Finally Packing For 3 - Part 2

We leave tomorrow at 8am to fly back to the US to see the family for the first time since Frostina was born.

I'm completely overwhelmed. Of course I'm super excited to finally get to introduce a living baby of mine to to the family.... but boy do babies need a lot of stuff. I have no idea how we're going to get all this stuff on the plane.

Yikes! Mama needs a glass of wine!

And I need to get packing too!

Beta = Not Pregnant

My 2 week wait is officially over and my beta came out negative. I can't say was surprised because I finally cracked and peed on a stick a few hours before the call came in. I figured I could live with the "false negative" the nurse scared me with for a few hours.

Alas, the phone call only confirmed what the lovely digital stick had already mocked me with. I am not pregnant.

I'm disappointed for sure. But I'm not devastated. It took us more than one IUI to get pregnant with my son and it took many years to even get that far. The hubby and I never do things the easy way. Why get something done quick and easy when there is a longer, more painful, and more costly way,,,, right?

Denial you ask? How can you possibly not be crushed at the negative result? I have to say that I don't think I'm in denial. I gave the tears a pretty good chance to come but they never arrived. The old me would have buried myself in bed for a good old cry for sure.

But the old me had never been pregnant before. The old me didn't realize that getting pregnant is only the beginning of the struggle. The beginning of the worrying. And the beginning of all the things that can go wrong.

I suppose losing a full term baby gives you a different perspective on things.

Yes, I'm disappointed. I wanted to be one of those success stories. Someone who tried egg donation and got pregnant on the first try. I'm not happy that we have to go through this all over again. I'm not happy that I've been injecting myself with hormones for nothing. Or that I spent a week in Spain and didn't get to drink any wine or eat any jamon iberico (and I really love that stuff). Going through a full IVF cycle and coming up with a negative beta is definitely a knock back.

But the knock back of a failed cycle is nowhere near the crushing blow of losing your baby at 36 weeks. I'm not negating it or brushing it off saying it's nothing. But it's nowhere near the worst thing that's happened to me this year. I've been through much worse.

Plus we have a plan already for cycle #2. The nurse told me to stop my injections and wait for my period. She said to expect it to be heavier and more uncomfortable since they worked hard to get me such a good thick lining. Ugh, I am not looking forward to that. So to prepare for this I went out to the store and bought myself a PMS kit. What is a PMS kit you ask??? Well here it is.

Everything a girl needs. Notice the Spanish wine to help make up for last week.

If I'm honest I'm sure I'll need more wine and more chocolate, but I didn't want you all to think I'm a total alcoholic! Oh, and even though the Rolo bag says love to share, I'm definitely not sharing them!

Once I get my monthly friend I can go back on the birth control pill and get ready for my frozen cycle. Don't forget, I've got a frosty waiting for me at the clinic. According to the nurse, it is another grade AA blastocyst. And the frozen cycle goes faster than a fresh one because I don't have to sync up with anyone else and we already know we've got a good embryo.

So while I'm not happy that things didn't work out the first time around, I am happy that we've already got a plan for cycle #2.

Pouring my heart out

The One Where I Poke Myself With a Needle

*I'm going with the "Friends" style blog title again. Not sure how many of these I will do but hopefully I will stop before it becomes too annoying.

I am officially in my Mock Cycle!

*Insert cheers and applause here* 

As a confirmed needle-phobe (if that's even a word) I was not looking forward to this day. Well I was, but not about the needle part. As I may have mentioned before, the option of having my husband do the injections for me is a no go!

There are three reasons for this.

1. He has a crazy work travel schedule. He's often gone 2-3 days a week. In fact, a week where he's home all 7 days is a rarity. He doesn't always know ahead of time when he will have to travel so it's impossible to plan injections around his schedule. So I would have to do some of them myself anyway.
2. He is also a needle-phobe and a big scaredy cat! When the nurse brought in all the needles and stuff to demonstrate how to do the injections I thought he was going to pass out. The look on his face was one of horror and fear. There's no way I'm letting that guy anywhere near me with a syringe. So if I have to do some of them, I would rather just do all of them.
3. The needle for self injections is smaller. If the hubby does them they would be in my hip with a 1.5 inch needle. If I do them myself they go in my thigh with a 1 inch needle. I know it's only a half an inch, but shorter needles are always better I say.

So after a quick call to my nurse to make sure it was time to start I began the process of psyching myself up for the first injection.

Here is a photo of my prep kit. 

As you can see it contains all the essentials a girl would need before jabbing herself.

• Medication
• Syringe
• Needle
• Cotton Ball
• My son's candle- for moral support.
• Wine- do I really need to explain? Only a few sips allowed before and the rest after.
• My handbag, Michael Kors- not supposed to be in the shot but I was nervous and forgot to move it, but maybe it helped too?

Once I got all my kit assembled I was ready to go. The hubby wanted to know how he could help. I told him to stay out of the room and don't watch me. I know, I'm such a loving wife! : )

I carefully attached the needle used for drawing the meds into the syringe. Success! 

Then I switched to the injection needle (don't want a dull needle). Success! 

Then the hard part. 

Sip of wine for courage. 

Ready,,,,,, wait, stop. 

"Have you done it yet?" comes a voice from the other room. "No," I say. 

Sip of wine for courage. 

Ready,,,,,, wait, stop. 

"Have you done it yet?" comes a voice from the other room. "No," I say.  

Sip of wine for courage. 

Ready,,,,,, wait, stop. 

"Have you done it yet?" comes a voice from the other room. "No," I say.  

Sip of wine for courage.

This goes on for about 20 minutes until I finally yell at the hubby to shut up and stop asking me how I'm doing.

Getting my nerve, losing my nerve. 

Another sip of wine. 

A few deep breaths. 

Ready,,,,,, go! 

Success! 

It didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would. Meds injected. Bandaid (plaster for you Brits) on. Photos taken for my blog (which the hubby thinks is hilarious).

Here's the proof. 

*Please ignore my pastey white leg with all the freckles on it. It's a good thing I blog anonymously or I would never have the balls to post a photo of my marshmallow thigh on this site.

I did it!! I'm so proud of myself. I have to do it again in a few days but now that I know it doesn't hurt that bad it won't be nearly as scary. 

Just the first step of Mission, Take Home Baby!

Happy List

Once again I'm participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays. I've taken a few weeks off because sometimes it's hard to come up with happy things. But not this week. So here goes.

1. My bag-o-meds. I'm not at all happy about having to inject myself (I haven't gone totally crazy). But I'm happy that we have a plan. This bag represents a path forward, hope, and optimism. I do wish that our plan didn't involve needles, but hey,,,, I've been through much worse.

2. Clear tubes. I can't believe I'm posting this photo a second time. But they mean we can move forward with our egg donation + IVF cycle. And that's a good thing.

3. Sunny days. Please note that this photo was taken on a holiday to Dubai last year,,, this is not London. But a sunny day in London makes me feel like I'm on holiday. And holidays make me happy.

4. Wine with friends. Such a nice way to spend an evening. And some macaroons if you've got them. Again, this photo was taken on a weekend away in France. I think the fact that I'm digging out old holiday photos means I need to plan another one soon.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

The Club That No One Wants To Join

I have found myself a part of a very exclusive club. It's a secret club that you only find out about once you're invited to join. The price of membership is very high and there are no refunds. Once you become a member, you are a member for life. No matter where you go or what you do, you will always belong to this club. It is an all-inclusive group of men and women from around the world. This club does not discriminate against anyone for any reason. It is one of the most diverse clubs around. Equal opportunity reigns free here.

What is this fabulous club, you ask? What is the price of membership? How did you hear about it? How do I sign up?

The answer is this...

The club goes by many different names but I call it the Baby Loss Mom's Club. The price of membership is the life of your child. No one tells you about it in advance, it's a very secretive society. But when your baby dies you gain instant membership.

It's the club that no one wants to join,,, and I'm a member.

If you are reading this then it's highly likely that you are a member too. If this is the case then I am very sorry.

The only good thing about being in the club is that it is filled with amazing people who support each other. When the rest of the world is busy moving on and not wanting to talk about our loss anymore, our fellow members are still there. They grieve along side us. They get us. They are us.

So thank you to all my fellow BLM's who have been there for me during my journey through grief. I don't think I could do this without you. I only wish I could have met you through a different club, like maybe a wine tasting club, or a travel club. I wish that our children could have met each other and played together here on earth and not in some other place like heaven, or an alternate universe, or another dimension.

I wish we all weren't members of this club. The club that no one wants to join.

Girl's Weekend- Fun, Food, and Surprising Opinions

I got back yesterday from an amazing weekend in Brussels. It was ladies only and the seven of us had an absolute blast. It was so nice to get away. Nice to get out of London, get away from my daily routine, and take a weekend off from my grief. When you're out with seven lively ladies, there's not much time to think about grief and dead babies, and that's just what I needed.

We stayed at a great hotel right in the middle of town. We ate at some amazing restaurants. We slept late. We drank a LOT. We laughed and shopped. We talked about our families and husbands. We even ran into a bunch of people who work at the US embassy at a bar. Talk about surreal, we're in a bar in Brussels and we run into a bunch of diplomats and embassy personnel. They were a fun group and seemed quite happy to hear another American accent so far from home.

There was one interesting moment at dinner. In my last post here on Friday I was asking for advice about how much of my egg donation journey I should share with people. Most of you wisely advised me to keep things private for now as I can always tell more later but can't "untell" people. So I took this advice and didn't over share,,,, even after several glasses of wine/beer/champagne.

Somehow at dinner the topic of Kelly Preston and John Travolta came up. The talk was of the fact that she recently had a baby even though she's almost 50. One of the ladies in our group said, "I'm sure she used an egg donor." My heart dropped and I tried to keep a straight face. Another friend disagreed and said that women can get pregnant even in their late 40's. I am now listening intently to this line of conversation, trying to will myself not to say anything. In this group of seven, only myself and my two close friends know about my journey. The other four women at the table have no idea.

After a bit of back and forth about what types of fertility assistance the Travoltas may or may not have had, one of my friends says, "I think it's wrong to mess around with nature too much."

Wow, I think to myself, did she really just say that??? It never would have occurred to me that she would have such a surprisingly strong opinion on the topic of assisted reproduction. I don't know her that well, but considering she's the mother of three children I think it's safe to say that she has not had to deal with infertility. So where in the world does that kind of judgement come from?

For me it was a good reminder that people out there do have opinions. Even very nice people that we see and interact with on a daily basis. So for now I think I will keep things just between my family, my close friends, and of course all of you!

Other than that one conversation, it was a great weekend. I'm so glad I went!

This Week I'm Grateful For

I've been through a lot these past few months and it's easy to get caught up in the sadness and the grief. So when I saw this idea over at Maxabella loves I just knew I had to participate. I need to spend more time thinking about the things that are good in life. Even through all this grief, I have things to be grateful for.

So here goes. This week I'm grateful for....

• Exercise- I started doing it to try and lose the jelly belly that pregnancy leaves behind. One thing I didn't realize is how much better I feel now. Not just physically but mentally. I can feel my dark mood lifting the more I get out there and sweat. It's like free therapy, and it also helps you get rid of the jelly belly. Mine is still here, but it's losing a bit of it's wobble.
• Friends- I have the most amazing friends who have really supported me. I don't know what I would do without them, especially since my family lives in a different country than I do.
• Wine- My husband will laugh when he sees this one. Wine is like magic. It brings people together. It makes anything more fun. There are so many different kinds of wine so you never get bored. There's always a good reason to have wine. It's complex and interesting and I love learning more about how it's made. Oh, and I also really like to drink it! : )

Enjoying a glass in Bordeaux, France

We Survived Christmas

I am so happy and relieved that it's the 27th of December today. No more Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or Boxing Day celebrations to get through. The holidays are over for another year. Another year for me to get stronger, heal a bit more, and to hopefully find my 'new normal' before I have to face Christmas again.


I am also happy to report that we survived! Christmas is a pretty big deal around our house, especially since we are expats and live far from our family. Because of my husband's job, flying back to be with the family is not an option so we spend Christmas with just the two of us. I had dreamed of it being just the three of us this time, but that was not to be. So when we made the decision to celebrate Christmas this year I knew we were doing the right thing. I also knew it would not be easy, and I was right.

I think Christmas Eve was the toughest day. Last year on Christmas Eve was when I found out I was pregnant so it was two milestones in one. It hit my husband even harder than it hit me. As we sat together on the couch with tears streaming down our faces I was reminded how much I love this man. A man who is not afraid to show his grief and to share it with me. In a way it was nice to be able to comfort him because most of the time our roles are reversed and it is he who is comforting me.

We had been invited out for some after dinner drinks at a local pub (Ah, pubs,,, one of the things I love about England). We considered not going because of our sad moods, but then decided to go. I have to say, it was the best decision we could have made. It was the perfect end to the day. We had spent time together celebrating Christmas Eve and eating a great dinner (if I do say so myself). Then we spent some time honoring the memory of our son. Then we went out and spent some time with new friends. We talked, and joked, and laughed. It was exactly what we needed.

On Christmas Day, we opened our presents and then hubby made a fabulous breakfast. He slept off his minor hang over from the night before on the couch while I got things ready for our big dinner. Of course there was a huge baby-shaped hole in our day. It would have been so much better if our son had been with us. I imagined the toys and baby clothes that might have been wrapped under the tree. I imagined being stressed out about making dinner while taking care of baby at the same time. I imagined holding him in my arms. I imagined putting him in his cute Christmas outfit and showing him off to my family on Skype. I imagined a lot of things, but none of them would really get to happen. It was just my wonderful husband and me this year and that would have to be enough. We are all each other has left at the moment.

Boxing Day was easier. I think it's because I didn't grow up celebrating it so there's not as much of a sentimental feeling for me. I didn't do any shopping because I didn't really want to face the hoards of people out looking for bargains. The hubby had to do a bit of work in the morning and when he got back we enjoyed another huge meal.

We survived our first Christmas without our son. I cooked myself silly this holiday season. Our fridge is filled with left-overs. I made mulled wine for the first time (super yummy by the way). We lit our son's candle every day. We both ate and drank too much. We spent time together.  We cried for our baby boy.

We remembered him. We miss him.

Friends and wine are like magic

What a difference a few hours can make. After the terrible day I've had I almost didn't go to the wine tasting event I had scheduled with some friends. I'm so glad I forced myself to get off my couch and go. I had the best time tonight. I really do have some fabulous friends (who by the way had no idea that I've spent the entire day crying). I think the lesson here is to keep busier and not have so much down time. Or maybe it's all about the wine! : )

Wine and rings

I am going to be getting a new ring with our son's name engraved inside. It's sort of a push present, plus ring upgrade, plus memorial all in one. I normally love jewelery shopping but this time it's different. We only have a few days on our own this trip and I couldn't find exactly what I wanted so at this point I still have no new ring. I think I have decided what I want but am starting to stress a bit that we won't have time to get back to the shop to get it. I know it sounds a bit superficial to be stressing about buying jewelery, but it's so much more than just a bigger diamond. It really is a new ring to reflect the love and commitment I have with my husband and our son. So it has to be perfect and I think that's why I'm having so much trouble making a final decision.

After our day of jewelery shopping it was time to move on to the next part of our trip. My sister lives in Central California and there are a bunch of great vineyards nearby her house. We drove up to visit her and stayed at a beautiful hotel on a cliff overlooking the ocean. The view was absolutely fantastic. There is something so calming about being able to hear the ocean. Here was the view I got to see each morning.

My parents came up as well and we all went wine tasting. It was so much fun. The wine country here is absolutely stunning. It's like driving through a postcard. There's something about visiting small vineyards and tasting wine that just make me happy. I bought too much wine to take back with me to London so I will have to drink a few bottles while I'm here!