I feel like crying is all I do these days.
I cry about this and I cry about that.
I'm so tired of crying.
So tired of being "that woman."
The one who is sad.
The one you can't say certain things around.
Censoring your words.
Not bringing up things in front of me.
Like new babies.
Like Mother's Day.
Tiptoeing around me.
Because I'm damaged.
Because you might make me cry.
Because you don't know what to say.
Or how to act.
I'm so tired of being that woman.
The woman you feel sorry for.
That you want to reach out to.
Because it's just such a sad story.
Because I'm having a hard time.
Because you're secretly relieved it happened to me instead of to you.
I'm tired of being that woman.
But she is me.
I am her.
Desire does not erase the reality.
Will cannot change the facts.
It is who I am.
Like it or not.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I am sure all will be Ok with your new baby. Dont worry. All the best.
ReplyDeleteWow. Perfectly said. Hugs to you...
ReplyDelete"Because you're secretly relieved it happened to me instead of to you."
ReplyDeleteThat line has the most truth in it. For me, the emotion isn't relief, though. It's guilt. I feel guilty that it's you not me. Absurd. I obviously wouldn't sacrifice either of my babies, even to save someone else's. And yet. The things you have been through are extraordinary. They humble me. You have my respect. And my hope that your rainbow baby will be born healthy at exactly the right time.
Sending many hugs your way with lots of hope for the very near future.
ReplyDeleteFuck! So true... All of it. I'm that woman too. I feel like a disaster, and one that easily explodes. No wonder people abadon us. What do you do with pariah's. Outcasts for a reason.
ReplyDeleteSo relieved it's me and not you. Yeah we all know that ones true because as shit as it sounds I would sacrifice any other person's child for mine to have lived. Fuck!
Oh I get it, I really do. I remember writing a post like this myself a while back. I hate that I will always be that woman.
ReplyDeletexo
So heartfelt... and so true. Thinking of you with all my heart xoxo
ReplyDeleteI just want to copy and paste all of this. Not for my blog, but for my status update so that everyone I come in contact with every day realises that I'm as tired of me and they probably are.
ReplyDeleteAnd secretly glad it's me and not them? It's human nature, but it sucks. I hate that side of human nature.
I'm here, listening. xo
Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself. Hugs to u. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteThings for you will turn for you soon...
ReplyDeleteso true. i'm tired of being that woman too.
ReplyDeleteMe, too.
ReplyDeleteI remember when people looked at me with admiration or even jealousy. Now people look at me with pity, and I hate it.
So true. Hugs going your way.
ReplyDelete