Sunday, 31 July 2011

Happy... Sad... Scared

These three words describe how the hubby and I are both feeling right now.

We got our fertilization report yesterday. Out of the 8 eggs that we were got from our donor (we did a shared cycle), 5 fertilized. Now I'm a total IVF rookie so I don't know if this is a good number or a bad one, but we are both feeling positive about it. We booked our SUPER EXPENSIVE last-minute flights to Washington DC in preparation for our transfer which is set for Wednesday.

It's so odd to know the exact moment of fertilization, when you get pregnant on your own or via IUI (which is what we did last time) you don't know that exact moment. But with IVF you do. That moment when the possibility of a new life begins. One cell that has divided into two with all the possibilities attached to it. Two cells that we hope divide into four, and so on and so on. Two cells that could perhaps grow into a healthy baby boy or girl that we could take home and welcome into our family. So much hope attached to those two cells. It's actually quite amazing when you think about it.

In the midst of all the hormone injections and fertilization reports we are also approaching a very difficult milestone. On the 13th of August it will be exactly one year since our son was born still. I struggle with what to call it. Is it his birthday? Technically yes because he was born on that day. But he died sometime before that so he wasn't alive to be born. Is it his angelversary? I suppose it's a more descriptive term but again I have a few issues with that term. I don't know what to call it, and it doesn't really matter I suppose. It is the day he was born and it will be a difficult one for the hubby and me.

Yesterday the hubby had a sad moment. I think he's been holding it all in, trying to be strong for me. But yesterday it all came out. He feels like we are replacing our son with this new potential baby. He doesn't want to replace him. He worries that with all this focus on our donor egg IVF cycle we have somehow forgotten about him. He reminded me that a year ago our son was still alive. I had a doctors appointment where we heard his heartbeat. That's the last minute I know for sure that he was still alive.

It is sometime in these next two weeks that he died and I didn't notice. "They could have still saved him then," the hubby kept saying, "He was still alive and they could have saved him." If only playing the what-if game worked. If only I could go back in time and be more vigilant, perhaps they could have.

We had a good cuddle and a cry over it all. I think we both really needed one. Especially him. I think it's so much harder for men to allow themselves to go there. To put down their walls and just feel. I love that the hubby knows that he doesn't always have to be strong for me. That sometimes I can be strong for him.

We really want those five little embryos to continue to divide and grow. We really want to be able to implant one or two of them and have it grow into a healthy, happy, living baby. But we are also scared shitless. What if we have another loss? Will we be able to handle it? How on earth are we going to be able to get through another pregnancy without losing our minds with worry? It's a huge leap of faith,,, one that we are willing to take,,,, but we're still really scared.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Kitchen Table Questions- From Glow

The lovely ladies over at glow in the woods have posted some questions as part of their at the kitchen table project. The theme is time as it relates to our grief. I'm joining in so here are the questions, and my answers.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)?  Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?  
It's been 11 and a half months. Only two weeks away from a whole year. In the beginning I marked the time in weeks, now I'm marking it in months. Sometimes it seems like it's gone very quickly, but most of the time it seems like it's been 10 years already.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief?  How much time do you think that will take?  How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss?  How much time do you think you need now? 
I don't have an end goal. To be honest I'm so caught up in coping and getting by that I haven't thought that far ahead. I don't think there will ever be an end to my grief. I think it's something I will live with forever. Hopefully I get better as time goes on.

3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital?  How long did it take to get there?
I am able to look at babies without feeling like someone is stabbing me in the heart so I consider that to be a milestone. I think this has been happening slowly for the past 6 months or so. I'm also getting very broody again but I wonder if all the IVF hormones in my system have something to do with it. 

4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased?  Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like?  Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you now feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?  
I wouldn't trade the time I had with my son for anything in the world. I would however change the ending.

5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life.  Where are you on this timeline, and you do you find that to be true?
Well I'm one year in so halfway to where this book seems to think I need to be. I don't think anyone follows the same grief timeline so it's impossible to say. I have not put any pressure on myself to get better or get over it. I am allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. Some days I'm good, some days I'm not and both are OK. 

6. There's a familiar saying, "Time Heals all wounds."  Do you think this is true?  Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay:  "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?
No I don't think that's true. Some wounds never heal, but we get better at living with the pain. We find ways to incorporate it into our lives. We get to a point where it doesn't bring us to our knees. We move on in spite of our wounds because in the end we have no other choice.

7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)?  How about your relationship with the past?
I have always said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." However I never realized just how true this was until my son died. I know even more clearly that we really don't know what will happen in the future. We don't have control over things. We need to appreciate what we have now because in a second it can all come crashing down. As far as my relationship with the past goes I don't think anything has changed really. I try not to let myself play the "what-if" game. I understand that the person I am today is a direct result of the past. In the present I am getting to know her all over again. I hope in time I will like the woman I am becoming.

8. How long did it take to answer these questions?
About 20 minutes. I approached this with a very stream of consciousness mentality. I simply read the questions and started typing. I wanted the answers to be my first instinct, not what I thought I should say or what people wanted to read.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Four AM Freakout

I wake up and check the clock (as you do), it's 4am. I roll over to go back to sleep. A dull pain shoots through my stomach and back. I try and ignore it but the dull pain will just not go away. I figure I must have been sleeping in a funny position so I roll over again in an effort to get comfortable.

Ouch. OK, wow, this must be why I woke up at 4am. Hmm, if I can just roll over again maybe the pain will go away. Nope, that's not working either,,, I'm really in pain. I roll over to wake the hubby but of course he's not there because he's away on business. So I'm home alone with these dull achey pains in my upper stomach and back.

Keeping calm would have been advisable, but it's 4am and I'm home alone so of course I start to freak out.
  • Maybe my appendix is bursting.
  • Maybe I have some sort of ulcer. 
  • Maybe the ulcer has made a hole in my stomach and the acid is leaking all over my other organs. - I told you I was freaking out. 
Then it hits me.... what if I have to be rushed to the hospital and need surgery? Our embryo transfer is supposed to be next week.
  • What if I can't fly after surgery?- In my head I've had my appendix taken out already. 
  • What if we have to cancel this cycle due to this pain? 
  • What if it ruins everything? 
By this time I'm really freaking out. Breathing heavy. Heart rate up. I get up and go to the bathroom hoping that may help things out. Nope, but I was lightheaded walking there and back.
  • Is that another symptom or am I just dizzy from hyperventilating? 
  • What if I pass out? 
  • I'm home alone, who will find my body? Then I remember that my personal trainer is set to come over at 9:30 so at least if I fall down and can't get up there will be someone coming over who can call 999 (that's 911 for you Americans). 
I am now in full freak out mode. The pain is moving around a bit, from my stomach to my side to my back. I've never experienced anything like it. What is going on with me? I finally gather enough sense to call NHS Direct which is a 24 hour line where you can call and speak to a nurse. Amazingly they called me back within 10 minutes. The nurse asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms and decided I must have some kind of virus and told me to stay in bed and drink plenty of fluids.

Not satisfied with that I rang my doctor's office and made an appointment for 10am. At my appointment I explained everything to the doctor including my upcoming IVF cycle and all the rest. She knows my history and what happened to my son so she understands just how sensitive and stressful this cycle is for me. She did a good exam and asked me a bunch of questions as well. By this time I had taken some ibuprofen and the pain was gone.

Her conclusion?
  • My appendix isn't bursting. 
  • I don't have an ulcer and therefore said ulcer is not burning a hole in my stomach causing the acid to leak over all my organs. 
  • This pain is not being caused by all the hormones I'm injecting. 
  • She is sure that any dizziness I had was due to freaking out and hyperventilating. 
  • This issue shouldn't affect my ability to fly and I will be able to go ahead with the embryo transfer next week. 
So what's wrong with me? Well she said it could be gallstones but based on her exam and my general description of the pain (and the fact that it went away so easily with ibuprofen) that's probably not it. She thinks it's a combination of stress and the Indian food I had for dinner last night.

I really should have figured it out myself. They hubby hates Indian food so when he goes away I sometimes order my favorite curry to be delivered. It's a bit of a treat which I don't have very often. I've got a sensitive stomach and I usually pay for the curry dinner with heartburn and a bit of an upset tummy. So combine this with the fact that I've got a lot on my mind (wow, understatement of the year) and you've got a recipe for total abdominal meltdown.

So I'm not dying,,, I just need to lay off the Indian food. Her advice was to take it easy and try to relax. If only I could figure out how to manage that one. She also advised bland foods and lots of water. If I have any more pain then I need to come back, but she seems to think this is a one-off type of thing. I hope she's right because I've already got too much to worry about.

Why do these things always happen at 4am??

Pouring my heart out with Shell over at Things I Can't Say.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Dreaming About Rainbows

I had a dream last night about rainbows. In this dream I was trying to explain to my hubby how a baby you have after a loss is called your rainbow baby while trying to show him a rainbow in the sky. This rainbow kept showing when I was looking and then going away when he was looking. It took a while but finally it showed for both of us.

It's no surprise I'm dreaming about rainbows. Last night I had two phone calls to talk about my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. The first call came from the nurse who was updating me on the donor and also wanting to find out how much medication I still had. It was a pretty long call (especially considering she was calling from the US) and she was basically walking me through how this week and next week will look. She was positive but still cautious. Telling me things were going well, but not to buy my plane ticket until after fertilization.

The second call was from the doctor who sounded much more sure that things were going to plan. He told me that they will probably trigger the donor on Wednesday and do the egg retrieval on Friday. Which means if all goes well then I will be hopping on a plane and heading to Washington DC next week Tuesday. He advised me not to buy my plane ticket just yet but ended the call with, "See you next week."

See you next week.

So what started as dates on a piece of paper has turned into something that may actually happen. And the hubby who has been keeping me from getting ahead of myself is now freaking out. He's trying to plan his week, what days he can work from the hotel and what day he can sneak out and go see a baseball game. I reminded him that after the transfer I have to take it easy and not do much so a baseball game might not work out. To which he said then he could just go on his own,,, nice. He is now the one getting ahead of himself. He kept getting the dates all wrong and I finally had to tell him to stop and breathe.

So now we're both excited and scared..... and dreaming about rainbows.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Triple Stripe

I went in for another ultrasound and blood test yesterday. According to the nurse I've got thick "triple stripe" lining. I don't know exactly what triple stripe lining is but apparently it's good. It's what they want you to have before embryo transfer so I'm over the moon. I'm sure I could look it all up and figure out why it's good but I try not to get caught up in all the medical talk because it gets confusing.

In my mind it's like when you make the bed up for house guests. I've got to make the bed look really comfy, cushy, and soft so that the house guests (in this case embryos) want to nestle in and stay for a while. Actually it's the opposite of having house guests. You only want house guests to stay for a short while so you don't want the bed to be too comfy. Anyone who has had an extended visit from the in-laws will know what I'm talking about. I've gone slightly off topic haven't I?

In this case I want the embryo we implant to get so comfy that he or she stays and grows into a cuddly squishy baby. So I'm making the ultimate guest bed with lots of pillows and a soft fluffy duvet to snuggle in. The kind of bed that you want to lie in all day and not get out. A triple stripe guest bed.

I got another update on our egg donor and she's got lots of follicles so that's good news too. The nurse is happy with how we are both progressing. 

In the meantime I am continuing my del Estrogen shots until instructed to start my progesterone shots. The nurse says I will start doing the new jabs right around egg retrieval. From all I've heard, these are the not so fun ones. They sting and can leave welts if you don't massage after the injection. So I'm not looking forward to that part!

The hormones are continuing to make me very emotional. The hubby keeps making jokes about needing to schedule some more business trips. Ha ha, he is such a comedian!

I am still trying my best to not get snappy with him and I thought I was doing a really good job. That was until he asked me how much longer I was going to be doing the shots. At which point I got all teary and paranoid that I'm being a total bitch. I'm thinking that was not the answer he was looking for. You gotta love hormones, right?

Friday, 22 July 2011

Guest Post Swap

Today I'm taking a break from my normal blogging to participate in something much more light hearted and fun. The lovely ladies over at BritMums have put together a guest post swap and I decided to take part. They have matched me with Erin from American Mom in England. So today she will be blogging here, and I will be blogging over there.

Hello, all! I’m Erin from American Mom in England and I’m going to sharing some of my experiences as an expat with you today.

Both Finding My New Normal and I signed up for a blog post swap through BritMums and amazingly we were matched up. I’m still slightly in shock that two Americans managed to be paired together. Needless to say as I share my experience living in England with you all here, Finding My New Normal will be sharing some of hers over on my blog.

I know the title of this blog wasn’t designed to apply to expat life, but in so many ways it does.

I’m American, my husband is British and our son is both. We met in the US. We got married in the US. We had our son in the US. Then when he was six months old we brought him over to England for Christmas to meet his British relatives. My husband who is a college lecturer applied for a couple of jobs while we were here for the holidays. He got one of them and shortly after the New Year I found myself flying back with just my son for company.

Next begin the UK spousal visa process and tying up loose ends. On March 28, 2007 we arrived back in the UK as residents. Initially it was a rather steep learning curve. We stayed with my husband’s parents while we searched for a house to buy. I met the local health visitor and a couple of other local Mums, but the differences were just too much to handle. Relatively new baby and new country did not mix well. I suspect it would have been different if the boy had been born over here, but I’ll never really know.

On May 13, 2007 the boy and I flew back to the US to stay with my parents. Although we had found a house to buy in the UK, the chain of buyers and sellers was hung up and not moving. I was having a very hard time coping and flying ‘home’ to Oregon seemed like the best option. The year that followed was rough. Hubby visited us as often as he could, but it’s not the same. My parents loved having us stay with them, but after awhile that started to become difficult as well. Sometime during the next couple of months we made the decision not to buy the little house we’d been waiting on.

Almost one year after we left the UK we arrived back again ready to have a second attempt at life on this side of the Atlantic. While staying with Hubby’s parents from May until we finally found a house to rent in October wasn’t easy, it was okay. We were all together and that was the most important thing. Thankfully we stuck it out and I’ve gradually found my footing here. I learned how to get around and where to buy this or that. I helped run a Netmums meetups group for local Mums. I began to feel a little more at ease.

About the time we moved into the little terraced house we rented, the property market in the UK began its downward spiral. In some ways we are very lucky we didn’t buy the little house we’d originally had our eye on. We eventually found a rather spacious 4 bedroom semi-detached house that’s now our home. I think we’re much happier having an office, a music room, a guest bedroom and a huge back garden (backyard) than we would have been in the other little house.

I gradually learned what normal was with regards to children in the UK. Nursery or Pre-School at 3, all day Reception class at 4, Year one at 5. In many ways this knowledge only illustrated how my little one is not like the typical British child. He’s just finished his year in Reception and he reads 4 to 5 years above his age. He’s on the gifted and talented register for reading/phonics, mathematics (I still can’t call it Maths without cringing) and his artwork. We’ve raised a capable independent little 5 year-old, which makes me proud as a parent who struggled living in this country when he was young.

This past year our life changed a bit more. We’ve lived here long enough that I was finally able to go to university here and pay the (much lower) home student fees. Last October I began studying Chemical Engineering at the University of Birmingham. I think being a student again at this stage in my life would be a little difficult in either country. I know my course mates had a hard time accepting that a) I had a husband and a little boy and b) that I wasn’t their age. I suppose though, that at 18 I would have had a hard time relating to someone 11 years older than me too.

Anyways, if you ever have the chance to live abroad take it! (As long as you don’t have a child less than a year old – which makes it very, very challenging.) I’ve discovered things about myself that I never would have learned had we stayed in the US. Even though we tentatively plan on returning stateside once our son finishes primary school, part of me is beginning to believe that we’ll be too settled here by then to pick up and leave.

If you’d like to read about more of my life as an American Mom in England feel free to stop by my blog. (It’s where you’ll find Finding My New Normal’s expat story!) You can also contact me on twitter: @silentbeauty! I hope you all have a lovely Friday!

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Our First Donor Update

Today I got the first update on how our donor is doing. According to the clinic she is doing well and we are all on track. She will have another scan on Friday so we will get another update then. I have a scan on Friday as well so hopefully both updates will be good ones.

Once I finished reading the email I was hit with this overwhelming wave of emotion. I've been doing my best to compartmentalize what we're doing.

I've been taking things in small steps.
  1. First I inject with lupron. 
  2. Then I have a scan. 
  3. Scan is good. 
  4. I start injecting with del estrogen. 
  5. I have my next scan.
Thinking about the task at hand. Avoiding thinking about the big picture. But today it all hit me. This is getting very real.

The hubby is trying to remind me that we need to take it step by step. We are sharing our donor and so there is always a chance that the cycle could be cancelled if there aren't enough eggs to go around. He is doing his best to keep me calm and not get ahead of myself.

But I can't help it. Blame it on the hormones rushing through my body, or blame it on optimism,,, but I'm starting to think that this cycle will go ahead as planned. And it's all a bit overwhelming.

It's also amazing to think that there is a woman who lives in a different country than I do. A woman who has never met me. A woman who is willing to inject herself with hormones, and do scans, and have an egg retrieval. A woman who is doing all of this so that a stranger can have a baby.

There is a woman who went in for a scan today in order to donate her eggs to me. I know I will never meet her, but to me she is an angel. What an amazing gift that she is willing to offer.

All for a stranger.

That's all for now. I will post more as it happens.

Monday, 18 July 2011

A Love Letter To My Best Friend

My advice to you,,, make sure you marry your best friend. That's what I did 13 years ago today, and it's the best thing I've ever done.

Over the past year life has been flipped upside down, turned inside out, and pretty much ripped to shreds. Losing my firstborn son at 36 weeks is by far the most devastating thing I've ever had to endure. I know for a fact that there's no way I could have made it through without my amazing hubby. There's no way.

He's been my rock, the voice of reason, and my lifeline this past year. 

We've navigated our way through grief together. Hand in hand. Sometimes I fall and he picks me back up, and sometimes he falls and it's my turn to pick him up. Perfect partners making our way through the minefield. Making it all up as we go along. Figuring out our own path.

It hasn't been easy. There's been lots of tears and lots of hugs. We've supported each other when various family members have been unkind. We've supported each other through some very difficult milestones. Each step along the way has been difficult and often painful. But the love and support I feel from him makes them all possible. I'm so lucky to have him.

We went out on Saturday night to celebrate our anniversary as this is his first day back to work after our amazing holiday in Spain. I just realized that I have forgotten to buy him an anniversary card. So I decided to write this love letter to him here instead. I hope it will do.

Happy Anniversary, I love you more than words can say.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Cycling On: Hormones-a-Raging

11 injections down, 7 injections to go!!! Well it's really more than 7, but my current schedule only goes until transfer day. Transfer day! Wow, I can't believe I'm over halfway there!!

It seemed like such an abstract concept, but now it's two weeks away and no longer abstract. It's quickly becoming a reality.

I've got another scan next week to make sure all is going as it should. So remind me to shave my legs for my appointment with the "internal" ultrasound machine. I've seen others give it cute little nick names like Mr. Wandy or dildo cam. What do you call it?? I'd love to know. Post your nick name in the comments and if I like one then I'll start using it. Otherwise I'll just be boring and refer to it by it's medical name.

I am definitely starting to feel the effects of the hormones. I am moody and quick to anger and/or tears,,,, or both if the mood strikes me. The hubby will ask me something simple and I almost bite his head off.

He's been doing a good job at trying to find the humor in it all. He's been making all sorts of jokes about me and my hormones,,,, but not when I'm actually in mood of course,,, he's not that stupid. Mostly they make me laugh, and at times like these it's important to be able to laugh, especially at myself when I'm acting crazy.

I've been trying very hard to maintain awareness of when I'm being a moody bitch and bite my tongue. It's not been easy, but I'm trying really hard. I am trying really hard not to take it out on the hubby. After all, it's not his fault that the hormones are making me feel this way.
  • It's not his fault that he's the closest one to me when my mood swings. 
  • It's not his fault that it's not socially acceptable to smack total strangers when they stop right in front of me. 
  • It's not his fault that any little thing can make me want to cry. 
  • It's not his fault that I can't find my keys.
  • It's not his fault that I burnt the toast.
  • It's not his fault that I've just got all light headed.
  • It's not his fault that I'm having a hot flash.
  • It's not his fault that everyone else in the room is an idiot.
  • It's not his fault that people let their kids run all over the grocery store like wild animals and one of them just ran over my foot with their shopping trolley.
  • It's not his fault.
So I'm doing my best not to take it out on him. Sometimes with more success than others.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011


Eleven months since you were born silently into this world. At times I can't believe it's been that long already. At other times it feels like it's been eleven years.

I am filled with mixed emotions today. I am sitting in a lovely hotel in Spain. We have spent the week sleeping late, laying by the pool, getting tan, drinking wine, and taking naps. Oh, and I've also been injecting myself with IVF drugs in preparation for our upcoming transfer.

It feels odd sometimes, planning and trying for a new baby while still missing you so much. I know that no baby will ever replace you,,,, my firstborn son. Yet the desire for a living baby makes my arms ache with longing. My heart is breaking for you and at the same time it is filling up with hope that perhaps we can create a baby brother or sister that we can take home and that you can watch over from above.

Your Daddy misses you too. He even posted about you today on his facebook page. It's funny how in synch we are. I was just thinking last night about how much I was missing you and I woke up this morning to find he had already posted the same thing. I am lucky to have him you know. If you had to leave me, at least I still have him.

Eleven months without you. In a month it will have been one whole year.

I often wonder how I've made it this far.
Made it this far without collapsing and refusing to go on.
Made it this far without shutting the door to the world and refusing to open it.
Made it this far.

I don't know,,, but somehow I've done it.

Even when I didn't think I could.
Even when I didn't want to.

I've made it this far.

And I can go on.
I can open the door to the world each day.

Because I guess I'm stronger than I thought.

But I still miss you.

Pouring my heart out with Shell at

Saturday, 9 July 2011

On Holiday

I am on holiday in Spain. It's a much needed break both for the hubby and myself. He's been super busy at work and I've been super busy getting us moved into our new place. So really the timing is perfect.

I still have to do all my injections while I'm here. In fact I've got one to do tonight. Got lots of Spanish wine at the ready! Speaking of injections, I had no issue getting my meds and syringes onto the plane. I was worried that I would be hassled, but it was no problem.

I may not post much while I'm here. And I'm on the hubby's laptop which for some reason won't let me comment on any blogs..... strange. But anyway if you don't see me here or hear from me on your blogs that's why.

Have a great week everyone!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Off We Go

This cycle is off and running! My first scan and blood work were done today. I have to say it's a bit icky to have an "internal" scan during your period. It's not the nicest experience and I would imagine it's even worse the poor nurse who has to do it.

Ok, gross,,, TMI,,, sorry about that. I try not to be flippant when talking about the yucky stuff but it becomes so normal I sometimes forget that it may gross some people out.

Anyway, the scan went well. My lining is nice and thin just like they want it to be. My hormone levels are all good too. So I'm officially off the lupron and on the del estrogen.

I just finished my first "in the muscle" injection and I am indeed getting braver. I didn't hesitate at all, I just jabbed that needle right in. It may have helped that I just got back from a leaving party for a friend who is moving to the US and had a few glasses of wine. But I'm taking the credit that I didn't hover over my leg for 20 minutes before literally taking the plunge.

It did hurt more than I remember from the mock cycle. Perhaps I hit a more sensitive spot, or perhaps it's just bad luck. But either way it's done!!

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

A Brief Cycle Update

Well I'm one week into my donor egg cycle and figured I'd give you all an update.

I don't think it's hit me yet. I mean I'm off the birth control pills and I'm injecting myself everyday,,, but I don't think it's really sinking in.

What we're doing here.

The hugeness of it all.

We're going to be making a baby with a donor egg and my husband's sperm. That embryo will be implanted into me where it will hopefully grow into a living breathing baby. One that we get to take home with us in a car seat.

It's huge, right?

But so far I am feeling like my normal self but with a schedule of injections and scans.

My first scan is tomorrow morning. If all goes well then I will be told to stop injecting the lupron and start injecting the Del estrogen. I am not super excited about that because that one has to be injected into the muscle which is much more scary than the ones that go into your tummy. But I've been doing jabs all week and it hasn't been too scary. So maybe this time around the muscle ones will be easier?

Even better, I will be doing them at night which means I can have wine for assistance!!! I had to do the lupron in the mornings so no wine. As much as I do love a good bottle glass of wine, even I couldn't figure out a way to justify a glass of wine at 8:30 every morning. But 8:30 at night,,,, well that's not an issue!!!

Perhaps I was expecting to be more nervous? Perhaps I was expecting to feel more hormonal? Or perhaps it's just early in the cycle and all the hormones haven't kicked in yet. Only time will tell.

On a lighter note..... Vacation prep update. You know you all do it!
Yes, even in the midst of grieving or getting ready for an IVF cycle I'm still just a little bit vain. Every trip requires a bit of prep, especially if said trip includes me in a bathing suit.

So here's where I'm at with that. I've been tanning, gotten a pedicure, and had a bikini wax.

So I'm just a cute new outfit or two away from being ready for Spain!!

3 more days!!

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Traveling With Needles

I woke up feeling achy today. Like that feeling you get when you have a fever. I think it may be the lupron finally kicking in. Still no crazy to speak of,,,, but the hubby is home now so he may have a different opinion on that : ) .

Speaking of the hubby, he's back from his whirlwind series of business trips. Yay!! Even better, he is on vacation for the next two weeks! That's right boys and girls, I said two weeks. One of the things we love the most about living here in England is that taking two weeks off is considered pretty standard. Employers do not "frown upon" it as most people do it. It's normal here. I'm sure all my fellow Americans will be able to relate to how awesome this is since back in the US you get one week and that's it. If you want to take two together you usually have to have a really good reason and get special approval.

I'm not sure the hubby has kicked into "vacation mode" just yet. He didn't get home until yesterday afternoon and even this morning he still seems quiet and a bit on edge. But I give it another day or two and then I will have my happy, smiley, vacation hubby! I really like that guy!!

We will be staying here for a few days so the hubby can get into full vacation mode and then we're off to Spain! Woo Hoo!! I am soooooo looking forward to it. This will not be our usual sightseeing and tours kind of holiday though. We've booked a place where we can sleep late, lay by the pool, and get spa treatments. This is definitely a lazy holiday. Just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, I must remember to bring my prescription that says I can travel with needles and medications. That's right,,,, in addition to all the relaxing and massages I still have to inject myself. I don't get a vacation from IVF. But no complaints, I think a relaxing week away will put me in the right frame of mind for the embryo transfer. Plus I will be doing my injections in the comfort of a 5-star resort in Spain!

*I just re-read and noticed that I used the terms vacation and holiday interchangeably. Hilarious!! One of the side effects of having lived here in the UK for almost six years is that I often mix up UK and US terminology. I have gotten to the point where I forget which is which sometimes. I'm sure my fellow expats can relate to this!

Friday, 1 July 2011

Waiting For The Crazy

Today I did my second injection and I'm waiting for the crazy to kick in.

I have heard all about how crazy the hormones you have to inject during any IVF cycle can make you. I've heard especially bad things about lupron which is what I'm currently injecting into my not-so-flat tummy. Actually, having a bit of extra "fluff" on my tummy makes it much easier to squeeze and jab. So yay for not being skinny!

I'm now wondering when it will come. The crazy I mean.
  • Perhaps it's waiting until the hubby gets home tomorrow morning from his business trip? 
  • Perhaps it's waiting until I chat with my parents on Skype on Sunday? 
  • Perhaps it's waiting until the 4th of July party we're attending this weekend? 
  • Perhaps it's waiting until my bikini wax next Tuesday?
  • Perhaps it's waiting until we get to the airport next Friday? Ooh, airports are good places to bring out the crazy. 
  • Or perhaps it will spring out at me when I'm least expecting it?

Or maybe it's already here and I just haven't noticed it yet. The hubby is away and I've been so busy running errands the past 2 days that I haven't seen any of my friends either. So perhaps the crazy is here but there's no one around to tell me. If that's the case than that's OK. Ignorance is bliss!

*Disclaimer- When I say crazy I'm referring to the hormonal mess that people become when they inject mass quantities of hormones into themselves in order to try and have a baby. I am not speaking about anyone with an actual mental illness and do not mean it in a derogatory way. If I have offended anyone with the use of the word crazy, I apologize profusely and blame the hormones!