Tuesday, 16 November 2010

When people you love let you down.

I've had a few really good days so I should have been expecting a crash. What I didn't expect was who would trigger it. I stayed a few days with my grandmother who struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages when she was young. She was also there to support my mother when she gave birth to my brother who was stillborn. So one would think that she would be the perfect person to turn to when dealing with the loss of a child. Wrong!

We had a big family dinner to start with which was nice because it's hard to try and get to see everyone in the short time we are in town. Once everyone left I was expecting (and really hoping for) some time to chat just her and I.

To say I was upset at our conversation is a huge understatement. It was bad enough that she didn't ever ask how I was doing. It was even worse that she spent the entire night talking to me about how upset she is about her relationship with her son (my uncle). **A bit of background,,, basically they have had a falling out and are not speaking. He is married and has a 1 and a half year old daughter. As a result of the estrangement she has only seen her grandchild once.  It is a very sad situation and I am hopeful that one day they will work things out. But there is nothing I can do to fix things**

During our conversation, she cried about how much she wants to be able to spend time with him and his baby girl. She then went on to cry on and on about how special babies are and how terrible it is that she can't see this baby. On and on and on and on!!! She spent the entire evening talking about herself and how sad she is. Are you kidding me??? Does she not realize that I am sitting here dying inside because I have lost my baby. Does it not occur to her that perhaps she shouldn't be going on and on about how special babies are when she knows that I would like nothing more than to be able to be with my baby?? Does she not understand that I am grieving and really need my grandmother to be there for me??

At one point when she was talking about how badly she wants to be able to hold her baby grand-daughter I almost snapped. I was so tempted to tell her that if she really wanted to hold a baby, I had my son's ashes in an urn in the other room and she could hold him if she wanted. I just couldn't believe she could be so insensitive to my feelings. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I'm being manipulated. I know full well that she is hoping that I will share this conversation with my uncle to make him feel bad for not talking to her.

I am so angry that what should have been a wonderful few days spent with her have ended with me feeling hurt and angry. My husband thinks I should say something to her about it, but I know that I probably won't.


  1. I read your post with tears in my eyes.I have been through two miscarriages that once shattered my life and I almost lost my wish to live...and I came out of that situation.I can only tell you one thing...please don't think too much about what's lost.Think of something else you can live for...I went to Switzerland after that with my husband and I made myself busy with travel.

  2. Thank you so much Pinkali for your kind words. I am working hard to think of the things I have as opposed to what I have lost. But some days that is easier than others.

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I hate to admit, but when I read about the things people do for other BLM's I get jealous and then angry at my own people because I feel like they continuously let me down. I too wish I had the courage to say something. I wish we never had to feel this way. ~Much love

  4. Like Missy, I can't help but be a little jealous when other BLM's mention the support they got. My story is similar to yours with your grandma. Most of my family didn't mention, didn't acknowledge and in some cases, like your grandma, just rubbed salt in the wounds. On my blog I write about a huge fight I had with my aunt when she made some snide comments that I should have a baby by now...I applaud you for being calm and caring to your grandma, as sadly I know I would have lost it. HUGS!!!