We are still working out exactly how we want to honor our son's first birthday which is quickly approaching. I can't believe it's almost August 13th again.
I've been putting it off because thinking about it is so terribly painful. In a way I suppose I have been focusing a bit more on our IVF cycle than on my grief. It is easier to think about the future and all it's possibilities than the devastation that happened to us almost a year ago. As I wrote about here, the hubby is worried that we are somehow trying to replace him or that we will forget about him. But I have not forgotten, I am incapable of forgetting.
We have been very private in our grief so a big party is not for us. Plus the family lives in the US and we live in the UK so there's no way to get everyone together even if we wanted to. I think what we will end up doing is lighting a candle and releasing a balloon. Just the two of us.
I'm also toying with the idea of inviting my family and close friends to join in. Not with us in our back garden, but inviting them to release their own balloons. We did not have a memorial service or funeral for our son. It was too much for us. We had a private blessing and released his ashes on our own. It was what we needed at the time but I sometimes feel like we didn't give the rest of the family a way to pay their respects.
So I was thinking that if I let them know what we were doing then they could release their own balloons if they wanted. Or not if they don't.
I was even thinking they could take photos of their balloons and send them to me. Again, only if they wanted to. I could keep all the photos with the other mementos we have of him. That I may someday transfer to a memory book, but for now are all in a filing box. The hubby is a bit unsure about all this, but I'm leaning towards it.
So my lovely readers, what do you think of my idea to allow family and friends to join in?
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I think its a lovely idea, and you have friends you haven't met, like me. I would love to release a balloon and take a photo for my blog and I am soon a lot of us would like to do that for you and your darling boy.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of inviting your family and friends to join in. A loss like yours can affect your entire support network and letting them know they are welcome to join in your remembrance of you son give them permission to talk, to grieve, to remember too. They will be taking cues from you, not wanting to upset you, so I think your idea is brilliant.
ReplyDeleteWe had a balloon release for our son's first birthday and have done it every year since. It's a lovely idea. On his first we invited everyone who came to mean a lot to us, through his death to write something on paper. We tied the messages to the balloons and sent them into tthe sky. We also had a party. Instead of gifts though we asked everyone to bring a Teddy bear to donate to the Teddy love club, which is a charity that donates bears to hospitals so baby lost parents don't have to walk away with empty arms. I felt really strange about it but it turned out really well. It wasn't a sad day, just time with friends and family who had helped us through that first year, a nice meal and we did something good for other people who were going through what we had.
ReplyDeleteWe released a balloon to Anabelle on her birthday. We bought a special posy for her garden and decorated the outside of our house for her.
ReplyDeletehttp://cazandbelle.blogspot.com/2011/06/happy-1st-birthday-belle.html
It was a strangely peaceful, almost celebratory day because I was determined to make her birthday happy for her, even if she wasn't here. The year hit me much much harder a week later on the anniversary of her funeral.
Your balloon ideas sounds beautiful. Wishing you lots of peace over the next couple of weeks. You have so much going on all at once xxx
I think it is lovely. We didn't really let our family in and for the most part, our family had been a brilliant support. We ran away instead. Took off for a few days for some time in the sunshine. Some place new, some place warm, some place that wasn't home. Our family all decided to gather at her grave for us at the exact time she was born, and that did bring me great comfort, but also made me feel horribly guilty that we'd been so selfish in our grief. For us though, it was the right thing to do. We did the same the following year, only didn't travel as far. And this year, well we really don't know given I'm due to give birth again within a week of her birthday.
ReplyDeleteYour idea sounds lovely though, and I do hope it brings you a sliver of peace. The first birthday is so very, very hard.
xo
Such a personal situation & i simply can't say i know anyone celebrating or remembering a loss in such a way. I think your heart will tell you what to do, ensure you listen to husband's feelings, i often find my husband (a tough soldier) is softer than me & really likes to know his opinion matters too. Wishing you well, your friends & family will let you know how they feel or just come to support you, no matter how they feel, but don't be angry if any feel uncomfortable, they may not understand. It's certainly a softly softly situation, love Posie
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that whatever you do, you little boy will love it.
ReplyDeleteGo for it - this is a wonderful idea! Or perhaps you could let those close to you chose their own way of commemorating your son? Whatever you decide to do will be wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds beautiful :) You could also plant a tree, that is always nice. That way whatever siblings you have, they could play beneath the tree as it grows.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you.
I think it's a beautiful idea. I think you'll be surprised at the number of people who want to participate and remember your sweet boy on his first birthday.
ReplyDeleteI love your idea, and agree with Kylie that you might be surprised at the others who will remember your son along with you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Jo
I think your idea is lovely.Whatever you decide has to feel right for you both. x
ReplyDeleteI love that idea, and want to do something similar with a candle lighting since our anniversary will be in December. My husband and I have also felt the need to be very private in our grief, but I want to send out some sort of acknowledgment of Eliza and of the support we've received over the past year.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE LOVE LOVE your idea of having friends and family participate. I think it will be so meaningful to everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that this ever happened and you have to be planning anything.
Hugs...
I think it's a great idea to release balloons on his birthday and have family and friends be included. The photographs would be a wonderful addition to a memory book.
ReplyDeleteWhatever works for you and your husband is what is important. I'll be thinking of you on that day.
I think he's going to love all those balloons! x
ReplyDeleteOne will be going up in Holland - thoughts are with you both
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