Monday, 15 August 2011

We Survived... Thanks For Helping Us Through This

Saturday we celebrated my Son's first birthday in heaven. I want to thank all of you for your love and support through this very difficult time. Your comments and emails brought much needed light to a very dark time. I want to thank all of you who released balloons for my son. A baby you have never met.

I loved getting the photos in my inbox. I plan to publish a post with all of them very soon. I just need to figure out how to make one of those cute photo collages first.

I also want to send a special thanks to I'm So Fancy and Jane from wordgeyser who wrote posts in honor of my son. Words can't express how happy I was to find your lovely posts in my reader. Here are the  links if you want to go and check them out. They're wonderful and I highly recommend you give them both a visit and a read.

It wasn't an easy day for the hubby and I. As we were just back from a week away as part of Operation Distraction, we couldn't just sit around all day and cry. We had actual things that we needed to take care of. Including food shopping, which I smartly ordered online and had delivered, picking up prescriptions, and of course getting his balloon for the balloon release.

At first I was angry that part of his special day was taken up doing normal mundane things, but then I realized that actually it was more "normal" to have other things to do.

Time doesn't stand still for grief.
Life doesn't stand still for grief.
Even when you want it to.

It was "normal" to have to do other non-dead baby things on Saturday. Because in the year since my son died, life has gone on. We still need to have food in the house. We still need to pick up medications. We still need to get more light bulbs. We still need to do all the normal things that normal people do.

Grief is an additional layer to a normal life. At first it's a smothering layer that blocks out all light and oxygen. But as time goes on, it finds a way to incorporate itself into the other layers of your life. Six months ago I wrote about the layers of grief. I had forgotten about that post until I began to write this one. Looking back at my words, I don't think I have much to add. Except that with time it does get easier to live life while also living with grief.

Obviously his birthday will always be a tough one for us. A day when the shiny top-coat we've painted over our grief chips away and we are left raw and exposed. A day when we feel that pain again, as if it had just happened yesterday. As if we had not even begun to heal.

A day when the layer where we keep our grief again becomes exposed and is once again smothering and all consuming. This feeling is like a familiar unwelcome friend who comes to stay and refuses to leave. A feeling that lingers longer than you want it to,,, but not for as long as it did in the past.

Yes it was a tough day. But we survived, because that's who we are now,,,, survivors.


  1. It's so good to read about people who come out on the other side of one year feeling like they are on the path to healing. I know one year isn't some sudden magic fix, but it's the biggest "milestone" to pass, really. Thanks for sharing, and yes you ARE survivors. ~Lindsay

  2. My heart goes out to you. I recently found your blog and think you are a inspiration of true strength. :)

  3. You most certainly are a survivor. And I'm glad you survived this big day.

  4. sending much love and comfort xoxox

  5. It's been a privilege to have walked beside you, reading the highs and lows, willing you on. You have survived and your son will be proud to know the love you have for him. Just because he's not visible doesn't mean he isn't there.

  6. No one can ever really know another's pain, but this blog and your honest, heartfelt posts give us insight. You and your husband truly are survivors. It will never be 'easy', but may it only get a bit easier with time. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  7. Firstly, I'm so glad that I could bring a little brightness to your day. And secondly, you are so wise. x

  8. Hugs, momma. Glad to hear you both made it through ok.

  9. I am glad you were able to celebrate your time with him. It is a hard passage.