Right Where I Am: Nine Months and Two Weeks

Thank you so much Angie for creating this project for those of us who have lost children to participate in. What a lovely idea, to have each of us write about where we are now in our grief. So that new people can get an idea of the experience of grief further down the road, and so people further down the road can reflect on how far they have come in their grief.

So here is where I am, 9 months and 2 weeks after my son died at 36 weeks. 

I know am doing better. Better than before, when my grief was an all consuming being. It is still there, but it is buried a bit. Peeking at me around corners, but most of the time letting me be.

There are still times when it pops out and surprises me.
Not wanting to be ignored.
Wanting to remind me that it is still there.
That it is still more powerful than I am.
That I have not gained control over it.

Most of the time I can manage it. I am able to enjoy things, and life, and my husband without feeling guilty. I understand now that while grief is a part of my life and probably will always be, it is not the only part of my life.

It's like an unwelcome house guest who has overstayed their welcome. I have learned how to get away from it at times. I have also learned that I need to allow it to spend some time with me as well. If I try and avoid it for too long then it will jump out and tackle me to the ground, demanding some quality time with me. So I do my best to keep a balance. Where I have my time for fun, and my time to be sad. Most days I do a pretty good job of it.

I am also very busy at the moment. They say not to have too many major life changes after a loss, but sometime these things cannot be helped.

I am grieving. In addition to grieving, we are also trying for another baby. In addition to grieving and trying for another baby, we are also having to find a new place to live. In addition to grieving and trying for another baby and having to move, we have found out that the hubby may be given a new project at work. It's a good thing, but it's another big change.

My plate is full. My cup is running over. I am doing my best to manage it all. It's a huge job.

Yet deep down I know I can do it. Because the one thing that my loss has taught me is that I can get through anything. No matter if I want to or not,,,,, I can.

Because I have been there. In that terrible dark place. That place where babies die unexpectedly. That place where it feels like the whole world has screeched to a halt. That place where no light can penetrate.

I've been to that place, and I have crawled back out. I'm back from that place, because I set my mind to it. Force, and will, and strength, and tears,,,, all coming from an inner power and an external support system I never knew existed. And yet they were all there for me when I needed them. So I know they will be there for me when I need them in the future.

So after 9 months and 2 weeks I can say that I have embraced my grief. For all it's ups and downs. I know there will be many more tears to come, and I'm OK with that. It's part of the process.