Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Eleven

Eleven months since you were born silently into this world. At times I can't believe it's been that long already. At other times it feels like it's been eleven years.

I am filled with mixed emotions today. I am sitting in a lovely hotel in Spain. We have spent the week sleeping late, laying by the pool, getting tan, drinking wine, and taking naps. Oh, and I've also been injecting myself with IVF drugs in preparation for our upcoming transfer.

It feels odd sometimes, planning and trying for a new baby while still missing you so much. I know that no baby will ever replace you,,,, my firstborn son. Yet the desire for a living baby makes my arms ache with longing. My heart is breaking for you and at the same time it is filling up with hope that perhaps we can create a baby brother or sister that we can take home and that you can watch over from above.

Your Daddy misses you too. He even posted about you today on his facebook page. It's funny how in synch we are. I was just thinking last night about how much I was missing you and I woke up this morning to find he had already posted the same thing. I am lucky to have him you know. If you had to leave me, at least I still have him.

Eleven months without you. In a month it will have been one whole year.

I often wonder how I've made it this far.
Made it this far without collapsing and refusing to go on.
Made it this far without shutting the door to the world and refusing to open it.
Made it this far.

I don't know,,, but somehow I've done it.

Even when I didn't think I could.
Even when I didn't want to.

I've made it this far.

And I can go on.
I can open the door to the world each day.

Because I guess I'm stronger than I thought.

But I still miss you.

Pouring my heart out with Shell at http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/2011/07/pour-your-heart-out-putting-on-our.html

23 comments:

  1. It's amazing how time seems to drag and whizz by at the same time.
    Great that you've got such wonderful support from your man, so important x

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  2. Hope your holiday has brought you some peace. It is strange to be in a position of moving forward, when so much of me still wishes more than anything I could just go back and fix everything. But yeah, we do what we have to do to keep going--even when it feels impossible.

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  3. Thinking of you and your little boy on this 11 month mark. I love when you said "If you had to leave me, at least I still have him". Thank goodness for the men in our lives. I hope today is easy on you and your husband.

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  4. I'm so sorry for your pain but am glad to hear you have a wonderful husband to share your days. I will keep you in my thoughts as you heal and hope your longing for a little one is fulfilled soon.

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  5. *hugs* I am sending lots of prayers your way.

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  6. No baby will ever replace the one you lost, but I wish with everything crossed that this cycle brings a baby home to you.

    You and your husband are in my thoughts.

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  7. You are so strong! *hugs*

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  8. Thinking of you and your baby boy tonight...

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  9. This is so sad, and I'm sorry for your pain.

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  10. Found you through a fellow BLM blog. Coming up on one year has to be so incredibly difficult. I am not as far on my grief journey, but I do understand how the heart can break yet fill with hope at the same time.

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  11. Holding you in my heart tonight.
    xo

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  12. Every day is difficult but upcoming anniversaries and birthdays are extra hard.

    You are stronger than you know...your beautiful baby will always be in your heart.

    Sending a hug,
    Diana x

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  13. Thinking of you and your baby boy

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  14. Deleted a bunch of crap I said. What can be said about anniversaries? Some are harder than others. I feared the big round ones like One Year, but honestly just another Tuesday could suck w a fierce power. No way to rank and score these things, just keep plowing through them as you are.

    You can be powerful and sad at the same time.

    Well done Momma.

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  15. Sorry you're feeling so sad. Anniversary dates are so hard. Lots of extra hugs to you...

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  16. Hi. First time reader thanks to FYBF. Just wanted to say your post was heartbreaking, yet hopeful. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling and won't try. I did struggle with infertility. Once we finally fell pregnant through IVF, I waited the usual first trimester before announcing. That day, a girlfriend who was 6 months pregnant also through IVF, shared my joy. Later that very day, she lost her unborn child. It was an unimaginable shock for her but also an eye-opener and very scary for someone newly pregnant. Babies are a miracle and we can never take these lives for granted. Obviously nothing will replace your beautiful boy but I truly wish you all the best as you try again.

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  17. I feel your loss, all the way to norway actually... Sending you love and thinking about you

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  18. I read your post with tears streaming down my face - I fear the upcoming anniversaries more than anything right now. Not knowing whether to just schedule nothing around that time or not. I got an invite to an event today that will be the weekend of the twins birth, and I was in tears.

    I am in awe of your strength. The one thing that has struck me is that it is possible...maybe even important...to recognize that experiencing joy of another child does not diminish sadness over the loss of a child - they are independent things.

    I'm way behind and catching up on blogs - but reading them in order, so I can't wait to see how things are going with your cycle. Good luck!

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  19. I am amazed by your courage & strength each month. Thank you for linking to Post Of The Month Club :) XOLaura

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