I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I can't help myself. It's amazingly selfish and if any of my friends in real life knew they would be very upset with me. They would be horrified that I could think such a horrible thing about someone I call my friend. It would probably change their view of me completely. So I hide it. I keep it to myself and pray that no one discovers my dark secret.
So what is this friend's crime?? What has she done to make me so happy that she's moving so far away?
Three words
HER BABY LIVED
Yes, it's a simple as that. We were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were a month apart. We had all these plans about our babies being friends. She was having a girl and I was having a boy and we joked about them being boyfriend and girlfriend. We were going to join the same playgroup. We were on the same path.
Until that horrible day.
"There's no heartbeat."
Those words uttered at my 36 week growth scan changed everything for the hubby and me.
But not for her. Her baby girl lived, and is here,,, on this earth,,, in her arms. While my son looks down on me from heaven.
I can only hold him in my heart.
She and her daughter are walking reminders of what I have lost. In fact, in the 9 months since my son died (yes, it's been 9 months now) I have yet to meet her daughter. I can't meet her daughter. In fact, we had a near miss a few weeks ago and it nearly sent me into a crying frenzy.
So I pretend...
That I will miss her.
That I'm sad to see her go.
That our group of friends will never be the same without her.
When really, I can't wait for her to be gone.
So that I don't have to see the awkward looks on people's faces when they are in the same room with the two of us. Knowing the struggle they are going through.
- Dying to ask her about her baby, but not wanting to hurt my feelings.
- Wanting to invite people over but knowing she may not have a babysitter and knowing that I can't be in the same room as her daughter.
- Feeling like they somehow have to make a choice whether to see me or her based on her childcare situation.
- Feeling like they are stuck in the middle of this horribly awkward situation. Where her baby lived an mine died.
- Trying to be good friends to each of us while not hurting the feelings of the other.
I don't envy their situation. I try to put myself in their shoes,,,,, but I'm too close. I am unable to think objectively. So as much as I like this friend (and believe it or not, I really do) her move is a huge relief. Because I get to keep the friends.
And I really need them right now.
As horrible as it is to say this,,,, I need them more than she does. So I'm lying to everyone. Saying how much I will miss her and how sad I am to see her go. When really I'm just counting down the days.
So I'm a liar, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. Even though all I'm really trying to do is survive.
gosh. i can't even imagine what you're going through..though that post sure helps.
ReplyDelete((((hugs))))
You are not a liar, you are a survivor.
ReplyDeleteYou are not horrible, you are human.
You are not alone.
I hope that her departure gives you peace.
Ha, this is really similar! ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's any guilt to be had in seeing her go. It' a hard thing, to keep on living life with a gaping hole in your heart.
Oh. :( This made me cry. I'm never quite sure what to write as a comment when I read something as emotional and heavy as this, but I didn't want you to think it didn't touch me deeply as I read it. My heart hurts so much for you. I can't imagine your pain.
ReplyDeleteI really feel like your feelings are yours. No one can possibly understand what you are dealing with in your life and with this friendship unless they have walked in your shoes. So you aren't a bad person or liar or horrible. You are simply a grieving mom. And if she's truly a friend, she will understand that no matter what happens in the meantime.
<3
I don't know what to write to make you feel better. Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm thinking of your baby now.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand... Well as much as I possibly can. I have been the friend. One of my best friends from my youth lives 6 blocks away. She has never met Aiden for the same reason. I don't blame her, but I wish there was something I could do. I think living so close makes it worse. I still love her, and I am sure your friend silk loves you... Sometimes life is just too hard. If my moving brought relief to her, I would honestly be ok with that. That's just me...
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you are saying and you are not a bad person. You are just doing what you have to do to survive unimaginable pain. Does it make you feel any better if I say I'm glad she's moving too? You deserve a break and I hope her move gives you a few more moments of peace in your day.
ReplyDeleteIt's post like this that remind me how much better it would be if I blogged anonymously.
ReplyDeleteI seriously feel the same way. But the sad thing is that I know none of these people with newborns (LIKE FIVE OF THEM) aren't moving anywhere. As a matter of fact, they're all new friends as we've only lived in the Midwest for a year. As soon as our son died, I wanted to pack up and move, start all over, and just avoid anyone I knew who had children.
I'd meet people who didn't want kids! I'd go nowhere near parks!
Yeah... but we can't move. This is my husband's dream job and the reason we moved cross-country.
I went to a party yesterday. I spent the entire time avoiding eye contact with two people who had their baby in March. I couldn't even look at the baby as they walked from room to room just yapping up a storm about how wonderful their baby is. SHOOT ME NOW.
I have another friend who is having another baby (she has one) soon. I have no idea when she's due. I haven't asked. I know it's probably in the next 2 months and I don't want to know. I avoid all pregnancy conversations with her and have no clue what I'm going to do when that baby comes out. You know, healthy. Because it will. And I wish no ill-will, I don't want anyone dealing with this sadness... but just pushes me further and further away from wanting to be around people.
Back to being a hermit crab. Meh. FML.
You are not being a bad person.
ReplyDeleteSeeing someone follow the path you were meant to is a horrific trial. I have had to distance myself from several people over the past year because they were/got pregnant and I couldn't bear to watch. I moved 500 miles because there were too many babies in my building.
Her daughter will always be a reminder of what your son should be doing, maybe in the future you can be friends, but the wound is too raw just now.
Thinking of you.
I haven't been in your shoes but I can only imagine that what you are feeling is absolutely normal.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I can only imagine the emotional struggle with this situation. I hope you find peace.
:(
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is easier to distance ourselves from the things that hurt us the most. Maybe it'll be a good thing that your friend moves! I hope things get better.
<3
Our drive to keep surviving and self preservation is intense. I've avoided 1 friend who is due the month before I was and I don't intend to attend her shower. I actually don't have any intention of seeing her......ever if need be. I have to protect myself, my sanity (what's left), and my emotions above those of others.
ReplyDeleteWe will survive, somehow..promise.
I feel the same way. I don't know how to be friends with my friends since their babies lived. I've tried and bless them, but they always seem to say something insensitive and I just can't make myself forgive them. I can't be near their children and for the time being it seems to be more work than it's worth. I don't feel horrible about it at all and you shouldn't either. Much love to you for writing and sharing your feelings honestly.
ReplyDeleteKnow exactly how you feel... I struggle to be around babies that would be the same age as Gabrielle... or any babies for that matter - 15 months on. Don't be hard on yourself... you're a gorgeous person and have had to survive the worse thing a mum can go through. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI really wish I hadn't told so many people about my blog. I would love to write about so many things, like these lies you are talking about, but I feel I can't because I will hurt to many people's feelings.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your a horrible person, you can't help feeling the way you feel.
Thinking of you always
I understand. I was friends (not hugely close) with a girl who was due the SAME DAY as me and her baby girl was born alive and well four days before mine died and was born. Almost three years on, I have not laid eyes on that girl, or her daughter (and she's of course since had ANOTHER ONE) once. Truth be told, I hope never to see her again. I know it is awful, but I just have no idea how I'm ever supposed to be ok with seeing that baby, who of course would now be anything but a baby. My forever baby is frozen in time. Forever my firstborn who got away.
ReplyDeleteI get this, I really do.
xo
You know what? More than horrible, you are human at this point of time. And trying to piece together a heart that's been horribly crushed.
ReplyDeleteI think that your friend must be feeling very awkward too. And maybe, just maybe she must also be relieved that she will be gone.
Someday, you will have the courage to look at her daughter. And even if that day never comes, just please know that it is not because you HATE her, it is because in that little girl is also a boy who was wanted so much.
Sending you the warmest hug this a.m.
You are not a horrible person. IF has taught me to be a great "Little White Liar." I'm a firm believer that, if for self-preservation purposes, you have to tell a lie that keeps someone else from being hurt by your feelings...you get a "pass" on that lie. You aren't hurting her or your friends...you are being kind, even though you are hurting so much inside. I can't know the pain you must feel, and I hope that her moving lessens that pain. Until then, don't feel guilty for a second about your relief or your ruse.
ReplyDeleteHon, I don't blame you one bit. Don't beat yourself up over this AT ALL. You can't help how you feel. xx
ReplyDeleteJust a little note to say a very similar weight was lifted from my shoulders several months ago when an old friend, someone I could not even be around during her pregnancy because the pain was too raw, had to move out of state. I felt a twinge of remorse that I couldn't get my act together to even see her baby before she left, but then felt nothing but an overwhelming and full body relief. So, if you're a horrible person (and you're not!) then I am too and we can go be horrible together.
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. I am so sorry. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel.. My husband and I tried for several years to conceive - all my friends got pregnant right away.. A few of my friends were pregnant with their 2nd and/or 3rd by the time fertility drugs kicked in - I was pregnant along with friends.. making plans.. dreaming dreams.. At my 25th week - we knew something was going on - by week 26 - I was in the hospital trying to keep this precious life inside me longer.. By 28th week she was born and died a few days later... I was so angry that all my friends had healthy children - I did not understand why our beautiful girl had to die..
ReplyDeleteThis happened 16 years ago... I hope that you will feel peace and happiness again... And don't feel guilty about being happy your friend is leaving... You are actually being healthy..
So very sorry for your loss.
I've Become My Mother
I've Become My Mother facebook
Wow..I don't blame you. I'd feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you must put on a show for them but soon you wont have to. You seem like a good person and they should love you for you...respecting what you've been through.
Hugs-
Felicia
Hey there - GREAT blog!! Stopping by from the
ReplyDeleteMonday blog hop - I'm your newest follower via
GFC :) Would *so* appreciate a follow back!
Alex
http://www.thekidisrich.blogspot.com/
Educating kids and teens in entreprneurship.
I'm right there with you, going through a very similar and difficult strain on a friendship because of those three words, "Her kid lived." I feel awful for it, but I can't deny how painful a reminder it is of what we lost.
ReplyDeletexo
I don't blame you for feeling that way. I can't imagine all the feelings of grief you must feel everytime you see that friend. For self preservation sake, I am happy you won't have this reminder in your life anymore.
ReplyDeleteI guess everyone in our shoes is experiencing the same. I've been lucky enough that my friends whose baby lived are already far away and all I had to do was to be off line for as long as I needed. No one had to choose between me and them and I'm sure they've been glad. Now it is getting easier and it will for you as well, I'm sure, but take your time. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo true. Amen
ReplyDeleteEven if you wished it had been her instead of you it would not make you a horrible person. That judgement doesnt apply to you, okay?
ReplyDeleteCrap, I would be so happy to see her go. A constant reminder. I have a baby friend similar - used to live across the street from her. Best day was when I moved.
Your response sounds completely understandable and admirably honest. I am glad for your sake that your constant reminder of sadness is sailing away.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for joining Post Of The Month Club!Have a wonderful week :) XOL
I think you're very brave.
ReplyDeleteNew follower from the hop... and fellow expat!
ReplyDeleteI cried a little reading your post. You are not alone, and not horrible.
Paula
http://realhousewifeofsingapore.blogspot.com/
When a friend or loved one's life seems to be going great while yours is shattered, I think it's only natural to not want to be around them. Their joy is just too painful. My mother was in the same situation once. I was the baby that lived while one of her best friend's lost a her baby girl at almost the same time. My mom's friend pulled away. They didn't talk for years - not until I was an adult - there was just too much pain. And my mom completely understood.
ReplyDeleteThank you for honesty and sharing something I myself would be too much of a coward to ever admit.
I don't think you're a bad person at all! No one can know that pain unless they have been there. It's a private club. It's a painful club. Do what you have to do to survive because some day it'll be you looking at another woman knowing her pain, being her lifeline back to sanity.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers!
I am so sorry about your loss ... and I don't think you are a horrible person. To be honest I know and understand your pain only too well ... while my situation is not the exact same ... for me it is my son with Autism and my difficulty in spending time with some other children (friends & family) that are of almost the same age. I just can't bear it. I do not hate them or think ill ... I just can't bear being around their children that are developing normally. I just don't want to know how they are doing or what they are achieving ... it is just too hard. I wish I could say that it gets easier with time ... but that hasn't been the case for me. But I do hope for the best for you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your openness and honesty and sharing something so personal. Found you through Weekend Rewind Linkup
hugs{{}} You are not horrible, just normal{{}}
ReplyDeleteThat must be really hard for you. I hope you have found some relief since your friend returned overseas? Thanks for Rewinding x
ReplyDeleteThis is such a raw and honest post. I hope that your friend's departure has given you some time to heal.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from the Rewind.