4th Of July Fun- First ER Trip As A Parent

It was bound to happen. In a lot of ways I'm amazed it took 2 years, but we finally hit a milestone in parenting with Frostina,,, a trip to the emergency room.

What is it with my family? Every time I'm in my third trimester, someone decides they aren't getting enough attention and ends up in the ER? If you've been a long time reader you may remember The Hubby and "The heart attack that turned out not to be a heart attack." Well this time Frostina decided it was her turn.


It all started with an innocent trip to the furniture store. The Hubby wants to buy some outdoor furniture so off we went to take advantage of the holiday sales. Frostina has always been easy to shop with. She sticks close to me and never runs away while we're in a store. So I wasn't worried about her behavior at all,,, big mistake on my part.

You see, this very clever toddler can smell that Mommy is too big and tired to give a good chase. She also knows that Daddy is a very soft touch. Combine the two of these things and you have typical 2 year old chaos in the store. My normally well behaved angel was wild. She was dashing around climbing up on every couch and chair she could find and then jumping around on each one.

It was super fun, I know this because you could hear her laughing from across the store. I know this because of course preggo had to pee the moment we walked in and I had no problem finding them once I was done. I tried telling her to stop but she was completely ignoring me. Running around, hiding behind things and generally mocking me. So I told her she had to hold Mommy's hand.

This was fine for about a minute but then she wanted her freedom. She did what I like to call the toddler drop and roll to try and free herself from my grasp. But I was ready for her and didn't let go. I let her lay on the ground for a minute and then scooped her up and announced that we were leaving the store since she couldn't behave.

She started crying loudly which I figured was because she could no longer run around like a wild beast. I carried her to the car feeling quite proud of myself for setting limits and sticking to them. Go me for having discipline and not letting her act up in a store.

Once we got to the car and I tried putting her into her car seat I knew something wasn't right. As I was moving her arms to strap her in she got this really funny look on her face and started whimpering. Then the whimper turned into a cry and she was holding her wrist. I convince myself that I've broken her wrist by holding on too hard and start to feel like the worst Mommy in the world.

We drove home and I gave her some Baby Advil and tried to feed her lunch. She refused to move the hand and would only eat with the other one. We debated what to do but since it was nap time we let her sleep a bit to see if she would feel better afterwards. An hour later she woke up crying and still refusing to move her arm.

So off we went to the children's ER,, on the 4th of July. Hooray!

Luckily the place was almost deserted and we were seen within 5 minutes. I get quizzed on what happened and I am convinced they will listen to my story and notify social services that I've abused my child. I notice she has a few bruises on her forehead and chin and figure it's just a matter of time before the nice smiley lady comes in to take my child away. I try to stay calm and The Hubby does too.

A few minutes later the doctor comes in and says she wants to take a look. She has Frostina sit on The Hubby's lap facing her. We tried this on mine but there's not much room left these days with the huge bump. Next thing I know she is massaging and then pulling on Frostina's arm. I freak out and start crying! Frostina freaks out and starts crying. The Hubby freaks out and starts crying.

Then it's done and the doctor hands Frostina a Popsicle which she reaches for and grabs with the injured hand. The same hand she has refused to move for hours. The doctor says she had nursemaid's elbow which apparently is very common in under 4's. She says it's popped back in now but to hang out for a little while just to make sure. She also hands Frostina a cute white stuffed bear with a T-shirt that has the name of the hospital on it.

Very cute, but hopefully this will be the only one we get.

Frostina is now a happy camper. She's eating her Popsicle and saying, "I love Popsicle." She is also feeding her new bear Popsicle. The transformation was amazing. One minute she's crying hysterically, clinging to me and refusing to move her arm. The next minute she is asking to sit on the hospital bed and, "Sleep pillow."

Needless to say, The Hubby and were still shell shocked. But Frostina was as happy as could be.

We were in and out of there in an hour and 15 minutes which has to be some kind of emergency room record. But it's not exactly how I wanted to spend my first 4th of July back in America.

When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.

I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.

I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.

Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).

I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.

Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.

So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.

I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.

I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."

Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.

Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.

*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.

Such A Cute View

Frostina was a bit of a late crawler which had me pretty worried for a while there. Once she got the hang of that it wasn't long until she was walking. It's been nice to finally see her being able to keep up with the other toddlers her age. *Side note- I love that I can say I have a toddler* She is having a blast exploring the world around her.

Now that she's walking I notice that I do a lot more chasing than I used to. She's getting really quick these days. Especially if I have forgotten to shut the baby gate or a door leading into a forbidden room. Then she's off with a squeal and a flash.

I find I spend quite a bit of time looking at the back of her, and the view is pretty cute. Don't you think?

Exploring our back garden

Checking out her shadow

On the way to the Halloween Parade

At the local park

Crawling At Last

We have mobility at last! It's about freaking time!

I have been worried for a long time that Frostina wasn't crawling. When all the other babies in her playgroup were crawling around, she was happy to sit and play. She knew how to roll but hardly ever did it. Instead, she would play happily until she wasn't happy anymore. Then she would cry until I moved her to a new toy or the jumperoo or brought something interesting for her to play with.

Clever girl had me trained well.

She has been cruising for a while now and I started to think that she would be one of those babies who skipped crawling and went straight to walking. This was OK in theory, but I still worried that by not crawling she would miss some kind of development milestone that could hurt her in the future. *Note- I realise I sound completely neurotic, and I am. I accepted this fact about myself when it comes to Frostina a long time ago.

So imagine how shocked I was today when she decided that she wants to crawl. I swear it came out of nowhere. She has been rocking on all fours for a while now but no signs of real movement. I think all her new found mobility when she's cruising has motivated her to not just want to sit in one spot anymore. She was crawling and doing this funny scoot all over the place today.

The hubby and I are so proud of our little crawler. I know a year is quite late to get started, but we're so pleased she's finally figured it all out. 

I suppose it's finally time to do some real childproofing now.

Still Not Crawling

Am I failing her?

That's the question that's been in the back of my mind lately.

Am I failing Frostina? Am I a good mother? Am I doing it right?

The Hubby is constantly telling me what a great job I'm doing. Frostina is eating well, and sleeping well, and happy most of the time. And yet the feeling that I'm doing something wrong still plagues me.

Why am I worried?

She's almost 10 months old and still not crawling or pulling herself up. She can sit very well and loves to stand up when I pull her up. She can even balance herself for a few minutes while she is standing against the couch. But I have to put her in position first. She knows how to roll over yet she rarely does. Basically she stays in one position until she gets bored. Then she complains a bit until Mommy comes to the rescue.

She has hated tummy time from the beginning. It was only a month or so ago that she would tolerate it for any length of time. I've been trying to put her on her tummy a lot lately and it seems like when she's in the mood she can go for quite some time before she gets unhappy. She can rotate herself around in a circle and sometimes pushes herself backwards a little bit, but still no crawling.

Everywhere I go I see babies younger than her scooting, rolling, army crawling, bum shuffling (I love that expression), and full on crawling. I see them pulling themselves up and trying to couch surf. I watch Frostina get frustrated when she can't reach something she wants. I watch her sway from side to side on her belly, not being able to figure out why that doesn't propel her forward. Some days she's desperately unhappy because she's stuck in one spot. And yet still no crawling.

I have tried everything I can think of to help her along. I lay next to her and hold toys out of reach. I place my hands on her feet to encourage her to push against them. I have tried putting a towel under her belly and suspending her in the air so that her knees and arms touch (she hated this one by the way). I praise her when she pivots around, and yet still no crawling.

Lots of people tell me I'm lucky because once she starts moving I will never be able to sit down again. In my head I know that babies develop at their own pace. But deep inside I worry that it's something I've done. Have I let her spend too much time in the jumperoo? Have I been too nice by always rescuing her when she cries. Is this a sign that she's somehow developmentally delayed? If so then what on earth have I done wrong to cause it?

Ugh, this Mommy guilt is killing me.

So,,, Are You Going To Try For Another One?

To try for another baby, that is the question.

It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.

It's the question I don't know how to answer.

Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.

If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.

But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.

Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.

I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.

I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.

And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.

But to do it again? I don't know.

After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.

For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.

Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?

I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.

If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.

So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.

The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.

These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.

Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.

She's No One's Show Pony

Frostina is a beautiful little girl with a smile that can melt your heart. She coos and babbles and has even laughed a few times. I love those moments with her. Those magical moments when we smile back and forth and "talk" about our day. Just the two of us gazing into each others eyes, feeling the love that flows between the two of us.

She's even cuter with The Hubby. She loves her Daddy!! In fact, the first time she laughed properly was with him. I love watching them interact. The way her eyes light up when he talks to her. The way she smiles at him and the way he smiles back. It's amazing to watch.

I wish everyone else could see just how cute she looks when she's sporting her toothless little grin. Unfortunately the second I whip out a camera she stops smiling.

Here's how it goes in our house.

• Put the camera away, smile. 
• Take the camera back out, no smile. 
• Put the camera away, smile. 
• Take the camera back out, no smile.
• Lather, rinse, repeat.

In addition to her "no smiling for cameras" rule, Frostina seems to save her smiles for only a chosen few. You know how you see those babies who smile at everyone who even remotely glance in their direction?? Well Frostina is definitely not one of those babies. At the moment she will only smile for me, The Hubby, and the woman who comes once a week to clean our house.

Anyone else is out of luck. It's not like we never go anywhere. We're out and about all the time. Especially since we live in a city where people walk everywhere and we don't have a car. Everywhere we go there are people to interact with. So it's not like being around new people is something strange to her.

No matter how hard people try, and boy do people try... she just won't budge.

• The nice old lady in the grocery store- no smile.
• The other Mothers in our baby group- no smile.
• My friends who we meet up with for lunch or coffee- no smile.
• The nurse who does her immunizations- no smile.... although I with her on that one.

There have been a few exceptions to this but generally she only smiles at people on her terms,,, when she feels like it. So as a result I find myself bearing witness to grown adults trying their best tricks to get a smile out of this baby. You wouldn't believe how far people will go,,,, it's pretty comical.

When I warn them that she's not a huge smiler (is that a word?) they seem to take the information as a challenge. This information seems to spur them on even further. They now want to be one of the "chosen few" who get a smile. Mostly they fail.

I was expressing my frustration about this to a friend of mine this week. I want everyone who meets her to see just how amazing and happy she is. I want her to smile at them the way she smiles at us. So they can see just how cute she can be.

My friend just smiled and said, "Well she's no one's show pony... good for her."

I've always said to The Hubby that I can't wait for her to start showing us her personality. And she is... she's showing us that she's no one's show pony. She has a mind of her own and does what she wants, when she wants.

I suppose that in life, that trait will serve her well but for now I just wish she would smile for people..... or at least for the camera so I can prove to people that she actually can do it.