Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness
Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness
Lather, rinse, repeat
This my friends is my life these days. A constant swinging of emotions. I go from hopeful to anxious and back again. I haven't figured out how to balance it all just yet. We are so close to meeting our little lady, and yet so far away. I'm being seen weekly by the doctor now which is helpful and reassuring. But the days in between visits are a form of torture. Is she OK? Will she live? Will the next Dr visit bring bad news? Where is that fast forward button?
Anxiety
I'm 34 weeks pregnant. 34 weeks is the last time I know for sure that my son was still alive. He died sometime between 34 and 36 weeks. He died at this exact stage of pregnancy.
Panic
How on earth am I going to be able to make it through this exact stage of pregnancy again without completely losing my sanity? What if it happens again? How will I cope? How will The Hubby cope?
Hope
Everything is different this time. She is much bigger; much more active; and according to the doctor, thriving in a way he never did. She is doing well. She is going to be born healthy and alive.
Happiness
When she's moving around I feel love and joy and happiness. When she's not I feel panic.
I know babies don't move around 24 hours a day. I know they do actually sleep. I know she's much more active than he ever was. But my heart is unable to hear reason. It loves so hard and it doesn't know how to overcome the fear. So it panics. Even when my brain tells it it's being silly. It doesn't listen. The heart feels what it feels. Then I feel her moving again and all is right with the world.
Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness
Lather, rinse, repeat
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Hi I come to your blog via J @ lazy seamstress. Just wanted to send some hugs or a smile or a sigh, whatever you need for today.
ReplyDeleteNaomi x
Oh how I understand! Even being farther into my pregnancy and saying to myself, "this time is different" over and over, that cycle of emotions stays with me. I think we are doing pretty well, or at least as well as can be expected, considerIng all that we have lost and all that we hope to gain this time around.
ReplyDeleteYes. Just yes.
ReplyDeleteKeep holding on. You are so nearly there. This last million miles will pass.
Thinking of you.
Sending love and calming thoughts.
ReplyDeleteNot long to go, you can totally do this.
Xx
You described it perfectly. I too, and pregnant, and 34 weeks will be my week of anxiety, panic, hope and happiness. Know you are not alone in your journey, we are all pulling for you, you have a team of people behind you cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Just a few short weeks to go. She is healthy, she is alive and she is fine. This anxiety will pass and she will be yours to take home.
ReplyDeleteYou could have cut and pasted this out of my brain, too. I'm glad I'm not walking through this alone, but I can't wait for us both to get past this particular part of the journey.
ReplyDeleteSo scaryy. Thinking of you momma.
ReplyDeleteYou're so close. Keep holding on.
ReplyDeleteIt's so scary.
ReplyDeleteYou're almost there! Soon you'll hold your baby girl in your arms! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget 'breathe'. I'm sending you as many good thoughts as I can fit on a screen.
ReplyDeleteSounds so famililar...so sorry you are experiencing this. Thinking of you and hoping you are able to keep your brain busy for the next couple of weeks...it is so torturous!!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make these days pass quicker for you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. My mind also won't keep still and I am having awful dreams. The more I try and "relax" to keep my blood pressure down the more anxious I get. I think just getting to the point where I am so tired I don't think anymore helps! In a weird way.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain and hope and pray you make it through this time. I am with you!!!
Thoughts are with you... just try and enjoy those moments of happy and hope when they come and hopefully the panic and anxiety moments don't last too long. xx Di
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying for you. Those anxious and panicky moments can be so hard. xx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you in these final weeks...its hard to talk our hearts with reason huh? hugs-
ReplyDeleteFelicia
Sending happy thoughts and hugs your way! I really hope these last few weeks go by fast for you.
ReplyDeletethis is not an easy time. talk about being triggered in a big way. I'm glad that you are getting plenty of movement from Frostina and weekly visits to the OB to help reassure you. Be gentle with all your anxiety and fear.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Yes, yes, yes, to all of this only I am not as close as you are to meeting your baby. I wish you could tell me how to manage this because I am a mess and soooo far from the end. Closer than 23 weeks ago though yeah?
ReplyDeleteI am glad you get moments of joy, I am glad you are going in weekly. I hope right along with you.
Thinking of you and bub with all my heart xoxo
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, and yes. (I just looked up and saw Renel said the same thing. When you resonate so completely, maybe that's all you can say!)
ReplyDeleteI don't comment regularly, but I read regularly. Commenting takes a whole other level of presence that I don't often have in my own spinning and cycling psyche. But I'm fervently pulling for you, for me, and for so many other moms out there waiting to welcome their next babies. Each victory is a victory for all, as is each loss.
CanNOT wait for the post that welcomes Frostina into the world!!!!!!