Baby Oleo

I know I have been a bit more lax about writing these days. Not just in frequency, but in depth. I am so distracted with Frostina that I don't have as much time in the day to really sit down and write. By the time she goes to bed I'm so tired that all I want to do is eat dinner and veg in front of the TV.

I feel bad because I really love this space. It was my lifeline in the early days of grief and became a huge support during my pregnancy with Frostina. It's weird how something that was so important to me has become something that I have cast aside. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I don't seem to need it as much.

But I still want it, so I'm going to try harder.

I'm going to begin with a confession. I feel awful that I haven't given this new baby a blog name. Frostina had her name before conception and this poor little one is still nameless. They do say that your second (living) baby doesn't get as much attention as your first (living) baby. I wonder if this is the beginning of that? Who knew that second (living) baby syndrome could start so early???

Naming Frostina was easy. She was my frozen embryo who we called Frosty until we figured out she was a girl. That's when we started calling her Frostina. This baby was from a fresh cycle and somehow "Freshie" doesn't have the same ring as "Frosty." I'd love to come up with something clever but alas, my clever gene seems to be in remission at the moment.

So I'm going to use the name we have been using at home, "Baby-Oleo." Why Baby-Oleo you ask? Well you see, when Frostina gets really excited about something we are going to give her (mostly food) she says ole-ole-oh a bunch of times. It's really cute and we like to copy her.

So when we found out I was pregnant I joked by saying "ole-ole-oh." Then I figured out that oleo rhymes with embryo (well sort of). So we started calling him/her Embry-oleo. That got shortened to oleo at some point and at the moment we're mostly using the name "Baby-Oleo."

I suppose that if Baby Oleo ends up being a girl that we will have to find a girly modification. But for now I'm sticking with Baby Oleo. Not as cute and clever as Frostina I suppose. But there you have it.

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, & Two Weeks

For the second year I am participating in a special project for Baby Loss Moms. Angie over at Still Life With Circles has established a link up where we can talk about where we are in our grief right now. I haven't read any of the entries yet because I wanted my thoughts to be unclouded, but when I'm done with this I plan to head on over and read them all. I encourage you to do the same.

I participated last year and when I'm done writing this post I will go back and see where I was a year ago. But I want to get this out first before I take that stroll down memory lane.

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, &  Two Weeks

I'd like to be able to say that I'm all better now. That once you get past the first year that things somehow get easier, but that's not really the case. In lots of ways I still can't believe I made it through the first year. All the anniversaries and milestones, each one more difficult than the last. But somehow, The Hubby and I managed our way through.

We managed our way through what is probably one of the most difficult and painful things a couple can go through with our marriage intact. In fact, I'd say that our marriage is stronger than it ever was, something that I am eternally grateful for. We have learned to communicate in a way that we probably didn't before. We didn't need to know how to share our greatest fears and deepest sorrow before, because our life had not been touched by tragedy. But now it has, and we have figured out a way to come together and ride the storm as one.

This past year has been a busy one. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. This pregnancy has not been easy emotionally. Being pregnant again has brought some of the memories of our son back into my mind. I'm constantly living with flashbacks to when I was pregnant with him, comparisons between this pregnancy and the last, and all the what ifs.

What if I had been more vigilant with him?
What if I had been more closely monitored?
What if they had noticed he wasn't growing properly?
Could we have saved him?
Would he have been OK?
How would I have managed being pregnant with a toddler?
Would he have been a good big brother?

All this and more. All questions that I will never have answers to.

I'm having a very difficult time managing my fear during this pregnancy. Especially now since I am at the point where we lost him. I am constantly afraid that she will die too. That she will stop moving. That something horrible will happen and we won't make it to the hospital in time. That somehow she will be ripped from us just like he was. Every scan and every doctor appointment I am prepared for the worst.

It's not how I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be blissfully happy like I was last time. I want to feel that innocence again. That unspoiled joy. A joy that hasn't been touched by tragedy and pain. But that isn't my story anymore. I am a baby loss mom who is lucky enough to be pregnant again. I know firsthand just how horribly things can go wrong. I know this and somehow I need to manage the strength and faith to get through the next few weeks.

If I survive with my sanity intact and my baby still alive then that will be one huge accomplishment.

So where am I now? I'd say overall I'm better. The pain is still there of course, but it lets me have more good days than bad. It comes back every so often to remind me it's still there, but then it lets me get on with my life. I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed.

I am forever changed and it is up to me where I go from here.

Shutting Down My Facebook Page

I am suffering from social media overload. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and I think it's time that something has to give. As an anonymous blogger I live in two worlds. One world where I use my real life name and connect with my real life friends. And another world where I use the pseudonym My New Normal and I connect with my virtual friends. There is almost no overlap between these two worlds.

Both worlds are equally as real to me and equally as important. I often think that without this blog and the connections I've made here, I would never have been able to get through the loss of my son. Grief isn't really something we talk about in polite society and having this space to get it all out and make connections has been a vital lifeline.

I opened up a twitter account and a facebook page for this blog as a way to make even more connections. In the beginning it was all very exciting. But as time goes on it's feeling more and more like a burden. I've got my real life social media networks to manage, like facebook and email. Then I've got this blog and it's social media networks to manage as well. It's all getting to be too much.

So after much deliberation I've decided to shut down Finding My New Normal's facebook page. To be honest, I just don't see the value in having a facebook page for this blog. With twitter, I find I connect with lots of other women in similar situations as I am and have found some great blogs to read. I've made connections that are very valuable. I also have found that having a twitter page brings me more readers to this blog.

With the facebook page I've not had the same experience. I set things up so that posts I write here will automatically post over there. However, I noticed that this doesn't always happen. Sometimes a long time goes by with no posts, and then they all dump on the same day. Something that I know would be annoying to anyone following on facebook. I've also not noticed nearly as much interaction as I get here or on twitter. And I get almost no traffic coming from facebook to this page.

Perhaps I've been doing it wrong, but it just seems like a whole lot of extra time for not very much return. I'll wait about a week before pulling the plug to give people time to find me here and on twitter, but then that's it.

How about you? Do you have a facebook page or twitter page for your blog? If so, do you find value in them? Have you shut down any social network pages associated with your blog before? If so, why did you do it?

Right Where I Am: Nine Months and Two Weeks

Thank you so much Angie for creating this project for those of us who have lost children to participate in. What a lovely idea, to have each of us write about where we are now in our grief. So that new people can get an idea of the experience of grief further down the road, and so people further down the road can reflect on how far they have come in their grief.

So here is where I am, 9 months and 2 weeks after my son died at 36 weeks. 

I know am doing better. Better than before, when my grief was an all consuming being. It is still there, but it is buried a bit. Peeking at me around corners, but most of the time letting me be.

There are still times when it pops out and surprises me.
Not wanting to be ignored.
Wanting to remind me that it is still there.
That it is still more powerful than I am.
That I have not gained control over it.

Most of the time I can manage it. I am able to enjoy things, and life, and my husband without feeling guilty. I understand now that while grief is a part of my life and probably will always be, it is not the only part of my life.

It's like an unwelcome house guest who has overstayed their welcome. I have learned how to get away from it at times. I have also learned that I need to allow it to spend some time with me as well. If I try and avoid it for too long then it will jump out and tackle me to the ground, demanding some quality time with me. So I do my best to keep a balance. Where I have my time for fun, and my time to be sad. Most days I do a pretty good job of it.

I am also very busy at the moment. They say not to have too many major life changes after a loss, but sometime these things cannot be helped.

I am grieving. In addition to grieving, we are also trying for another baby. In addition to grieving and trying for another baby, we are also having to find a new place to live. In addition to grieving and trying for another baby and having to move, we have found out that the hubby may be given a new project at work. It's a good thing, but it's another big change.

My plate is full. My cup is running over. I am doing my best to manage it all. It's a huge job.

Yet deep down I know I can do it. Because the one thing that my loss has taught me is that I can get through anything. No matter if I want to or not,,,,, I can.

Because I have been there. In that terrible dark place. That place where babies die unexpectedly. That place where it feels like the whole world has screeched to a halt. That place where no light can penetrate.

I've been to that place, and I have crawled back out. I'm back from that place, because I set my mind to it. Force, and will, and strength, and tears,,,, all coming from an inner power and an external support system I never knew existed. And yet they were all there for me when I needed them. So I know they will be there for me when I need them in the future.

So after 9 months and 2 weeks I can say that I have embraced my grief. For all it's ups and downs. I know there will be many more tears to come, and I'm OK with that. It's part of the process.

Blog Party

 

The lovely ladies over at 5 Minutes for Mom are having a huge blog party and I have decided to join in the fun. If you want to join in as well, click on the button above for all the info. If you are new to my blog, welcome.


Here is a little bit of info about me and my blog.

I am an American expat living in London. My husband and I have lived here for over 5 years now and really enjoy it.

I am Mommy to an angel in heaven. My son was stillborn at 36 weeks in August of 2010. I started this blog to try and work through my grief and find my way back from the brink of despair. My goal is to figure out how to live my life without him. Things will never be the way they used to be. So I am looking to find my new normal.

Before our loss we struggled with infertility so this blow was especially hard. It felt like we almost made it to our new lives and then someone just pulled the rug out from under us.

We are now in the process of trying for another baby. This time, due to my age and some genetic issues we are going forward using an egg donor. The world of egg donation is completely new to me. So I have been writing a lot about this new journey.

This blog has been such a refuge for me. It's where I can share my feelings in a way that I am unable to do in real life. I don't hold anything back. Much of what I share here is raw, uncensored, and painful to read. Believe me, it's painful to write as well. This is not a bright, shiny, happy blog much of the time. But it's me, all of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

For this reason, I don't reveal myself here. Somehow I feel safer blogging anonymously.

If I haven't scared you off yet then I hope you spend some time getting to know more about me and my journey.

Do I Need To Be Sad To Write?

Ever feel like you want to write but don't know what to say? That's how I'm feeling today. Some days the pain is so huge that the words flow out of me like they're writing themselves. Other days it's more of a struggle. For whatever reason, it's easier for me to find motivation and inspiration to write when I'm feeling down.

So are the two mutually exclusive? In order to write I have to feel pain? When there is no pain then there's nothing to write about?

I hope that's not the case because I enjoy writing my thoughts here. What I don't enjoy is feeling like my heart is going to break into a million pieces. So if that's what it takes for me to continue writing then I'm not so sure that's what I want.

Things in my real life are getting easier. If you had told me that seven months ago I'm not sure I would have believed you. I'm not saying I'm all better yet, but I am finding my way out of the fog. When I started this blog I was consumed by grief so that's all I wrote about. Now I am trying to move on,,,,, to find my new normal.

Finding My New Normal,,, really it's the perfect blog title. I'm so glad I picked it. How amazing that even in the depths of despair I picked a title that still contained a drop of hope.

I suppose I may have answered my own question just now.

This blog isn't only about grief and pain. It's about my journey back to some kind of normal. I can write about anything I want. Not just the sad things.

Wow, I really am all over the place today. Sorry if I'm making it hard to follow along.

But I think I just realized that this blog doesn't have to just be a sad place. It can be a happy place sometimes too. Because in my new normal I will be both. Hopefully more happy than sad, but one never knows.