To try for another baby, that is the question.
It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.
It's the question I don't know how to answer.
Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.
If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.
But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.
Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.
I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.
I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.
And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.
But to do it again? I don't know.
After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.
For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.
Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?
I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.
If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.
So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.
The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.
These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.
Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Best of luck with your decision! It is something only you can decide and whatever path you chose will be the right one.
ReplyDeleteYou mention it's the chance of another loss where you get stuck, which is an understandable fear. Of course there are no guarantees, but the odds are very much in your favor that a later loss would not happen again. Hopefully having had one successful pregnancy under your belt would help ease the anxiety during a next pregnancy. All that said, it is a very good place to be knowing you could be happy and fulfilled with the way things are now.
Whatever your decision you will have tons of support. Like Cece said its a decision only you and hubs can make.
ReplyDeleteNot an easy question to sit with, to be sure. Your post lays out so well all the pros and cons of trying again. Writing this kind of post is probably helpful in helping you figure out where you stand on the issue. You have a good 4 months before Frostina turns 1. I say use them to make it very quiet inside yourself so that you can hear your true voice about what you want to do next. Don't rush yourself.
ReplyDeleteI like Augusta's advice. Would you mind if I said I would pray for you on this?
ReplyDeleteNot an easy decision at all. Wishing you peace as you think about what will truly be best for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI always pictured a family with at least two children. One of the hardest parts of infertility was knowing that if I ever got pregnant with one, I would have to go through it all again to have another. It is so exhausting just THINKING about it. But after my twins were over a year old, I wanted to do it again. I missed being pregnant, I loved breastfeeding, I wanted to experience a baby again. When push comes to shove, it comes down to whether the desire is stronger than the fear, and only you know that tipping point.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I have been in a dilemma over the exact same issue.
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I can give is that your do not have to rush the decision.
I feel relief at Figlia being here, and growing up and all that. And currently, all my energy and day is spent in raising her, and keeping my wits (in that order).
But I do feel tugs sometimes, and everytime I am out of a messed up night, I am sure I am not having or trying for one for the next few months.
Infertility is not only the physical discomfort of treatment, but I think, the mental fallout. That was tougher for me. I had a surprise pregnancy at 39 after many years of infertility and it is wonderful! I love having two children. It has definately healed my heart.
ReplyDeleteThat decision is a tough one. one that only you can make. I'm not going to dare sway you in either direction, however i will say that in whatever you do decide I will support your decision. Hugs mama-
ReplyDeleteFelicia
Such a difficult decision. I hope you find the peace of heart with what you decide. Do not rush yourself. The answer will come.
ReplyDeletethat is a hard decision, especially because you can't just take the "wait and see" position or "if it's meant to be.." you have to actually take action to become pregnant. For me, right now the freedom away from being pregnant or worrying about pregnancy is wonderful. I like how you put that. But I know that I want to try for another baby in the next couple of years, so I feel that panic of what if we are pushing our luck??!! Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this everyday. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
ReplyDelete