When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.

I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.

I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.

Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).

I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.

Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.

So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.

I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.

I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."

Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.

Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.

*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.

The "Me" Before

She was telling a story. Remembering things from the past. Talking about how much fun I am. Talking about how I throw the best parties. Telling everyone that I'm such a good cook. Saying how she was so happy to be moving back to London because she and her husband really missed us. They missed us because we are such good friends and we are so much fun.

Who is she? She is a friend that I met when I first moved to London almost 8 years ago. She was friends with me before tragedy hit. She was friends with the old me, the "me" before. She moved away a month before my son died. In fact, she delayed her departure so she could attend my baby shower. That was the last time she saw me until a few weeks ago.

Who was she telling her stories to? She was sharing this information with some of my new friends. Friends who didn't know the "me" before. As she was walking down memory lane, sharing stories about fun times and crazy moments I could see looks of wonder on the faces of my newer friends. I could tell that they didn't recognize the "me" that was being described in the stories. In a way, neither did I. That person seems so far away now.

It's been just over 2 and a half years since my precious baby boy died. A lot has happened since then. I have come out of the fog of early grief and despair. I have gone on to have my rainbow baby and know the joy of parenting a living child. I have slowly and deliberately carved out a new life for myself, a new normal.

I am no longer frozen in time. I no longer count each day without him. I no longer cry for hours every day. I suppose it's fair to say that I have moved on with life. I have moved forward to a place where there is still some sadness, but there is also much joy.

But I am forever changed. You can't go through something as devastating and soul destroying as losing a child and come out the other side the same person. It's just not possible. Moments like this create permanent marks in our lives. There will never be a time when I go back to being that person. There will always be "The Me Before," and "The Me After."

I don't think too much about the person I was before my son died and was born. I guess that's because it's been such a tough road to get to the person I am today. I'm still in the trenches trying to find my way to a happier place. So I rarely look back anymore.

But this week I caught a glimpse of the "me" before when I listened to her stories. And I really missed the woman I used to be. They way she talked about me made me remember just how full of life I was. How idealistic  and positive I was, even in the midst of an almost 8 year battle with infertility. I had a joy for life that I haven't been able to recapture just yet.

It was quite an interesting evening. Sitting with a mix of old friends and new friends. Friends I knew on either side of the tragedy that was my son's death. Two very different sides of the same person. I could see that my new friends did not entirely recognize the woman she was describing. The "me" before threw a lot of parties and cooked up a storm, the "me" after has much fewer parties and hardly ever cooks for her friends. The old me would never turn down a chance to socialize while the new me sometimes does.

It got me a bit nostalgic about the past. I know I can't change anything. There will be no magical transformation back to that fun loving, much less complicated person. But maybe I could try and bring a bit of the fun back. Not just for them, but for me. There was a time when I loved having people over. There was a time when I loved cooking for friends. Perhaps I need to try and recapture that feeling.

Perhaps it's time for me to invite some friends over for a BBQ sometime soon.

A Great Idea, Thanks To You!

Have I mentioned recently how amazing my bloggy friends are? Well if I haven't done it lately let me do it now.

You guys are awesome!

I just wrote about not wanting to have a baby shower because it would be a flashback minefield for me. I was pondering doing something after (here's me being hopeful again) the baby is born. I asked for suggestions about what to do and how to avoid calling it a baby shower.

I got some great responses from that post and I learned a thing or two as well. I knew that British women don't really do baby showers (although the idea is growing in popularity), but I didn't realize it was considered bad luck. I also didn't realize that many Jewish people won't do a shower before the baby is born. Although having been to many a baby shower for my Jewish friends I'm guessing this rule is flexible.

I also learned about a Southern US tradition that I had never heard of before. It's called a Sip 'N' See party. According to this website that the lovely SG shared with me, a Sip 'N' See party is a baby shower you have after the baby is born. Guests come over to "sip" drinks and "see" the new baby. It can be casual or more formal and is often done open house style where guests are given a time frame and can come and go as they please.

I absolutely love this idea! It seems like a perfect way to celebrate a new baby without all the painful memories of baby showers past. So thanks to all of you who commented and suggested such a great idea. I will be passing this idea on to my friends who want to throw me a shower.

No Baby Shower For Me

A while back I wrote about the tricky subject of being invited to a baby shower after dealing with infertility or losing a child. Of course in my case, both of these issue apply... lucky me.

I was proud of myself that in the end I was brave enough to say no and not attend. I wrote about that as well, take a read if you wish. Now I'm faced with another baby shower dilemma, do I want one for me?

I knew it was only a matter of time before the idea of having a baby shower was presented to me. I also knew that my answer would have to be no this time. I just can't imagine getting through another baby shower with the memory of what happened the last time still so fresh in my head. When you lose your son 3 weeks after your baby shower, it doesn't exactly make you want to rush out and have another one.

I've been amazed and impressed when reading the blogs of other Baby Loss Moms who don't seem to have this same issue. I've read their posts about their wonderful baby showers and seen them smiling in the photos with total amazement. I know it's never good to compare yourself to others but I wonder how they are able to manage it?

Please don't think I'm judging my fellow BLM's. I would NEVER do that. I'm actually happy for them that they are able to embrace the day and honor their rainbow babies in such a special way with their family and friends. I suppose I'm jealous that they aren't crippled by their fear the way I obviously am. I'm jealous that I can't have a shower for this baby like I was able to do for my son.

Oh how I wish I could get to that place where I could make it through a shower for Frosty without having a total meltdown. That place where I could embrace this pregnancy with the same joy and excitement as my last one. That place where I wasn't so afraid to have anything baby related in my house.

Oh yes, you read that correctly. I can't have ANY baby items in this house before we have an actual living baby in it first.

So no baby shower for me! Not until this baby is born healthy and alive.

Instead, I've agreed to have a shower after (see, here's me being positive) Frosty is born. I don't know anyone who has done this, but I'm sure it happens. I suppose the day will be a bit different than your normal baby shower,,, in fact maybe we won't even call it a baby shower. Maybe I'll have to think of a different name for it.

I'm open to suggestions about what to call it. Also, if you know of anyone else who has done it this way, I'd love to hear how it went.

Outing Myself On Facebook

No, I did not use this photo!

As the title says, I have announced my pregnancy on facebook.

I know many of you are shrieking in horror right now. You're probably thinking, "Not another smug, cheesy, annoying pregnancy announcement!" I can promise you that I did my best to make sure my announcement was none of those things.

I absolutely understand why many of my fellow Baby Loss Mom's and Infertiles are not huge fans of Facebook. It can be a source of pain for many of us. I myself have been known to hide all photos of friends on my list who have just had babies. But at the same time, I do love social networking sites. As someone who lives overseas, I find they really are the best way to keep in touch with family and friends back home.

The Hubby and I are working on embracing this pregnancy. Our little Frosty deserves to have parents who are as happy and excited for his/her arrival as we were when I was pregnant with our son. So in this spirit, I decided to go for it.

I wanted to make sure that my announcement didn't seem smug, cheesy, or annoying. I also wanted to acknowledge where we are in our lives with respect to this new pregnancy. To try and make people aware that while I still struggle with grief, I am also hopeful. I don't want anyone to forget about our firstborn or to think that now that I'm pregnant that everything is wonderful again.

In addition, I wanted to share the term Rainbow Baby with everyone and explain what it means. That's a lot to squeeze into a pregnancy announcement, but I was determined to make it happen.

It took me about a week to find the perfect wording. I searched the web high and low for just the right definition for the term rainbow baby. There are a few floating around, but none of them seemed quite right. So I took a few bits and pieces from what I found elsewhere, and wrote the rest myself. In the end I think it strikes a good balance of expressing my loss while still celebrating the new life growing inside me.

Here's what I posted.  

After every storm there is a rainbow, illuminating the clouds and bringing the color back into what was previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that babies born after a loss are often referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Today I would like to share the news that I am pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. There are days when I still feel like I’m in the middle of the storm, but I’m now dreaming of our rainbow who is due to arrive this June.

I know it's a bit long for a facebook post, but it was important for me to get this message out correctly. Hopefully I've done that. 

Invitation Declined... Phew

As I wrote about a while back, I've been invited to a baby shower this month. If you click on the link you can read in detail just how much turmoil this caused me.

If just can't be bothered, here's the story in a nutshell.

• The last baby shower I went to was my own. 
• My son died 3 weeks later.
• The though of having to attend a baby shower makes me break out in hives.
• I wasn't sure exactly how to say no because I'm a people pleaser.

Ok, so now we're all up to speed.

I've spent a long time thinking about it and have decided that I just can't go. There is still a small part of me that wants to push myself, to not allow myself to hide from things like this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding baby showers because they are usually pretty fun events. Also, I don't like to miss out on a good party,,, ever. But I've decided that this is not the time.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant which means my hormones are all over the place. So the likelihood of crying goes way up. In fact, I started crying on the bus yesterday for no reason at all. I just don't trust my emotions right now. Plus the fact that this is not a good time to be stressing myself out. I'm already scared and stressed enough just being pregnant again. So I'm not exactly in the best state of mind to test or push myself.

I've got plenty of time to put on my big girl panties and act like a mature grown up. Just not now. There's no reason to rush into something that could end up a total disaster. No one wins if that happens and I could end up ruining someones special day. Not good.

So I sent her an email explaining my feelings and why I didn't feel I could come. It was such a relief just to send it. Now it's not hanging over my head anymore. Her reply was very positive. She told me she understands why I can't come and thanked me for telling her my reasons. So either all is well, or she's pissed off and just faking it. Either way I really don't care.

I'm just relieved that I stood up for myself and am only doing things I think I can handle right now. After all, I've got my little Frosty to take care of.

She's Pregnant Too- Oh Joy!

Somehow I knew this would happen.

I'm slowly starting to tell people that I'm pregnant. Last time around I just posted a big announcement on facebook because I figured it was the fastest and easiest way to let everyone know at once. This is especially helpful since I live in a different country than my family and many of my friends. This time around I'm not quite ready to make that big of an announcement just yet. So instead I've been emailing small groups of people and letting them know.

I decided to share the info with a few friends who I know through an organization I'm in. These women all live here in London. One of these women was pregnant at the same time as I was last time. Our due dates were 4 weeks apart. Her son lived,,,, mine did not. She was amazingly supportive at the time and has continued to be a good friend to me. She's not someone I see regularly, but we do get together from time to time.

I have never met her son for reasons I've written about before. It's just too painful to even imagine it. Her son, a living breathing reminder of what I don't have. These two boys who should have been friends and playmates. We have never spoken about the fact that I have yet to meet him. In a way I suppose it's just understood. Either that or she is totally clueless and I'm giving her way too much credit.

Immediately after sending the email my phone rang. It was her calling to congratulate me. She was crying, which made me cry. She wanted me to know just how happy she is for me. I was telling her how sick I've been and apologized for missing a few things on our organization's calendar. She then said to me that she had also missed them because she was sick too.

An alarm went off in my head.

No, it couldn't be..... could it??

So I asked her, "Are you pregnant too?"

"Yes," she said.

Holy crap!! *I didn't say that out loud of course but I was thinking it. 

Instead I offered my congratulations. I said to her that I couldn't believe our timing was the same again. Then I asked how far along she was and she told me that she is 14 weeks.

Holy crap!! *Again, I didn't say this out loud.

As it turns out, our due dates are 3 days apart this time. So we get to be pregnant together again. Oh joy! She even suggested that we start doing pregnancy yoga together like we did last time. Oh joy!

I am of course happy for her, but I'm less than thrilled to be sharing another pregnancy with her. I didn't want to share this pregnancy with any of my friends (I know,,, selfish of me) because I know how it feels when things go wrong. The strain it can put on a friendship. But I especially didn't want to be sharing this pregnancy with either of the two friends I shared it with the last time.

It's all too painfully familiar. Flashbacks of last time around. The two of us with our baby bumps spending time together. Making plans for playdates. Remembering the look on her face when she came to visit me after my son died. Still pregnant and glowing, with puffy eyes from crying. There was a fear behind her smile. I know she was just hoping that it wouldn't happen to her too. Yet she still came to see me, fear and all.

I don't want to go there again. I don't want to remember how that time felt. More importantly, I don't want to re-live that experience. I'm already scared enough this pregnancy. Another loss would be crushing, but to have to watch her have another baby after another loss would just be too much. I realize that I'm doing worst case scenario here,,,, but when you've actually lived the worst case it seems much less far-fetched.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm not happy about it at all. I will do my best to get over myself because there's nothing I can do at this point. 

I wonder if I'm going to get a call or email from my other friend who was pregnant with me the last time announcing her pregnancy?? That would be just my luck wouldn't it?

*Pouring my heart out with Shell at http://www.thingsicantsay.com

Pop Goes My Bubble

I think sometimes I float around in a bubble of denial. I convince myself that I'm happy and I'm doing better.

• I'm functioning at a pretty high level. 
• I'm getting out and doing things. 
• I'm making new friends. 
• I'm not crying every day. Well maybe that one is a lie but I'm not crying as much. 
• I'm injecting myself with needles every third day with ease. 
• I'm somehow managing to juggle regular life with my ongoing frozen embryo cycle. 
• I'm somehow managing to control my grief and not let the fear of a potential new pregnancy paralyze me. 

It's all going swimmingly until something comes into contact with my bubble. It's very fragile to start with so it doesn't take much.

POP!

That's the sound of my bubble bursting. 

That's what happened to me last night.

I went out to an event with my women's club. It was a fun, social event. Everyone was busy chatting about being back in town and getting back into the swing of things. Soon the conversation turned to children. 

I sat listening to people talking about their new play dates and all the new friends they are making through their children. Someone was talking about the holidays and having a lunch and just letting all the kids run around and play. Talking about all the fun things there are to do in London with kids. 

As I sat listening I suddenly felt like they are living on a different planet than I am. Or maybe just a different dimension. Like in those science fiction shows where there are multiple time lines and everyone is existing in a different one. 

I live in the same town as they do. I attend many of the same social gatherings as they do. But somehow I am still left out of a massive part of life. There is a whole part of the world where I have no place. It's the place where parents and their living children are. It's a place where I am completely left out. 

I'm never invited to play dates or children's birthday parties where I can sit and drink wine and gossip while my son plays with the other children. I don't do the school run and chat with the other Moms at the school gates. I am unable to make new friends at my child's school. I don't have big parties where all the kids run around in the back garden. 

Why? Because I don't have a living child. Because I don't fit. Because I have yet to be granted membership into the Mommy and Daddy Club. Sure, I'm a member of the Baby Loss Mom's Club but who wants to join me there?? No one!

All this happy chatter made me realize just how much of life I am missing out on. How much of life I'm excluded from. So in addition to my grief and anxiety for this upcoming cycle, I am now feeling very alone. 

Alone in a crowd. Which is not a very nice place to be.

*Pouring my heart out with Shell over at Things I Can't Say.

The Elephant In The Room

It's so nice when all my friends come back from their summer holidays. Life as an expat reminds me very much of my college/university days in that respect. Some people go back home for the summer and others stay around but travel quite a bit. So it's hard to connect with people because you never know who's in town. But once September rolls around everyone comes back and it's time to reconnect.

It's a bit strange to see everyone again.

• To see who got a great summer tan. 
• To see who got a new haircut. 
• To see all the cute new clothes someone bought back in the US. 
• To see who is now pregnant. Ugh!

New pregnancies are super exciting, but for me this type of conversation is soooooo painful. I smile and nod and ask all the right questions, but inside I just wish we could change the subject.

It's harder because I haven't told many people that we are trying for another baby. Only a handful of people know and I'd rather keep it that way for now. So this makes these conversations even harder for me because when people ask what I'm up to I have to partially lie and say not much. If only they knew. But I don't want them to know and so I feel like I'm hiding something. I hate feeling like that.

It's a bit easier for me to hide our efforts because NO ONE asks. Don't get me wrong, they want to know. I know this because my close friends tell me that they get asked all the time if I'm going to try again. I'm actually surprised sometimes to learn who is making these enquiries. It's not always the people I would expect.

But no one would dare ask me.

 Because I'm the woman whose baby died.

And you don't dare ask her things like that because you may make her cry. 

 
So at least I don't have to lie directly.

But it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes.

• Because I can see the question in their eyes. 
• It's on the tip of their tongues. 
• If only they had the nerve to ask it. 
• If only they could figure out a way to make the question seem casual. 
• If only they could bring up something that would make me start talking about it.
• But they don't. 
• They never do. 

Instead I see them struggling to find something else to talk to me about. When all the while they are just hoping that I bring it up. It's the big elephant in the room. And since I'm not talking about it, they aren't either.

I hate that feeling.

The One Where I End A Friendship?

Life as an expat has isn't always easy. You move far away from family and friends. You have to learn a new culture and in some cases a new language. You are desperate for any connection to home. As a result, in most countries, the expat community is a very close knit one. Bonds are formed fast and quick.

Oh, you're from my country?? Oh, you like drinking wine? Oh, you are free for lunch on Tuesday?? All these things can be the basis for the beginning of a friendship. Expats are like college freshmen, searching for new connections far from home. We cling to each other like long lost family members. Any connection, no matter how slim, warrants invitations and hopes for the future.

We are all lost souls looking for connection, and we cling to each other. We form friends in fast-forward. Skipping the normal getting to know you process and vetting by other friends. After all, most of us have no other local friends. We need each other in a way that no one else can understand unless they have been a foreigner in a strange land.

As a result an acquaintance can quickly rise up the ranks to become your BFF. You form an intense intimacy that doesn't exist in many places beyond college and summer camp.

At first it feels great. You are welcomed to your new community with gusto. You get invited to parties and lunches. You feel like people want to get to know you. You form fast connections and feel much less homesick.

But what happens after the flush of new friendship wears off? What happens when you really get to know your new friends? What if you decide that you don't really like them after all? What do you do then?

That my friends in bloggyland is the dilemma I am currently facing. I have been an expat for almost 6 years now and have seen many new friends come and go. I am familiar with the idea that as an expat you are constantly making new friends to replace the ones who move away. But in all my years I've not been in the situation I find myself in now.

How do I extricate myself from a friendship that I no longer want to be in? I recently told you all about this person. Probably not everything, but if you read my previous post you will get an idea of what I'm talking about.

I made friends with this person shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my son. She was there through it all, and now she has let me down. Not just in the ways I've written about, but in other ways as well. Not being kind to people I consider friends. Not being the kind of person I thought she was.

I don't think I want to be friends with her anymore. But it's complicated by the fact that we're part of a very small community. A community that talks and gossips.

I hate drama. The last thing I need is for her to go around telling people that I cut her off because I couldn't handle that she was pregnant. That has nothing to do with it. Sure, the timing is bad,,,,, but the truth is that this was coming long before she shared her news with me. But to end the friendship now, I just know she would think it was due to her pregnancy.

I know, I know,,,, you will tell me that I should have an honest conversation with her and tell her how I feel. Trust me, if I thought that she would listen or be even the slightest bit receptive I would give it a shot. But I know her... she's very defensive and does not respond well to criticism.

In no time flat my feelings would get twisted in a way to make her the victim and me the crazy lady whose baby died and can't be happy for anyone else. This is not what I want. So I've got some decisions to make.

How to extricate myself without causing unnecessary drama?? Is that even possible?? Ugh,,,, It's too much to even think about right now. 

Thanks for listening.

When Newly Pregnant Friends Say Stupid Things

What do you do when someone close to you says something completely insensitive? That's the question I've been asking myself ever since my lunch with the girls today.

I had a lunch scheduled today with three friends, two who I know very well and one who I am just getting to know. It's been planned for a while now and even though I did just get the bad news yesterday that my donor egg IVF cycle was a bust, I was looking forward to it.

To help make this story make sense I'm going to give them nicknames and also give you a bit of background.

• Friend A- Is a close friend. She's been with me through my pregnancy and the death of my son. She knows all about my struggles with infertility and the fact that I was doing an IVF cycle. She knew I had my beta test yesterday but I had not told her the results yet. She is also newly pregnant and I knew but the 2 other ladies did not. I am absolutely thrilled and happy for her.
• Friend B- Is also a close friend. She met me after my son died but is well aware of my loss and my struggles with infertility. She also knew about my IVF cycle. Unlike friend A, she already knew my test results were negative because I told her a few hours after I found out. She is an infertility veteran as well. She now has two beautiful children but only after years of struggling. 
• Friend C- Is new to town and we are all just getting to know her. She does not have any children. We know through a mutual friend that she has had an ongoing struggle with infertility. Apparently it is a very sensitive subject and she has never spoken with any of us about it.

So basically you've got 3 infertiles and 1 newly pregnant fertile sitting at a table. What could possibly go wrong??

Anyway, because I don't know Friend C very well I didn't want to talk about my failed IVF cycle in front of her. Partly because I know she has her own issues with fertility, but mostly because it's private and I don't share my struggles with just anyone. So conversation during this lunch was mostly small talk and chit chat. Not that there's anything wrong with that,, in fact sometimes it's nice to simply enjoy light hearted conversation.

Near the end of the meal, Friend C left the table to "powder her nose." I took this opportunity to tell Friend A about my negative pregnancy test. She expressed her sympathy and asked how I was doing and what we're going to do next. I quickly told her about our frosty and how we can try again as soon as I get my period this month. Friend C came back to the table and we changed the subject.

A few minutes later Friend A decided to share her pregnancy news with Friend B and Friend C. Of course they were happy to hear this wonderful news. They offered their congratulations and asked all the normal questions. After sharing how far along she was, when she's due, and telling us how she is definitely going to find out the sex of the baby she throws out this gem.

"Yes, well we weren't going to start trying until August, but it was our anniversary night and we'd had a bunch of wine and it just happened a bit earlier than we had planned."

Just like that, she throws out one of those flippant comments about how "oops" we got pregnant without really trying. To a table full of women who have all struggled to get and stay pregnant.

She says this to the group and to me,,,,, not 5 minutes after I just shared with her that my donor egg IVF cycle had failed. The first time I had tried after losing my son. I was in shock and felt like she punched me in the stomach and then slapped me in the face.

Is she serious? Did it not even occur to her for a second that it might not be appropriate to comment on how easy it was for her to accidentally get pregnant a few months before she was going to start trying for real? Did it not occur to her that I was only 1 day away from my own bad news? Did it not occur to her that Friend B and Friend C have both had issues with infertility? Did it not occur to her that a comment like this could really hurt our feelings?

You could justify it a little by saying that she may not be fully aware of what Friend B and Friend C have gone through. I don't actually know what she knows about their struggles. But I do know that she if fully aware of mine. She has been there for a big part of it. And yet she still makes such an insensitive stupid thing?? I would expect this type of comment from someone I don't know very well. But I would never have expected a comment like this from her. Someone who is supposedly a good friend.

I just don't get it?

What would you do?

The Kindness of Acquaintances

There is much talk about the kindness of close friends. There is also much talk about the kindness of strangers. But what about the kindness of those people who exist in between? Those people who we know and see, but not very well. People we would call acquaintances?

This post is about exactly that. It's about someone who caught me by surprise. Someone who I wouldn't expect to be thinking about me. But she was.

As I have mentioned before, I belong to an expat women's club. The women I have met through this club have been my lifeline,,,, both before and (especially) after losing my son last August. In a huge city like London, this club has brought me a sense of community and security. 

I went to our club's monthly wine tasting event. As it's a recurring event, I know all the women there. But not all of them are what I would consider my close friends. Tonight I sat next to the woman who organizes the event. Although I don't know her well, I met her when I was pregnant with my son and she is aware of what happened.

"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, " she says, "I was wondering how your Mother's day was?"

Wow!!!

Did she really just ask me that?? In person and everything???

"Not great," I say, "It was pretty rough, but I managed my way through it." I told her. I shared her about how difficult every holiday has been since losing my son. I talked about how Easter had snuck up on me and how much it sucked to have to deal with two Mother's days. 

She squeezed my hand and told me how sorry she was for my loss.

I was so touched. I mean, I don't see her every day, and I certainly don't share my grief with her. But she still thought about me that day. And she thought about me enough to ask me about it tonight.

I was overcome with gratitude. I thanked her for asking (as I tried desperately not to cry). I shared with her my sadness that more people don't ask me about my loss. They are afraid to hurt my feelings, when in truth my feelings are already crushed in a million pieces and no question asked by a caring friend is going to make things any worse.

Again, she squeezed my hand and told me that she was there for me if I ever wanted to talk. It made me feel so good, and so loved,,,,, by someone I hardly know.

It reminded me that people do still care. They do still think about my loss. Even when it seems that the whole world had moved on. It hasn't. It's just that most people don't want to mention it anymore. They are afraid to remind me of what I have lost. But not everyone. There are still a few people who are willing to reach out.

It was a great night. A night when I learned to appreciate the kindness of acquaintances.

So for those of you who are reading this who know someone who has suffered a loss..... please don't be afraid to let them know you are thinking about them. It will make their day,,,,, I promise!

The One Where I Lie to My Friends

I have a confession to make,,,, a friend is moving back to the US and even though I pretend to be sad about it, I am actually happy she's going!

I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I can't help myself. It's amazingly selfish and if any of my friends in real life knew they would be very upset with me. They would be horrified that I could think such a horrible thing about someone I call my friend. It would probably change their view of me completely. So I hide it. I keep it to myself and pray that no one discovers my dark secret.

So what is this friend's crime?? What has she done to make me so happy that she's moving so far away?

Three words

HER BABY LIVED

Yes, it's a simple as that. We were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were a month apart. We had all these plans about our babies being friends. She was having a girl and I was having a boy and we joked about them being boyfriend and girlfriend. We were going to join the same playgroup. We were on the same path.

Until that horrible day.

"There's no heartbeat." 

Those words uttered at my 36 week growth scan changed everything for the hubby and me. 

But not for her. Her baby girl lived, and is here,,, on this earth,,, in her arms. While my son looks down on me from heaven.

I can only hold him in my heart.

She and her daughter are walking reminders of what I have lost. In fact, in the 9 months since my son died (yes, it's been 9 months now) I have yet to meet her daughter. I can't meet her daughter. In fact, we had a near miss a few weeks ago and it nearly sent me into a crying frenzy.

So I pretend...
That I will miss her.
That I'm sad to see her go.
That our group of friends will never be the same without her.
When really, I can't wait for her to be gone.

So that I don't have to see the awkward looks on people's faces when they are in the same room with the two of us. Knowing the struggle they are going through.

• Dying to ask her about her baby, but not wanting to hurt my feelings.
• Wanting to invite people over but knowing she may not have a babysitter and knowing that I can't be in the same room as her daughter. 
• Feeling like they somehow have to make a choice whether to see me or her based on her childcare situation. 
• Feeling like they are stuck in the middle of this horribly awkward situation. Where her baby lived an mine died. 
• Trying to be good friends to each of us while not hurting the feelings of the other. 

I don't envy their situation. I try to put myself in their shoes,,,,, but I'm too close. I am unable to think objectively. So as much as I like this friend (and believe it or not, I really do) her move is a huge relief. Because I get to keep the friends.

And I really need them right now.

As horrible as it is to say this,,,, I need them more than she does. So I'm lying to everyone. Saying how much I will miss her and how sad I am to see her go. When really I'm just counting down the days.

So I'm a liar, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. Even though all I'm really trying to do is survive.

The London Marathon

Today was the London Marathon. I volunteered to help cheer on the team running for Great Ormond Street Hospital. For those of you who don't already know, Great Ormond Street is an amazing children's hospital here in London. So when I found out they needed people to help cheer their runners, I jumped at the chance.

They gave us these bright purple T-Shirts to wear. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead in a bright purple T-Shirt, but for today I made an exception.

We got these purple inflatable noisemakers to help cheer the runners on. They were actually a lot louder than they look.

Every time we saw a runner wearing these tops we cheered like crazy!

It was an amazing day. We cheered for wheelchair racers, racers with prosthetic limbs, and even racers wearing some crazy costumes.

Oh, and we also cheered for my friends husband who was running for a different charity. 

I felt inspired! But not inspired enough to run a marathon,,,,, I'm not that crazy!

This post is my way of participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays even though I'm a day late.

The One Where I'm Being Childish And I Don't Care.

You know how on the show Friends, each episode was named "The one where......... ?" Well this post is being written Friend's style. If I like this new style of titling posts I may keep it for a while.

So here's the one where I'm being completely childish and I don't care.

I have a group of friends who I have met since living here in the UK. We are part of an alumni group for the sorority I was in back in college. We didn't all go to the same university, nor are we the same age. But we all joined the same sorority in our day and have all moved somewhere in Europe. So we get together from time to time to catch up. It's an amazing group of women of all ages and backgrounds. I really enjoy our time together and usually look forward to our get togethers.

Usually.

But not this time.

Every spring we have a London theatre event. We pick a matinee show with a happy theme. We do lunch before and drinks afterwards. It's a really good time. Usually.

Last year there were two of us who were pregnant. I was due in September and "Jill" was due in October. So before the show we had a lunch that doubled as a baby shower. There were games, and presents, and cake. Pictures were taken showing us proudly displaying our baby bumps while holding some of our gifts. We both joked about how our babies loved the show and kicked the whole way through. It was a lovely day.

This year's plans are in the process of being made. The show is Shrek the Musical. But there is one big change. Instead of doing lunch at a restaurant, it will be at "Jill's" house. You see, "Jill" lives very close to the theatre and decided it would be fun for everyone to get together at her place. That way we can chat more and also save a bit of money.

I have two problems with this.

1. Last year we did a baby shower as a part of this weekend so inevitably I will have some flashbacks about it. This will make the day difficult for me.
2. If the lunch is going to be at "Jill's" house then there is a 100% chance that "Jill's" son will be there. A baby that I have not been able to even imagine myself meeting. This baby was going to be friends with my son. He is a living breathing reminder of what I don't have.

Here's where the childish bit comes in. I am not going to be attending this year's event.

Because I don't want to have to struggle through a reminder of what last year was and what this year isn't. Because I can't bear to sit in a house and watch everyone fawn all over "Jill's" cute baby. Because I can't bear to listen to all the questions about how he's doing, and what he's eating, and if he's sleeping. Because I think if I have to see "Jill" lovingly hold her baby and share him with the world, I may jump out of a window. 

Because I don't want to.

But I'm not brave enough to tell them I'm not coming yet. So I said maybe and now I am dodging phone calls trying to confirm my attendance.

See,,, I told you I'm being childish.

And I don't care!

I don't care if they get mad that I'm not responding. I don't care if "Jill" gets her feelings hurt and thinks I'm not coming because of her. I don't care if everyone figures out that I'm hiding from babies and reminders of babies.

I'm not going and you can't make me!

See,,, I told you I'm being childish.

Happy List

Once again I'm participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays. I've taken a few weeks off because sometimes it's hard to come up with happy things. But not this week. So here goes.

1. My bag-o-meds. I'm not at all happy about having to inject myself (I haven't gone totally crazy). But I'm happy that we have a plan. This bag represents a path forward, hope, and optimism. I do wish that our plan didn't involve needles, but hey,,,, I've been through much worse.

2. Clear tubes. I can't believe I'm posting this photo a second time. But they mean we can move forward with our egg donation + IVF cycle. And that's a good thing.

3. Sunny days. Please note that this photo was taken on a holiday to Dubai last year,,, this is not London. But a sunny day in London makes me feel like I'm on holiday. And holidays make me happy.

4. Wine with friends. Such a nice way to spend an evening. And some macaroons if you've got them. Again, this photo was taken on a weekend away in France. I think the fact that I'm digging out old holiday photos means I need to plan another one soon.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

Friends and Date Nights

As I have mentioned before, I find it much easier to write when I'm sad. I don't always want to write about sad things though. So I'm happy to be participating in a blog hop hosted by Natasha at My Angel Baby... Aiden William. In this hop we talk about the things that have made us happy this week.

So what's made me happy this week?

Friendships- Both new and old.
I have found that some of my friendships have changed since losing my son.  Although I'm lucky that most of my close friends have stuck around and are very supportive.

I have found some acquaintances no longer seem comfortable being stuck in a one-on-one conversation with me. I suppose that's not a huge surprise. What has been a great surprise is to see how some of my old friendships have strengthened in ways I didn't expect.

I have one friend in particular who I always liked but we were never really close. She reached out to me in my darkest hour. She has her own struggles she is dealing with as well. Not having to do with the death of a baby, but very painful struggles nonetheless.

We have bonded over our pain. We share our stories in a way that maybe we don't do with the people we see all the time. I'm not saying that all we do is cry when we're together. But we do cry, and we talk about our deepest fears and obstacles, and we laugh, and drink wine, and have fun.. I think we both feel safe talking about anything when we're together. Then we go back to our "usual" friends and live our normal "putting on our happy face" lives. I don't see her all the time, but whenever I do I walk away feeling loved.

I have also had the chance to meet a fellow Baby Loss Mom. We connected via Twitter. We are both expats living here in London so we are having to navigate this journey of grief and loss without the benefit of having our families close by. I found out she lived close by so we met for breakfast this week. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone in real life who gets it. We talked about our babies and how we are trying to move forward in our lives. I haven't participated in any support groups yet so this was one of the first times I've been able to talk to someone who walks in my shoes. I am so glad we connected, and I hope we will do it again soon. She lost her precious daughter Pippa in February and has just started her own blog. Here's a link if you want to read more about her Missing Pippa.

Date Nights
The hubby and I are going out for dinner tonight. It may not seem like a big deal, but I really enjoy when we get out and do things together. After almost 13 years of marriage it's nice to get dressed up and leave the house on a Saturday night once in a while. We usually don't get out on the weekends unless we've made plans with friends. So a dinner just with the two of us will be nice. Now I've just got to figure out what to wear.  

What We Can Learn From Earthquakes

I am glued to my TV today watching the aftermath of the earthquake in Japan. I have a good friend who lives in Tokyo. She moved there a few months ago from London and has never experienced an earthquake before. Thankfully she and her family are ok, but what a scare!

Things like this remind me just how precious life is. Live every day to it's fullest. You never know when an earthquake will strike. Or a hurricane. Or a tornado. Or a tsunami.

Or the death of a child.

Your life can change in an instant. So don't take anything for granted. Don't wait until tomorrow to do something fun or tell someone you love them. Do it today.

Girl's Weekend- Fun, Food, and Surprising Opinions

I got back yesterday from an amazing weekend in Brussels. It was ladies only and the seven of us had an absolute blast. It was so nice to get away. Nice to get out of London, get away from my daily routine, and take a weekend off from my grief. When you're out with seven lively ladies, there's not much time to think about grief and dead babies, and that's just what I needed.

We stayed at a great hotel right in the middle of town. We ate at some amazing restaurants. We slept late. We drank a LOT. We laughed and shopped. We talked about our families and husbands. We even ran into a bunch of people who work at the US embassy at a bar. Talk about surreal, we're in a bar in Brussels and we run into a bunch of diplomats and embassy personnel. They were a fun group and seemed quite happy to hear another American accent so far from home.

There was one interesting moment at dinner. In my last post here on Friday I was asking for advice about how much of my egg donation journey I should share with people. Most of you wisely advised me to keep things private for now as I can always tell more later but can't "untell" people. So I took this advice and didn't over share,,,, even after several glasses of wine/beer/champagne.

Somehow at dinner the topic of Kelly Preston and John Travolta came up. The talk was of the fact that she recently had a baby even though she's almost 50. One of the ladies in our group said, "I'm sure she used an egg donor." My heart dropped and I tried to keep a straight face. Another friend disagreed and said that women can get pregnant even in their late 40's. I am now listening intently to this line of conversation, trying to will myself not to say anything. In this group of seven, only myself and my two close friends know about my journey. The other four women at the table have no idea.

After a bit of back and forth about what types of fertility assistance the Travoltas may or may not have had, one of my friends says, "I think it's wrong to mess around with nature too much."

Wow, I think to myself, did she really just say that??? It never would have occurred to me that she would have such a surprisingly strong opinion on the topic of assisted reproduction. I don't know her that well, but considering she's the mother of three children I think it's safe to say that she has not had to deal with infertility. So where in the world does that kind of judgement come from?

For me it was a good reminder that people out there do have opinions. Even very nice people that we see and interact with on a daily basis. So for now I think I will keep things just between my family, my close friends, and of course all of you!

Other than that one conversation, it was a great weekend. I'm so glad I went!

How Much Do I Share?

I am happy that we now have a plan. I am happy that this plan seems to be our best chance of having a healthy living baby that we get to bring home with us this time. The part I struggle with now is how much to share with the people I know in real life?

Egg donation is still a pretty new thing. While I know lots of people who have done IUI, IVF, and even adoption, I don't know anyone who has used any kind of donor. I tend to be a bit of an open book when it comes to my infertility and loss journey, but this time I feel I need to carefully consider what I say.

I have only told my family and 2 very close friends so far and they were all amazingly supportive. But the expat community is a rather tight knit group. A bit like a small town, or living in the dorms in college where everyone know everyone else's business. As a result of this tight knit community, I have a rather large group of friends. Normally this is a great thing, but in this case I feel the need for some discretion.

As with any small town-type environment, there are a lot of friendly faces around. There is also a lot of gossip and judgement. The last thing I want is for my major life decisions to become fodder for gossip. I also am in no place to be able to handle any kind of negativity or judgement. I may be getting stronger, but I'm still very sensitive and vulnerable.


It's not that I'm ashamed that if we have another child it won't be genetically related to me. My life has been completely shatterd by the death of my son. I would do anything to be able to bring home a happy, healthy baby. It's just that I'm not sure I want everyone to know exactly how we did it. I have this vision of people meeting my child and immediately trying to see if he or she doesn't look like me. I imagine conversations where people say things like, "Well they did a good job picking out a donor because that baby looks like it belongs to them," or "That baby looks nothing like her, good thing he/she looks like his/her father." 

Perhaps I'm being overly paranoid. Perhaps this is what adoptive parents think about too. Perhaps I'm not giving myself and others enough credit. Or perhaps this is exactly what people will say and do and I don't want to have to deal with it.

Perhaps I need more time before making this decision.

I'm going to Brussels with some friends this weekend for a girl's weekend. Let's hope I can keep my big mouth shut after a few glasses of wine.