Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Beta = Not Pregnant

My 2 week wait is officially over and my beta came out negative. I can't say was surprised because I finally cracked and peed on a stick a few hours before the call came in. I figured I could live with the "false negative" the nurse scared me with for a few hours.

Alas, the phone call only confirmed what the lovely digital stick had already mocked me with. I am not pregnant.

I'm disappointed for sure. But I'm not devastated. It took us more than one IUI to get pregnant with my son and it took many years to even get that far. The hubby and I never do things the easy way. Why get something done quick and easy when there is a longer, more painful, and more costly way,,,, right?

Denial you ask? How can you possibly not be crushed at the negative result? I have to say that I don't think I'm in denial. I gave the tears a pretty good chance to come but they never arrived. The old me would have buried myself in bed for a good old cry for sure.

But the old me had never been pregnant before. The old me didn't realize that getting pregnant is only the beginning of the struggle. The beginning of the worrying. And the beginning of all the things that can go wrong.

I suppose losing a full term baby gives you a different perspective on things.

Yes, I'm disappointed. I wanted to be one of those success stories. Someone who tried egg donation and got pregnant on the first try. I'm not happy that we have to go through this all over again. I'm not happy that I've been injecting myself with hormones for nothing. Or that I spent a week in Spain and didn't get to drink any wine or eat any jamon iberico (and I really love that stuff). Going through a full IVF cycle and coming up with a negative beta is definitely a knock back.

But the knock back of a failed cycle is nowhere near the crushing blow of losing your baby at 36 weeks. I'm not negating it or brushing it off saying it's nothing. But it's nowhere near the worst thing that's happened to me this year. I've been through much worse.

Plus we have a plan already for cycle #2. The nurse told me to stop my injections and wait for my period. She said to expect it to be heavier and more uncomfortable since they worked hard to get me such a good thick lining. Ugh, I am not looking forward to that. So to prepare for this I went out to the store and bought myself a PMS kit. What is a PMS kit you ask??? Well here it is.

Everything a girl needs. Notice the Spanish wine to help make up for last week.
If I'm honest I'm sure I'll need more wine and more chocolate, but I didn't want you all to think I'm a total alcoholic! Oh, and even though the Rolo bag says love to share, I'm definitely not sharing them!

Once I get my monthly friend I can go back on the birth control pill and get ready for my frozen cycle. Don't forget, I've got a frosty waiting for me at the clinic. According to the nurse, it is another grade AA blastocyst. And the frozen cycle goes faster than a fresh one because I don't have to sync up with anyone else and we already know we've got a good embryo.

So while I'm not happy that things didn't work out the first time around, I am happy that we've already got a plan for cycle #2.

Pouring my heart out

43 comments:

  1. The drinks are on me. Was waiting all day to hear. The good news is that I think 2 bottles is completely appropriate. In fact, it's required. Got so drunk after my last failed cycle that I crawled to my hotel room. Good thing my sober surrogate got herself knocked up. Thinking of you. xx

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  2. Visiting from Things I Can't Say. I am sorry for your loss and all you are going through... thank you for sharing.

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  3. I am hoping everything works out for you! I have been following your blog for sometime and i saw your post on Shelly's blog and I want you to know I'm here for you <3

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  4. So sorry to hear the news. I was rooting for you. Drink lots and lots of wine! Best of luck with the upcoming FET!!!

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  5. Sorry to hear this cycle didn't work. I like your PMS kit. Hopeful for the next cycle, glad you have a plan.

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  6. Oh my heart just sank when I read the title of this post :( I laughed when I read the "Why get something done quick and easy when there is a longer, more painful, and more costly way,,,, right"? That is so true! Ugh!

    I love your PMS kit. I have two bottles of wine in the fridge waiting just incase, part of me is hoping they stay there, but the other part of me doesn't think it will happen yet again this month.

    You are right, getting pregnant isn't the end, it is the start of more worry. Glad you have a plan in place for cycle no. 2, but sorry you have to do this part again :(

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  7. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time, I was reallynhopeful or you.
    Love the PMS kit!

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  8. I got a BFN this month, too. And althought I was not surprised at all, it hurt worse/in a different way than the others bc of the week in which I got it--just before the 1 yr anniversary of Hayes' death. So we are in a similar boat this month (although going through the injections, IVF, etc. is much more than I have dealt with) with your hopes dashed just after your son's 1 yr anniversary. So sorrry, but let's put our hopes towards the next cycle! We're really in this one together, time wise. Thinking of you!

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  9. I'm sorry this month didn't work out. :( Thinking of you, and hoping the PMS kit brings you some happiness this weekend.

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  10. I was very hopeful that you'd be pregnant this time. Really disappointed. I told those exact words about how we like doing the things the difficult way to my husband few days ago. And I get it when you say that you tried but the tears won't come.
    Since my baby died, I look at things with a different perspective too. Nothing can devastate me further than the loss of my baby.
    I wish there will be something nice in future for you soon. You deserve it, really.

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  11. I'm so sorry it didn't work out this time, but I love your optimism about your frosty and your PMS kit. If nothing else IF teaches us how to handle the really hard stuff.

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  12. I'm sorry to hear this cycle is a non- starter. My PMS kit would have a lot more of the Spanish wine; sod the chocolate! I'll raise a glass to the 'Frosty' cycle and keep everything crossed for you

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  13. Oh I'm sorry, that sucks:( At least you have your frosty and a new plan, but I agree why can't we just get pregnant the normal less costly way like so many others.
    I love your PMS kit!

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  14. I love your frankness - We had a hard time getting pregnant and finally we did and our daughter was born prematurely and passed 2 days later - I'm sure you and I could share some sad and exhausting stories but - finding the joys in all the other things is what it's all about, isn't it...
    I've Become My Mother
    I've Become My Mother facebook

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  15. Sorry to hear things did not work out this time. But I'm glad you seem to be handling it well. It's so great that you a plan already!

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  16. Oh no...I was so hoping the first try would work. But I'm glad you seem positive. Especially about the plan for your second cycle. I will continue to pray that your frosty will stick on the next go 'round. BTW, love your PMS kit.

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  17. So sorry to read that this wasn't your cycle. Everything crossed for your frosty and cycle#2. Caz x x

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  18. I'm so sorry to hear this :( Damn, what a bust this month has turned out to be. I am glad you have what sounds like a really good blast waiting for you. I'll be reading.

    I am NOT looking forward to this post ART period at all. It is going to be Hell, and the PMS is already kicking my ass. I had to smile at your period kit, though, I've laid in my supplies too. Advil, chocolate, superduper pads and tampons, heating pad, and beer.

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  19. I am so sorry that you didn't have success on this cycle. My heart sank when I read the title of your post. I just explained you story to my hubs and he is feeling bad as well. Being an IVF'er myself I understand everything you went through and then to have the negative results must be so hard to take. Again, thinking of you and I also was thinking of you this past weekend but was away and unable to post a comment. Sending hugs and enjoy your PMS kit.

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  20. Damn what a shitty month. So sorry... hoping for bright pink lines and good beta's in the next cycle. A few women in my IF circle have told me that they never got PG in their fresh cycles.. but the FET's- those got both of them the BFP every time (three PG's total). Hoping the FET might do the trick for you as well!

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  21. Well, shit. Are NONE of us going to get PG this month? I really was hoping that this was your rainbow baby -- there was something poetic about getting a BFP right after your son's first birthday. Still, you seem positive and I am happy you have a plan moving forward. Drink up -- I know I'm gonna.

    Much love,
    Jo

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  22. Good to see you have plan 2 and are still so positive. Love your PMS Kit and unfortunately I am sure I'll be buying one at the end of the month as well. Fertility wishes for plan 2 and well wishes.

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  23. I'm so sorry this one didn't work out, but glad to hear you're handling the disappointment as well as is possible. Your PMS kit looks great and I'm pleased to hear you've got cycle 2 planned already.

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  24. I am sad to hear this. I was rooting for you. I had a BFN a few days ago too, all by myself. I love your PMS kit and your great attitude! I am right there with you: why should anything be easy?? and also re. the fact that the disappointment of a BFN cannot compare to the loss of a baby... I will look forward to hearing about the next go round.

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  25. The PMS kit is priceless. Having a plan makes the disappointment easier, for sure, but I think I would still have cried. I'm impressed with your attitude! Rooting for you for next time!

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  26. So sorry to read this as I (and obviously so many others) was rooting for you. I admire your fortitude as well as your frankness. It isn't fair, not at all. Sip the wine, let the chocolate melt in your mouth, and know that you have a huge following who are praying for you.

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  27. I love your attitude.

    I'm have a pride and prejudice (period drama) at present and think I might have to invest in a PMS kit of my own this afternoon!

    I'm glad you have plan B and we're all praying that the next time you POAS (pee on a stick) you will get the right result.

    And then we'll be here to support you through it.

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  28. I have enjoyed reading your blog and have awarded you the Versatile Blogger Award. I hope you stop by and accept this award and pass it along.
    http://theordinaryaunt.blogspot.com/2011/08/i-am-so-excited.html

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  29. I'm SO sorry! (((((hugs)))))

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  30. I'm so sorry. I was absolutely convinced you would be pregnant because somewhere in my brain, there's still someone who believes that things will work out as they should. I understand what you mean about having a different perspective now, and I think it's one of those weird gifts our babies have given us in their short lives.

    Love the PMS kit. I seriously buy one of those every month, I'd just never officially titled it before.

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  31. Sorry about the BFN.

    And I am very happy that you have a plan for the time ahead. May it be the one.

    And meanwhile, there can be wine on wine with wine. And some chocolate too.

    Take care.

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  32. I'm sorry. I can't really write too much because I'm pretty choked up over here and not quite sure about my ability to think clearly. Have you read Heaven is For Real? If not... you should read it. I think you would find the book to be a life changing experience.

    hugs - from our family of "circumstances" to yours... Kristen @ www.alittlesomethingforme.com

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  33. I'm sorry things didn't work out this time, but glad that you have a good outlook on it.

    Enjoy your chocolate and wine! Sending prayers for a positive result next time!

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  34. So sorry to hear the news. Our first cycle didn't work either, but our second did (even though I was pretty sure it was a negative too.) I wish I would of thought of treating myself with wine and chocolate after our failed cycle; instead, I cried for days and pretty much had a pity party for myself. Enjoy that wine and I wish you lots of success on your next cycle!

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  35. So sorry to hear you're not pregnant this time but pleased to hear you are staying positive and coping well. It will happen and I'm sure it will be soon. In the mean time you have wine and chocolate so it's not all bad! Lots of love.

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  36. I am so sorry. I just dont get it. That is the third DE fresh cycle I have seen result in a BFN, mine was the first. I sure hope you are doing as well as you feel in this post.

    I think it hurts like a mofo. I hope you read this and think me a bit of a puss. I would like that. You = tough. Just remember, when the resolve weakens, you can always come to us in tears so we can talk you through it, ok?

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  37. Oh no, I just saw this. I am so sorry it didn't work the first time around. My friend who was using DE also got her BFP on her FET.

    It always helps to have a plan.

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  38. Just realised I hadn't commented here. I meant to, sorry. I wanted to say I am really sorry your first cycle didn't work. I had high hopes, hoping the second goes well. Wishing you so much luck. xx and I love your PMs kit.

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  39. Late I know, but still want to say how very sorry I am. With much love.
    xo

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  40. I'm sorry that things didn't work out of your this month! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for cycle #2! There are few things that aren't made better after wine and chocolate!

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  41. What a transparent blog post. Your words are lovely, thoughtful and challenging.

    Love that you got the Spanish wines...take that, Spain!

    Thanks for linking with Happy Homemaker...

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  42. Oh, so sorry to hear of your results. What a disappointment. I think you definitely have something there with the PMS kit - maybe you could package them up and sell them?

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  43. Stopping by and wanting to say "thinking of you". That sounds generic, doesn't it? so maybe better would be to say "will be praying for you to have a good result on another day and a year coming up full of all good things... and a smiley :-)

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