Alas, the phone call only confirmed what the lovely digital stick had already mocked me with. I am not pregnant.
I'm disappointed for sure. But I'm not devastated. It took us more than one IUI to get pregnant with my son and it took many years to even get that far. The hubby and I never do things the easy way. Why get something done quick and easy when there is a longer, more painful, and more costly way,,,, right?
Denial you ask? How can you possibly not be crushed at the negative result? I have to say that I don't think I'm in denial. I gave the tears a pretty good chance to come but they never arrived. The old me would have buried myself in bed for a good old cry for sure.
But the old me had never been pregnant before. The old me didn't realize that getting pregnant is only the beginning of the struggle. The beginning of the worrying. And the beginning of all the things that can go wrong.
I suppose losing a full term baby gives you a different perspective on things.
Yes, I'm disappointed. I wanted to be one of those success stories. Someone who tried egg donation and got pregnant on the first try. I'm not happy that we have to go through this all over again. I'm not happy that I've been injecting myself with hormones for nothing. Or that I spent a week in Spain and didn't get to drink any wine or eat any jamon iberico (and I really love that stuff). Going through a full IVF cycle and coming up with a negative beta is definitely a knock back.
But the knock back of a failed cycle is nowhere near the crushing blow of losing your baby at 36 weeks. I'm not negating it or brushing it off saying it's nothing. But it's nowhere near the worst thing that's happened to me this year. I've been through much worse.
Plus we have a plan already for cycle #2. The nurse told me to stop my injections and wait for my period. She said to expect it to be heavier and more uncomfortable since they worked hard to get me such a good thick lining. Ugh, I am not looking forward to that. So to prepare for this I went out to the store and bought myself a PMS kit. What is a PMS kit you ask??? Well here it is.
|Everything a girl needs. Notice the Spanish wine to help make up for last week.|
Once I get my monthly friend I can go back on the birth control pill and get ready for my frozen cycle. Don't forget, I've got a frosty waiting for me at the clinic. According to the nurse, it is another grade AA blastocyst. And the frozen cycle goes faster than a fresh one because I don't have to sync up with anyone else and we already know we've got a good embryo.
So while I'm not happy that things didn't work out the first time around, I am happy that we've already got a plan for cycle #2.
Pouring my heart out