Happy Easter + A 3 Weeks In Florida Catch Up

So I put this egg in the basket?

I'll put it right here, now I gotta go find some more.

Frostina absolutely LOVED hunting for Easter Eggs. She walks around the house saying "egg, egg" whenever she spots an empty plastic egg lying around somewhere. I got her a book where Peppa Pig hunts for eggs and she loves to read it and spot the eggs. I have a feeling we will be talking about the eggs for months to come.

I should confess though that we did not do an egg hunt today. Mother of the Year that I am, I skipped the hunt today because we have done 3 this season and I was just too tired to do another one today. She did one in London before we moved, she did this one here in Florida with a local Meet Up group I have joined, and she did one at the Mommy and Me class I took her to on Friday. So she has gotten her fill of plastic eggs and candy.

There is so much going on with our move and our house hunting and I have run out of energy. These past three weeks have been a blur. We have moved into our temporary apartment. I was able to get Frostina into a local pediatrician who came recommended by a friend. It turns out we were only behind by 2 immunisations which is pretty good they tell me. My doctor back in London did her best to keep us up on the UK and US schedules and it paid off.

I have found and been seen by an Obstetrician, a Perinatologist, and have even had my first fight with my insurance company about which drugs they will and won't pay for. *The medicine in question being the blood thinners that the doctor wants me to take. This fight is still in progress. Sigh, I do miss good old England and it's national health service. This would never happen on the NHS.

We have been working with a realtor to try and find a house and I think our efforts have paid off. We just finished putting together our offer letter for a house we like. So now we wait and see. Fingers crossed people, I really want to be in a house before Baby Olea is born.

To say we have been busy is an understatement! So when it came to today I just had nothing left. I did make pancakes for Frostina which she loves and I did cook a ham for The Hubby which he said he loved (bless him). But I just couldn't manage to play Easter Bunny too.

I figured this is the last year I will be able to get away with it since by next year she will know all about Easter and the Easter Bunny. Plus I have these photos and I can always tell her they were taken on Easter Sunday, right?

Feeling The Tug

We're back from our summer holiday in the USA and back on London time. Wow, what a struggle that was! Jet lag plus little people is an awful combination. But alas in the life of an expat, jet lag is just part of the package.

It was so lovely to see Frostina interact with the family. It's amazing how much joy and light a baby toddler can bring to a room. She was showered with love and totally spoiled... basically she loved every minute of it. I had lots of free time while everyone was spoiling Frostina so I loved every minute of it as well.

Frostina is almost walking. I think she could already do it if she had the confidence. Sometimes when she's cruising she takes both hands off the wall and takes a few steps. I know it's just a matter of time before I will be chasing after her. In the meantime she's moving all over the place and it's super cute to see.

Just a little baby yoga at my Great Grandmother's house.

I do feel a bit more of a tug back home now that we have Frostina. In the old pre-children days, these visits were fun but they didn't make me want to leave our life in London. This time around, leaving was hard. And now that I'm back I do feel like maybe she is missing out by not being closer to family.

I know logically that even if we do move back to the US, it will most likely not be back where we came from. Which means we will most likely be on the other side of the country and therefore not really any closer to our family. But my heart does wish that we could move back there sometimes.

I'm not quite ready to leave the UK, but I can feel the tug much stronger than ever before. 

Family Holiday

We are on holiday! Or on vacation for my American friends. It's not the first time we have travelled with Frostina, but this is the first time it really feels like a family holiday.

We are somewhere in the sunny south of France and are loving every minute of it. My parents are here as well, visiting from the US, which makes it even more special.

Today we spent time hanging out at the pool. A first for Frostina who absoultely loved it. She was so cute splashing around. A true water baby.

So here's the view from where I'm sitting. What a lovely view it is!

Yes, that is an actual photo of Frostina. Even from the back you can see just how cute she is!

There's No Crying In Santa's Grotto

Yesterday I took Frostina to have her picture taken with Santa. It's a huge milestone in my parenting book. Her first photo with Santa, followed by her first Christmas, followed by a bunch of other firsts that I can photograph and share with family and friends.

So many firsts that she will have that her brother will not.

There are many options when it comes to Santa's Grotto's here in London. Some are just basic, and some (like Harrods) are quite fancy and require advance booking. Since Frostina is only 6 months old and is not always happy to be held by strangers, I opted for the closest option. That way if she freaked out and cried I would not be terribly inconvenienced.

As it turns out, she was not the one I should have been worried about.

We got to our local shopping centre and even though I had booked an appointment, it turns out it wasn't necessary. There was only one other child in front of us so I didn't have to worry about waiting too long. In addition, the napping and eating gods had shined down on us and Frostina was both well fed and well rested. Optimum conditions for a happy baby.

As I began the process of unwrapping her from her jacket/blankets/hat combo (it is freezing here in London) and getting her out of her buggy I felt it.

You know that feeling when you just know you're going to cry???

I felt it rising up in my throat. Tears welling up in my eyes. What on earth was happening?? Why was I crying? Why was I the one about to cry in Santa's Grotto??

Of course that's when it hit me. This was one of those moments that I get to share with Frostina but will never be able to share with my son. I get so busy taking care of her day to day that I sometimes forget that many of her firsts will be both exhilarating and crushingly sad.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't have my sunglasses with me. It's been a while since I've been caught out like this. So I did what I've learned how to do when the tears creep in. I dig my fingernails into my palms and try to think about something else. I also had Frostina to joke with and smile at which helped as well.

So no meltdown this time. Well, not until I got home..... but that's progress and I'll take it.

Frostina on the other hand did not cry at all. She sat on Santa's lap and let the Elf helper take her photo. No smile, but she still looked cute. I made sure to buy one photo for me and a couple for the Grandparents. I just know they will love them.

I'm Finally Packing For Three

It feels like my blogging life has come full circle.

Or it's about to.

Where it all started,,, it's about to return,,, but with a much happier result this time.

It's surreal on many levels.

I almost can't believe it's actually happening.

If you would have told the me of 2 years ago that this day would come I'm not sure I would have believed you.

And yet here it is.

We are planning a trip home to see the family. We leave in a couple of weeks and I've got so much planning and packing to do.

A trip we do and prepare for every year.

But this year we are actually bringing a living, breathing baby with us.

No ashes in an urn.

A real living baby.

A real living baby!!!

We get to do all the things we had planned before....

A christening.

Family photos.

Sharing our joy with our loved ones.

Such a different place from where this whole blogging journey began.

That day, almost two years ago, when I wrote this post and Finding My New Normal was born.

Friday, 5 November 2010

I should be packing right now.

I really should be packing. We are flying home to see the family for the first time since losing our son in August. This was going to be the first visit home for him to meet his grandparents and extended family. But instead of bringing home a happy baby, we are bringing home his ashes in a tiny plastic urn. Instead of being held by his loving parents, his ashes will be scattered in a beautiful place that we both love. It is not fair and I do not want to have to be doing any of this. So this is why I am not packing yet. Because once I start packing I have to face the reality that I am only packing for 2 and not for 3.



A post about packing for a trip home is where it all began.

And today I once again write about packing for a trip home.

But today things are very different than they were that dark and sad day in November of 2010.

This time around I'm finally packing for three!!!

Unwinding

Christmas is over, the new year is here, and my house is once again free of visitors. I can feel my body slowly unwinding from all the activity and family time. It would unwind much more quickly with a nice glass of wine,,,, but alas, this pregnant lady is off the booze.

I'm a bundle of extra energy right now. Wanting to get the house back to normal. Washing all the sheets and towels. Taking down the Christmas tree. I know it will take me days to fully relax. I'm like this after all our family visits.

Having family come to visit is always wonderful. Having family come to visit is also always a bit stressful. Part of it is of course the fact that we live across the pond from our family so when they do come it's for a longer period of time. My parents can't exactly pop in for the weekend since it takes them 11 hours on a plane to get here. So when visitors come it's generally for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. That can be a LOT of family time... if you know what I mean.

Brussels at Christmas

I'm not complaining this time around though. After spending last Christmas on our own, buried in our own grief, it was nice to have a house full of happy people this year. We even invited another couple over for Christmas dinner. I cooked a turkey and all the fixings, poured lots of wine, and played a bunch of silly party games. All in all, it was a great night. I took my parents around London and we even took the Eurostar over to Brussels for a quick visit. It was very nice to see them, but I'm exhausted.

I actually felt a bit sorry for them this trip. My nausea and exhaustion kicked in on several days so we had to cancel plans. In addition, The Hubby got a terrible cold and was out of commission for almost a week. So basically they had "The Preggo" and "The Sickie" as hosts. It resulted in a few more days at home than I think they might have liked. Although they are so excited that I'm pregnant again that I think they will forgive me.

I don't feel guilty for enjoying myself a bit this year. In the year and four months since our son died we have grieved him almost continuously. At some point that grief gets softer around the edges. Somehow we find a way to be able to feel joy and happiness again. I am grateful for the happiness. Because it cuts through the pain of grief. I am grateful that we were able to have a Happy Christmas this year. Perhaps it will be the first of many more to come.

But for now it's back to reality. I've got sheets to wash, Christmas decorations to put away, and some serious unwinding to do.

Waiting For The Christmas Spirit

Christmas is in full swing around here. The tree is up, the house is decorated, and all the presents have been wrapped. Plans have been made for most of the big meals. Dinner out for Christmas Eve, a huge dinner in for Christmas, and even a special meal for Boxing Day (which they celebrate here in the UK).

Unlike most years, it won't be just the two of us. My parents arrive today for a 2 week visit. In addition, we have invited some expat friends over for Christmas dinner. Because of the nature of The Hubby's job we always have to be home at Christmas time. As a result, since living over here we usually spend it on our own. I am looking forward to having a house full this year. I think it will help to make things feel less lonely and more like Christmas.

Now if only I can find my Christmas spirit.

We will have a house full of guests, food, and Christmas cheer. The Hubby is absolutely buzzing with enthusiasm and excitement, but I'm not sure I'm feeling it just yet. I want to feel it, but I'm not quite there yet.

I approach this Christmas with mixed feelings. I'm sad of course that we will be spending our second Christmas without our son. He would have been old enough this year to rip open presents and try to take the ornaments off the tree. I'm sure we would have spoiled him and got him way too many presents. Somehow I think this time of year will always feel empty without him.

We had lots of tears this year when we hung his ornaments on the tree. I wonder if that will happen every year? I suppose it probably will.

I also have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am pregnant again this year. This means that I have spent 2 of the last 3 holiday seasons pregnant. This time around it feels as much like the best gift ever as it did the first time. A little miracle just waiting to be born. I don't have the same sense of unbridled joy this time around. I suppose that's because this time my joy is mixed with my grief.

But it does give me hope. Hope that next year we will have a living child to share Christmas with. It is with that sense of hope that I'm doing my best to get into the spirit this year. Because we deserve to be happy, especially after all we've been through.

What I Want For Christmas

Christmas is quickly approaching and The Hubby has been asking me what I want. I still haven't been able to give him an answer. It's weird because usually I have no problems coming up with ideas for presents, especially if they are for me. There's always something I want, maybe a new handbag, maybe some jewellery, maybe clothes. But this year I'm drawing a blank.

This is not like me at all. I have been wondering what is wrong with me that I can't figure out something, anything that I would like to see wrapped under the tree this year.

Part of the problem is that I usually get clothes and being 10 weeks pregnant makes that a difficult one. I'm still in my normal clothes but soon to grow out of them I'm hoping. It's too early to buy maternity clothes, especially when I've already got a box of them down in the garage. So new clothes are pretty much out for now.

Another part of the problem is of course that we have spent a crazy amount of money this year on our fertility treatments and the travel required to do so. So obviously we are on a much more limited budget than normal.

But the largest part is that really, all I want is a living baby. One that I can take home in a car seat instead of in a tiny urn. My due date isn't until June and I certainly don't want my baby to come in time for this Christmas. I guess what I want is to know for sure that he or she will be born healthy and live a very long and happy life. I want my rainbow baby.

I want a guarantee that nothing will go wrong this time.

I want the peace of mind of knowing that all will end well.

That's what I want for Christmas this year.

Operation Distraction

I am back from the lovely US of A. Even though we didn't go to Washington DC as tourists, we did catch a few sights while we were there. Tomorrow evening we're off again, this time to Barcelona. The hubby has to go for work and I've decided to tag along. I will be spending quite a bit of time on my own since he will be pretty busy, but it beats being home alone, especially this week.

Our tourist excursions in DC and the week in Barcelona are all part of "Operation Distraction." You see, in addition to being officially in my 2 week wait from our donor egg IVF cycle it is also only one week until our son's first birthday. It's a lot to deal with all at one time so the idea is to keep me busy so I won't have lots of time on my own to dwell on things. I'm not trying to deny either event or it's significance and will give each it's due focus and respect of course. But the less time alone sitting on my couch I have to obsess, the better.

The timing of these two things couldn't be more bittersweet for me. On the one hand I'm super excited to think that this cycle could work and I could be pregnant again. On the other hand I'm super sad to think that it's been almost one full year without my precious baby boy. When we began this cycle it never even occurred to me that we would be waiting on results right around the 13th which is his day.

In fact, I felt a huge sigh of relief when I found out that my beta test won't be until the 17th of August. I'm not sure I would want to be having my pregnancy test results back before or on his birthday. I'm not going to cheat and pee on a stick before the 13th either. I want his birthday to be all about him, not about joy or sorrow over pregnancy test results.

As I mentioned before, we will be releasing a balloon to honor our son's memory. We will do ours privately but will be inviting family and close friends to release their own as well. Sometime this week I've got to draft that email letting people know our plans and inviting them to participate, but first things first.

So today it's a rush of laundry and re-adjusting to UK time. Tomorrow night I will be tucked into my bed at the hotel in Barcelona. I will of course be taking it easy to give that little embryo time to snuggle in for the long haul. I figure it's just as beneficial to lay on a lounge chair by the pool as it is to lay on my couch. Plus I won't be having to do any housework or dishes while I'm in Barcelona so really I'm going to be taking it easier than if I'd stayed home, right?

Operation Distraction is in full swing. Here's hoping it helps pass the time!

Silent Sunday

On Holiday

I am on holiday in Spain. It's a much needed break both for the hubby and myself. He's been super busy at work and I've been super busy getting us moved into our new place. So really the timing is perfect.

I still have to do all my injections while I'm here. In fact I've got one to do tonight. Got lots of Spanish wine at the ready! Speaking of injections, I had no issue getting my meds and syringes onto the plane. I was worried that I would be hassled, but it was no problem.

I may not post much while I'm here. And I'm on the hubby's laptop which for some reason won't let me comment on any blogs..... strange. But anyway if you don't see me here or hear from me on your blogs that's why.

Have a great week everyone!

Traveling With Needles

I woke up feeling achy today. Like that feeling you get when you have a fever. I think it may be the lupron finally kicking in. Still no crazy to speak of,,,, but the hubby is home now so he may have a different opinion on that : ) .

Speaking of the hubby, he's back from his whirlwind series of business trips. Yay!! Even better, he is on vacation for the next two weeks! That's right boys and girls, I said two weeks. One of the things we love the most about living here in England is that taking two weeks off is considered pretty standard. Employers do not "frown upon" it as most people do it. It's normal here. I'm sure all my fellow Americans will be able to relate to how awesome this is since back in the US you get one week and that's it. If you want to take two together you usually have to have a really good reason and get special approval.

I'm not sure the hubby has kicked into "vacation mode" just yet. He didn't get home until yesterday afternoon and even this morning he still seems quiet and a bit on edge. But I give it another day or two and then I will have my happy, smiley, vacation hubby! I really like that guy!!

We will be staying here for a few days so the hubby can get into full vacation mode and then we're off to Spain! Woo Hoo!! I am soooooo looking forward to it. This will not be our usual sightseeing and tours kind of holiday though. We've booked a place where we can sleep late, lay by the pool, and get spa treatments. This is definitely a lazy holiday. Just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, I must remember to bring my prescription that says I can travel with needles and medications. That's right,,,, in addition to all the relaxing and massages I still have to inject myself. I don't get a vacation from IVF. But no complaints, I think a relaxing week away will put me in the right frame of mind for the embryo transfer. Plus I will be doing my injections in the comfort of a 5-star resort in Spain!

*I just re-read and noticed that I used the terms vacation and holiday interchangeably. Hilarious!! One of the side effects of having lived here in the UK for almost six years is that I often mix up UK and US terminology. I have gotten to the point where I forget which is which sometimes. I'm sure my fellow expats can relate to this!

Too Many Balls in The Air

Seriously! Could I just get one thing settled please???

I have too much going on right now and it's driving me absolutely nuts.

Here are the balls I'm juggling at the moment.

1. Grieving my son (this one is a biggie).
2. Having to move to a new flat.
3. Our upcoming Egg Donor IVF cycle.
4. Planning a trip home to see the family.
5. My hubby's potential new job role.
6. All the rest of normal life stuff.

Here's where I sit with all of them.

1. Grief- well that's an ongoing one which I don't expect to be settled anytime soon.
2. Moving- I swear this one is going to be the death of me. I thought we had it all sorted and now it appears it may all fall through. There are some terms on the lease that we are having trouble agreeing to. I thought this one was all settled,,,,,, but it's not. I have tons to do to prepare for this move. But I can't do any of it until we are sure where we're going and when. We have to be out of this place in early July so I'm starting to panic slightly. 
3. The cycle- this one is moving forward well. We have been checking the database and hope to find our perfect donor soon. Thanks for all the advice I got on this one. The big thing up in the air with this one is the dates. You see, we can't make other plans until we know exactly when this will all happen. So  we're in this crazy limbo where we want to make plans but we can't. I hate limbo. 
4. Trip home- was planned for late July, but may have to be pushed back if we are in the middle of our donor egg cycle. Or not if we're not. I need to book tickets in advance in order to avoid paying a fortune, but I can't. And it's driving me crazy.
5. Hubby's job- no he's not changing companies or anything. But he may be given a slightly bigger role than he currently has. If he gets it then it will involve more travel, but to some pretty cool places that I can tag along to. This is good news, but it adds stress. It hasn't officially happened yet,,,, but it might,,, or it might not. So for now it's just another ball to juggle. 
6. Normal life- well let's see, there is no food in the house. I haven't worked out in weeks. My house is a complete mess. I have a million things on my to do list. So pretty  much I've dropped this ball already.

So pretty much my whole life is in limbo right now. I am not a very good juggler and at times I feel like throwing all the balls on the floor and screaming until someone else picks them up.

Ugh!

Can we just get one thing settled???

Please???

Denial,,,, Not Just a River in Egypt

I am in denial and I'm proud of it.

American Mother's Day is tomorrow and I'm trying my best not to think about it. As an expat living in London I've already had to endure the UK Mother's Day. How cruel is it that the first year after my son dies I have to go through not one, but two days honoring mothers??

So my strategy is to pretend it's not happening. I plan to stay off facebook for the weekend so I won't see all the happy posts from all my friends. I put up one of the lovely flowers from Carly's site on my facebook page last week and that's all I'm going to do.

It is nice that at least I won't have to suffer through the stores being full of Mother's day stuff this time, but still,,,,,,, it's just too much for me.

So other than the obligatory phone call to my Mom, I'm not going to deny it's another Mother's day without my precious baby boy.

Denial...... let's see how well that plan goes.

Easter

Easter snuck up on me this year. I didn't realize that it would hit me so hard. It's never really been a big holiday for the hubby and I.

I usually do a ham and buy us some chocolate, but that's about it. We don't even go to church anymore because we don't go the rest of the year and it feels slightly hypocritical to go on Easter and Christmas but not the rest of the year. So it's normally just a nice Sunday with a special dinner and phone and skype calls to the family back home.

In retrospect I should have expected the tears.

Easter is so much more of a kids holiday than I realized. Getting the outfit, the Easter basket, the Easter egg hunts, dying eggs the day before; all of these things are done when you have kids.

As I saw my real life friends happily posting photos of egg dying sessions and videos of egg hunts it hit me.

I am missing out on all of this.

Not that an 8 month old can dye eggs, but he would definitely have been old enough to dress in a cute outfit. Perhaps he would  have been crawling around the floor grabbing Easter eggs (well the plastic ones, not the real ones). There would have been the photos of him with the Easter bunny in his cute outfit. I would have sent them via email and facebook to all my friends and family back home.

Except that he isn't here.

That's what really set me off I guess. The things I was missing out on. That I will always miss out on.

The boy that will never be.

UK Mother's Day

It's mother's day here in the UK.

I'm trying not to be sad. 

I'm trying not to think about it too much. 

We will see how that goes. 

I think this one will be easier to ignore since it's not the mother's day I grew up with. The US one in May will be much harder for me. 

I just wish I didn't have two mother's days to get through this year. It's one of the not so fun parts of being an expat.

For all my fellow BLM's here in the UK, I hope you have a gentle day.

We Survived Christmas

I am so happy and relieved that it's the 27th of December today. No more Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or Boxing Day celebrations to get through. The holidays are over for another year. Another year for me to get stronger, heal a bit more, and to hopefully find my 'new normal' before I have to face Christmas again.


I am also happy to report that we survived! Christmas is a pretty big deal around our house, especially since we are expats and live far from our family. Because of my husband's job, flying back to be with the family is not an option so we spend Christmas with just the two of us. I had dreamed of it being just the three of us this time, but that was not to be. So when we made the decision to celebrate Christmas this year I knew we were doing the right thing. I also knew it would not be easy, and I was right.

I think Christmas Eve was the toughest day. Last year on Christmas Eve was when I found out I was pregnant so it was two milestones in one. It hit my husband even harder than it hit me. As we sat together on the couch with tears streaming down our faces I was reminded how much I love this man. A man who is not afraid to show his grief and to share it with me. In a way it was nice to be able to comfort him because most of the time our roles are reversed and it is he who is comforting me.

We had been invited out for some after dinner drinks at a local pub (Ah, pubs,,, one of the things I love about England). We considered not going because of our sad moods, but then decided to go. I have to say, it was the best decision we could have made. It was the perfect end to the day. We had spent time together celebrating Christmas Eve and eating a great dinner (if I do say so myself). Then we spent some time honoring the memory of our son. Then we went out and spent some time with new friends. We talked, and joked, and laughed. It was exactly what we needed.

On Christmas Day, we opened our presents and then hubby made a fabulous breakfast. He slept off his minor hang over from the night before on the couch while I got things ready for our big dinner. Of course there was a huge baby-shaped hole in our day. It would have been so much better if our son had been with us. I imagined the toys and baby clothes that might have been wrapped under the tree. I imagined being stressed out about making dinner while taking care of baby at the same time. I imagined holding him in my arms. I imagined putting him in his cute Christmas outfit and showing him off to my family on Skype. I imagined a lot of things, but none of them would really get to happen. It was just my wonderful husband and me this year and that would have to be enough. We are all each other has left at the moment.

Boxing Day was easier. I think it's because I didn't grow up celebrating it so there's not as much of a sentimental feeling for me. I didn't do any shopping because I didn't really want to face the hoards of people out looking for bargains. The hubby had to do a bit of work in the morning and when he got back we enjoyed another huge meal.

We survived our first Christmas without our son. I cooked myself silly this holiday season. Our fridge is filled with left-overs. I made mulled wine for the first time (super yummy by the way). We lit our son's candle every day. We both ate and drank too much. We spent time together.  We cried for our baby boy.

We remembered him. We miss him.

Yes, We Are Having Christmas This Year

Yes, we are living in a different country than our family. Yes, we have to stay here in the UK because of my husband's job. Yes, we are still wrapped in a blanket of grief since losing our baby boy. And YES, we are having Christmas this year!!!

To be honest, we both really need it. It's been a rough road these past four months. A road full of tear-filled pot holes and gut wrenching speed bumps. It is dark and grey in London and the short days make me want to curl up in my bed and never go outside. But early on, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would not let this tragic event become what defines me. Yes, I have lost my first and perhaps only child; and yes, I am devastated. But I absolutely cannot allow myself to become trapped in time. Christmas is here, and I love Christmas. So we are choosing to celebrate it in the best way we can.

I will be sending out Christmas cards this year. Not the usual, "The expat life is great and here's some photos of all the fabulous places we've been on vacation this year." cards that we often send. Not the, "Look, here we are with our new baby." cards I had hoped to be sending. Instead I chose a very classy black and white card with gold trim and a single black and white photo of us. Color photos just didn't seem appropriate this year. There will be no message other than Seasons Greetings and our names. Things are different this year and our cards will reflect that.

A couple of nights ago we decorated our house and tree. We played Christmas music like we always do. We also lit our son's candle. We bought two special ornaments for our son. One is of a baby boy in a blue stocking, the other is a heart that says, "In our hearts forever." Both have his name written on them. We put his ornaments up on the tree first. Then we took a few moments to express our sadness. We both cried and held each other for a while. Then we kissed and continued to decorate our tree. It looks beautiful. We also decided not to put the angel on the top of the tree because we want to leave room for our angel to come and visit. So I suppose there is an angel on the tree, just not one you can see.

I know based on reading the blogs of other baby loss moms that what we are doing is not what everyone would choose.  I completely respect and understand why for some people, the thought of celebrating a holiday is too unbearable to even comprehend. I had those thoughts as well. but ultimately we decided that the right thing for us was to go ahead. As tempting as it was to not acknowledge Christmas this year, there's something about coming home to the smell of a tree and a house full of Christmas decorations that always makes me smile. And I really need to smile these days.

It feels almost normal. In fact, it feels a lot like a new normal.

Managing Expectations When Visiting Home- An Expat's Struggle

Do I set my expectations of my family too high? This is something I've been pondering for the last few weeks. As an expat living in London I only get home to see the family back in the US once a year. My parents visit every summer and we have had one off visits from various family members over the years. But basically, besides my parents who we see twice a year, we only see the family once a year.

Cue the whirlwind visit home. It's an action packed drive-a-palooza where the husband and I try to see and stay with everyone in a short two week period. A bit like pool balls on a billiards table, we obediently drive all over the state of California. The goal is to try and make sure we get in "quality time" with our various family members who don't even have the decency to all live in the same place.

After the driving (7 hours between southern and northern California) comes the visits. Now normally when you see your extended family it's in short bursts. A dinner for a birthday, or a Sunday lunch, or a meal for a holiday. But rarely (unless you're still living with them) do you go from not seeing someone at all to being on top of them 24/7 sleeping in their guest rooms and sitting our their couches "visiting." I find that within an hour or so of each of these visits I'm ready for a break. I've missed these people all year and couldn't wait to see them, but now I'm starting to remember the things about them that drive me crazy.

So much pressure is put on these visits as well. Trying to squeeze in a year's worth of experiences into a couple of days is exhausting. Any suggestion of doing things not with the whole group is instantly taken as rejection. "I don't want to go to the park," is taken to mean, "I don't want to spend time with you." When really I just don't want to go to the park and watch people happily playing with their babies when I've just lost mine. Wanting to spend some quiet time reading a book is seen as, "you don't want to spend time with me," when really it's just that I need a few moments of quiet in my day. It's an exhausting balancing act where we try and make everyone happy and end the time feeling like we didn't get a vacation at all.

Then add onto it that this particular visit was the first one after losing our son. I don't know what I was expecting from my family, but quite a few of them let me down. Somehow I was expecting more sympathy and questions about how we are coping. But instead I got the same old conversations about the same old things. A few family members even opted to take our time to talk all about themselves.

I left the US very disappointed. But now that I've had time to reflect, maybe I was just expecting too much. After all, they only get to see us once a year and I'm sure they just didn't know what to say. It's not like there's a manual on how to help a family member who's lost a child. Perhaps they didn't want to upset me with questions? Perhaps they wanted our memories of the visit to be happy? Perhaps they were waiting for me to bring it up?

Perhaps I need to give them a break??