Friday, 11 May 2012

Midnight Meltdown

I've been battling with insomnia again. I know it's normal in late pregnancy, but for me I think it's something more than that. You see, we are now at the point in this pregnancy when everything went wrong for my son. I know I've written about this before and don't want to sound like a broken record, but it's really hard right now.

Flashbacks to my last pregnancy.
Comparing things as best I can.

It's all a bit too much at times. Each week closer to week 36 (when we found out he was gone) is like the exact reverse of waiting for Christmas morning. Logic tells me that there's nothing special about any of these weeks, but fear and emotion sometimes take over and I'm a total mess.

So many milestones to get through before we can hold a (hopefully) living breathing Frostina in our arms. We already passed the 32 week mark which was the last good scan for my son. We had a very positive scan which I wrote about here. Just passing that milestone was a huge relief.

The next one is 34 weeks. I didn't have a scan at 34 weeks last time, but I did see my doctor and heard my baby boy's heartbeat. It's the last time I know for sure he was alive. This time I'm having a scan at 34 weeks so I can be much more sure that Frostina is OK.

Then I have another appointment with my doctor at 35 weeks. Not a full scan, but a normal visit. He has this small portable ultrasound machine so we will get to see her then as well. This is really important to me as we know that my son went to heaven sometime between week 34 and 36. We don't know exactly when, so that whole time will be one huge grief trigger--- sounds fun doesn't it.

It's these things and more that have been spinning around my head lately. These fears and worries that have been keeping me up at night. I wasn't sure I'd ever sleep soundly again, until a few nights ago. The Hubby is my best friend and he's also really good at knowing when I'm about to meltdown. He has this second sense of when I'm about to lose it. He sometimes knows before I do.

So the other night I was getting ready to hit the bed and battle with sleep once more. He came in and asked if I wanted to talk about anything. I said no but the tears immediately came. A flood of fear, and emotion, and tears, and snot all came rushing out at once (pretty). I have been so worried that I will let him down again. That something will go wrong with Frostina and I won't even notice. That somehow if I'd been more vigilant I could have saved our son.

It went on and on like this for a while. I'm pretty good at blaming myself for things so there was a lot to get through. The Hubby just held me and assured me that I didn't let him down last time around. That we both did the best we could and that there was no way to know there was anything wrong. He also reminded me how much more carefully we're being monitored this time and how much better Frostina is doing than her brother was.

I cried for a long time..... and then I slept. A hard sleep, only interrupted by the 4 potty breaks I have every night these days. Since then I've been able to sleep like a baby, I even took a nap yesterday. I guess I really needed that cry!


  1. A good cry is often the best medicine... you're going through so much and so sorry to hear that you've been doing it do hard. Hang in there... you did absolutely nothing wrong and did everything you possibly could. I know that's easier to say than to do... I still wonder what I could have done differently to protect Gabrielle... but we really did all we could for our little ones. Thinking of you so often over these last few weeks of your pregnancy.... love always xoxo

  2. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder if I could have saved Logan...i think it is comes with the territory. Once she is safe in your arms I am sure you will finally get to relax a little. Thinking of you in these final weeks and hoping they go fast for you.

  3. A good cry really does wonders. Sending you lots of strength as these next few weeks pass.

  4. I know this fear and insomnia, too. Hope you keep getting some good sleep. Your husband sounds like one in a million :)

  5. I'm glad your husband sense the signs and that you can talk about what's going on with each other. So sorry it's so rough for you know and during the coming weeks. Thinking of you.

  6. I can't express how marvelous I think you are. I can't begin to imagine how heartbreaking it must to loose a child and I applaude you for even have the strength to get out of bed in the mornings.

    I am currently giving you a standing ovation for being so enormously brave you are and I'm soooo looking forward to reading though the adventure you have to come!

  7. I'm not pregnant again yet, but totally relate to the self-blame thing. The past week I fell back down that rabbit hole and was in a very dark place. I talked extensively about it at our support group meeting last night and today feel much better. Even though in my head I know I didn't make tha polyp grow in my cervical canal that caused the chain of events leading up to the loss of our twins, but somehow, when bottled close in the jail of my own mind, it seems possible I did. Only by saying it out loud did I get any relief.

    Tair said, I slept like shit last night. :)

  8. Hang in there girl! I know its tough but like hubby said this is a totally different pregnancy. Thinking of you!

  9. Thinking of you. I remember the stomach twisting anxiety that accompanied the last weeks of my pregnancy with B. It's exhausting and overwhelming, my heart is with you.

  10. Thank goodness he asked! What a wondeful thing for him to do. Sending light and love to all of you.