Sunday, 31 July 2011

Happy... Sad... Scared

These three words describe how the hubby and I are both feeling right now.

We got our fertilization report yesterday. Out of the 8 eggs that we were got from our donor (we did a shared cycle), 5 fertilized. Now I'm a total IVF rookie so I don't know if this is a good number or a bad one, but we are both feeling positive about it. We booked our SUPER EXPENSIVE last-minute flights to Washington DC in preparation for our transfer which is set for Wednesday.

It's so odd to know the exact moment of fertilization, when you get pregnant on your own or via IUI (which is what we did last time) you don't know that exact moment. But with IVF you do. That moment when the possibility of a new life begins. One cell that has divided into two with all the possibilities attached to it. Two cells that we hope divide into four, and so on and so on. Two cells that could perhaps grow into a healthy baby boy or girl that we could take home and welcome into our family. So much hope attached to those two cells. It's actually quite amazing when you think about it.

In the midst of all the hormone injections and fertilization reports we are also approaching a very difficult milestone. On the 13th of August it will be exactly one year since our son was born still. I struggle with what to call it. Is it his birthday? Technically yes because he was born on that day. But he died sometime before that so he wasn't alive to be born. Is it his angelversary? I suppose it's a more descriptive term but again I have a few issues with that term. I don't know what to call it, and it doesn't really matter I suppose. It is the day he was born and it will be a difficult one for the hubby and me.

Yesterday the hubby had a sad moment. I think he's been holding it all in, trying to be strong for me. But yesterday it all came out. He feels like we are replacing our son with this new potential baby. He doesn't want to replace him. He worries that with all this focus on our donor egg IVF cycle we have somehow forgotten about him. He reminded me that a year ago our son was still alive. I had a doctors appointment where we heard his heartbeat. That's the last minute I know for sure that he was still alive.

It is sometime in these next two weeks that he died and I didn't notice. "They could have still saved him then," the hubby kept saying, "He was still alive and they could have saved him." If only playing the what-if game worked. If only I could go back in time and be more vigilant, perhaps they could have.

We had a good cuddle and a cry over it all. I think we both really needed one. Especially him. I think it's so much harder for men to allow themselves to go there. To put down their walls and just feel. I love that the hubby knows that he doesn't always have to be strong for me. That sometimes I can be strong for him.

We really want those five little embryos to continue to divide and grow. We really want to be able to implant one or two of them and have it grow into a healthy, happy, living baby. But we are also scared shitless. What if we have another loss? Will we be able to handle it? How on earth are we going to be able to get through another pregnancy without losing our minds with worry? It's a huge leap of faith,,, one that we are willing to take,,,, but we're still really scared.


  1. Riding the waves of all of those emotions with you, especially in August. Big month for so many of us.
    Love to you.

  2. I'm sorry it's such an unsettling time for you right now! I hope everything works out perfectly.

  3. I suffer infertility issues - going for my third cycle next year. I cannot imagine how you feel right now after you loss. My friend had a similar experience years ago and she celebrates the birth/death every year - very simply, with cakes and close friends. I think its lovely. She never gets sad about her now, she says she was lucky to meet her and believes she will see her again when fate allows it. I think its a lovely thought. I feel the same about my brother and father, who I lost 2004-2005.

    I wish you all the luck in the world for your fertility treatment. And for a healthy pregnancy, and for a healthy child.

    Shah. X

  4. Happy -- Transfer on Wednesday!!! Yay!!! That's great news. We are just one day apart on this journey! I've got my beta scheduled for August 12th -- does that mean yours will be on the 13th? What a heartwrenchingly bittersweet day.

    Sad -- I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and I hate that you still carry guilt for it. I totally get it, I just hate that you are hurting. I do think that August 13th is his birthday, as he was born that day, still or otherwise. Have you and Hubby considered doing something (lighting a candle, planting a tree, etc.) to commemorate that day? It will forever be etched into your memory. It just seems nice to do a little something to recognize that, for you and Hubby more than anything else.

    Scared -- I totally get that fear. My second pregnancy I was paralyzed with it, and spent the entire 10 weeks I had my little one with me petrified about losing him/her. I am going to try my very, very best not to think that way this time (if it works), but I think that anytime you have experienced loss, you lose that naivete and become all to aware of what can go wrong. Statistics don't help -- you know exactly what it feels like to be part of that tiny minority, and its terrifying. I don't have any answers, but I'm here to hold your hand if you need it.

    Wishing you all the luck in the world on Wednesday, and I can't wait to hear that your IVF has worked.

    Much love,

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  6. Sending lots of prayers to you and your husband. Good luck with the transfer!

  7. I know those conflicting emotions must be overwhelming at times. I also understand your husband's fears about moving forward, and the sense of disloyalty. I always remind myself that our first daughter put us on this path to parenthood, and all the joy we felt before the sorrow, and the desire to become parents again, those were all because of her. We could never leave her behind because she's the reason for everything.

  8. I will keep you in my heart and Prayers! Much happiness to your and your husband! Hope your Sunday is happy!

  9. So get what you are talking about being an IVF alum. I so hope you transfer goes well and that you have success. I know you've been through so much. I think you should do something on the 13th. Do what feels right. I am also glad that your husband shared some of his feelings. Thinking of you all this week and hoping all goes right for you both. Hugs.

  10. You guys have so many important things coming up. I'm glad your husband was able to let some emotions out. They keep them bottled so much longer than we do. Whenever my husbands starts showing some sad signs I know we are in for it! You guys are a great team.

  11. so much mixed emotions. I can only imagine.
    thinking of you and praying for those 5 embryos, a smooth transfer, and a BFP. I am thinking of your baby boy as you approach this milestone

  12. Praying for you... I also went through a similar hard time, a year ago today, and this time of year will always be incredibly difficult for me. I will be praying for you and your husband as you go through these next few weeks, and especially on the 13th... Sending love and prayers your way!

  13. I have not had to go through any of this, but I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with the two of you, your little boy, and this new adventure on which you are about to embark because it cannot be easy!

  14. You summed it all up in a nutshell.

    I feel so sorry for your husband. And for you, too, but to carry around that burden... There wasn't anything that anyone could have done. When a baby goes into distress it happens so fast. Even if you had been in a hospital, with all the staff right there, there just isn't time. No baby will ever replace the one that you lost, anymore than having a sibling replaces a child you have :) I have three and I'm not working on a replacement, and either are you.

    The number of embryos sounds great to me, especially with donor eggs. I'm so excited for you guys!

    I was scared shi.tless with our FET after miscarriage. I was scared so much I didn't enjoy my pregnancy...every ultrasound scared me. Try and relax and enjoy yourself, just a little, you owe it to yourself after working so hard.

  15. So many tears. Thinking of you and your husband as you traverse the next few weeks and remembering your little boy with you~

  16. Wow. What a whirlwind your life is right now. To be mourning and yet excited about the chance of new life.
    I hope your babyversary passes with little pain. You are both allowed to feel sadness, but I just hope it isn't too hard on you.
    I also hope that the embryo's continue to grow strong giving you guys the best possible opportunity.

  17. You are taking great care of each other. I think just recognizing you are not trying to replace your son counts for a lot. Of course you never could and just being aware makes it all the more concrete.

    I just refer to the date as the day I was able to meet Mannie face to face. It is difficult to tag it. The only thing harder is when you have to answer over and over and over "is this your first?" It is a complex world that thankfully very few understand.

    5 is a fantastic number. Chickenpig was right on - especially with the embryos being DE. I am cheering your continued success with the fert report.

    Have a safe trip to DC. Ticket for 3 or 4 on the way home!!

  18. Wish you all the very best for IVF. Your baby son will know and will understand your yearning. I think he will be very happy for his mom and pop. You will have another baby but that's a way he can also come back to your loving arms and the journey which paused last August will continue. Thinking of you and much love to you and your baby son.

  19. I can't even begin to understand the multitude of feelings y'all are going through right now. I hope everything goes well with the IVF.

  20. The really weird thing about children is they can never be replaced, overshadowed or forgotten. Your son may not be visible buy he's still with you.
    I worried after having my first child that I would never be able to love another child as much.
    The wonderful thing I learned is that each child brings its own love - its a real miracle. Your next child will be different from your first, bring it's own love and be part of the family of 3 you already have x

  21. as an IVF veteran, your numbers are great. <3

    as far as the anniversary date, well, as Roccie said, it's the day you met him face to face. it will always be a heartwrenching day, but as several friends of mine who have dealt with still birth tell me, 7 years is the magic number. after 7 years your heart lets go a little bit and you're not as broken by it. He will ALWAYS live on in your heart and those who know you. <3

  22. Please don't blame yourself.

    I'm following now.