We finally came to the decision to try for another baby. It's not an easy decision by any means. It took lots of soul searching and listening to my heart, which finally said yes.
So that's it, right? Well maybe not. You see, I'm mostly a logic driven person so listening to my heart is not something that comes easy. Once I was done listening to my heart, my head had to kick back in to work out all the details. After all, we can't just go off birth control and see what happens.
*Insert me laughing hysterically. "Come off birth control? I haven't been on birth control in 10 years. If I was going to accidentally get knocked up it surely would have happened by now!"
No, this trying again will involve doctors and egg donors and flying halfway across the world for treatment. This trying again will be expensive and stressful. This trying again will be a concerted effort on my part. So that's where my head has to step in.
And my head still has fears.
Shortly after making the decision I sent an email to our US based clinic to get the ball rolling. I asked if our donor was still available and also about pricing changes. The reply came quickly. No our donor is not available anymore (so sad about this) and no the prices have not changed much. I just need to give them the go ahead and they will set the process in motion.
So did I reply immediately to get things started? Of course I didn't. Instead I found a million and one reasons not to reply to the email. First I told myself that we should have all the money in place first. Then I told myself that I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow turned into tomorrow and so on. Until over a month had passed.
The Hubby asked me last night when I was going to send a reply to the clinic. I told him I would, and I finally did. Today I sent an email with a few follow up questions and told them we're ready to start the process. I'm not sure what my head was thinking, but it's time it stopped procrastinating and got a move on. After all, we all know that any IVF cycle, especially one using an egg donor, takes forever to get rolling.
And I'm certainly not getting any younger.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Wow! This is such a big step, and I can only imagine how difficult it was to say yes...my head works the same as yours, I think. Best wishes!!!
ReplyDeleteI can certainly understand procrastinating...such a huge decision to put your heart back out there and try again. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteThis is huge! I can see how some procrastination could come into play here...so much has gone into this decision. Sending lots love!
ReplyDeleteProcrastination is forgivable! This is a truth that I struggle with. I'm always beating myself up for not having got on with things. But you, oh wise one, understand that it's not just a question of getting on with things. It's a question of listening to the reasons behind the procrastination, and understanding yourself better through them.
ReplyDeleteI learn so much from reading your blog. I really do.
I am sending you lots of love. The decision was going to be hard either way.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you officially start this next journey.
ReplyDeleteLove and best wishes with that.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as you begin/continue this process. Thinking of you and can't wait to hear when a donor is selected!
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