Progress

Last night I had a phone conversation with my fertility doctor. "Why a phone call?" you may ask. Well I have to talk to him on the phone because he's in the US.

If you haven't been following me for long, let me catch you up. We used a US based fertility clinic to add Frostina to our family. The reason we used a clinic in the US instead of one here in the UK is because there is a severe shortage of egg donors in the UK.

In the US the rules and regulations are different and as a result there are plenty of egg donors available. Lots of people from the UK go to Europe for donor eggs, but since we're American the US felt like a better fit. It's also a lot more expensive and takes longer to fly to, but it was worth it.

My doctor asked about Frostina and how my pregnancy with her went. After I filled him in on all the details and answered a few questions about my general health and monthly cycles he said we're fine to move forward. They still have The Hubby's "contribution" on ice so he won't have to do anything. I think he was a bit disappointed because he really liked the clinic's "collection room" which I wrote about back in 2011.

My next step is to have a saline sonogram at a clinic here in London. After that The Hubby and I have to get updated infectious disease tests done (HIV, hepatitis, and a couple more I think). We have had these tests done several times already, but as anyone who undergoes any kind of fertility treatment knows, they have to be within the past 12 months. Which means ours have expired.

After that we will be given access to the clinic's donor database and we go from there. Sadly, the donor we used for Frostina is no longer available and we have no more frozen embryos. I would have liked to be able to use the same donor this time so any sibling would be 100% genetically related, but alas this will not be the case. I suppose in the long term this is not a huge deal, it just would have been nice not to have to go through the selection process all over again.

Best case scenario, I could be booking a date for a transfer in 3-4 months. Though I think realistically it will take longer than that. These things always do.

So it's a long way to go, but at least we have some progress.

Maybe I Have Colic Too?

Frostina has colic.

It's not the worst case of colic I've ever heard of, trust me I've heard some stories. But it's distressing nontheless. She cries and screams and just won't settle. Usually it happens around 7 or 8 at night and can continue until midnight. It's not every day, although we have been on a 3 day streak.

I've read all the books and tried a bunch of different things to help calm her. Nothing seems to work except holding her close, walking around, and waiting until she finally wear herself out and falls asleep. By this time, The Hubby and I are also exhausted and we all fall asleep. After an episode of colic she sleeps very well and wakes up the next morning in a great mood. As if the events of the night before never happened.

It's strange watching your happy baby suddenly transform into a unhappy fussy little person. It's frustrating when there's nothing you can really do to fix it for her. We don't know the cause and we really can't fix it until she gets a bit older and grows out of it. Until then we just have to learn how to cope with an unpredictable baby.

I can relate to Frostina's mood swings because I am having them myself.

I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me. Is it normal baby blues? Is it post natal depression? Is my period getting ready to start again and I have PMS? Whatever it is, my hormones are still not settled and as a result I swing from feeling totally happy and in love with my baby to totally exhausted and feeling like I can't handle another night of crying.

I have noticed that my moods have a timetable of their own. I wake up each morning happy and fresh. I feed Frostina with enthusiasm and we enjoy our time in the activity center and swing. We go out for walks and sometimes meet up with friends. The two of us are a happy pair.

As evening comes, something changes. I find myelf feeling tired and riddled with fatigue. Not just physical fatigue, but emotional fatigue. It is at this point where my doubts and insecurities start to kick in. My mind fills with questions and doubts.

Did I do everything right today?
Did I give her enough tummy time?
Did I give her enough stimulation via music and the activity center?
Did I cuddle her enough?
Why didn't I manage to give her a bath today?
Is it ok to let her sleep in her daytime clothes or should I be switching her to pajamas?
Is it bad that I haven't figured out a bedtime routine yet?
Should I be reading books to her?
Am I a good mother?
Am I doing a good job?
Am I doing everything right? - I seem to be obsessed with doing everything right.

Exhausted with this list yet? I know I am.

This list of questions and doubts (and lots more) starts floating around in my head. Am I a good mother? Does the fact that I doubt myself make me a bad mother? Does the fact that sometimes I wish there was someone else who could swoop in when she's crying and make it all better make me a bad mother? Don't get me wrong, The Hubby is amazing and a huge help, but sometimes (especially during her fussy colicky moments) all she wants is me.

As the evening turns into night and these doubts and worries have had a chance to stew in my head I start to get anxious. Anxious that she will be colicky again tonight. Anxious that it's my fault that she's so fussy and won't settle. Worried that she will cry until late in the night and I won't be able to get enough sleep to make it through the next day.

This anxiety and worry exhaust me and I get to the point where all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. Of course, this isn't possible during a night of colic because no one could sleep through the crying. So I often find myself crying right along with her.

The worst part of it all is that I get mad at myself for feeling this way. After all, she is my rainbow baby. When we lost our son I longed for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. I always swore that if I was ever lucky enough to have a rainbow baby I would embrace it all. I swore I would never complain, because a fussy baby is always better than a dead one.

So I beat myself up for being ungrateful. How can I have a moment of unhappiness about Frostina when she alive and here with us?

She's my take home baby. The one I prayed for. The one I wanted more than anything in life. So how can I reconcile the fact that sometimes I just wish I could escape from all the crying? Not ever to escape from her of course, but sometimes I just wish the crying fairy would come in and calm her down and get her to sleep.

Last night I had a talk with The Hubby about my moods. He's a bit worried as well. Neither of us can figure out exactly what it is or how to deal with it. So for now we're taking it day by day and hope that in time it will go away.

That's when I realized that my moods flux just like Frostina's. We both wake up each morning happy as can be and get fussy at night. So that's when it hit me. Maybe I have colic too?

An Amazing Letter From My Mother

We're getting ready to start our donor egg IVF cycle and I was talking with my parents about it over the weekend. They are hugely supportive of what we are doing because they know exactly what we are going through. You see, when I was 2 years old my Mother had a stillborn son. The cause was doctor error,, they pierced the umbilical cord during an amnio in the 8th month. She had no idea anything was wrong until the next appointment when they found no heartbeat. This was back in the 1970's when people weren't nearly as sensitive to these things. They told her to go home and wait for labor, which took almost two weeks to happen. In the meantime she had 2 year-old me to chase around and there was no hiding the bump. After my brother was born, they whisked him away and a priest came to visit and told her she was young and could have more babies. They never named him and don't know where exactly he is buried.

I am telling you this to give you some context to the amazing email that she wrote me after our conversation. In this amazing letter she is writing to me not just as my Mother, but as a fellow BLM. She doesn't know I blog so I'm sure she won't mind that I share it with all of you. I will post this as she sent it, except for a few minor edits to remove some names.

I found it very inspiring to hear the words of a fellow BLM who is over 30 years into her journey. She has amazing perspective and I hope her words can help comfort you as much as they comforted me.

Dearest  "My New Normal",

Today when we were talking, I realized the enormity of all you have been through. You have been through shock, loss, pain, grief, depression, and finally hope. You have also felt the love and support of your husband, family, friends, and fellow sisters who have lost their babies! Each of us has tried to give you our words, shoulders and most of all our healing love! You've found the words and poems that describe your own grief and feelings. 

I too sought the same things. The sharing of sadness, learning that what we think and feel is universal, creates a comforting connection between us and other women, and helps to validate what we personally think and feel. To heal it is absolutely necessary to understand exactly what we have been through, as we try to measure our progress toward recovery. 

I learned that I was forever changed, but also learned that while I had deep pain, I also had a strength I had not known I possessed. Like I've heard you say, I would never wish this upon anyone, but I do believe that the only way we get through such crushing loss, is with the nearness, and caring of our loved ones, and all who helped us were placed in our lives by God. People who were there when we needed them, said the words we needed to hear, were put there by God. Our friends are the hands of God here on earth.

I think I pondered the same things you have, and so for 2 years I waited for the magical moment when I'd feel completely healed and ready to try again. Then I realized that the next step would not be as I expected. I saw that I needed to go forward, and that it would take a "leap of faith", and I was not sure I could be brave enough. So your dad and I just decided to look ahead, think positively  and trust in the ultimate compassion of God.

You know that goodness surrounds you, and if you look in the right places and continue to reach out for the "healing touch" you will find the comfort that will give you hope and joy . What I want most for you, is to shift your total focus toward the future. Allow yourself to wish, hope, and pray for everything that you two want. I read a phrase that said, “I will have my angels encamped around you because I want to protect you”. Dad and I will begin again to pray nightly for you and "the hubby" to be blessed with a "gift from God".

We love you and are with you!

Mom and Dad

 

Too Many Balls in The Air

Seriously! Could I just get one thing settled please???

I have too much going on right now and it's driving me absolutely nuts.

Here are the balls I'm juggling at the moment.

1. Grieving my son (this one is a biggie).
2. Having to move to a new flat.
3. Our upcoming Egg Donor IVF cycle.
4. Planning a trip home to see the family.
5. My hubby's potential new job role.
6. All the rest of normal life stuff.

Here's where I sit with all of them.

1. Grief- well that's an ongoing one which I don't expect to be settled anytime soon.
2. Moving- I swear this one is going to be the death of me. I thought we had it all sorted and now it appears it may all fall through. There are some terms on the lease that we are having trouble agreeing to. I thought this one was all settled,,,,,, but it's not. I have tons to do to prepare for this move. But I can't do any of it until we are sure where we're going and when. We have to be out of this place in early July so I'm starting to panic slightly. 
3. The cycle- this one is moving forward well. We have been checking the database and hope to find our perfect donor soon. Thanks for all the advice I got on this one. The big thing up in the air with this one is the dates. You see, we can't make other plans until we know exactly when this will all happen. So  we're in this crazy limbo where we want to make plans but we can't. I hate limbo. 
4. Trip home- was planned for late July, but may have to be pushed back if we are in the middle of our donor egg cycle. Or not if we're not. I need to book tickets in advance in order to avoid paying a fortune, but I can't. And it's driving me crazy.
5. Hubby's job- no he's not changing companies or anything. But he may be given a slightly bigger role than he currently has. If he gets it then it will involve more travel, but to some pretty cool places that I can tag along to. This is good news, but it adds stress. It hasn't officially happened yet,,,, but it might,,, or it might not. So for now it's just another ball to juggle. 
6. Normal life- well let's see, there is no food in the house. I haven't worked out in weeks. My house is a complete mess. I have a million things on my to do list. So pretty  much I've dropped this ball already.

So pretty much my whole life is in limbo right now. I am not a very good juggler and at times I feel like throwing all the balls on the floor and screaming until someone else picks them up.

Ugh!

Can we just get one thing settled???

Please???

The Kindness of Acquaintances

There is much talk about the kindness of close friends. There is also much talk about the kindness of strangers. But what about the kindness of those people who exist in between? Those people who we know and see, but not very well. People we would call acquaintances?

This post is about exactly that. It's about someone who caught me by surprise. Someone who I wouldn't expect to be thinking about me. But she was.

As I have mentioned before, I belong to an expat women's club. The women I have met through this club have been my lifeline,,,, both before and (especially) after losing my son last August. In a huge city like London, this club has brought me a sense of community and security. 

I went to our club's monthly wine tasting event. As it's a recurring event, I know all the women there. But not all of them are what I would consider my close friends. Tonight I sat next to the woman who organizes the event. Although I don't know her well, I met her when I was pregnant with my son and she is aware of what happened.

"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, " she says, "I was wondering how your Mother's day was?"

Wow!!!

Did she really just ask me that?? In person and everything???

"Not great," I say, "It was pretty rough, but I managed my way through it." I told her. I shared her about how difficult every holiday has been since losing my son. I talked about how Easter had snuck up on me and how much it sucked to have to deal with two Mother's days. 

She squeezed my hand and told me how sorry she was for my loss.

I was so touched. I mean, I don't see her every day, and I certainly don't share my grief with her. But she still thought about me that day. And she thought about me enough to ask me about it tonight.

I was overcome with gratitude. I thanked her for asking (as I tried desperately not to cry). I shared with her my sadness that more people don't ask me about my loss. They are afraid to hurt my feelings, when in truth my feelings are already crushed in a million pieces and no question asked by a caring friend is going to make things any worse.

Again, she squeezed my hand and told me that she was there for me if I ever wanted to talk. It made me feel so good, and so loved,,,,, by someone I hardly know.

It reminded me that people do still care. They do still think about my loss. Even when it seems that the whole world had moved on. It hasn't. It's just that most people don't want to mention it anymore. They are afraid to remind me of what I have lost. But not everyone. There are still a few people who are willing to reach out.

It was a great night. A night when I learned to appreciate the kindness of acquaintances.

So for those of you who are reading this who know someone who has suffered a loss..... please don't be afraid to let them know you are thinking about them. It will make their day,,,,, I promise!

Girl's Weekend- Fun, Food, and Surprising Opinions

I got back yesterday from an amazing weekend in Brussels. It was ladies only and the seven of us had an absolute blast. It was so nice to get away. Nice to get out of London, get away from my daily routine, and take a weekend off from my grief. When you're out with seven lively ladies, there's not much time to think about grief and dead babies, and that's just what I needed.

We stayed at a great hotel right in the middle of town. We ate at some amazing restaurants. We slept late. We drank a LOT. We laughed and shopped. We talked about our families and husbands. We even ran into a bunch of people who work at the US embassy at a bar. Talk about surreal, we're in a bar in Brussels and we run into a bunch of diplomats and embassy personnel. They were a fun group and seemed quite happy to hear another American accent so far from home.

There was one interesting moment at dinner. In my last post here on Friday I was asking for advice about how much of my egg donation journey I should share with people. Most of you wisely advised me to keep things private for now as I can always tell more later but can't "untell" people. So I took this advice and didn't over share,,,, even after several glasses of wine/beer/champagne.

Somehow at dinner the topic of Kelly Preston and John Travolta came up. The talk was of the fact that she recently had a baby even though she's almost 50. One of the ladies in our group said, "I'm sure she used an egg donor." My heart dropped and I tried to keep a straight face. Another friend disagreed and said that women can get pregnant even in their late 40's. I am now listening intently to this line of conversation, trying to will myself not to say anything. In this group of seven, only myself and my two close friends know about my journey. The other four women at the table have no idea.

After a bit of back and forth about what types of fertility assistance the Travoltas may or may not have had, one of my friends says, "I think it's wrong to mess around with nature too much."

Wow, I think to myself, did she really just say that??? It never would have occurred to me that she would have such a surprisingly strong opinion on the topic of assisted reproduction. I don't know her that well, but considering she's the mother of three children I think it's safe to say that she has not had to deal with infertility. So where in the world does that kind of judgement come from?

For me it was a good reminder that people out there do have opinions. Even very nice people that we see and interact with on a daily basis. So for now I think I will keep things just between my family, my close friends, and of course all of you!

Other than that one conversation, it was a great weekend. I'm so glad I went!

We're Really Going to do This.

I never thought I'd be here again. I never thought I'd be 41 and trying for another baby.

To be fair, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get pregnant. But I did, at 39, and I thought all my prayers were answered. I would have my baby at 40 and then be done. One perfect healthy child was enough. We would try hard not to spoil him and would make sure he had lots of play dates so he would learn how to share. We would love him and he would love us. We would be the perfect family of three.

"There's no heartbeat."

Those awful words that I heard at my 36 week scan. Those awful words changed everything.

So here I am at 41 getting ready to try again. I obviously have a lot of fear about the whole thing which I wrote about in this post back in January. But I've got hope as well.

We had our appointment at the fertility clinic last Friday. They did a scan of my uterus and all is well. No fibroids, no polyps, I even have a few follicles left. The consultation with the doctor raised some interesting options for us. We are quite worried about the fact that we are both carriers for cystic fibrosis. This means that we have a 1 in 4 chance of a child of ours being born with the disease. We are keen to find ways to avoid this. I don't have nearly enough follicles to do pre-genetic diagnosis (PGD) so we need to think outside the box.

"So how about using donor sperm or donor eggs?" This is the question we asked our fertility doctor on Friday. We have been considering this option for a while now. If you think about it, it's pretty much half-way between adopting and having your own children. With adoption, the child isn't genetically related to either parent. With donor eggs or sperm, the child is genetically related to one of the parents. Plus, here in the UK if you conceive a child this way it's still legally yours. No issues with lawyers or in our case immigration and visa complications.

A big smile erupted on the face of our doctor. She agreed that this could be a very good option for us. Her recommendation was to use donor eggs because of my age. Younger eggs produce better embryos and better embryos are much more likely to result in a happy healthy baby. So less likelihood of miscarriage, downs syndrome, edwards syndrome, and many other (Mother's) age related issues. Pregnancy after loss is always going to be stressful, and knowing that you are helping to decrease your chances of another loss is a huge relief. I know there are no guarantees in life, but this made me feel a lot better.

I think this is the option we are going to go for. The big issue at the moment is the cost. It's crazy expensive! My hubby does well and financially we're in a good place. But this is huge money. The kind of money that would completely deplete our savings we have set aside for when we move back to the US and need to buy a house again. My parents have offered to help out which is much appreciated. But they have no idea what kind of money we're talking about yet. I am trying to ease them into it by telling them it's "REALLY" expensive.

In my heart I know that this is what I want to do. My husband is all for it as well. So we will figure out the money side. After all, bringing home a healthy living child would be worth it.

Why Did I Start This Blog?

So what first prompted me to start this blog?? That's an easy one, I decided to start blogging when I lost my son. But it wasn't as simple as that really.

I was a total stranger to the blogging world. I knew about celebrity blogs like PerezHilton.com because I am a sucker for any kinds of celebrity news. I knew a couple of friends who had blogs, but mostly they were designed so that friends and family who lived far away could see what they were up to. I also had a friend who was setting up a blog to help promote a new business idea she had. But it never occurred that the blogging world was one for me.

One day I was having lunch with a new friend who as it turns out is in the publishing business. She was telling me about her job and the writers she works with. I was sharing my grief  with her. It was at that moment that she asked me this question.

"Do you write?" she asked. My answer, "Well I update my status on Facebook." She said, "You should start a blog about what you are going through, it would be really good for you to get your feelings out."

I was very hesitant at first. I've never been a diary kind of gal and the idea of writing about my innermost feelings and then releasing them for the internet to see is a pretty scary one. I had flashbacks to the 12 year old me when my little sister showed my diary to our babysitter who was two years older than me. In it I had written about a boy that I liked and this babysitter knew him. Total humiliation. So I told her no, I didn't want to write a blog because I was a very private person.

But the idea stuck. Maybe I should start a blog? Maybe getting my feelings out on paper (so to speak) would be good for me? Maybe it would help me heal? Maybe it would help me feel "normal" again.

The idea brewed in my head for about a week. It was the week before we we were flying home to see the family for the first time since losing our son. It should have been a happy trip, one where we were introducing our infant son to our family. Instead it was a trip home with his ashes. A trip to have his ashes blessed instead of having him baptized. It was going to be one of the hardest trips of my life.

And that's when I knew that I needed to write. Not for anyone else to read necessarily, but for me. I needed a release, I needed an outlet. I needed a blog. So I wrote this post about how hard it was to pack for this trip, the one that should have been for 3 people but was now just for 2.

And I haven't looked back since.

Where is That Crystal Ball When You Need It?

Photo courtesy of photos8.com

Don't you ever wish you could see into the future so you would know what to do next? Well that's how I'm feeling these days.

It's a new year, a fresh start, and time to start making some decisions about what's coming next. Since we lost our son in August we've been in survival mode. Walking through life in a grief filled stupor. It feels a bit like when you're walking in dense fog and can only see a few inches in front of you. So you walk slowly and with great care, constantly looking around you to make sure you don't walk into anything or fall off a curb. I think we're both at the point where the fog is beginning to clear and we can start to see our future in front of us, although right now it's still pretty fuzzy.

We both agree that we want to try for another baby. But it's not that simple for us. It took us seven years to conceive our son with the help of fertility doctors and it's been my only pregnancy. So we really don't know if I will get pregnant again. Also, we are both carriers for cystic fibrosis so any child we conceive will have a 1 in 4 chance of having the disease. We got very lucky with our son when genetic tests showed he would not have it and I'm not sure we'll be that lucky again. And of course there's my age. We started trying to get pregnant when I was 33 and I was 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday when we finally got our positive pregnancy test. So you do the math. Yes, that makes me 41 (well not until this weekend) which is not exactly the ideal age for pregnancy.

Which is why I am wanting that crystal ball. To tell me if I will be able to have a successful pregnancy if I try again. To save me the agony of trying and failing, or trying and having another tragedy like this time. To tell me if I should just accept the fact that I will never have a child. To tell me I should start thinking about adoption. I want a crystal ball to tell me which decision will be the right one. I want it to tell me which way things are going to go. I want it to save me from being hurt like this again.

That's not too much to ask,,, is it???

Speaking your mind feels great!

I should speak up more often! It feels great and if you don't let people know they are upsetting you then how can you expect them to change their behaviour? Actually, it is yet to be seen if any future behaviour will change, but a girl can dream right??

A few days I posted this about an exchange with my sister that really upset me. After our conversation I think she sensed something was wrong and sent me an email asking if I was mad at her.

Now normally I would respond that everything was fine because I don't like confrontation. But this time I was so upset that I felt she needed to know about it. With nervous anticipation I sent her a reply telling her how selfish I thought she had been. As is typical, she overreacted and got very dramatic. After a few very wordy email exchanges I think she finally gets my point. Not that she has accepted acting selfishly (that would be a miracle) but she acknowledges that what she did hurt me and she has apologized for that.

As someone who normally runs away from any type of conflict this was a big step for me. Maybe peace at any cost really isn't the best motto. Maybe I need to grow some balls and speak up more often, it sure felt great!