed which is usually around 11pm. That feed The Hubby and my Mom will do without me. So I get almost 6 hours of sleep if all goes well.

We tried this for the first time last night and I already feel like a new woman!! 

I'm sure there's a ton more to update but my brain is mush and I need to hurry up and eat and shower before she wakes up and I'm back on Mommy duty!

*Oh, and The Hubby has expressed an interest in doing a guest post here on the blog so watch out for that.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Frostina's Homecoming

Wow what a week! It still seems surreal. I have an actual living baby in my home. She cries, and poops, and keeps me awake at night. She's very good at that bit by the way. It's wonderful and overwhelming at the same time.

My Mother is over from the US to help out, without her I'm not sure what we would do. She did not subscribe to my "don't buy anything until the baby is born" philosophy. As a result, I was greeted home with a sea of pink. There were tons of cute clothes and a quilt she made herself.

I was overwhelmed with emotion when I entered the house. When I left for the hospital there was barely any sign that a baby was on it's way. When I returned with Frostina in my arms, my house was overflowing with baby gear. So I responded the way any new Mom would, with floods of tears. Overwhelmed by my hormones and feeling of relief for Frostina's safe arrival I surrendered to them and let the tears flow freely.

As I sat on my couch crying I had a flashback to August 2010. I had sat on that very same couch back then crying a million tears. Mourning my loss with empty arms and a broken heart. From the outside it looked the same, but it couldn't be more different. This time I was crying tears of joy. My heart and my house was full. Filled of love and joy, but more importantly filled with a living baby and lots of baby stuff.

Frostina sleeping in her new bed in her new home.

Monday, 11 June 2012


I am overjoyed.

I know I've already told you this, but I think that's the best word to describe how amazing it feels to finally have Frostina in my arms. I can't think of any other way to describe it. So I won't, I'll stick to overjoyed.

The Hubby and I are overjoyed. This little girl has brought back a feeling of happiness and contentment that I think we both thought we had lost forever. When she was born she came out screaming,,, a beautiful sound,,, and The Hubby and I instantly burst out into tears too. So there we were, the three of us in a chorus of crying. We were surrounded by doctors and midwives and nurses and yet were were alone together in that room. In that special moment it was just the three of us.

The song we were singing was one of pain and loss and relief and joy all at the same time. It's amazing how much tears can communicate. Our tears on that day were a release of two years of grief plus eight years of the pain of infertility. That's ten years of struggling before we have finally been blessed with a living baby. So as you can imagine, there were lots of tears to be shed.

I'm overflowing with love for this little girl. Every morning when I wake up I have this strong need to hold her. To ensure myself she's real. Once I get her in my arms the tears flow. I cry one of those ugly snotty cries. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so desperately relieved and happy she's here. If she were awake during this time I'm sure she would be wondering what her crazy Mommy is doing. But thankfully she sleeps through my sobs and my tears falling onto her face.

When I look at her little face I feel at peace. I think for the first time since we lost our son I can honestly say that I am able to feel joy again. Real joy and a fresh hope for the future. Please don't think I've forgotten my son who looks down on us from heaven. I haven't and never will. But I think he would want me to be able to feel happiness again. And for the first time in a long time, I think I'm going to be able to.

Friday, 8 June 2012

Welcome To The World Frostina

Today is a wonderful day. Our little Frostina was born healthy and alive!!!!

She came out crying and it was the best sound I've ever heard. I don't know who cried more, Frostina, The Hubby, or Me.

She is doing great and I am overjoyed.

I will post more later but for now I'm just drinking her in.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Countdown To Baby... 2 Days

I am starting to believe.

We met with my consultant (doctor) today for our final appointment. We got to see Frostina on his tiny little machine and she's still doing great. Head down finally after spending most of this pregnancy transverse. Not that it matters since I'm having a C-section, but the consultant said her position will make it easier to get to her which is good. In addition we got to hear her heartbeat which is always music to my ears.

We went over the procedure and schedule for Friday. We have to be at the hospital pretty early in the morning but that's just as well because I'm sure we won't get much sleep on Thursday night. I asked all my questions and signed the necessary consent forms.

And that's it. We're done. The only thing left to do is get through the next 2 days and then deliver this baby!


Monday, 4 June 2012

Countdown to baby... 4 days

That's right, 4 days until we're set to meet Frostina. We have been living in countdown mode for the past week and are pretty much driving ourselves crazy. I haven't wanted to post about this any earlier because it still feels like we're tempting fate. That somehow by writing it down we might become just a bit too smug, a bit too sure of our happy ending.

Now for most people, being smug and sure of your happy ending is just fine. That's because most people get their happy endings. They manage to go through life on the right side of the odds, skirting tragedy at every turn. They can complain about their pregnancies and say things like, "I'm so done with this pregnancy," and, "I can't wait to get this baby out of me," without fear or worry that anything real will go wrong. They can interview and hire their night nanny before their 20 week anomaly scan and consider themselves good planners and well prepared.

I am not most people though. I am the kind of person that bad things happen to. I am the 1 in 1000. I am that total fluke. I am the person that doctors say things like, "It's very rare, but it does happen," to. I am the person who really should buy lottery tickets because I seem to beat all the odds.

So even though I know that it is highly likely that Frostina will be born healthy and alive, I still cannot seem to wrap my mind around it all. Even though she kicks all the time and all her scans have been glowing, I still cannot allow myself to fully embrace the idea that we will be taking her home with us. I cannot allow myself to believe it fully, not just yet.

Which should make for an interesting first few weeks at home since we are completely unprepared for an actual baby!

I think the word to describe how I am feeling today is disbelief.

4 days to go.

Friday, 1 June 2012

What On The Hubby's Mind

Today my amazing and fabulous husband posted his feelings about our daughter's upcoming birth on his facebook page. I am 36 weeks pregnant and we are one week away from her delivery date. Frostina has officially outlived her brother now, a fact that is both joyful and bittersweet. We're thrilled for her and yet so desperately sad that things didn't work out for him.

Reading his words today touched me so much for so many reasons. I am removing the names and sharing it with all of you because I think it's such an important reminder that husbands lose babies too. So much focus is on the women and how we're doing. People want to know how we're coping and often the men are pushed aside and forgotten.

We should never forget that men grieve as much as we do. They feel the loss just as much as we do. There is a club of Baby Loss Dads out there who deserve as much support and love as we Baby Loss Moms get. So without any further chatter from me. Here's what was on The Hubby's mind today.

What's on my mind.....1 thing....1 WEEK TO GO!!! After more than 10 years trying, disappointments, medical opinions from LA to SF to London and Washington, to the ultimate joy of my wife getting pregnant on xmas eve 2009 and then the ultimate loss of our son, through this 2 year journey of grief followed by new hope........we are down to 1 meet and hold our little girl.