I've always loved children and babies,,, always.
I started as a very young babysitter for all the children in my neighbourhood. In fact, I babysat until I figured out that all the rest of my friends were going to parties that I was missing out on. I had dreams about my future babies; what I would name them, how I would dress them, and how they would fit into my life.
I loved when I would catch a baby smiling at me from across the room. That little cute face with it's little toothless smile. Ahhh, it used to melt my heart. I'd do anything for that moment.
And then something happened. My baby died at 36 weeks.
My beloved son died before he had a chance to be born. I will never forget seeing him for the first time, lifeless in the bassinet the hospital provided for him. Just a shell of a real baby, there but not there. His body was intact yet I knew his soul had already passed on.
After that I couldn't look at another baby. Whenever I passed a mother with her baby buggy I would look away, not wanting to see her living baby mocking me. Babies became a reminder of what I had lost. Each cute toothless smile was like a knife in my heart. "Look at me, I didn't die," they would say to me. "My Mom did something right and protected me, unlike you did for your baby."
Seeing a living baby became a slap in the face.
So I avoided babies for a very long time. As much as a person can avoid babies when she lives in a town full of babies.
But something has changed. Changed as a result of having my wonderful rainbow baby Frostina in my life. I can now look at babies again.
It came slowly I think, or maybe I'm just slow to notice it. But somewhere along the way, looking at babies doesn't hurt as much. Just today I was out without Frostina and I caught myself noticing all the baby girls I came into contact with. I was trying to figure out if they were older than her, or younger. If they were cuter than her or not,,,, of course none of them were cuter than she is!
That's when it hit me. I can look at babies again without it taking my breath away. Looking at babies used to be a grief trigger for me, but not anymore.
Now I just look at babies and smile again.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Beautiful post. And thank heavens for the passing of time, right? So glad that you can look at other babies again. And I am also quite sure that none of them are cuter than your Frostina.
ReplyDeleteI can look at other babies- but I still have a little pit of jealousy when I see it's a little boy.. Particularly a brand new squishy newborn. I get over it, but it can still cause a sharp intake of breath... And it can still hurt.
ReplyDeleteBetter, but not fixed, if that makes sense?
Oh, how wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 2 days old in December of 2011. I had no choice but to continue to look at babies, because she left behind a twin. But I completely understand what you mean about realizing that that horrible sharp pain is finally starting to dull. Life begins to move again. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYour heart felt post moved my heart. So glad you have found your smile again. (found you via "Things I Can't Say" linky party. So glad I did.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so beautiful and I am so happy you are now in much better place although I am sure the pain will still return at some points but you are healing and that's important :)
ReplyDeleteOh my Gosh, I just can't even imagine your pain. I am so incredibly sorry.-Ashley
ReplyDeleteThat's wonderful. Smile and the world smiles back, they say :0)
ReplyDeleteI'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Glad that you can look and smile again.
ReplyDelete