A Fresh Start

In preparation for our big move back to the USA we have been de-cluttering. Going through drawers and dark cupboards throwing away all the things we saved thinking we would want someday. I am amazed at how much clutter a family of 3 can manage to collect.

It can be very freeing to get rid of old stuff. I think we tend to collect it because it feels comfortable and sometimes a clean sweep is just what we need. I love the look of a newly cleaned shelf (with lots of space to buy new stuff to shove there someday). It somehow feels like a fresh start.

All was going well until I stumbled across my trusty Bag O Meds. If you've even done any kind of fertility treatment you will be familiar with this, in fact you may have one of your own. Its the bag you put all your various medications and needles in when you're in the middle of treatment.

I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but getting rid of this bag before I have another healthy baby in the house is hard for me. It almost feels arrogant to assume that just because I'm 22 weeks pregnant that all will be well and I will never need to inject myself with another vial of progesterone in oil again. Obviously that is the dream, but I know all too well that pregnancy can go wrong at any time.

So what to do with the bag and it's contents? US customs and immigration rules are very strict these days. You can't even bring food into the country in your shipment due to new bio-terrorism laws. I'm sure they would make exceptions for medicine, but do I really want to take a chance that our whole shipment will be held up in customs just for a superstition? I could carry it on the plane with me as I have done so many times before when I was in treatment, but with all the other luggage we will have it seems impractical.

When I asked The Hubby for advice he shrugged and said to dump it. He seemed confused at my hesitation. I then reminded him that I didn't get rid of the lupron left over from Frostina's IVF cycle until after she was home from the hospital. In fact, when I dug Bag O Meds out from the garage to stuff it full of medication for the cycle we just did with Baby Olea it still had progesterone and del estrogen bottles in it, expired of course.

So getting rid of it all; the needles, and the alcohol swabs, and the cotton balls, and the bandaids, and the vials of medication, and the injection schedule I got from the clinic; getting rid of it all before Baby Olea is with us is a tough one for me. Because I would rather hold onto it (just in case she says in a whisper).

But holding onto this particular bag in this particular set of circumstances just isn't practical. So I took a deep breath, grabbed a trash bag, and got to work emptying the bag. It was easy and it was hard.

I'd like to say that when it was done I felt more free. That I was happy to have a clean sweep and a fresh start. In reality I have anxiety about it. It's silly I know. If the retention of specific objects could keep babies alive then none of would ever find ourselves in the Baby Loss Mom's Club in the first place. But I found comfort in the ritual.

So now I've just got to move on and try to enjoy my fresh start.

The Same, But Very Different

I've started my Lupron injections which means my current donor egg IVF cycle is officially underway.

There are lots of ways that this cycle feels very much like the ones we did a couple of years ago. I have dug out my Bag 'O Meds from the garage and filled it up with a new batch of medication, needles, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, bandaids, and of course my sharps container. I have printed my injection schedule and am crossing off the days as they go.

I'm feeling like I remember feeling the last time I started on all the hormones. I have been crying at stupid things like X-Factor. Not that X-Factor is stupid of course, but it's nothing to cry over. I'm nervous and excited just like last time as well.

But this cycle is very different than last time for one huge reason; and that reason is Frostina.

It is very different going through an IVF cycle when you have a living child to take care of. The last time around I was broken and lonely and absolutely desperate for a living child. Not just to fill the hole left in my heart when my son died, but to finally complete our family. I spent hours upon hours obsessing over every detail of my upcoming cycle. I had everything mapped out. I had a special place to do my injections and quite a bit of mental warm up before each one. I was focused.

This time around I just don't have the time to be obsessed. I don't have the time to calm myself mentally before doing each injection. I don't have time to focus. This time around I have to work them around Frostina and her needs.

This means that my daily injections look a bit like this.

1. Wait until after Frostina has finished her morning milk. Otherwise she will run around the room with her sippy cup leaving a trail of milk in her wake.
2. Put a children's program on the TV (hooray for the electronic babysitter).
3. Quickly dash out of the room when she's not looking and go to my bedroom.
4. Collect Bag 'O Meds from the closet (where I have to hide it from Frostina).
5. Unpack meds and do injection.
6. If Frostina starts crying before I'm done, try my best to ignore her and hurry up.
7. Clean up, making sure not to leave anything behind that Frostina can get her hands on.
8. Go back out to the living room and hope she hasn't managed to get into anything she wasn't supposed to when I was gone. 

Thankfully once the Lupron is done I can do the rest of the injections in the evening after Frostina has gone to bed. That will make things much more calm.

And So It Begins

Well I'm officially on my way. I started on birth control pills today which is the first step in the process.

They put me on birth control pills to synch my cycle with the egg donor's. That way we can start taking all our medications in synch. We do this so that when she is ready for egg retrieval, my body is ready to hold the embryos. It's very complicated and I'm sure part of the reason that things like this are so expensive.

I don't have my complete schedule just yet, but taking this first step feels like we're finally getting this thing started. And that's a good feeling.

Just Bin It

Having lived in England for 6 and a half years I've picked up some of the lingo. One of the terms I love is to bin it which means to throw something away. I'm not sure why I like this one so much, but I do. 

Back in January I was cleaning out my fridge and came across a bottle or Lupron left over from our IVF cycles. I wrote about how I was unable to throw it away "just in case" something went wrong and I needed to use it again. I was so worried that things wouldn't go to plan and I would be back at step one again.

Today I was doing a bit of fridge cleanup again. Side note... this makes my life sound soooo exciting doesn't it?? I found the bottle hiding in the same spot. I suddenly remembered exactly how I felt back in January.

Back in January when I was filled with so much fear. Filled with so much worry. Filled with so many what ifs. I was worried that by throwing away the bottle I was somehow testing fate. That getting rid of it would seem smug and way too confident. So I kept the bottle, even though my logical mind knew that simply keeping or not keeping medicine in your fridge has no influence on the outcome of a pregnancy.

But today is different. Today I am holding my precious rainbow baby in my arms. Today I know the outcome, and I have no need to hold onto fertility medications in my fridge. Especially since the bottle expired in April.

So what did I do??

I tossed it into the bin, and I smiled while I was doing it.

Done With The Meds

Last night I "shot the pooper" for the last time. So as of today I am officially off the IVF hormones. I am done with needles and suppositories and all the crazy mood swings that go along with the hormones contained within them.

Wait, I'm pregnant right?? Right, so the crazy hormonal mood swings will most likely continue. But at least they will be due to my own crazy hormones and not due to the extra ones I've been pumping through my body.

Surprisingly I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Mostly I'm relieved. Keeping the schedule of injections and all the rest of it is stressful. It will be nice to live my life without that constant fear that I will miss a dose and jeopardize everything.

I can't tell you how many times I had to wrack my brain to make sure I had indeed done my injection that day. It's a stress that I no longer have to worry about.

It does feel strange though. I've been digging into my bag-o-meds on a daily basis since August,,, and that's just the meds for this cycle. So it will be a huge relief to not have to bother with it all.

It also means I'm approaching my second trimester. A fact that seems amazing to me. How has it already been that long? Not that it seems like yesterday when I got my first positive test, but it's already been almost 3 months? Really??? I'm approaching my second trimester? Wow, that denial thing I'm doing is working really well.I seem to have lost all sense of passing time.

I am slightly scared to be off all the meds though. It's my understanding that they have you take the hormones after the transfer to help your body keep the pregnancy going. Obviously I'm no doctor and I'm sure I'm not saying it quite right, but you get what I mean. There is a part of me that has felt a bit more secure knowing I was taking a bit of extra hormones to keep my little Frosty on board. Now that I'm off the hormones I have to depend on my own body to do the same thing.

I know that pregnancy is unpredictable and the hormones wouldn't have kept anything from happening if that is what was meant to be. But the extra medication feels like a bit of a security blanket. There is a small part of me that wonders what harm would come if I just took the hormones for an extra day or two. Or an extra week?

As tempting as it may seem, I will not be taking my medication beyond what my Doctor has prescribed. I don't know if it would be harmful to take the hormones after the recommended date. Maybe they have you stop now because it would be bad to continue. The last thing I want is to do anything to cause harm to Frosty.

The other reason I won't take the hormones past today is because at some point I've got to go off them. I suspect I will be a bit scared whenever that day is. So no matter if it's today, or two days from now I've still got to do it. A leap of faith if you will. Trusting that my body will start doing it's job without help from supplemental progesterone and estrogen. Trusting that this time things will end well. Now that's a tall order isn't it??

My Super-Classy Infertility Glossary

Fertility treatments,,,,,,, ahhhhh good times! I don't know many people who have gone through them who don't look back in horror at some of the indignities they entail.

I know, I know,,, you will tell me that bringing home a healthy baby is worth all the needle sticking and vaginal probing. And I'm not one to disagree. If in fact I am able to bring this baby home so it can cry all night and poop and pee on me I will be eternally grateful. However that does not take away from some of the things I've chosen to endure in order to get there.

What I'd like to talk about today is the actual process of getting pregnant via these doctor-assisted means. If anyone had told me that someday I'd be injecting myself with needles and doing twice daily suppositories in order to get and stay pregnant, I'd have told them they were crazy. It truly is amazing the things we are asked to do on the quest for our take-home babies.

I have found over the years that the only way to cope with losing what was left of my dignity is to laugh and make jokes. To that effect, I have given the various bits and bobs of my infertility journey nicknames. Nicknames that I am now going to share with all of you. An infertility glossary of sorts. I should probably preface this by saying that I am super classy and so of course my glossary is full of very classy terminology (insert sarcasm here).

Still interested? Then read on, but you have been warned!

Auntie Flo- Your period, which either comes when you don't want it to. Like when you're hoping you might actually be pregnant. Or doesn't come when you do want it to. Like when you're wanting to start a new IVF cycle.

My bag-o-meds.

Bag-O-Meds- The giant bag you end up having to buy to house all your super-expensive IVF drugs.

Beta Test- A form of torture. You think you might be pregnant (especially if you've cheated already and peed on a stick) but you still have to take the blood test to see if your hormone levels agree. If you get a 0 then you're out. If you get anything besides a 0 then you have to test several more times to see if your cycle was a success or a failure. It's a long drawn out process and even then you end up having to wait for the ultrasound to see if you're actually pregnant.

Collection Room- The one and only sacrifice our dear husbands have to make. And when I say sacrifice I am laughing hysterically. This is the room where you hubby goes to wack off into a cup. My hubby has been in many of these and tells me that the quality of both the accommodations and reading material can vary widely depending on the facility. From the bathroom of a lab with no dirty magazines to the Rolls Royce of all collection rooms which has leather reclining chairs, porn on demand on the TV, and a remote control. He thinks that a tour of this room should be done before final clinic selection.

Egg Donor- An angel from heaven. A woman who decides to donate her eggs so that sad, sorry, grieving, over 40, infertile women like me can have a baby. I believe there should be a special place in heaven for egg and sperm donors.

Frosty- Our little frozen embryo who has decided to stick around for the past 10 weeks. I am hoping and praying that our little frosty grows into our take-home rainbow baby who will cry all night and pee and poop on us.

IVF- A process that relieves you of your future children's college money before they are even conceived. Unless you are lucky enough to have health coverage that pays for it, in which case I am super jealous and am not sure I can be friends with you!

My jabby jab survival kit.

Jabby Jab- All the injections you have to do along the way. Some are tiny needles and go into your belly. Others are large needles and go into your leg or hip muscles. Some of you have your husbands or friends do them for you. Others, like me, have to jab yourselves. Either way, they leave you with bruising, swelling, numbness, and sometimes itchiness too. Oh, and what they don't tell you is that you have to continue them even after you find out you're pregnant!

License to Carry- The note you get from the doctor that says you can fly on airplanes with all your drugs and needles. Having travelled from the US to the UK for treatment and also travelling from the UK to a few countries in Europe for vacation, I have found this note completely unnecessary. None of the security screeners I encountered ever even asked me about the mass quantities of needles and liquid hormones in my bag. They were always much more concerned with my big boobs and the fact that my underwire bra always sets off the metal detector. I got lots of extra pat downs, but never a bag search.

Mr. Wandy- The beloved vaginal ultrasound wand. This tool of joy is used for all sorts of things. To check your ovaries and follicles, to check your lining, and also to check if you have a viable pregnancy. He is usually dressed in a condom with some lube, but at one of my clinics they just stuck a bright blue rubber glove on him. Nice!

Pee Stick- The Magic 8 Ball for women trying to conceive. You pee on it and it tells you your future, pregnant,,, or not pregnant. The fancy digital ones not only tell you if you are pregnant, but they also tell you how far along you are. It is the only item I am aware of that is socially acceptable to pee on, then take photos of (to post on your  blog of course), and then pass around to your friends and family to examine. Just imagine trying to pass around a wad of used toilet paper and see what kind of responses you would get.

Poking The Bear- All those hormone injections can make a girl a bit testy. At times one can feel like a raging bear ready to explode. At some of these times, The Hubby thought it was funny to say things to try and set me off. At these times I would glare at him and say, "Don't poke the bear." Sometimes it worked and sometimes he went ahead and poked the bear anyway. He paid dearly for those times.

Shoot The Cooch- After receiving the good news that you don't have to inject your progesterone in your leg anymore you may want to cheer. Until you find out that you have to use this plastic popsicle stick looking "applicator" to inject it into your vagina twice a day. I took to referring to this a shooting the cooch because cooch is such a classy word for vagina. Oh, and no one tells you in advance that sometimes this can cause spotting. Until you start spotting and freak out and have to call the nurse. Spotting is bad!!

Shoot The Pooper- After you start spotting and are sure you are having a miscarriage they tell you that the vaginal form of progesterone can sometimes be the cause of the bleeding. You sigh in relief because you know that you are not losing your baby, you just have a sensitive cervix. Your doctor tells you he will switch you to the anal form of progesterone. Good times!! Since I could no longer announce I was shooting the cooch I changed my terminology to shooting the pooper since that was now what I was doing. Amazingly, this process is not nearly as horrifying as it may sound. Or maybe I've just got no boundaries left.

Sunglasses- Another side effect of all the hormone injections is random crying episodes. I have found these episodes especially enjoyable and not at all embarrassing. Ok, I lie. I find them absolutely horrifying and terribly embarrassing. As a result, I highly recommend carrying a large pair of sunglasses with you wherever you go. That way you can pop them on when your hormones decide that crying in a grocery store, or on public transportation is a great idea.



So there you have it. My super-classy glossary of infertility. Have I missed anything? Do you have a few of your own that you think should be added to this list?? If so then feel free to add yours in the comments,,, or email me if you're too embarrassed to admit yours in public.

If At First You Don't Succeed

Try, try your frozen embryo. : )

That's right, I've finally gotten dates for my frozen embryo transfer. I had really wanted a September transfer because it fits better with my schedule, but alas the clinic doesn't have any dates in September left. Talk about a busy place. So October the 13th it is.

I'm back on the birth control pill again which I will take from now until September 9th. Then I go off it. My baseline ultrasound and blood work are on September 14th and I begin my del estrogen injections on the 15th.

As I mentioned in a previous post, cycling in October is not ideal. We've got a trip home to the US planned for the end of the month which we cannot change. We've already pushed it back twice and if we don't go then, we won't be able to go based on the hubby's work travel schedule. So this means it will be time for my beta test when I'm back at home.

Not ideal, but that's the way it goes and I am going to make the best of it. I am trying to go into this cycle with a renewed sense of cautious optimism. I don't think I'm capable of not being at least a little bit hopeful. I could pretend I wasn't hopeful, but I'd be lying to all of you and to myself. As many times as I've tried and failed, there's always this little bit of me who thinks, "this could be the time it works."

So here I go. This could be the time it works!

Triple Stripe

I went in for another ultrasound and blood test yesterday. According to the nurse I've got thick "triple stripe" lining. I don't know exactly what triple stripe lining is but apparently it's good. It's what they want you to have before embryo transfer so I'm over the moon. I'm sure I could look it all up and figure out why it's good but I try not to get caught up in all the medical talk because it gets confusing.

In my mind it's like when you make the bed up for house guests. I've got to make the bed look really comfy, cushy, and soft so that the house guests (in this case embryos) want to nestle in and stay for a while. Actually it's the opposite of having house guests. You only want house guests to stay for a short while so you don't want the bed to be too comfy. Anyone who has had an extended visit from the in-laws will know what I'm talking about. I've gone slightly off topic haven't I?

In this case I want the embryo we implant to get so comfy that he or she stays and grows into a cuddly squishy baby. So I'm making the ultimate guest bed with lots of pillows and a soft fluffy duvet to snuggle in. The kind of bed that you want to lie in all day and not get out. A triple stripe guest bed.

I got another update on our egg donor and she's got lots of follicles so that's good news too. The nurse is happy with how we are both progressing. 

In the meantime I am continuing my del Estrogen shots until instructed to start my progesterone shots. The nurse says I will start doing the new jabs right around egg retrieval. From all I've heard, these are the not so fun ones. They sting and can leave welts if you don't massage after the injection. So I'm not looking forward to that part!

The hormones are continuing to make me very emotional. The hubby keeps making jokes about needing to schedule some more business trips. Ha ha, he is such a comedian!

I am still trying my best to not get snappy with him and I thought I was doing a really good job. That was until he asked me how much longer I was going to be doing the shots. At which point I got all teary and paranoid that I'm being a total bitch. I'm thinking that was not the answer he was looking for. You gotta love hormones, right?

Cycling On: Hormones-a-Raging

11 injections down, 7 injections to go!!! Well it's really more than 7, but my current schedule only goes until transfer day. Transfer day! Wow, I can't believe I'm over halfway there!!

It seemed like such an abstract concept, but now it's two weeks away and no longer abstract. It's quickly becoming a reality.

I've got another scan next week to make sure all is going as it should. So remind me to shave my legs for my appointment with the "internal" ultrasound machine. I've seen others give it cute little nick names like Mr. Wandy or dildo cam. What do you call it?? I'd love to know. Post your nick name in the comments and if I like one then I'll start using it. Otherwise I'll just be boring and refer to it by it's medical name.

I am definitely starting to feel the effects of the hormones. I am moody and quick to anger and/or tears,,,, or both if the mood strikes me. The hubby will ask me something simple and I almost bite his head off.

He's been doing a good job at trying to find the humor in it all. He's been making all sorts of jokes about me and my hormones,,,, but not when I'm actually in mood of course,,, he's not that stupid. Mostly they make me laugh, and at times like these it's important to be able to laugh, especially at myself when I'm acting crazy.

I've been trying very hard to maintain awareness of when I'm being a moody bitch and bite my tongue. It's not been easy, but I'm trying really hard. I am trying really hard not to take it out on the hubby. After all, it's not his fault that the hormones are making me feel this way.

• It's not his fault that he's the closest one to me when my mood swings. 
• It's not his fault that it's not socially acceptable to smack total strangers when they stop right in front of me. 
• It's not his fault that any little thing can make me want to cry. 
• It's not his fault that I can't find my keys.
• It's not his fault that I burnt the toast.
• It's not his fault that I've just got all light headed.
• It's not his fault that I'm having a hot flash.
• It's not his fault that everyone else in the room is an idiot.
• It's not his fault that people let their kids run all over the grocery store like wild animals and one of them just ran over my foot with their shopping trolley.
• It's not his fault.

So I'm doing my best not to take it out on him. Sometimes with more success than others.

On Holiday

I am on holiday in Spain. It's a much needed break both for the hubby and myself. He's been super busy at work and I've been super busy getting us moved into our new place. So really the timing is perfect.

I still have to do all my injections while I'm here. In fact I've got one to do tonight. Got lots of Spanish wine at the ready! Speaking of injections, I had no issue getting my meds and syringes onto the plane. I was worried that I would be hassled, but it was no problem.

I may not post much while I'm here. And I'm on the hubby's laptop which for some reason won't let me comment on any blogs..... strange. But anyway if you don't see me here or hear from me on your blogs that's why.

Have a great week everyone!

Off We Go

This cycle is off and running! My first scan and blood work were done today. I have to say it's a bit icky to have an "internal" scan during your period. It's not the nicest experience and I would imagine it's even worse the poor nurse who has to do it.

Ok, gross,,, TMI,,, sorry about that. I try not to be flippant when talking about the yucky stuff but it becomes so normal I sometimes forget that it may gross some people out.

Anyway, the scan went well. My lining is nice and thin just like they want it to be. My hormone levels are all good too. So I'm officially off the lupron and on the del estrogen.

I just finished my first "in the muscle" injection and I am indeed getting braver. I didn't hesitate at all, I just jabbed that needle right in. It may have helped that I just got back from a leaving party for a friend who is moving to the US and had a few glasses of wine. But I'm taking the credit that I didn't hover over my leg for 20 minutes before literally taking the plunge.

It did hurt more than I remember from the mock cycle. Perhaps I hit a more sensitive spot, or perhaps it's just bad luck. But either way it's done!!

A Brief Cycle Update

Well I'm one week into my donor egg cycle and figured I'd give you all an update.

I don't think it's hit me yet. I mean I'm off the birth control pills and I'm injecting myself everyday,,, but I don't think it's really sinking in.

What we're doing here.

The hugeness of it all.

We're going to be making a baby with a donor egg and my husband's sperm. That embryo will be implanted into me where it will hopefully grow into a living breathing baby. One that we get to take home with us in a car seat.

It's huge, right?

But so far I am feeling like my normal self but with a schedule of injections and scans.

My first scan is tomorrow morning. If all goes well then I will be told to stop injecting the lupron and start injecting the Del estrogen. I am not super excited about that because that one has to be injected into the muscle which is much more scary than the ones that go into your tummy. But I've been doing jabs all week and it hasn't been too scary. So maybe this time around the muscle ones will be easier?

Even better, I will be doing them at night which means I can have wine for assistance!!! I had to do the lupron in the mornings so no wine. As much as I do love a good bottle glass of wine, even I couldn't figure out a way to justify a glass of wine at 8:30 every morning. But 8:30 at night,,,, well that's not an issue!!!

Perhaps I was expecting to be more nervous? Perhaps I was expecting to feel more hormonal? Or perhaps it's just early in the cycle and all the hormones haven't kicked in yet. Only time will tell.

On a lighter note..... Vacation prep update. You know you all do it!
Yes, even in the midst of grieving or getting ready for an IVF cycle I'm still just a little bit vain. Every trip requires a bit of prep, especially if said trip includes me in a bathing suit.

So here's where I'm at with that. I've been tanning, gotten a pedicure, and had a bikini wax.

So I'm just a cute new outfit or two away from being ready for Spain!!

3 more days!!

Waiting For The Crazy

Today I did my second injection and I'm waiting for the crazy to kick in.

I have heard all about how crazy the hormones you have to inject during any IVF cycle can make you. I've heard especially bad things about lupron which is what I'm currently injecting into my not-so-flat tummy. Actually, having a bit of extra "fluff" on my tummy makes it much easier to squeeze and jab. So yay for not being skinny!

I'm now wondering when it will come. The crazy I mean.

• Perhaps it's waiting until the hubby gets home tomorrow morning from his business trip? 
• Perhaps it's waiting until I chat with my parents on Skype on Sunday? 
• Perhaps it's waiting until the 4th of July party we're attending this weekend? 
• Perhaps it's waiting until my bikini wax next Tuesday?
• Perhaps it's waiting until we get to the airport next Friday? Ooh, airports are good places to bring out the crazy. 
• Or perhaps it will spring out at me when I'm least expecting it?

Or maybe it's already here and I just haven't noticed it yet. The hubby is away and I've been so busy running errands the past 2 days that I haven't seen any of my friends either. So perhaps the crazy is here but there's no one around to tell me. If that's the case than that's OK. Ignorance is bliss!

*Disclaimer- When I say crazy I'm referring to the hormonal mess that people become when they inject mass quantities of hormones into themselves in order to try and have a baby. I am not speaking about anyone with an actual mental illness and do not mean it in a derogatory way. If I have offended anyone with the use of the word crazy, I apologize profusely and blame the hormones!

Are We Ready For This?

Tomorrow is the big day. I start my first lupron injection and my donor egg cycle is officially a go. It's exciting and scary and a bunch of other things too. And it's happening,,,,, now. Not some day in the future,,,,, but now. It's not just a concept anymore, it's a reality. Last night before falling asleep I found myself wondering if we're ready for all of this?

On the one hand I can't wait to get started. On the other hand I know this means we're diving head first into uncharted territory.

Putting ourselves back out there. 

To that scary place where we will be vulnerable again. 

Where we cannot protect ourselves from failure, or success,,, or another loss. 

• Are we ready for all of this? Who knows. 
• Is there ever going to be a day when our feelings won't be so raw and vulnerable? Probably not. 
• Are we in a place where we could handle another pregnancy??  I hope so. 
• Are we in a place where we could handle another pregnancy loss? I have no idea. 

All I know is that we want more than anything to have a living, breathing, take-home baby.

• One who we can watch grow up and that can smile cheekily in family photos. 
• One who is noisy, and messy, and demanding of our time. 
• One who makes a huge wail when he or she is born. 
• One who's eyes we get to see looking up at us. 
• One who's hair will grow long enough that we know what color it is. 
• A baby who can be a living part of our family, not just a memory. 
• We want a baby we can hold in our arms and not just in our hearts.

All I know is that in order to have our take home baby we have to put ourselves out there.

At risk. 

Where the very best things can happen. 

Where the very worst things can happen. 

Are we ready for all of this? I suppose we're as ready as we'll ever be. We are cautiously optimistic and praying for a positive outcome. In the end I guess that's the best that we can be right now.

We Have Dates!

We have our dates for our upcoming Donor Egg IVF cycle. Wow! It's all getting very real very quick!

It was crazy stressful for a while there because the clinic was trying to email me the info during the move when the only Internet connection I had was via my smart phone. I couldn't open all the attachments and was getting panicky. But thankfully they were very understanding and sent me a synopsis in the body of an email so I could read it. It was a huge relief!

So here's how it looks. I start my first injections on the 30th of June. In the meantime I am still on the birth control pill. I've been on it for about 7 weeks straight with no break. The good part is no period, but the bad part is perpetual PMS symptoms. I'm a crabby bitchy mess. I walk around the streets of London dying to punch someone. This is not the normal me, and I'm hoping that once I go off the pill (on the 2nd of July) I will have my period and the irritability will pass.

Then I become a human pincushion for the next month. Jabs of this, and jabs of that. Some in my stomach, some in my thigh. I must stock up on wine to help get me through this bit.

I've got a couple of scans along the way to see how I'm responding. The donor begins her medications in mid-July and the expected transfer day will be in very early August!!!

Here we go! I can't wait to get started..... well except for the whole needle bit!

*Photo by Photos8.com

Happy List

Once again I'm participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays. I've taken a few weeks off because sometimes it's hard to come up with happy things. But not this week. So here goes.

1. My bag-o-meds. I'm not at all happy about having to inject myself (I haven't gone totally crazy). But I'm happy that we have a plan. This bag represents a path forward, hope, and optimism. I do wish that our plan didn't involve needles, but hey,,,, I've been through much worse.

2. Clear tubes. I can't believe I'm posting this photo a second time. But they mean we can move forward with our egg donation + IVF cycle. And that's a good thing.

3. Sunny days. Please note that this photo was taken on a holiday to Dubai last year,,, this is not London. But a sunny day in London makes me feel like I'm on holiday. And holidays make me happy.

4. Wine with friends. Such a nice way to spend an evening. And some macaroons if you've got them. Again, this photo was taken on a weekend away in France. I think the fact that I'm digging out old holiday photos means I need to plan another one soon.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

Bag 'O Meds

 

The contents of my bag 'o meds. Plus the new bag I had to buy (at Target of course) to carry them home in. Note all the syringes and needles...... yikes!

On The Road- A Very Short Update

This is our last night in DC. Today we got to be tourists which was nice. The Lincoln Memorial blew my mind.

The appointment with the egg donation clinic went well. I am coming back home with a Bag 'O Meds that is so big I had to buy and extra tote bag. *Hope I can get all this on the plane in my carry on luggage. I'm also bringing back two big boxes of healthy pop microwave  popcorn because you can't get the low fat version in London. Interesting combo,,,,,, injectible fertility meds, pre-natal vitamins, and microwave popcorn. I am not thrilled about having to "jab" myself in the leg with a 1 inch needle almost every day, that's for sure. : (

I will post more details once I'm back home. But I am feeling very optimistic that this is going to work.