I had a lunch scheduled today with three friends, two who I know very well and one who I am just getting to know. It's been planned for a while now and even though I did just get the bad news yesterday that my donor egg IVF cycle was a bust, I was looking forward to it.
To help make this story make sense I'm going to give them nicknames and also give you a bit of background.
- Friend A- Is a close friend. She's been with me through my pregnancy and the death of my son. She knows all about my struggles with infertility and the fact that I was doing an IVF cycle. She knew I had my beta test yesterday but I had not told her the results yet. She is also newly pregnant and I knew but the 2 other ladies did not. I am absolutely thrilled and happy for her.
- Friend B- Is also a close friend. She met me after my son died but is well aware of my loss and my struggles with infertility. She also knew about my IVF cycle. Unlike friend A, she already knew my test results were negative because I told her a few hours after I found out. She is an infertility veteran as well. She now has two beautiful children but only after years of struggling.
- Friend C- Is new to town and we are all just getting to know her. She does not have any children. We know through a mutual friend that she has had an ongoing struggle with infertility. Apparently it is a very sensitive subject and she has never spoken with any of us about it.
Anyway, because I don't know Friend C very well I didn't want to talk about my failed IVF cycle in front of her. Partly because I know she has her own issues with fertility, but mostly because it's private and I don't share my struggles with just anyone. So conversation during this lunch was mostly small talk and chit chat. Not that there's anything wrong with that,, in fact sometimes it's nice to simply enjoy light hearted conversation.
Near the end of the meal, Friend C left the table to "powder her nose." I took this opportunity to tell Friend A about my negative pregnancy test. She expressed her sympathy and asked how I was doing and what we're going to do next. I quickly told her about our frosty and how we can try again as soon as I get my period this month. Friend C came back to the table and we changed the subject.
A few minutes later Friend A decided to share her pregnancy news with Friend B and Friend C. Of course they were happy to hear this wonderful news. They offered their congratulations and asked all the normal questions. After sharing how far along she was, when she's due, and telling us how she is definitely going to find out the sex of the baby she throws out this gem.
"Yes, well we weren't going to start trying until August, but it was our anniversary night and we'd had a bunch of wine and it just happened a bit earlier than we had planned."
Just like that, she throws out one of those flippant comments about how "oops" we got pregnant without really trying. To a table full of women who have all struggled to get and stay pregnant.
She says this to the group and to me,,,,, not 5 minutes after I just shared with her that my donor egg IVF cycle had failed. The first time I had tried after losing my son. I was in shock and felt like she punched me in the stomach and then slapped me in the face.
Is she serious? Did it not even occur to her for a second that it might not be appropriate to comment on how easy it was for her to accidentally get pregnant a few months before she was going to start trying for real? Did it not occur to her that I was only 1 day away from my own bad news? Did it not occur to her that Friend B and Friend C have both had issues with infertility? Did it not occur to her that a comment like this could really hurt our feelings?
You could justify it a little by saying that she may not be fully aware of what Friend B and Friend C have gone through. I don't actually know what she knows about their struggles. But I do know that she if fully aware of mine. She has been there for a big part of it. And yet she still makes such an insensitive stupid thing?? I would expect this type of comment from someone I don't know very well. But I would never have expected a comment like this from her. Someone who is supposedly a good friend.
I just don't get it?
What would you do?