As I've written about in my previous posts, I've really been all over the place emotionally since Frostina was born. At first I thought it was just normal baby blues and it would pass. Then as time went by and my feelings of overwhelming anxiety continued, I realized that maybe this wasn't something I could take care of on my own.
My first attempt to reach out didn't achieve the results I had hoped. I asked my OB (consultant) who told me that this was completely normal for someone in my situation with my history. I knew this didn't seem right so I didn't stop there. I reached out and was connected with a lovely therapist who not only has an office near me, but is willing to make house visits. Considering that Frostina is only 2 months old, a counsellor who is willing to come to me is amazingly convenient.
I had my first session with her this week and got a lot out of it. It was really nice to have someone to talk to about the jumbled up mess that is going on in my head right now. I realized that I really need to be in therapy right now. We had grief counselling after our son died and I found it amazingly helpful. We had a session with a therapist as part of our egg donation program. But since then we haven't had any kind of therapy.
In hindsight I'm not sure this was the greatest idea. We endured our entire pregnancy after a loss with no professional help. The time when you would think we would need the most support, we decided to go it on our own. I did consider it a few times, but just never got around to setting anything up. So all those fears and anxieties just built up inside me.
The result? A new Mommy who really needs therapy.
I've only had one session so far but here's what I know. I don't have post natal depression, but I do have lots of anxiety left over from my traumatic past that I need to work through. The birth of Frostina has brought back so many feelings surrounding the birth of my son. The comparisons between the pregnancies, the comparisons of the births, and the glaringly different outcomes.
Even though I have grieved my son, those feelings are still there, and having Frostina here with me just highlights how much I missed out on with him. The sleepless nights are real now, not imaginary. She has become the center of our household in a tangible way, while he was always only the center of our thoughts and dreams. He was and always will be the fantasy of a baby, his life unfulfilled, while she is the reality of a baby.
The reality of a baby. A baby who cries, and has colic, and cries some more. A baby who doesn't adapt to my idea of a schedule and won't go to sleep on demand. The reality of a baby after 2 years of dreaming about my fantasy of a baby. A fantasy baby who probably would have been very much like his sister if he had lived.
I have learned that I need to set aside my fantasies and deal with the reality of this baby. I have to allow myself to enjoy her and live in the moment. To stop trying to control everything and keep on top of all things. To not be so hard on myself. To relax more and to stress a bit less. Because she is her own little person who will exert her own will. Who will eat and sleep on her own schedule, and that's OK.
So that's what we're going to be working on in our sessions. The reality of this baby. This baby who is alive and here with us. The reality of this baby and everything that goes along with it. The fun parts and the challenging parts. The reality of this baby who we have wanted more than anything, who we love more than anything, and who has brought an amazing amount of joy and happiness to our family.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Good for you, Mama, for taking care of yourself and seeking further help when your OB brushed you off. I can't imagine for me and DH what it might feel like to have a real baby at home when we have such a hard time envisioning what life would be like now with two 8-month olds if our twins hadn't died. The real...it gives me goosebumps to think about...and then to have "real" be different from the peaceful, bucolic fantasy we like to picture, that woe be really hard! Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you found a counselor you like. I wish I had found one while pregnant, but am glad I sought help after my son was born. And how wonderful that she will come to your home! My counselor let me bring my little guy with me initially, but that is too difficult now that he so mobile.
ReplyDeleteHold tight, mama. You are doing such good work.
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post. No one knows, can even fathom really, the difference in 'fantasy baby' & 'reality baby'. For me, I never got to experience pregnancy. So when we finally got our baby, everytime he cried for what I thought was no reason, I automatically thought "He knows he didn't grow in my belly" or "he knows I'm not his real mother" even though I was/am-still, I had those feelings and sometimes they were extremely overwhelming. It wasn't until my pregnant niece moved in with us that I found out that I was 'normal'. When her baby was born, she was constantly trying to keep the baby quiet-it brought her to tears nearly everyday. I told her "You will drive yourself crazy trying to keep her from crying. Babies cry, it's how they communicate. And sometimes, they cry for no reason at all. If you know she's not hungry or has a dirty diaper-sometimes it's ok to just let her cry. As long as you can hear her crying you know she's breathing! Put her in her bassinet, close the door and let her cry for just a little bit--go take a shower, I'll listen for her." My niece cried & told me, "I don't think she likes me." And that's when it hit me. I had those same thoughts and I wasn't pregnant with my son--she has them & actually has 'that bond' with her daughter. I must be normal...lol I wish I would've had a counselor to help me. Those years of guilt I piled on myself was downright painful. My son starts kindergarten tomorrow and (I know you hear this all the time) I seriously can't fathom how fast this is all happening. Just yesterday I was holding that tiny little 2 pound 9ounce miracle and tomorrow he's going to be student. *Here comes the tears.... You're doing a great job Mama!
ReplyDeleteI've been seeing a therapist pretty regularly since we lost Eliza and sometimes I think it's the only thing that has really kept me together. I can't imagine trying to go it alone without being able to get an objective opinion and talk things through with a grief therapist. I mean, I know people do it, but I just think it would be so much harder. I'm so glad you've found someone you feel comfortable with, and that you're letting yourself get comfortable and enjoy this reality--even though it's not the one you expected.
ReplyDeleteHurrah!! I'm so happy you didn't settle for the OB-Gyn's answer. Your therapist sounds like a real winner, and I hope your future sessions are equally productive.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for seeking help. I really enjoyed going to therapy (well, not ENJOYED, but found it extremely helpful).
ReplyDeleteand this: "She has become the center of our household in a tangible way, while he was always only the center of our thoughts and dreams"
is exactly how I've been feeling since my daughter was born alive. Thanks for sharing what you're feeling
Wonderful wonderful news! I'm so glad you are doing this.
ReplyDeleteI've been out of the loop for a while, so read your last 3 posts one after the other.
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing SO INCREDIBLY WELL! You've realised you need help, and you've found it. All in the space of a week or two. It takes most women months, or years, to take those steps. Your daughter will benefit so much from having a mother who is so in touch with her feelings, so prepared to ask for help. Most of us pass on to our daughters a legacy of bumbling along, covering over any difficulties or anxieties, suppressing anything we don't like the look of. You are modelling for her a practical search for emotional health. Well done to you. You are fantastic.
I said "grrr...." to myself when I read your doctor saying "it's normal". Can't believe it. If you broke your leg when you fell out of a tree, that would be "normal" (gravity works, legs break), but you'd still look for treatment.
Well done to you for sticking to your guns and getting the help you need. It was a big step and the fact that you took it shows that you are well on your way to recovery.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your future sessions.
Sounds like you're heading in the right direction, and I'm glad to hear it.
ReplyDeletexo
Good for you for finding a good therapist and what a bonus that she comes to your home! I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you have found a good therapist who is helping you navigate these difficult waters. Marrying fantasy and reality is never easy. Know that your strength in reaching out is such a positive sign, one that will make it easier for others in a similar position. As always, thoughts and prayers coming your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad to read that you have reached out to a therapist, and found someone with whom you feel comfortable. Indeed, it sounds like there is still a lot of grief to process for you, which is to be expected. You have gone through so much. I'm glad there is time and space for you to heal and more fully join the life you have always wanted.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. Your family and new daughter will be betters for it. Wish you ll the best. Found you on the blog hop.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time. It's so easy (and normal) for us to think our angel babies would have been perfect babies.
ReplyDeleteI started writing a daily diary to my son before he was born and still continue (he's 17 months old). I tell him about his achievements, but also about his angel big sister and my feelings about both of them. Perhaps I'll edit it whenever I give it to him in the future, but for now, I think it's really helped me.