2010- The world stops. She can hear her husband sobbing inconsolably. He is
screaming, "No, no. Do something. Can't you save him?" She can hear his
wails but is completely numb. She feels nothing.
Flash
2014- I am driving to my 36 (almost) week scan. Frostina is with a sitter and The Hubby is out of town. I am blasting the radio and singing along.
Flash
2010- She and her husband are sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in and do her ultrasound. While they are grateful that they have a doctor to do all their scans, it's annoying when he runs late as he is prone to do. They have already waited over 30 minutes just to get in the room and now they are waiting again. She is annoyed because she worries that the smoothie she drank to wake the baby up will "wear off" before the scan finally starts.
Flash
2014- It's my 36 week scan. A huge milestone for me. In my first pregnancy it's where things all fell apart. A fact that I am doing my best to repress. After all, I decided to try and focus on the good things and not the fear this time around. I turn the radio up and sing a little louder.
Flash
2010- She is 36 weeks pregnant with her miracle baby. There were lots of worries along the way but once they got the good results at their 20 week scan she has been anxiously awaiting the arrival of their much wanted baby boy. They are all clear.
The day is hectic. Her Hubby has invited a group of his employees over for dinner because they are all in town for a meeting. He has escaped this meeting for the scan but has to rush back once it's over. The plan is to have the scan; meet with her OB to discuss the results; and then he goes back to work and she goes home to finish cooking the chili and tidying up the house before everyone arrives. So this delay for the scan is quite annoying.
Finally he goes out to see what the delay is. After all, they both have a very busy day and they have waited long enough. The doctor comes in a few minutes later full of apologies and excuses for his tardiness. He readies the machine and begins the scan.
The two of them look to the screen to see their little boy.
He begins to focus on the head and starts to take measurements, just like normal. But then there is a hesitation. She notices but brushes it off. He backs up the scan and starts again. This time looking at the head from a different angle, and then another. Then he quickly switches views to one she isn't familiar with. His tone changes and he starts asking her questions.
Flash
2014- She knows what's coming next. This memory has been creeping up on her for weeks. You can repress these things but somehow they have a way of catching up to you. She can feel the tears well up in her eyes as she drives down the Florida Turnpike.
Flash
2010- When was the last time you felt the baby move? The answer was an hour ago, just after the smoothie. She finds out later that this couldn't possibly be true. He goes on to ask if there has been a decrease in movement lately. The answer was, "Of course because we all know they run out of room at the end."
Flash
2014- The tears are now flowing. Turning up the radio and singing loudly doesn't deter them.
Flash
2010- She can't figure out why he is asking these questions while flicking the ultrasound machine from one body part to another. He wants to know exactly when she noticed a decrease in movement. He asks several ways before she finally becomes alarmed. "Why do you want to know this?" she finally asks.
Silence.
Flash
2014- Stop thinking about this. Think about something else.
Flash
2010- "Why do you want to know this?" she asks. It's at this point that she feels her hubby gripping her hand very tightly... though she takes no notice.
Pause
"Why are you asking me this?" she asks again. This time she is starting to sense that all is not well.
"I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."
Flash
2014- Seriously, why are you going there? You need to stop. You are driving. You promised yourself that you wouldn't do this to yourself this pregnancy. Things are going so much better this time. You have a diagnosis, you have medication, and this baby is doing much better than your son or Frostina. You need to snap out of it. NOW!
Flash
2010- The world stops. She can hear her husband sobbing inconsolably. He is screaming, "No, no. Do something. Can't you save him?" She can hear his wails but is completely numb. She feels nothing.
It's pandemonium at this point. The girl assisting the scan leaves the room. Shortly after that, their OB enters the room to confirm the devastating news. There are no signs of life, their baby is dead. Based on what they can see, he has been gone for at least a week.
Flash
2014- To this day I still can't belive I didn't know. I still can't believe that I thought I could feel him moving... even after I knew he was gone.
It's raining outside now, a reflection of my inner mood. But again it's time to snap out of it. I promised myself I would.
Flash
2010- Phone calls have to be made. She calls her parents in California and wakes them up. She has lost track of time and has no idea what time it is for them. Her Hubby has to call his employees to tell them he won't be back for the rest of the day, and that the BBQ and chili dinner are off. They want to know why and of course he has to tell them.
More sobs and wails from her Husband, but she is still completely numb. The truth won't hit her for hours, but when it does it will feel like a building falling on her.
Flash
2014- Ok, enough already. I'm serious... it's time to snap out of it. You have to drive in the rain and you don't want to get into an accident now do you?
So I wipe my tears and pull myself together. It's been a very long time since I've had any flashbacks and I can't say I miss them.
This whole episode happened to me last week and it's taken this long for me to be able to write about it. I swear, just about the time I think I've got my grief under control it comes back to let me know I don't. I read a post earlier this week that Brooke wrote about grief coming to visit when you least expect it. Well I'm here to testify that grief is truly it's own entity and it comes to visit on it's schedule, not yours. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, it's always just around the corner.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Monday, 4 February 2013
Crying In Toy Stores
At some point I would like to be able to report that I am no longer crying in public places. I'd like to report that I no longer have flashbacks that bring me to tears. I'd like to be able to report that I don't have random crying jags anymore. Today is not going to be that day.
Apparently I am stuck with this new found propensity for crying in public. Actually, it's not that new anymore. It's been happening since my son died almost 2 and a half years ago. Wow, typing that just made me realize that it's been almost 2 and a half years since we said good bye. That's a long time.
I stopped carrying around my sunglasses because I thought perhaps I was past this whole thing. Really I should have known better after what happened when I took Frostina to see Santa. But clearly I am still in denial that my emotions are so much closer to the surface than they used to be.
The Hubby and I just got back from a week away. It was nice to be on vacation in America without the obligation of visiting family and basically being passed around like an expat ping pong ball. We had lots of time to sight see and shop without having to worry about balancing our time between his and my family. It was a very nice week away.
On the last day we decided to kill some time before we had to go to the airport by doing some shopping. Naturally we ended up in a toy store. It's a whole new experience being in a toy store now that we have a living baby to buy things for. She's still a bit too young to tell us what she wants, but she was clearly enthralled with the store. They obviously know how to capture even a babies interest at the Disney Store because she was oohing and aahhing and squealing with laughter. It was one of the funniest things I've seen.
As we were browsing the princess section I burst into tears. I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot. I mean, seriously, who cries at the Disney Store??? Me apparently.
The Hubby was completely confused. "What's wrong?" he asked me. Nothing was wrong of course. I was just overwhelmed at the fact that we actually have a baby who we can buy princess toys for, and princess outfits, and princess crowns.... you get the idea.
For so long I thought this day would never come. The day when we went to toy stores like normal people and got toys for our child. The day when I would no longer rush past toy stores trying not to look in and see other people and their happy children.
This day I was one of those parents. A happy parent pushing around my happy, squealing baby. My happy baby who I could buy a princess toy for. Not that I looked like a happy parent with tears streaming down my face,,, but I'm working on that part.
Apparently I am stuck with this new found propensity for crying in public. Actually, it's not that new anymore. It's been happening since my son died almost 2 and a half years ago. Wow, typing that just made me realize that it's been almost 2 and a half years since we said good bye. That's a long time.
I stopped carrying around my sunglasses because I thought perhaps I was past this whole thing. Really I should have known better after what happened when I took Frostina to see Santa. But clearly I am still in denial that my emotions are so much closer to the surface than they used to be.
The Hubby and I just got back from a week away. It was nice to be on vacation in America without the obligation of visiting family and basically being passed around like an expat ping pong ball. We had lots of time to sight see and shop without having to worry about balancing our time between his and my family. It was a very nice week away.
On the last day we decided to kill some time before we had to go to the airport by doing some shopping. Naturally we ended up in a toy store. It's a whole new experience being in a toy store now that we have a living baby to buy things for. She's still a bit too young to tell us what she wants, but she was clearly enthralled with the store. They obviously know how to capture even a babies interest at the Disney Store because she was oohing and aahhing and squealing with laughter. It was one of the funniest things I've seen.
As we were browsing the princess section I burst into tears. I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot. I mean, seriously, who cries at the Disney Store??? Me apparently.
The Hubby was completely confused. "What's wrong?" he asked me. Nothing was wrong of course. I was just overwhelmed at the fact that we actually have a baby who we can buy princess toys for, and princess outfits, and princess crowns.... you get the idea.
For so long I thought this day would never come. The day when we went to toy stores like normal people and got toys for our child. The day when I would no longer rush past toy stores trying not to look in and see other people and their happy children.
This day I was one of those parents. A happy parent pushing around my happy, squealing baby. My happy baby who I could buy a princess toy for. Not that I looked like a happy parent with tears streaming down my face,,, but I'm working on that part.
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Two 4 Month Milestones, Oh How Different They Are
I can't believe that in a couple of days my little Frostina will be 4 months old. I'd like to say that the time has flown by but that would be a lie. Life with a colicky baby moves at a snails pace. You find yourself counting down the days until the crying passes. Everyone tells you that 12 weeks is when that happens. So you wait and you wait and you wait.
Then at 12 weeks it happens! The colic passes just like everyone tells you it will. It's like magic. And it's wonderful.
She is like a different baby now. She's happy and playful and mostly only cries when she needs something. We've been getting out more now and doing fun things like baby groups and gymboree. She loves gymboree, especially the bubbles. She opens her mouth like she wants to eat them,,,, it's so cute.
She has just barely started to grab things and I'm still amazed each time I see her do something new. She has almost outgrown her moses basket so we've been putting her in her crib (cot bed) now. I was quite nervous about that, but with the video monitor with it's night vision I can actually see her better now in the dark than I could before. So if the need strikes (which it still does) I can watch her breathing in the middle of the night.
Back in December of 2010 I was experiencing a different 4 month milestone. It was 4 months since my son was born still. I wrote about it here. The two experiences couldn't be more different. 4 months out from the death and birth of my son vs 4 months out from the live birth of my daughter. The same amount of time.... yet completely different emotions.
I still think about him all the time. What he would be like. What he would look like. What kind of big brother he would have been to Frostina.
I saw a woman walking yesterday with a little boy who was about the age my son would have been. She was also pushing a buggy with a little girl who looked the same age as Frostina.
I started to cry when I saw them walking in front of me. They were a picture of what could have been. What should have been. What will never be.
Then at 12 weeks it happens! The colic passes just like everyone tells you it will. It's like magic. And it's wonderful.
She is like a different baby now. She's happy and playful and mostly only cries when she needs something. We've been getting out more now and doing fun things like baby groups and gymboree. She loves gymboree, especially the bubbles. She opens her mouth like she wants to eat them,,,, it's so cute.
She has just barely started to grab things and I'm still amazed each time I see her do something new. She has almost outgrown her moses basket so we've been putting her in her crib (cot bed) now. I was quite nervous about that, but with the video monitor with it's night vision I can actually see her better now in the dark than I could before. So if the need strikes (which it still does) I can watch her breathing in the middle of the night.
Back in December of 2010 I was experiencing a different 4 month milestone. It was 4 months since my son was born still. I wrote about it here. The two experiences couldn't be more different. 4 months out from the death and birth of my son vs 4 months out from the live birth of my daughter. The same amount of time.... yet completely different emotions.
I still think about him all the time. What he would be like. What he would look like. What kind of big brother he would have been to Frostina.
I saw a woman walking yesterday with a little boy who was about the age my son would have been. She was also pushing a buggy with a little girl who looked the same age as Frostina.
I started to cry when I saw them walking in front of me. They were a picture of what could have been. What should have been. What will never be.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Happy 2nd Birthday In Heaven
I'm a day late on this because yesterday was crazy busy and very emotional.
Two years my sweet boy.
Two years since you were born silently into this world.
Two years we have been learning to live without you.
Two years.
We miss you terribly. I wish you were here with us. I wish you could be here to meet your little sister. I wish we could have been a family of 4.
Two years and I miss you just like it was yesterday.
Happy Birthday in heaven my sweet baby boy.
Two years my sweet boy.
Two years since you were born silently into this world.
Two years we have been learning to live without you.
Two years.
We miss you terribly. I wish you were here with us. I wish you could be here to meet your little sister. I wish we could have been a family of 4.
Two years and I miss you just like it was yesterday.
Happy Birthday in heaven my sweet baby boy.
Monday, 30 July 2012
Fighting Sleep & Asking For Help
Lately Frostina has been fighting sleep. She's clearly tired and will fall asleep if someone is holding her. But the moment we set her down she's up again. Up and fussy. It can take some time to calm her down again and then she will sleep for a bit and then it all starts over. Lots and lots of crying. Lots and lots of time with a fussy, unhappy baby. A fussy tired baby who just won't go to sleep.
Just keep holding her? Well that would be fine if we didn't have to eat or sleep or pee, but it's not always possible to do that. Plus sometimes she will wake herself back up even when we do hold her. Everyone says that this is normal behaviour for a 7 week old baby. Everyone says it gets better. I want to believe everyone when they tell me this, but for now I'm pulling my hair out.
I have tried medicine for gas/wind which did nothing so I'm trying something new. My new strategy is two fold. First, I switched to these new bottles which are supposed to help them swallow less air, this resulting in less wind. These Dr Brown bottles promise miracles, I'll wait and see how they work.
In addition to the new bottles, I've started with a bedtime routine. We have a bath followed by a massage. Then we eat and get swaddled and put into bed. The first night this bath time routine worked like a charm. The second two nights,,, not so much. She went to bed each time looking sleepy, calm, and peaceful. This peace lasted about 10 minutes before she was back up and screaming again. But I will persevere because I'm hoping that with repetition she will figure out that bath + food = sleep.
She is the light of my life and the joy in my heart, but at this moment she is one fussy baby. I am at my wits end. I just want to make her happy. I just want her to be content and not cry all the time when she's awake. I want her to sleep well so that when she does have awake time it can be happy and fun. It may or may not be related to the colic. She may or may not actually have colic. She may just be going through a fussy phase.
Either way it's distressing and frustrating. Last night I had another meltdown about it all. When she's unhappy like this I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. I feel like I'm not a good mother to be feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. Then the guilt starts again because after all, she's alive. Alive and well and living at home with us. I can hold her in my arms and not just in my heart. And yet I find myself wanting to escape from the crying. To let The Hubby handle it while I curl up and cry.
I've got my 6 week post c-section appointment today. It's a bit late because my doctor has been away. I think I need to ask him about all the stress and anxiety I'm feeling. I think perhaps it's more than just having colic. I think maybe I may be dealing with some post partum depression. It's a scary thought because I've always seen myself as a stable, have my stuff together kind of person.
Accepting that I may be suffering from some kind of depression is difficult for me. Maybe this is normal? Maybe every new mother feels like this? At this point I have no idea. All I know is that The Hubby is worried about me, and I'm worried about me too. So I owe it to myself, The Hubby, and most importantly,,, to Frostina to figure it out. And to get help if that's what I need.
Just keep holding her? Well that would be fine if we didn't have to eat or sleep or pee, but it's not always possible to do that. Plus sometimes she will wake herself back up even when we do hold her. Everyone says that this is normal behaviour for a 7 week old baby. Everyone says it gets better. I want to believe everyone when they tell me this, but for now I'm pulling my hair out.
I have tried medicine for gas/wind which did nothing so I'm trying something new. My new strategy is two fold. First, I switched to these new bottles which are supposed to help them swallow less air, this resulting in less wind. These Dr Brown bottles promise miracles, I'll wait and see how they work.
In addition to the new bottles, I've started with a bedtime routine. We have a bath followed by a massage. Then we eat and get swaddled and put into bed. The first night this bath time routine worked like a charm. The second two nights,,, not so much. She went to bed each time looking sleepy, calm, and peaceful. This peace lasted about 10 minutes before she was back up and screaming again. But I will persevere because I'm hoping that with repetition she will figure out that bath + food = sleep.
She is the light of my life and the joy in my heart, but at this moment she is one fussy baby. I am at my wits end. I just want to make her happy. I just want her to be content and not cry all the time when she's awake. I want her to sleep well so that when she does have awake time it can be happy and fun. It may or may not be related to the colic. She may or may not actually have colic. She may just be going through a fussy phase.
Either way it's distressing and frustrating. Last night I had another meltdown about it all. When she's unhappy like this I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. I feel like I'm not a good mother to be feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. Then the guilt starts again because after all, she's alive. Alive and well and living at home with us. I can hold her in my arms and not just in my heart. And yet I find myself wanting to escape from the crying. To let The Hubby handle it while I curl up and cry.
I've got my 6 week post c-section appointment today. It's a bit late because my doctor has been away. I think I need to ask him about all the stress and anxiety I'm feeling. I think perhaps it's more than just having colic. I think maybe I may be dealing with some post partum depression. It's a scary thought because I've always seen myself as a stable, have my stuff together kind of person.
Accepting that I may be suffering from some kind of depression is difficult for me. Maybe this is normal? Maybe every new mother feels like this? At this point I have no idea. All I know is that The Hubby is worried about me, and I'm worried about me too. So I owe it to myself, The Hubby, and most importantly,,, to Frostina to figure it out. And to get help if that's what I need.
Monday, 23 July 2012
Maybe I Have Colic Too?
Frostina has colic.
It's not the worst case of colic I've ever heard of, trust me I've heard some stories. But it's distressing nontheless. She cries and screams and just won't settle. Usually it happens around 7 or 8 at night and can continue until midnight. It's not every day, although we have been on a 3 day streak.
I've read all the books and tried a bunch of different things to help calm her. Nothing seems to work except holding her close, walking around, and waiting until she finally wear herself out and falls asleep. By this time, The Hubby and I are also exhausted and we all fall asleep. After an episode of colic she sleeps very well and wakes up the next morning in a great mood. As if the events of the night before never happened.
It's strange watching your happy baby suddenly transform into a unhappy fussy little person. It's frustrating when there's nothing you can really do to fix it for her. We don't know the cause and we really can't fix it until she gets a bit older and grows out of it. Until then we just have to learn how to cope with an unpredictable baby.
I can relate to Frostina's mood swings because I am having them myself.
I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me. Is it normal baby blues? Is it post natal depression? Is my period getting ready to start again and I have PMS? Whatever it is, my hormones are still not settled and as a result I swing from feeling totally happy and in love with my baby to totally exhausted and feeling like I can't handle another night of crying.
I have noticed that my moods have a timetable of their own. I wake up each morning happy and fresh. I feed Frostina with enthusiasm and we enjoy our time in the activity center and swing. We go out for walks and sometimes meet up with friends. The two of us are a happy pair.
As evening comes, something changes. I find myelf feeling tired and riddled with fatigue. Not just physical fatigue, but emotional fatigue. It is at this point where my doubts and insecurities start to kick in. My mind fills with questions and doubts.
Did I do everything right today?
Did I give her enough tummy time?
Did I give her enough stimulation via music and the activity center?
Did I cuddle her enough?
Why didn't I manage to give her a bath today?
Is it ok to let her sleep in her daytime clothes or should I be switching her to pajamas?
Is it bad that I haven't figured out a bedtime routine yet?
Should I be reading books to her?
Am I a good mother?
Am I doing a good job?
Am I doing everything right? - I seem to be obsessed with doing everything right.
Exhausted with this list yet? I know I am.
This list of questions and doubts (and lots more) starts floating around in my head. Am I a good mother? Does the fact that I doubt myself make me a bad mother? Does the fact that sometimes I wish there was someone else who could swoop in when she's crying and make it all better make me a bad mother? Don't get me wrong, The Hubby is amazing and a huge help, but sometimes (especially during her fussy colicky moments) all she wants is me.
As the evening turns into night and these doubts and worries have had a chance to stew in my head I start to get anxious. Anxious that she will be colicky again tonight. Anxious that it's my fault that she's so fussy and won't settle. Worried that she will cry until late in the night and I won't be able to get enough sleep to make it through the next day.
This anxiety and worry exhaust me and I get to the point where all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. Of course, this isn't possible during a night of colic because no one could sleep through the crying. So I often find myself crying right along with her.
The worst part of it all is that I get mad at myself for feeling this way. After all, she is my rainbow baby. When we lost our son I longed for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. I always swore that if I was ever lucky enough to have a rainbow baby I would embrace it all. I swore I would never complain, because a fussy baby is always better than a dead one.
So I beat myself up for being ungrateful. How can I have a moment of unhappiness about Frostina when she alive and here with us?
She's my take home baby. The one I prayed for. The one I wanted more than anything in life. So how can I reconcile the fact that sometimes I just wish I could escape from all the crying? Not ever to escape from her of course, but sometimes I just wish the crying fairy would come in and calm her down and get her to sleep.
Last night I had a talk with The Hubby about my moods. He's a bit worried as well. Neither of us can figure out exactly what it is or how to deal with it. So for now we're taking it day by day and hope that in time it will go away.
That's when I realized that my moods flux just like Frostina's. We both wake up each morning happy as can be and get fussy at night. So that's when it hit me. Maybe I have colic too?
It's not the worst case of colic I've ever heard of, trust me I've heard some stories. But it's distressing nontheless. She cries and screams and just won't settle. Usually it happens around 7 or 8 at night and can continue until midnight. It's not every day, although we have been on a 3 day streak.
I've read all the books and tried a bunch of different things to help calm her. Nothing seems to work except holding her close, walking around, and waiting until she finally wear herself out and falls asleep. By this time, The Hubby and I are also exhausted and we all fall asleep. After an episode of colic she sleeps very well and wakes up the next morning in a great mood. As if the events of the night before never happened.
It's strange watching your happy baby suddenly transform into a unhappy fussy little person. It's frustrating when there's nothing you can really do to fix it for her. We don't know the cause and we really can't fix it until she gets a bit older and grows out of it. Until then we just have to learn how to cope with an unpredictable baby.
I can relate to Frostina's mood swings because I am having them myself.
I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me. Is it normal baby blues? Is it post natal depression? Is my period getting ready to start again and I have PMS? Whatever it is, my hormones are still not settled and as a result I swing from feeling totally happy and in love with my baby to totally exhausted and feeling like I can't handle another night of crying.
I have noticed that my moods have a timetable of their own. I wake up each morning happy and fresh. I feed Frostina with enthusiasm and we enjoy our time in the activity center and swing. We go out for walks and sometimes meet up with friends. The two of us are a happy pair.
As evening comes, something changes. I find myelf feeling tired and riddled with fatigue. Not just physical fatigue, but emotional fatigue. It is at this point where my doubts and insecurities start to kick in. My mind fills with questions and doubts.
Did I do everything right today?
Did I give her enough tummy time?
Did I give her enough stimulation via music and the activity center?
Did I cuddle her enough?
Why didn't I manage to give her a bath today?
Is it ok to let her sleep in her daytime clothes or should I be switching her to pajamas?
Is it bad that I haven't figured out a bedtime routine yet?
Should I be reading books to her?
Am I a good mother?
Am I doing a good job?
Am I doing everything right? - I seem to be obsessed with doing everything right.
Exhausted with this list yet? I know I am.
This list of questions and doubts (and lots more) starts floating around in my head. Am I a good mother? Does the fact that I doubt myself make me a bad mother? Does the fact that sometimes I wish there was someone else who could swoop in when she's crying and make it all better make me a bad mother? Don't get me wrong, The Hubby is amazing and a huge help, but sometimes (especially during her fussy colicky moments) all she wants is me.
As the evening turns into night and these doubts and worries have had a chance to stew in my head I start to get anxious. Anxious that she will be colicky again tonight. Anxious that it's my fault that she's so fussy and won't settle. Worried that she will cry until late in the night and I won't be able to get enough sleep to make it through the next day.
This anxiety and worry exhaust me and I get to the point where all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. Of course, this isn't possible during a night of colic because no one could sleep through the crying. So I often find myself crying right along with her.
The worst part of it all is that I get mad at myself for feeling this way. After all, she is my rainbow baby. When we lost our son I longed for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. I always swore that if I was ever lucky enough to have a rainbow baby I would embrace it all. I swore I would never complain, because a fussy baby is always better than a dead one.
So I beat myself up for being ungrateful. How can I have a moment of unhappiness about Frostina when she alive and here with us?
She's my take home baby. The one I prayed for. The one I wanted more than anything in life. So how can I reconcile the fact that sometimes I just wish I could escape from all the crying? Not ever to escape from her of course, but sometimes I just wish the crying fairy would come in and calm her down and get her to sleep.
Last night I had a talk with The Hubby about my moods. He's a bit worried as well. Neither of us can figure out exactly what it is or how to deal with it. So for now we're taking it day by day and hope that in time it will go away.
That's when I realized that my moods flux just like Frostina's. We both wake up each morning happy as can be and get fussy at night. So that's when it hit me. Maybe I have colic too?
Monday, 11 June 2012
Overjoyed
I am overjoyed.
I know I've already told you this, but I think that's the best word to describe how amazing it feels to finally have Frostina in my arms. I can't think of any other way to describe it. So I won't, I'll stick to overjoyed.
The Hubby and I are overjoyed. This little girl has brought back a feeling of happiness and contentment that I think we both thought we had lost forever. When she was born she came out screaming,,, a beautiful sound,,, and The Hubby and I instantly burst out into tears too. So there we were, the three of us in a chorus of crying. We were surrounded by doctors and midwives and nurses and yet were were alone together in that room. In that special moment it was just the three of us.
The song we were singing was one of pain and loss and relief and joy all at the same time. It's amazing how much tears can communicate. Our tears on that day were a release of two years of grief plus eight years of the pain of infertility. That's ten years of struggling before we have finally been blessed with a living baby. So as you can imagine, there were lots of tears to be shed.
I'm overflowing with love for this little girl. Every morning when I wake up I have this strong need to hold her. To ensure myself she's real. Once I get her in my arms the tears flow. I cry one of those ugly snotty cries. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so desperately relieved and happy she's here. If she were awake during this time I'm sure she would be wondering what her crazy Mommy is doing. But thankfully she sleeps through my sobs and my tears falling onto her face.
When I look at her little face I feel at peace. I think for the first time since we lost our son I can honestly say that I am able to feel joy again. Real joy and a fresh hope for the future. Please don't think I've forgotten my son who looks down on us from heaven. I haven't and never will. But I think he would want me to be able to feel happiness again. And for the first time in a long time, I think I'm going to be able to.
I know I've already told you this, but I think that's the best word to describe how amazing it feels to finally have Frostina in my arms. I can't think of any other way to describe it. So I won't, I'll stick to overjoyed.
The Hubby and I are overjoyed. This little girl has brought back a feeling of happiness and contentment that I think we both thought we had lost forever. When she was born she came out screaming,,, a beautiful sound,,, and The Hubby and I instantly burst out into tears too. So there we were, the three of us in a chorus of crying. We were surrounded by doctors and midwives and nurses and yet were were alone together in that room. In that special moment it was just the three of us.
The song we were singing was one of pain and loss and relief and joy all at the same time. It's amazing how much tears can communicate. Our tears on that day were a release of two years of grief plus eight years of the pain of infertility. That's ten years of struggling before we have finally been blessed with a living baby. So as you can imagine, there were lots of tears to be shed.
I'm overflowing with love for this little girl. Every morning when I wake up I have this strong need to hold her. To ensure myself she's real. Once I get her in my arms the tears flow. I cry one of those ugly snotty cries. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so desperately relieved and happy she's here. If she were awake during this time I'm sure she would be wondering what her crazy Mommy is doing. But thankfully she sleeps through my sobs and my tears falling onto her face.
When I look at her little face I feel at peace. I think for the first time since we lost our son I can honestly say that I am able to feel joy again. Real joy and a fresh hope for the future. Please don't think I've forgotten my son who looks down on us from heaven. I haven't and never will. But I think he would want me to be able to feel happiness again. And for the first time in a long time, I think I'm going to be able to.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Pulling Inwards
I can feel myself pulling inwards. I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I'm finding it harder and harder to get in touch with how I'm feeling. I guess I'm just tired of the emotions, tired of crying, tired of being a slave to my feelings. So I can feel myself trying to bottle them in, as if that will make them go away. Of course I know that bottled feelings always find their way to the surface eventually, but I find myself doing it nonetheless.
I can see it manifesting in many ways. In the land of blogs I'm finding myself skimming posts that are too emotional. As if by skipping over the pain of others I can somehow smooth my own pain out. I'm also finding it very difficult to comment. Not that I've ever been particularly good at this, but lately I've been even worse. It's not that I don't care about all of you, it's just that I can't allow myself to go there enough to make a comment that would be even remotely helpful.
In my real life I am finding myself trying not to feel things, or to hide how I'm feeling around The Hubby. Easter was not nearly as difficult as it was last year. For most of the day I was fine, or perhaps pretending to be fine. It didn't really hit me until I was doing the dishes after dinner. For whatever reason, that's when the grief and sadness hit me.
Normally I would have stopped what I was doing and sought out The Hubby for comfort. But instead I cried silently at the sink. My tears and snot running into the soapy water while I was scrubbing the pots and pans. By the time the kitchen was clean again, my tears were gone and I went back into the living room as if nothing had happened.
I feel guilty for being such a sad needy person. I'm so weary of my crying outbursts, the ones where he holds me while I leak tears and snot all over him. I'm so tired of being that poor woman who's firstborn son died and who is now worried that the same fate will befall her daughter. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done with her.
As if I could will her away that easily.
I can see it manifesting in many ways. In the land of blogs I'm finding myself skimming posts that are too emotional. As if by skipping over the pain of others I can somehow smooth my own pain out. I'm also finding it very difficult to comment. Not that I've ever been particularly good at this, but lately I've been even worse. It's not that I don't care about all of you, it's just that I can't allow myself to go there enough to make a comment that would be even remotely helpful.
In my real life I am finding myself trying not to feel things, or to hide how I'm feeling around The Hubby. Easter was not nearly as difficult as it was last year. For most of the day I was fine, or perhaps pretending to be fine. It didn't really hit me until I was doing the dishes after dinner. For whatever reason, that's when the grief and sadness hit me.
Normally I would have stopped what I was doing and sought out The Hubby for comfort. But instead I cried silently at the sink. My tears and snot running into the soapy water while I was scrubbing the pots and pans. By the time the kitchen was clean again, my tears were gone and I went back into the living room as if nothing had happened.
I feel guilty for being such a sad needy person. I'm so weary of my crying outbursts, the ones where he holds me while I leak tears and snot all over him. I'm so tired of being that poor woman who's firstborn son died and who is now worried that the same fate will befall her daughter. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done with her.
As if I could will her away that easily.
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Just Something Else I'll Never Know
Sometimes I feel like things are back on track. In the year and 7 months since my son died and was born I've done a pretty good job coming to terms with his loss. It's not been easy, especially since I'm pregnant again, but I'm managing. But then, every now and then, something hits me out of the blue that knocks me back down again.
It can be anything really. There are lots of triggers out there. But for some reason it's the things I'll never know that get me the most. I could go through the whole list, but my heart can't take writing that kind of post right now. I'll save that for another day when I'm not feeling quite so vulnerable. Perhaps after Frostina is born happy and healthy and I'm not so worried that I also won't know those things about her. So for now I'm going to put that list aside and get back on topic.
I was chatting with a friend over lunch this week and she was asking about my pregnancy. As I was filling her in on some things the waitress came over and asked if we wanted dessert. After we both said no, I mentioned to my friend that it's probably better if I taper down on my sugars for a while as I'm pretty sure I'll be having my gestational diabetes test sometime soon. That got us on the subject of all the blood tests and injections you have to endure when you're pregnant and how you end up feeling like a human pincushion.
I mentioned in passing that I'm almost due for my anti-d injection. She had no idea what I was talking about and asked what that was. I went on to explain to her that I have an RH-negative blood type and if you have that then your body can create anti-bodies to your baby if he/she has an RH-positive one.
I went on to explain how before they knew about this, babies used to die sometimes as a result of the Mother's immune system thinking the baby was some kind of virus. So now, they give you the anti-d injections as a way to prevent your body from building up any kind of antibodies that can hurt your baby. If the baby is also RH-negative then you won't build up the antibodies, but since they have no way of knowing until after the birth, they give everyone the injections as a precaution. **I am not a doctor so please don't think that I'm any kind of expert on this kind of thing. This is just my understanding of things.
That made me think about my first pregnancy with my son. "You know," I said to her, "I don't know what blood type my son had."
It's not something I've ever wondered about before. Now that I'm pregnant again I suppose it's relevant though. Did the anti-d injections I had in my last pregnancy save me from building up antibodies against this one? Was my son RH-negative like I am? Or was he RH-positive like The Hubby? As I was at a lunch with friends I quickly let the question slip out of my mind and I went on with my day.
For some reason I woke up thinking about this question this morning. One of many questions I have about my son, who will never grow up and help me answer them. There was only one place I could think of to check for the answer. His post mortem report. Not an easy read by any account, but I felt compelled to give it a go. So I dug it out and read through it for probably only the second or third time ever.
It's a completely heartbreaking thing to read, even though I don't understand half of it with all the medical speak it contains. I scoured the entire document with it's charts and figures, but no mention of his blood type. It seems like a strange thing to leave off. I mean, they have the weights and measurements of all his organs, but no blood type?
So basically, I tortured myself with reading in detail about how my son died and didn't get the answer to my question. Nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon! I had a small breakdown after that. Not because it's so important for me to know what his blood type was, but because it's just one more thing I don't know about him.
One more item to add to the list that I'm not ready to write yet.
Just something else I'll never know.
It can be anything really. There are lots of triggers out there. But for some reason it's the things I'll never know that get me the most. I could go through the whole list, but my heart can't take writing that kind of post right now. I'll save that for another day when I'm not feeling quite so vulnerable. Perhaps after Frostina is born happy and healthy and I'm not so worried that I also won't know those things about her. So for now I'm going to put that list aside and get back on topic.
I was chatting with a friend over lunch this week and she was asking about my pregnancy. As I was filling her in on some things the waitress came over and asked if we wanted dessert. After we both said no, I mentioned to my friend that it's probably better if I taper down on my sugars for a while as I'm pretty sure I'll be having my gestational diabetes test sometime soon. That got us on the subject of all the blood tests and injections you have to endure when you're pregnant and how you end up feeling like a human pincushion.
I mentioned in passing that I'm almost due for my anti-d injection. She had no idea what I was talking about and asked what that was. I went on to explain to her that I have an RH-negative blood type and if you have that then your body can create anti-bodies to your baby if he/she has an RH-positive one.
I went on to explain how before they knew about this, babies used to die sometimes as a result of the Mother's immune system thinking the baby was some kind of virus. So now, they give you the anti-d injections as a way to prevent your body from building up any kind of antibodies that can hurt your baby. If the baby is also RH-negative then you won't build up the antibodies, but since they have no way of knowing until after the birth, they give everyone the injections as a precaution. **I am not a doctor so please don't think that I'm any kind of expert on this kind of thing. This is just my understanding of things.
That made me think about my first pregnancy with my son. "You know," I said to her, "I don't know what blood type my son had."
It's not something I've ever wondered about before. Now that I'm pregnant again I suppose it's relevant though. Did the anti-d injections I had in my last pregnancy save me from building up antibodies against this one? Was my son RH-negative like I am? Or was he RH-positive like The Hubby? As I was at a lunch with friends I quickly let the question slip out of my mind and I went on with my day.
For some reason I woke up thinking about this question this morning. One of many questions I have about my son, who will never grow up and help me answer them. There was only one place I could think of to check for the answer. His post mortem report. Not an easy read by any account, but I felt compelled to give it a go. So I dug it out and read through it for probably only the second or third time ever.
It's a completely heartbreaking thing to read, even though I don't understand half of it with all the medical speak it contains. I scoured the entire document with it's charts and figures, but no mention of his blood type. It seems like a strange thing to leave off. I mean, they have the weights and measurements of all his organs, but no blood type?
So basically, I tortured myself with reading in detail about how my son died and didn't get the answer to my question. Nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon! I had a small breakdown after that. Not because it's so important for me to know what his blood type was, but because it's just one more thing I don't know about him.
One more item to add to the list that I'm not ready to write yet.
Just something else I'll never know.
Friday, 18 November 2011
Random Crying Jags
So here's a pregnancy symptom I didn't have last time around.
Random crying jags.
I thought my days of randomly crying in public were over but apparently I was wrong. It's the strangest thing. I can be doing anything, riding the bus, watching tv, walking down the street, or even sitting on the toilet. Sometimes I've allowed my mind to wander to dangerous places... thinking about my son, or even worse, dreaming about this new pregnancy having a good outcome. Sometimes I'm not thinking about anything related to pregnancy or pregnancy loss. Just doing normal day to day things and BAM, the tears start.
Mostly they don't last long and mostly I can hold them back if I'm in public, but still it's driving me crazy. I'm sure it's just those lovely pregnancy hormones at work. The same ones that are making me tired and giving me that nausea that assures me I am in fact pregnant. But this one is making me feel a bit crazy.
I'm not sure if maybe it's just my fear and anxiety bursting through, or something else. But I wish it would stop. Because the tears and crying jags remind me of life shortly after losing my son. When I had no control over my emotions. When I was a slave to them. And I don't want to have to go back there,,,,, ever again.
I guess that's all for today, apologies for being brief and yet all over the place at the same time. What a mess I am.
Random crying jags.
I thought my days of randomly crying in public were over but apparently I was wrong. It's the strangest thing. I can be doing anything, riding the bus, watching tv, walking down the street, or even sitting on the toilet. Sometimes I've allowed my mind to wander to dangerous places... thinking about my son, or even worse, dreaming about this new pregnancy having a good outcome. Sometimes I'm not thinking about anything related to pregnancy or pregnancy loss. Just doing normal day to day things and BAM, the tears start.
Mostly they don't last long and mostly I can hold them back if I'm in public, but still it's driving me crazy. I'm sure it's just those lovely pregnancy hormones at work. The same ones that are making me tired and giving me that nausea that assures me I am in fact pregnant. But this one is making me feel a bit crazy.
I'm not sure if maybe it's just my fear and anxiety bursting through, or something else. But I wish it would stop. Because the tears and crying jags remind me of life shortly after losing my son. When I had no control over my emotions. When I was a slave to them. And I don't want to have to go back there,,,,, ever again.
I guess that's all for today, apologies for being brief and yet all over the place at the same time. What a mess I am.
Friday, 11 November 2011
One Heartbeat!
Today was our first ultrasound and we have a heartbeat!!
As I wrote yesterday, I was freaking out about this scan. Freaking out a lot! I was up until 2am because I couldn't sleep. So to see that heartbeat was such a relief.
The hubby and I were both nervous wrecks today. You could see the nervousness on our faces as we waited for my name to be called. Once we were called in and the scan began it got even worse. I could barely breathe as the nurse slipped Mr Wandy (who was wearing his rubber glove again) in to take a look.
Immediately I saw something, and told myself that was good. A let out a little breath at that point. The nurse then showed us around. I didn't really hear anything until she said, "And there's the heartbeat." At this point I started crying and shaking so then she couldn't see anything until I held still again. She checked out the blood flow and all the rest of the stuff and told us all looks well.
The hubby had been squeezing my hand the whole time and it's at this point that I realized his hand was shaking. He was crying too, which made me cry even harder. So there we were, both crying hysterically in the ultrasound room. Only this time they were happy tears. Such a difference from the last ultrasound we had.
So I'm officially 7 weeks pregnant. Estimated due date June 30th 2012 which seems like a lifetime from now.
I just hope and pray that this baby decides to stay for the long haul and is able to come home with us in June. I also hope that the hubby and I don't have nervous breakdowns during this pregnancy!
As I wrote yesterday, I was freaking out about this scan. Freaking out a lot! I was up until 2am because I couldn't sleep. So to see that heartbeat was such a relief.
The hubby and I were both nervous wrecks today. You could see the nervousness on our faces as we waited for my name to be called. Once we were called in and the scan began it got even worse. I could barely breathe as the nurse slipped Mr Wandy (who was wearing his rubber glove again) in to take a look.
Immediately I saw something, and told myself that was good. A let out a little breath at that point. The nurse then showed us around. I didn't really hear anything until she said, "And there's the heartbeat." At this point I started crying and shaking so then she couldn't see anything until I held still again. She checked out the blood flow and all the rest of the stuff and told us all looks well.
The hubby had been squeezing my hand the whole time and it's at this point that I realized his hand was shaking. He was crying too, which made me cry even harder. So there we were, both crying hysterically in the ultrasound room. Only this time they were happy tears. Such a difference from the last ultrasound we had.
So I'm officially 7 weeks pregnant. Estimated due date June 30th 2012 which seems like a lifetime from now.
I just hope and pray that this baby decides to stay for the long haul and is able to come home with us in June. I also hope that the hubby and I don't have nervous breakdowns during this pregnancy!
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