Shields Up

This pregnancy I have become a master at defense mechanisms. Not by choice really, but it seems to be my standard operating mode- Full Shields Up.

I spent the entire pregnancy with Frostina being scared. Petrified would be a better word. I was sure that at any moment it would all go wrong again. I fretted and cried and fretted some more. I made myself miserable with stress and fear and worry. I'm not upset at myself about it because it was the only way I knew how to be pregnant after a loss. It was my standard operating mode.

This time around things are very different. For one thing, I have Frostina to chase around. Plus there's the international move, trying to find a new house, and getting my new life sorted here in Florida. I am busy and have much less time to sit around being scared.

But it's more than that I think. I think this time around I just can't be fearful the entire time. I can't be worried all the time that this baby will die. I barely survived a fear-filled pregnancy and I think I just can't do it again. So my smart little brain has figured out how to put the walls up and help me to focus on the rest of my life, not just the pregnancy. I have no idea how it happened or how long it will last. I may wake up tomorrow and feel completely different,,, and that's ok,,, but for now this is how I feel and what seems to be working for me.

A bit of the old me has crept back in. The old me that stayed away from sad and scary stories. The old me that truly believed that ignorance in some cases is bliss. The old me that actually allows myself to believe that being pregnant means you will be coming home with a living baby in the end. I'm not as foolish as the old me though. I do know that avoiding bad thoughts and stories doesn't protect you from having them happen. This time I am choosing to focus on the positive as opposed to hiding from the negative.

I have found myself shying away from many of my old haunts here in the internet. I am no longer drawn to every sad story of women who like me have lost children. Not because I don't care about them or don't relate anymore,,,, because I still do. But more because I don't need to connect to the pain of others the way I used to. There was a time when I craved that kind of affirmation, to know I wasn't alone. But now it all feels a bit too much, a bit too indulgent, a bit like I need to spend my time focusing on my life as it is now.

Trust me, this is not a happy, I'm over it now post. I'm so not over it. But I can't dwell on it like I used to. I can't let it consume me day in and day out. I have to do things like paint Baby Olea's room in the new house and go through Frostina's old clothes to see how many are suitable for the sunny Florida climate.

I have to move forward and live my life. And for now that means not dwelling so much on the past. Never forgetting my beloved son of course, but perhaps filing things away. Away behind the defensive walls, behind the shields. The way you put important things away in a very safe place you know you can revisit when you need to. Put away for safe keeping as opposed to being put in a frame sitting in your front room.

One Perfect Heartbeat

What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.

One perfect heartbeat.

That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.

What an amazing feeling.

So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.

I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.

Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.

So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!

I hope and pray.

Such A Cute View

Frostina was a bit of a late crawler which had me pretty worried for a while there. Once she got the hang of that it wasn't long until she was walking. It's been nice to finally see her being able to keep up with the other toddlers her age. *Side note- I love that I can say I have a toddler* She is having a blast exploring the world around her.

Now that she's walking I notice that I do a lot more chasing than I used to. She's getting really quick these days. Especially if I have forgotten to shut the baby gate or a door leading into a forbidden room. Then she's off with a squeal and a flash.

I find I spend quite a bit of time looking at the back of her, and the view is pretty cute. Don't you think?

Exploring our back garden

Checking out her shadow

On the way to the Halloween Parade

At the local park

It is me...........the Hubby

My wife has asked me many times over the last year+ if I wanted to "guest post". I always said NO, this was her space. I still believe it is, and I am pretty sure this will be my one and only post. After this I will go back to being a fan........

June 8th, 2012 was the happiest day of my life. At 8:49am when I heard that wonderful sound.....the sound of my baby girl........our Frostina crying as she entered this world. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT!  In a instant, overwhelming joy..and yes RELIEF swept through my body. SHE MADE IT!

In order to get to this moment, I want to express my thoughts about 3 "people".

The 1st is someone I will never know. There are many people like her...........women who for some reason have chosen to give a gift. A gift that can never be repaid. Why these women choose to do this, what inspires them, what motivates them, I will never understand. But for the lady who donated her eggs....so that my wife and I could be parents........to make Frostina a possibility....THANK YOU. I hope somehow you "know"......I am forever GRATEFUL!

The 2nd "person" I want to recognise is......YOU. Yes you. the loyal followers to my wife's blog. When she started this, it was her way to go somewhere private, to write what she was feeling........no one to judge her. No family, no friends....and yes at first no hubby. Just her "place".

What this blog has turned into, truly amazes me. The community of support. Women with similar stories and loss and struggle. Whether you know it or not, you have been something for her no one else could be. But without you, I'm not sure if she could have made this journey. You have motivated, inspired and supported my wife so wonderfully from her 1st blog about losing our son, through some funny moments ( top 10 infertility list) to the joy of Frostina's arrival. THANK YOU!

The 3rd..of course is my wife. I know you say you do not feel like it at times. But you are truly the strongest person I know. If not for your strength, determination and most of all your LOVE...........Frostina would not be here today. I could write a book on everything you have put yourself through.........all the doctors appointments, all the flights, all the shots, all the medications.

NO ONE deserves to be called MOMMY more than you. The joy and smile on your face holding our daughter...........is so special......is truly beautiful.

We will never forgot our son...........he lives in our hearts everyday. I know he would be such a great big brother to Frostina...........

I Love you with all my heart...........

Frostina's Daddy

We Survived... Thanks For Helping Us Through This

Saturday we celebrated my Son's first birthday in heaven. I want to thank all of you for your love and support through this very difficult time. Your comments and emails brought much needed light to a very dark time. I want to thank all of you who released balloons for my son. A baby you have never met.

I loved getting the photos in my inbox. I plan to publish a post with all of them very soon. I just need to figure out how to make one of those cute photo collages first.

I also want to send a special thanks to I'm So Fancy and Jane from wordgeyser who wrote posts in honor of my son. Words can't express how happy I was to find your lovely posts in my reader. Here are the  links if you want to go and check them out. They're wonderful and I highly recommend you give them both a visit and a read.

• I'm So Fancy's post
• wordgeyser's post

It wasn't an easy day for the hubby and I. As we were just back from a week away as part of Operation Distraction, we couldn't just sit around all day and cry. We had actual things that we needed to take care of. Including food shopping, which I smartly ordered online and had delivered, picking up prescriptions, and of course getting his balloon for the balloon release.

At first I was angry that part of his special day was taken up doing normal mundane things, but then I realized that actually it was more "normal" to have other things to do.

Time doesn't stand still for grief.
Life doesn't stand still for grief.
Even when you want it to.

It was "normal" to have to do other non-dead baby things on Saturday. Because in the year since my son died, life has gone on. We still need to have food in the house. We still need to pick up medications. We still need to get more light bulbs. We still need to do all the normal things that normal people do.

Grief is an additional layer to a normal life. At first it's a smothering layer that blocks out all light and oxygen. But as time goes on, it finds a way to incorporate itself into the other layers of your life. Six months ago I wrote about the layers of grief. I had forgotten about that post until I began to write this one. Looking back at my words, I don't think I have much to add. Except that with time it does get easier to live life while also living with grief.

Obviously his birthday will always be a tough one for us. A day when the shiny top-coat we've painted over our grief chips away and we are left raw and exposed. A day when we feel that pain again, as if it had just happened yesterday. As if we had not even begun to heal.

A day when the layer where we keep our grief again becomes exposed and is once again smothering and all consuming. This feeling is like a familiar unwelcome friend who comes to stay and refuses to leave. A feeling that lingers longer than you want it to,,, but not for as long as it did in the past.

Yes it was a tough day. But we survived, because that's who we are now,,,, survivors.

The Club That No One Wants To Join

I have found myself a part of a very exclusive club. It's a secret club that you only find out about once you're invited to join. The price of membership is very high and there are no refunds. Once you become a member, you are a member for life. No matter where you go or what you do, you will always belong to this club. It is an all-inclusive group of men and women from around the world. This club does not discriminate against anyone for any reason. It is one of the most diverse clubs around. Equal opportunity reigns free here.

What is this fabulous club, you ask? What is the price of membership? How did you hear about it? How do I sign up?

The answer is this...

The club goes by many different names but I call it the Baby Loss Mom's Club. The price of membership is the life of your child. No one tells you about it in advance, it's a very secretive society. But when your baby dies you gain instant membership.

It's the club that no one wants to join,,, and I'm a member.

If you are reading this then it's highly likely that you are a member too. If this is the case then I am very sorry.

The only good thing about being in the club is that it is filled with amazing people who support each other. When the rest of the world is busy moving on and not wanting to talk about our loss anymore, our fellow members are still there. They grieve along side us. They get us. They are us.

So thank you to all my fellow BLM's who have been there for me during my journey through grief. I don't think I could do this without you. I only wish I could have met you through a different club, like maybe a wine tasting club, or a travel club. I wish that our children could have met each other and played together here on earth and not in some other place like heaven, or an alternate universe, or another dimension.

I wish we all weren't members of this club. The club that no one wants to join.

Bloggy Love

I want to say a huge thank you to Branson over at Reflection of Something.  

She has included one of my posts in her Best of the Best feature. I am so excited to have my story in such good company. Seriously, some of the posts she includes in her list are fantastic.

I highly recommend you follow the links above and visit her blog.