That's right, 4 days until we're set to meet Frostina. We have been living in countdown mode for the past week and are pretty much driving ourselves crazy. I haven't wanted to post about this any earlier because it still feels like we're tempting fate. That somehow by writing it down we might become just a bit too smug, a bit too sure of our happy ending.
Now for most people, being smug and sure of your happy ending is just fine. That's because most people get their happy endings. They manage to go through life on the right side of the odds, skirting tragedy at every turn. They can complain about their pregnancies and say things like, "I'm so done with this pregnancy," and, "I can't wait to get this baby out of me," without fear or worry that anything real will go wrong. They can interview and hire their night nanny before their 20 week anomaly scan and consider themselves good planners and well prepared.
I am not most people though. I am the kind of person that bad things happen to. I am the 1 in 1000. I am that total fluke. I am the person that doctors say things like, "It's very rare, but it does happen," to. I am the person who really should buy lottery tickets because I seem to beat all the odds.
So even though I know that it is highly likely that Frostina will be born healthy and alive, I still cannot seem to wrap my mind around it all. Even though she kicks all the time and all her scans have been glowing, I still cannot allow myself to fully embrace the idea that we will be taking her home with us. I cannot allow myself to believe it fully, not just yet.
Which should make for an interesting first few weeks at home since we are completely unprepared for an actual baby!
I think the word to describe how I am feeling today is disbelief.
4 days to go.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I believe! I too am one of the unlucky ones, so I know exactly (well not exactly) how you feel. I'll be sending good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteCountdown time! (for us, too)
ReplyDeleteI know about the disbelief. Wishing you and Frostina well <3
I'm excited for you. Frostina will be here soon, happy and healthy and staring at you with adoring eyes. So excited for you.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by the calculated happiness. Measuring your feelings and curbing yourself when your heart tries to go overboard and just dream. It is great news though. Waiting to see your loved little one and hoping everything will be just plain 'normal' with you.
ReplyDeleteYay for 4 days! I didn't realize how mentally unprepared I was. I guess I subconsciously thought K wouldn't make it. I was in shock for days that I had a baby in my arms. And when I say shock, I mean I was literally in shock, as in I could barely react. Strange feeling. Fingers crossed for y'all!!
ReplyDeleteSoon! I know it's hard to assume, but I sure can't wait for you to feel unprepared because that will mean your dream (cheesy, yet appropriate) has finally been realized.
ReplyDeleteHopeful. Excited.
Almost. You are so close. Soon, I hope you will be holding your healthy, living baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. But you won't believe it until it happens. I didn't bring any baby clothes to the hospital because I wasn't convinced I'd have anyone to wear them. Husband had to nip to ASDA!
ReplyDeleteI was one of the lucky ones that was maybe just a bit too smug and sure.... that someone up there said.... "don't be so sure of yourself because it CAN happen to you too!" and BAM! it did!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about being unprepared. When Frostina is here.... which she will be because all of these BLM's prayers and postive vibes are being listened too. When she's here.... and your eyes finally meet.... all of the material preperation won't matter anymore.
big big hugs
Maria
x
I know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping that in a few days you are completely unprepared and loving every minute of it.
Keeping you in my heart, Sweetie...
ReplyDeleteWow! Its all woo close now! Contests and hopes that in four days you see a healthy screaming frostina! Hugs-
ReplyDeleteFelicia
The time has come for Frostina to make her appearance! I pray for a happy healthy delivery for you & baby girl. I can't wait to hear all about your sweet rainbow baby.
ReplyDeleteYay it will come so soon! I'm a new blog follower, I would love if you followed me back at http://iheartpears.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Frostina and your husband. I cannot begin to imagine the mix of emotions you must be feeling. Such strength, your family is in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think you'll believe it when she's in your arms. :) Counting it down with you..
ReplyDeleteOh 4 days how taunting you are! So close! So far! I'm so hopeful!
ReplyDeleteIt is extraordinary when it comes down to days. I got to 5 sleeps to go then the little monkey came early! Good luck :) rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteI am holding my breath along with you. Cannot wait to "meet" your beautiful baby!
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my prayers these next few days! Can't wait to see your beautiful daughter!
ReplyDeleteAm so excited and nervous for you. 3 days now...
ReplyDeleteThree days. So hopeful for you. Can't wait to "meet" Frostina.
ReplyDeleteI can hardly believe that time has come. I truly hope when you meet Frostina all your fears melt away and your embrace her wrap her up in your love. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete