For the second year I am participating in a special project for Baby Loss Moms. Angie over at Still Life With Circles has established a link up where we can talk about where we are in our grief right now. I haven't read any of the entries yet because I wanted my thoughts to be unclouded, but when I'm done with this I plan to head on over and read them all. I encourage you to do the same.
I participated last year and when I'm done writing this post I will go back and see where I was a year ago. But I want to get this out first before I take that stroll down memory lane.
Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, & Two Weeks
I'd like to be able to say that I'm all better now. That once you get past the first year that things somehow get easier, but that's not really the case. In lots of ways I still can't believe I made it through the first year. All the anniversaries and milestones, each one more difficult than the last. But somehow, The Hubby and I managed our way through.
We managed our way through what is probably one of the most difficult and painful things a couple can go through with our marriage intact. In fact, I'd say that our marriage is stronger than it ever was, something that I am eternally grateful for. We have learned to communicate in a way that we probably didn't before. We didn't need to know how to share our greatest fears and deepest sorrow before, because our life had not been touched by tragedy. But now it has, and we have figured out a way to come together and ride the storm as one.
This past year has been a busy one. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. This pregnancy has not been easy emotionally. Being pregnant again has brought some of the memories of our son back into my mind. I'm constantly living with flashbacks to when I was pregnant with him, comparisons between this pregnancy and the last, and all the what ifs.
What if I had been more vigilant with him?
What if I had been more closely monitored?
What if they had noticed he wasn't growing properly?
Could we have saved him?
Would he have been OK?
How would I have managed being pregnant with a toddler?
Would he have been a good big brother?
All this and more. All questions that I will never have answers to.
I'm having a very difficult time managing my fear during this pregnancy. Especially now since I am at the point where we lost him. I am constantly afraid that she will die too. That she will stop moving. That something horrible will happen and we won't make it to the hospital in time. That somehow she will be ripped from us just like he was. Every scan and every doctor appointment I am prepared for the worst.
It's not how I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be blissfully happy like I was last time. I want to feel that innocence again. That unspoiled joy. A joy that hasn't been touched by tragedy and pain. But that isn't my story anymore. I am a baby loss mom who is lucky enough to be pregnant again. I know firsthand just how horribly things can go wrong. I know this and somehow I need to manage the strength and faith to get through the next few weeks.
If I survive with my sanity intact and my baby still alive then that will be one huge accomplishment.
So where am I now? I'd say overall I'm better. The pain is still there of course, but it lets me have more good days than bad. It comes back every so often to remind me it's still there, but then it lets me get on with my life. I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed.
I am forever changed and it is up to me where I go from here.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Apart from having Hope back, I wish I could have had the joy back as well. I felt so robbed of that in my next two pregnancies. I know too much now, but it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you so much right now. The end is so terribly hard.
xo
Very honest, very real post. I find the loss of innocence and the loss of hope to be so very stark in my subsequent pregnancy. So much so, I almost resent it when people try to make me feel either of those things. I think you said it perfectly in that this is now how you wanted to be pregnant. That too is mourned along with our kids.
ReplyDeleteStay strong. I will keep sending you good wishes and peace from where I am.
ReplyDelete"It's not how I wanted to be pregnant". No...and then I think, this isn't how any of us wanted to live the rest of our lives, much less a pregnancy. It's as you said, "I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed." I'll never be the same person I was before Anna died, either. "...it is up to me where I go from here." Which means to me, that I can be determined to live fully, embrace what is good and joyful. But I also think that the part that is forever changed means that the good and joyful will always be bittersweet. Or will it? As of right now, in week 33 of a pregnancy I pray will bring a living baby, I can't imagine NOT having bittersweet as a constant presence - punctuated by moments of being knocked flat again with anger and mourning and missing her desperately.
ReplyDeleteYes, doing better now.
Do you ever wonder what the ceiling on 'better' is, and if we've nearly reached it??
"I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed."
ReplyDelete-- When my son died, a lady who lives on my Mum's street sent me a card with a beautiful letter inside. She told me that she had given birth to a daughter, who died. I don't know any details, she offered that I could go and see her, but I haven't worked up the courage yet. In the letter, she said something to me that I think of daily.
"You will never get over it, you will always be changed and different. But slowly, your life will start to grow around it." I don't know a single baby lost mother who has, can, or wants to get over the death of her child. I've been reading the posts from this linkup, and something is common, no matter how far along the journey we are - we don't get over it, we get through it. Life does grow around the hole that our babies left behind. I hope everything goes well with your little rainbow.
Thinking of you and wishing you and Frostina well as you close in on your due date. xo
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to be blissfully happy again. I felt so wonderful during my first pregnancy, like everything I had wanted in my life was arriving all at once. That unspoiled joy, a perfect description.
ReplyDeleteBut it wasn't my story either. You're right, getting through with everyone still alive and some vestiges of sanity left is a huge accomplishment. That is what is truly important.
Thinking of you and little Frostina as you approach this difficult, difficult time x
Pregnancy after loss is so hard. My goodness, so hard. I think there is a another mourning there--of not having a worry-free pregnancy, of not being innocent. All the things you mentioned. It is its own grief. Holding you in my heart and thoughts as you navigate these last weeks, and thank you for sharing this beautiful, honest piece. xo
ReplyDeleteAs ever, I simply cannot imagine the pain you have been through or continue to go through. It must be so hard and of course the worry is so dominant now that you are pregnant again. I know that there is nothing the doctors, or friends, or strangers on the internet can tell you to make that go away. I am really looking forward to hearing about the precious day when you finally get to hold your beautiful girl. Thank you for sharing such an honest and moving piece.
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Stopping by from the blog hop, what a great written story. I have had 2 miscarriages but they were both early around 8 weeks. I am pregnant with #3 now at 32 weeks. I have a lot of fears early on, my thought process is setting small goals. If I make it to 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 30 weeks etc. God Bless you and good luck in welcoming your baby girl! Try to enjoy your last weeks of being pregnant!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.spendless2savemore.blogspot.com/
All that innocence and bliss is gone. But the beauty of your daughter, and the hope that she will arrive safe and sound is echoed by all in this community. Thank you for sharing <3
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post... I know what you mean about wanting the joy back. Thinking of you and bub always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI was so angry during my second pregnancy. I was sad about losing the joy and innocence that I had in my first pregnancy. I know how miserable and anxiety ridden the last weeks of a subsequent pregnancy are. Thinking of you as your due date draws near.
ReplyDelete"I wanted to be blissfully happy like I was last time. I want to feel that innocence again. That unspoiled joy. A joy that hasn't been touched by tragedy and pain. But that isn't my story anymore. I am a baby loss mom who is lucky enough to be pregnant again. I know firsthand just how horribly things can go wrong. I know this and somehow I need to manage the strength and faith to get through the next few weeks"
ReplyDeleteYes to this except I could insert the last word of "weeks" for "months"
We are forever changed. This is our story now. I wish it was different. While writing that sentence it reminds me of a book called "peaceful piggy meditation" that I read to my son. It states that Peaceful piggies stop wishing for things to be different and learn to accept things for what they are" UGH. I hate that. I have no choice. Neither do you.
Only a couple more weeks, I know how terrifying this is. I'm right behind. you. I am so glad that your relationship with your husband has gotten stronger. I wish I could say the same. It must be so nice to have someone to support you through the process. Giant hugs to you mama.
Sending you lots of strength and good thoughts for these last few weeks. I think you are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteYou are where I see myself in a year or so. Although I am not yet pregnant again, I too feel the loss of the innocence in a future pregnancy, the joy and anticipation. These last few weeks must be so hard for you, but you know what? You have survived the unimaginable, the worst thing it is possible to go through. You can do anything momma. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteI swear my rainbow baby, my only early one, left the premises because he was sick of all the stress washing about :)
ReplyDeleteI always read here, I think I found you via Angela. I am holding you close these last few weeks and hoping for you.
Thinking of you... as I read your words i remembered how hard and scary my rainbow pregnancy was after my losses. What most women find to be joyful I found terrifying. I DID of course enjoy many moments: the movement, the growing belly, but at the same time it was all tainted slightly with fear and I know every pregnancy after will be too and that's ok. That is part of the grief journey. I embrace it, through with sadness, and try to think of my babies smiling down on me and guarding my sweet one month rainbow baby... I pray your rainbow is in your arms safe and sound very soon... thank you for sharing right where you are... <3
ReplyDeleteI identify so much with your pregnancy fears, I remember thinking that somehow my pregnancy with my rainbow baby was going to make me feel whole again or at least a little less broken but instead it was full of fear. I was petrified the entire time and now I look at my son (3 next week) and still feel a little guilty that I could not enjoy the time I carried him. I can't wait for you to hold your new baby girl in your arms and I'm wishing you moments of peace until you do.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think year two is harder than year one in some ways. Year one is, as you noted, about getting from milestone to milestone. Year two, you start to have to look a little further ahead, the world has moved on, your grief is expected to be done. Add to that the anxiety (hope, joy, yes, but oh the fear too) of another pregnancy and it is incredibly hard. I remember how tense I got every time a doctor's visit approached during my first subsequent pregnancy. I suppose I could have looked at is a time to see that everything was okay, but I simply held my breath afraid to hear what might be wrong. Wishing you a healthy, healing birth and some peace and joy in the end of this pregnancy.
ReplyDelete"We didn't need to know how to share our greatest fears and deepest sorrow before, because our life had not been touched by tragedy. But now it has, and we have figured out a way to come together and ride the storm as one."
ReplyDeleteI loved this - it's not easy to keep a relationship going in the face of such enormous tragedy. It's a genuine accomplishment to celebrate when it happens.
I hope that your daughter has a safe and straightforward joureny to becoming the fourth member of your family.
Pregnancy after a loss - oh, I so very much wanted the joy back, too. I was so furious at other blindly (I thought) joyful expecting moms during my pregnancy - they made me want to hiss and spit. And I know it was mostly jealousy.
ReplyDeleteSo much love to you as you move through these days. And I am hoping so hard for you and this baby.
All those questions... I know them so well... I'm so sorry your sweet boy is not with you, but I'm so very happy that you have your little Frostina safe in your arms..
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