A Fresh Start

In preparation for our big move back to the USA we have been de-cluttering. Going through drawers and dark cupboards throwing away all the things we saved thinking we would want someday. I am amazed at how much clutter a family of 3 can manage to collect.

It can be very freeing to get rid of old stuff. I think we tend to collect it because it feels comfortable and sometimes a clean sweep is just what we need. I love the look of a newly cleaned shelf (with lots of space to buy new stuff to shove there someday). It somehow feels like a fresh start.

All was going well until I stumbled across my trusty Bag O Meds. If you've even done any kind of fertility treatment you will be familiar with this, in fact you may have one of your own. Its the bag you put all your various medications and needles in when you're in the middle of treatment.

I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but getting rid of this bag before I have another healthy baby in the house is hard for me. It almost feels arrogant to assume that just because I'm 22 weeks pregnant that all will be well and I will never need to inject myself with another vial of progesterone in oil again. Obviously that is the dream, but I know all too well that pregnancy can go wrong at any time.

So what to do with the bag and it's contents? US customs and immigration rules are very strict these days. You can't even bring food into the country in your shipment due to new bio-terrorism laws. I'm sure they would make exceptions for medicine, but do I really want to take a chance that our whole shipment will be held up in customs just for a superstition? I could carry it on the plane with me as I have done so many times before when I was in treatment, but with all the other luggage we will have it seems impractical.

When I asked The Hubby for advice he shrugged and said to dump it. He seemed confused at my hesitation. I then reminded him that I didn't get rid of the lupron left over from Frostina's IVF cycle until after she was home from the hospital. In fact, when I dug Bag O Meds out from the garage to stuff it full of medication for the cycle we just did with Baby Olea it still had progesterone and del estrogen bottles in it, expired of course.

So getting rid of it all; the needles, and the alcohol swabs, and the cotton balls, and the bandaids, and the vials of medication, and the injection schedule I got from the clinic; getting rid of it all before Baby Olea is with us is a tough one for me. Because I would rather hold onto it (just in case she says in a whisper).

But holding onto this particular bag in this particular set of circumstances just isn't practical. So I took a deep breath, grabbed a trash bag, and got to work emptying the bag. It was easy and it was hard.

I'd like to say that when it was done I felt more free. That I was happy to have a clean sweep and a fresh start. In reality I have anxiety about it. It's silly I know. If the retention of specific objects could keep babies alive then none of would ever find ourselves in the Baby Loss Mom's Club in the first place. But I found comfort in the ritual.

So now I've just got to move on and try to enjoy my fresh start.

One Perfect Heartbeat

What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.

One perfect heartbeat.

That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.

What an amazing feeling.

So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.

I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.

Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.

So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!

I hope and pray.

Of Course I Tested Early

Obviously we all know you are supposed to wait until beta test day to find out if your most recent assisted fertility treatments have worked.

But obviously I have ZERO patience so I always test early.

Just peed on a stick and the result is......... POSITIVE!

It's early days for sure and I won't know until beta day (next Tuesday) for sure. This could be a chemical pregnancy, but I'm hopeful that it's not.

Fingers crossed everyone!

P.U.P.O.

I'm officially PUPO. For those of you who have not had to burden yourselves with learning all the lingo and abbreviations that go along with infertility, PUPO means pregnant until proven otherwise.

The transfer went well. It was quite a whirlwind trip and I hardly had time to think about what was going on before it was over and done with. I missed Frostina, but not on the flights. I watched other parents walking up and down the aisles with their children and was sooooo happy it wasn't me for once.

We transferred one perfect embryo and had a couple left over to freeze. I'm hoping we won't need them, but it's nice to know they are there.

Stick little embryo, stick!

Now the dreaded 2 week wait.

Countdown To Transfer

Things have been crazy around here and I've been really bad at giving updates on my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. I finally have a transfer date..... this Wednesday, the 6th of November. Eeek!

I've got my tickets booked to fly to the clinic and now I've just got to get my parents up to speed on Frostina's routine. Lucky me, I was able to fly to my parent's house last week so I can leave Frostina with them while I have my transfer done. The Hubby has to work out of town this week so if it wasn't them then I would have to hire my once-a-week babysitter for 3 days straight, including overnights. She was happy to do it, but I have no idea how much that would have cost me.

Probably less than a flight to the US, but my parents are absolutely loving all the extra time with their granddaughter so it's all worth it. Plus I don't have to worry nearly as much about her. All I have to worry about is staying sane and not freaking out too much between now and Wednesday.

I'm sure I will update you more this week since for at least a few days I won't have a super busy toddler to wrangle. Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to a plane ride without someone climbing all over me? One where I can actually read a book and watch a movie?

I'm doing my best to stay positive and am operating on the philosophy that this will work and in a few weeks I will be getting a positive pregnancy test, and after 9 months,,,, a healthy baby brother or sister for Frostina. Fingers and toes crossed.

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

The Same, But Very Different

I've started my Lupron injections which means my current donor egg IVF cycle is officially underway.

There are lots of ways that this cycle feels very much like the ones we did a couple of years ago. I have dug out my Bag 'O Meds from the garage and filled it up with a new batch of medication, needles, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, bandaids, and of course my sharps container. I have printed my injection schedule and am crossing off the days as they go.

I'm feeling like I remember feeling the last time I started on all the hormones. I have been crying at stupid things like X-Factor. Not that X-Factor is stupid of course, but it's nothing to cry over. I'm nervous and excited just like last time as well.

But this cycle is very different than last time for one huge reason; and that reason is Frostina.

It is very different going through an IVF cycle when you have a living child to take care of. The last time around I was broken and lonely and absolutely desperate for a living child. Not just to fill the hole left in my heart when my son died, but to finally complete our family. I spent hours upon hours obsessing over every detail of my upcoming cycle. I had everything mapped out. I had a special place to do my injections and quite a bit of mental warm up before each one. I was focused.

This time around I just don't have the time to be obsessed. I don't have the time to calm myself mentally before doing each injection. I don't have time to focus. This time around I have to work them around Frostina and her needs.

This means that my daily injections look a bit like this.

1. Wait until after Frostina has finished her morning milk. Otherwise she will run around the room with her sippy cup leaving a trail of milk in her wake.
2. Put a children's program on the TV (hooray for the electronic babysitter).
3. Quickly dash out of the room when she's not looking and go to my bedroom.
4. Collect Bag 'O Meds from the closet (where I have to hide it from Frostina).
5. Unpack meds and do injection.
6. If Frostina starts crying before I'm done, try my best to ignore her and hurry up.
7. Clean up, making sure not to leave anything behind that Frostina can get her hands on.
8. Go back out to the living room and hope she hasn't managed to get into anything she wasn't supposed to when I was gone. 

Thankfully once the Lupron is done I can do the rest of the injections in the evening after Frostina has gone to bed. That will make things much more calm.

IVF- More Than Just An Injection Schedule

I'm not feeling very eloquent these days but I want to do more in this space than just list the stats and dates for this donor egg IVF cycle. There are a million places where you can read about all that and since I'm not a medical expert but a blogger, I realise that what I want to do here is talk about the journey.

It's easy to get caught up in the dates and the schedule and all the acronyms. You have to keep track of when to start each medicine and when to stop. Injections are carefully timed within a few hours of each other each day. In my case I even have to figure in time differences so that when I travel abroad I don't end up having to get up in the middle of the night to do them. It would also be nice if I could figure out a way to not have to do them on the airplane,,, but I fear that may be unavoidable.

Maybe I've been focusing on the dates and stats and appointment dates because it's easier than letting myself focus on my feelings. After all, it's a pretty scary thing to jump back on the IVF bandwagon. The hormones make what is already an emotional time a super-duper emotional time. Super-duper isn't really the right word of course but this early in the morning it's all I can come up with.

Ultimately, all the planning and injections and appointments have an end goal. This isn't just an exercise in timekeeping. It's all about the result. Will all this effort result in a pregnancy? Will a pregnancy result in a healthy baby?

If I'm not pregnant then I have to do it all over again. If I'm not pregnant, do I have the strength to do it all over again? I try not to focus on this part because I have to get through this cycle first. But at times it's hard not to get ahead of myself.

This time around I don't have nearly as much time to sit around dwelling on my feelings. I've got Frostina to look after. Frostina, my beautiful rainbow baby. She's my inspiration here. A reminder that if you don't take chances you don't get rewards. She is proof that all this can be worth it.

Frostina is almost 16 months old now and boy does she keep me busy. I hope that being busy with her will help keep me from obsessing. Not completely, but just enough so that I'm not the complete neurotic mess I was the last time. Or maybe I still will be a neurotic mess, just one with less time to be that way.

I start my Lupron injections tomorrow. Just in case you were wondering about my injection schedule. :)

And So It Begins

Well I'm officially on my way. I started on birth control pills today which is the first step in the process.

They put me on birth control pills to synch my cycle with the egg donor's. That way we can start taking all our medications in synch. We do this so that when she is ready for egg retrieval, my body is ready to hold the embryos. It's very complicated and I'm sure part of the reason that things like this are so expensive.

I don't have my complete schedule just yet, but taking this first step feels like we're finally getting this thing started. And that's a good feeling.

Just Like Escrow, But You Get A Baby Instead Of A House

I forgot just how much paperwork is involved with a donor egg IVF cycle.

First you pay the clinic an ungodly amount money. Then the dreaded paperwork begins.

Sign this and scan/email it back to us.

Sign this and send the original to me at .....

Make sure this signature is notarized.

This one doesn't have to be notarized.

Consent forms up the wazoo.

I consent to this, I consent to that.

I promise to do this and I promise not to do that.

What to do with embryos left over? What to do if one of us dies before treatment is complete (really?)?

What to do if you cut your finger on this disclosure statement?

I swear, the last time I signed this many forms I was buying a house!!!

*Well sort of. We went through this process with Frostina a couple of years ago and the last time we bought a house was in 2003,,, but you get my drift. It's a lot like going through escrow, but instead of getting a house, you get a baby (if all goes well).

Egg Donor 2.0 Has Been Selected

Ever since we made the decision to try for another baby things have been very slowly moving forward. Things always take longer than we think they will for various reasons but we finally got all the preliminary steps out of the way and were granted access to chose donor 2.0.

Choosing an egg donor is tricky business. Back in 2011 when we were choosing Frostina's donor I wrote about my struggles here and here. I just went back and re-read both posts and have to say that it was pretty much the same this time around.

Sure we knew how to do it and yes it wasn't nearly as overwhelming this time around. But this time around there was a third point to consider. Did we want to pick a donor that looked like Frostina? After all, if this whole thing works then this person will be Frostina's sibling. So considering we couldn't use the donor we did for her, should we try and find a donor who looks similar?

I know, I know, looks aren't everything. And of course we looked for a proven donor with a good medical history. But what I have learned is that looks do matter a bit. I don't mean attractive or not attractive, I mean looking like Mommy or Daddy.

People are obsessed with looks when it comes to babies. They examine every nook and cranny of your little one trying to determine who he or she looks like. If I had a pound for every time I hear how Frostina looks nothing like me I'd be a very rich woman. So this time around we did take this into consideration.

In the end I think we found a donor who ticked all the boxes. So now we pay the clinic and get this party started!

Progress

Last night I had a phone conversation with my fertility doctor. "Why a phone call?" you may ask. Well I have to talk to him on the phone because he's in the US.

If you haven't been following me for long, let me catch you up. We used a US based fertility clinic to add Frostina to our family. The reason we used a clinic in the US instead of one here in the UK is because there is a severe shortage of egg donors in the UK.

In the US the rules and regulations are different and as a result there are plenty of egg donors available. Lots of people from the UK go to Europe for donor eggs, but since we're American the US felt like a better fit. It's also a lot more expensive and takes longer to fly to, but it was worth it.

My doctor asked about Frostina and how my pregnancy with her went. After I filled him in on all the details and answered a few questions about my general health and monthly cycles he said we're fine to move forward. They still have The Hubby's "contribution" on ice so he won't have to do anything. I think he was a bit disappointed because he really liked the clinic's "collection room" which I wrote about back in 2011.

My next step is to have a saline sonogram at a clinic here in London. After that The Hubby and I have to get updated infectious disease tests done (HIV, hepatitis, and a couple more I think). We have had these tests done several times already, but as anyone who undergoes any kind of fertility treatment knows, they have to be within the past 12 months. Which means ours have expired.

After that we will be given access to the clinic's donor database and we go from there. Sadly, the donor we used for Frostina is no longer available and we have no more frozen embryos. I would have liked to be able to use the same donor this time so any sibling would be 100% genetically related, but alas this will not be the case. I suppose in the long term this is not a huge deal, it just would have been nice not to have to go through the selection process all over again.

Best case scenario, I could be booking a date for a transfer in 3-4 months. Though I think realistically it will take longer than that. These things always do.

So it's a long way to go, but at least we have some progress.

She Looks Just Like Her Daddy

That's what everyone tells me.

And they're right, she does look exactly like him. Like him in a way I didn't think was possible. I say this because I've always been one of those people who think too much is put into who the baby looks like. I've always said that babies look like babies. They look like each other. Or that they look like whoever is holding them.

Then my daughter arrived looking exactly like her father. So there goes my theory out the window.

I don't mind the comments, really I don't. People who tell me she looks just like him. Because she does.

There's just this one small thing..... she doesn't look at all like me.... and she won't... because we used an egg donor.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it during my normal day. After all, I carried her for 37 weeks and gave birth to her just like every other mother. She is my daughter. I know this in my heart and in my soul.

But when someone says to me, "I hate to say this but I don't see any of you in her, I only see her Daddy," or, "That's not your face I see, it's got to be her Father's," it feels like a tiny stab in my heart. These people with their innocent comments. Well meaning, and quite accurate in their assessment that she looks nothing like me.

They are right, and for some reason that bothers me.

I guess I was hoping that by some twist of fate she would look more like me. A physical manifestation of the love and intense connection I feel for her. Not because it changes how I feel about her,,,, it doesn't. But I was just hoping that she would and when people would tell me she looked like me I could smile and thank them with a knowing twinkle in my eye.

It bothers me that this bothers me. After all, she's my miracle rainbow baby and I'm so blessed to have her. I guess this is just something I'm going to have to get over.




linking up with Shell

It is me...........the Hubby

My wife has asked me many times over the last year+ if I wanted to "guest post". I always said NO, this was her space. I still believe it is, and I am pretty sure this will be my one and only post. After this I will go back to being a fan........

June 8th, 2012 was the happiest day of my life. At 8:49am when I heard that wonderful sound.....the sound of my baby girl........our Frostina crying as she entered this world. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT!  In a instant, overwhelming joy..and yes RELIEF swept through my body. SHE MADE IT!

In order to get to this moment, I want to express my thoughts about 3 "people".

The 1st is someone I will never know. There are many people like her...........women who for some reason have chosen to give a gift. A gift that can never be repaid. Why these women choose to do this, what inspires them, what motivates them, I will never understand. But for the lady who donated her eggs....so that my wife and I could be parents........to make Frostina a possibility....THANK YOU. I hope somehow you "know"......I am forever GRATEFUL!

The 2nd "person" I want to recognise is......YOU. Yes you. the loyal followers to my wife's blog. When she started this, it was her way to go somewhere private, to write what she was feeling........no one to judge her. No family, no friends....and yes at first no hubby. Just her "place".

What this blog has turned into, truly amazes me. The community of support. Women with similar stories and loss and struggle. Whether you know it or not, you have been something for her no one else could be. But without you, I'm not sure if she could have made this journey. You have motivated, inspired and supported my wife so wonderfully from her 1st blog about losing our son, through some funny moments ( top 10 infertility list) to the joy of Frostina's arrival. THANK YOU!

The 3rd..of course is my wife. I know you say you do not feel like it at times. But you are truly the strongest person I know. If not for your strength, determination and most of all your LOVE...........Frostina would not be here today. I could write a book on everything you have put yourself through.........all the doctors appointments, all the flights, all the shots, all the medications.

NO ONE deserves to be called MOMMY more than you. The joy and smile on your face holding our daughter...........is so special......is truly beautiful.

We will never forgot our son...........he lives in our hearts everyday. I know he would be such a great big brother to Frostina...........

I Love you with all my heart...........

Frostina's Daddy

Predictions

I am a planner. I like to know things. I like to have information. That way I can make plans. I'm not saying that my plans always work out.... take my last pregnancy for example.... but making the plans makes me happy. So I really don't like the fact that I don't know if my little Frosty is a girl or a boy.

When I was pregnant with our son we knew at 13 weeks. This is because due to The Hubby and I both being carriers for cystic fibrosis, we opted to do a CVS to make sure he would not carry the disease. When you do a CVS they can also tell you the sex of the baby. No guessing, no playing peeping Tom with the ultrasound to identify girl or boy bits, no chance of error. You know 100% that your baby is either XX or XY. Done!

This time since we used donor eggs we don't need to worry about cystic fibrosis (phew). It also means Frosty showed low risk for downs syndrome (thank you 20-something year old donor eggs). So this time we are opting not to do a CVS or an Amnio. I don't want to take any unnecessary risks with our little Frosty.

All good, except that it means I have to wait until 20 weeks to find out if we have a "Frosty" or a "Frostina" in here.

I have been feeling a boy vibe up until now. The last time I also felt boy and I was right. But then last night I had a dream about Frosty. She had been born and she was a girl. She was super cute with brown hair and brown eyes just like mine. I remember thinking that was funny since both our egg donor and The Hubby have brown hair and green eyes.

I am now wondering if I want to change my prediction from boy to girl?? I know it's all just a fun game we play with ourselves, this predicting. I know we won't know until we play peek-a-boo at 20 weeks. But I am starting to wonder if indeed I am having a girl.


I should also stress that I have no preference whatsoever. After what I've been through I just want a baby born alive and healthy.

Frosty Is Hanging In There

Today I went in for my 12 week ultrasound. Well actually I'm only 11 weeks and 4 days but you get the idea. I was doing a really good job at keeping mellow and relaxed. Right up until about an hour before the appointment time. Then I got all panicky and stressed but managed to hold it together without any tears. This is a huge improvement in my book because the last scan I couldn't sleep the night before and was a total mess the whole day.

It was really great to get to see our little Frosty again. He or she was moving all over the place and has a good healthy heartbeat. It's such a relief each time I get to see and hear that wonderful heartbeat.

All the measurements look great. I won't know the full results which include our chances for downs syndrome and a few other things until later this week, but I'm feeling pretty positive. At first our doctor was asking us about having an amnio and wanting to know our feelings on the test, but once I reminded him that we used a 20-something egg donor he retracted his comment. He said that based on what he can see, he thinks it will be highly unlikely that our results will come back with anything to worry about it.

After the appointment The Hubby asked me when we want to start telling more people. I didn't have an answer for him. I know we're almost at 12 weeks now and even though I know there is no "all clear" I do know that after 12 weeks you chances go way up. So at some point we will need to start telling people.

Telling people makes it all seem so much more real. I've been doing a pretty good job of living in a bubble of denial because so few people know. Once we tell more people, I will have to come to terms with the fact that I am indeed pregnant again. It is real,,, it is happening,,, it is real. And that's a pretty scary place for me.

I think he sensed my hesitation and understood that it was based mostly on fear. I say this because he sent me the most amazing text message about an hour later.

It said, "You deserve to be happy today. You deserve to believe that our son is looking after you and his baby brother.. or sister. I love you with all my heart." 

What an amazing man I married!

He's right of course, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be joyfully telling people that we're expecting again. I deserve to not be riddled with fear this entire pregnancy. I deserve to be able to feel hopeful and to not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I'm going to do my very best to embrace the joy when it comes. And to try not to dwell on the fear and sadness as much as that's possible. After all, Frosty deserves for his/her parents to be as excited now as we were about his/her older brother. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to manage this, but I'm sure going to try.

My Super-Classy Infertility Glossary

Fertility treatments,,,,,,, ahhhhh good times! I don't know many people who have gone through them who don't look back in horror at some of the indignities they entail.

I know, I know,,, you will tell me that bringing home a healthy baby is worth all the needle sticking and vaginal probing. And I'm not one to disagree. If in fact I am able to bring this baby home so it can cry all night and poop and pee on me I will be eternally grateful. However that does not take away from some of the things I've chosen to endure in order to get there.

What I'd like to talk about today is the actual process of getting pregnant via these doctor-assisted means. If anyone had told me that someday I'd be injecting myself with needles and doing twice daily suppositories in order to get and stay pregnant, I'd have told them they were crazy. It truly is amazing the things we are asked to do on the quest for our take-home babies.

I have found over the years that the only way to cope with losing what was left of my dignity is to laugh and make jokes. To that effect, I have given the various bits and bobs of my infertility journey nicknames. Nicknames that I am now going to share with all of you. An infertility glossary of sorts. I should probably preface this by saying that I am super classy and so of course my glossary is full of very classy terminology (insert sarcasm here).

Still interested? Then read on, but you have been warned!

Auntie Flo- Your period, which either comes when you don't want it to. Like when you're hoping you might actually be pregnant. Or doesn't come when you do want it to. Like when you're wanting to start a new IVF cycle.

My bag-o-meds.

Bag-O-Meds- The giant bag you end up having to buy to house all your super-expensive IVF drugs.

Beta Test- A form of torture. You think you might be pregnant (especially if you've cheated already and peed on a stick) but you still have to take the blood test to see if your hormone levels agree. If you get a 0 then you're out. If you get anything besides a 0 then you have to test several more times to see if your cycle was a success or a failure. It's a long drawn out process and even then you end up having to wait for the ultrasound to see if you're actually pregnant.

Collection Room- The one and only sacrifice our dear husbands have to make. And when I say sacrifice I am laughing hysterically. This is the room where you hubby goes to wack off into a cup. My hubby has been in many of these and tells me that the quality of both the accommodations and reading material can vary widely depending on the facility. From the bathroom of a lab with no dirty magazines to the Rolls Royce of all collection rooms which has leather reclining chairs, porn on demand on the TV, and a remote control. He thinks that a tour of this room should be done before final clinic selection.

Egg Donor- An angel from heaven. A woman who decides to donate her eggs so that sad, sorry, grieving, over 40, infertile women like me can have a baby. I believe there should be a special place in heaven for egg and sperm donors.

Frosty- Our little frozen embryo who has decided to stick around for the past 10 weeks. I am hoping and praying that our little frosty grows into our take-home rainbow baby who will cry all night and pee and poop on us.

IVF- A process that relieves you of your future children's college money before they are even conceived. Unless you are lucky enough to have health coverage that pays for it, in which case I am super jealous and am not sure I can be friends with you!

My jabby jab survival kit.

Jabby Jab- All the injections you have to do along the way. Some are tiny needles and go into your belly. Others are large needles and go into your leg or hip muscles. Some of you have your husbands or friends do them for you. Others, like me, have to jab yourselves. Either way, they leave you with bruising, swelling, numbness, and sometimes itchiness too. Oh, and what they don't tell you is that you have to continue them even after you find out you're pregnant!

License to Carry- The note you get from the doctor that says you can fly on airplanes with all your drugs and needles. Having travelled from the US to the UK for treatment and also travelling from the UK to a few countries in Europe for vacation, I have found this note completely unnecessary. None of the security screeners I encountered ever even asked me about the mass quantities of needles and liquid hormones in my bag. They were always much more concerned with my big boobs and the fact that my underwire bra always sets off the metal detector. I got lots of extra pat downs, but never a bag search.

Mr. Wandy- The beloved vaginal ultrasound wand. This tool of joy is used for all sorts of things. To check your ovaries and follicles, to check your lining, and also to check if you have a viable pregnancy. He is usually dressed in a condom with some lube, but at one of my clinics they just stuck a bright blue rubber glove on him. Nice!

Pee Stick- The Magic 8 Ball for women trying to conceive. You pee on it and it tells you your future, pregnant,,, or not pregnant. The fancy digital ones not only tell you if you are pregnant, but they also tell you how far along you are. It is the only item I am aware of that is socially acceptable to pee on, then take photos of (to post on your  blog of course), and then pass around to your friends and family to examine. Just imagine trying to pass around a wad of used toilet paper and see what kind of responses you would get.

Poking The Bear- All those hormone injections can make a girl a bit testy. At times one can feel like a raging bear ready to explode. At some of these times, The Hubby thought it was funny to say things to try and set me off. At these times I would glare at him and say, "Don't poke the bear." Sometimes it worked and sometimes he went ahead and poked the bear anyway. He paid dearly for those times.

Shoot The Cooch- After receiving the good news that you don't have to inject your progesterone in your leg anymore you may want to cheer. Until you find out that you have to use this plastic popsicle stick looking "applicator" to inject it into your vagina twice a day. I took to referring to this a shooting the cooch because cooch is such a classy word for vagina. Oh, and no one tells you in advance that sometimes this can cause spotting. Until you start spotting and freak out and have to call the nurse. Spotting is bad!!

Shoot The Pooper- After you start spotting and are sure you are having a miscarriage they tell you that the vaginal form of progesterone can sometimes be the cause of the bleeding. You sigh in relief because you know that you are not losing your baby, you just have a sensitive cervix. Your doctor tells you he will switch you to the anal form of progesterone. Good times!! Since I could no longer announce I was shooting the cooch I changed my terminology to shooting the pooper since that was now what I was doing. Amazingly, this process is not nearly as horrifying as it may sound. Or maybe I've just got no boundaries left.

Sunglasses- Another side effect of all the hormone injections is random crying episodes. I have found these episodes especially enjoyable and not at all embarrassing. Ok, I lie. I find them absolutely horrifying and terribly embarrassing. As a result, I highly recommend carrying a large pair of sunglasses with you wherever you go. That way you can pop them on when your hormones decide that crying in a grocery store, or on public transportation is a great idea.



So there you have it. My super-classy glossary of infertility. Have I missed anything? Do you have a few of your own that you think should be added to this list?? If so then feel free to add yours in the comments,,, or email me if you're too embarrassed to admit yours in public.

How Did I End Up In This Crazy Place?

I sit here at the computer with a clean house and a fully packed suitcase. Tomorrow morning I leave for the airport.

I'm off to the good old US of A where I am set to pick up frosty and bring him/her home with me. Not in a suitcase or an additional seat, but inside me.

It's such a strange thing to think that frosty has been waiting for me since he/she was fertilized in August. Sitting in a straw in a lab, just waiting to be defrosted and placed into my womb. I can't even describe the feelings I have about flying halfway across the world to have an embryo transfer. It seems so strange and very "jet-set."

I suppose it's not unusual these days, but if anyone had told me 10 years ago that someday I would be flying from one country to another to try for a baby I would have told them they were crazy. Because everyone knows that sex gets you pregnant. Unprotected sex without a care in the world results in an accidental pregnancy and a cute bouncy baby at the end.

At least that's the story they tell us. That's the story we see on TV programs and read about on the news. It happens to everyone around us, our neighbours, our friends, and even a few of our fellow classmates from the 11th grade.

It happens so often that we don't even think about it not happening.

We assume.

But for some of us things do not go quite as smoothly. We are responsible and use protection. We focus on our careers and being the best we can be. We get married and still we wait.

• Until we have enough money. 
• Until things at work are settled. 
• Until we can buy a house. 

And then when we are ready, we go off the pill and wait for our "accidental pregnancy." And we wait, and we wait, and we wait.

At some point we realize it's just not going to happen that way for us. So we start researching and asking questions. We make doctors appointments and are subjected to test after test. Some of us get answers, but many of us do not.

Unexplained infertility,,,,, will someone explain what the hell that is supposed to mean?

The rest of the journey takes us through uncharted territory. We meet with doctors we didn't know existed. We learn tons of medical terminology and jargon. We take hormones like they are candy, or like they are recreational drugs, or both. We hope and we pray and some of us get good news. Others of us hope and pray and get bad news.

In my case I got almost all the way to the finish line only to have my hopes shattered at 36 weeks by those 6 terrible words. "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."

But somehow, despite all the bad news and setbacks we manage to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and throw ourselves right back out there. To a place where we are so vulnerable and so desperate for a good outcome that we will try almost anything.

For me, this means flying across the Atlantic because the don't have a good donor egg program in the country where I live. It means expensive, long, last minute flights for transfers. It means adjusting my injection times to match whatever timezone I'm in. It means working with 2 fertility clinics, one here and one there. It means communicating with my RE and Nurse via email and long distance phone calls.

Some days I wonder how I ended up in this crazy place. Most days I'm just hoping it's all worth it in the end. The day when I not only get pregnant, but I stay pregnant, and I get to bring home a living baby at the end of it all.

So my bag is packed, my boarding pass is printed, and I'm ready to go. Because this is my life now, and all I want is a healthy, living baby.

Pop Goes My Bubble

I think sometimes I float around in a bubble of denial. I convince myself that I'm happy and I'm doing better.

• I'm functioning at a pretty high level. 
• I'm getting out and doing things. 
• I'm making new friends. 
• I'm not crying every day. Well maybe that one is a lie but I'm not crying as much. 
• I'm injecting myself with needles every third day with ease. 
• I'm somehow managing to juggle regular life with my ongoing frozen embryo cycle. 
• I'm somehow managing to control my grief and not let the fear of a potential new pregnancy paralyze me. 

It's all going swimmingly until something comes into contact with my bubble. It's very fragile to start with so it doesn't take much.

POP!

That's the sound of my bubble bursting. 

That's what happened to me last night.

I went out to an event with my women's club. It was a fun, social event. Everyone was busy chatting about being back in town and getting back into the swing of things. Soon the conversation turned to children. 

I sat listening to people talking about their new play dates and all the new friends they are making through their children. Someone was talking about the holidays and having a lunch and just letting all the kids run around and play. Talking about all the fun things there are to do in London with kids. 

As I sat listening I suddenly felt like they are living on a different planet than I am. Or maybe just a different dimension. Like in those science fiction shows where there are multiple time lines and everyone is existing in a different one. 

I live in the same town as they do. I attend many of the same social gatherings as they do. But somehow I am still left out of a massive part of life. There is a whole part of the world where I have no place. It's the place where parents and their living children are. It's a place where I am completely left out. 

I'm never invited to play dates or children's birthday parties where I can sit and drink wine and gossip while my son plays with the other children. I don't do the school run and chat with the other Moms at the school gates. I am unable to make new friends at my child's school. I don't have big parties where all the kids run around in the back garden. 

Why? Because I don't have a living child. Because I don't fit. Because I have yet to be granted membership into the Mommy and Daddy Club. Sure, I'm a member of the Baby Loss Mom's Club but who wants to join me there?? No one!

All this happy chatter made me realize just how much of life I am missing out on. How much of life I'm excluded from. So in addition to my grief and anxiety for this upcoming cycle, I am now feeling very alone. 

Alone in a crowd. Which is not a very nice place to be.

*Pouring my heart out with Shell over at Things I Can't Say.

Beta = Not Pregnant

My 2 week wait is officially over and my beta came out negative. I can't say was surprised because I finally cracked and peed on a stick a few hours before the call came in. I figured I could live with the "false negative" the nurse scared me with for a few hours.

Alas, the phone call only confirmed what the lovely digital stick had already mocked me with. I am not pregnant.

I'm disappointed for sure. But I'm not devastated. It took us more than one IUI to get pregnant with my son and it took many years to even get that far. The hubby and I never do things the easy way. Why get something done quick and easy when there is a longer, more painful, and more costly way,,,, right?

Denial you ask? How can you possibly not be crushed at the negative result? I have to say that I don't think I'm in denial. I gave the tears a pretty good chance to come but they never arrived. The old me would have buried myself in bed for a good old cry for sure.

But the old me had never been pregnant before. The old me didn't realize that getting pregnant is only the beginning of the struggle. The beginning of the worrying. And the beginning of all the things that can go wrong.

I suppose losing a full term baby gives you a different perspective on things.

Yes, I'm disappointed. I wanted to be one of those success stories. Someone who tried egg donation and got pregnant on the first try. I'm not happy that we have to go through this all over again. I'm not happy that I've been injecting myself with hormones for nothing. Or that I spent a week in Spain and didn't get to drink any wine or eat any jamon iberico (and I really love that stuff). Going through a full IVF cycle and coming up with a negative beta is definitely a knock back.

But the knock back of a failed cycle is nowhere near the crushing blow of losing your baby at 36 weeks. I'm not negating it or brushing it off saying it's nothing. But it's nowhere near the worst thing that's happened to me this year. I've been through much worse.

Plus we have a plan already for cycle #2. The nurse told me to stop my injections and wait for my period. She said to expect it to be heavier and more uncomfortable since they worked hard to get me such a good thick lining. Ugh, I am not looking forward to that. So to prepare for this I went out to the store and bought myself a PMS kit. What is a PMS kit you ask??? Well here it is.

Everything a girl needs. Notice the Spanish wine to help make up for last week.

If I'm honest I'm sure I'll need more wine and more chocolate, but I didn't want you all to think I'm a total alcoholic! Oh, and even though the Rolo bag says love to share, I'm definitely not sharing them!

Once I get my monthly friend I can go back on the birth control pill and get ready for my frozen cycle. Don't forget, I've got a frosty waiting for me at the clinic. According to the nurse, it is another grade AA blastocyst. And the frozen cycle goes faster than a fresh one because I don't have to sync up with anyone else and we already know we've got a good embryo.

So while I'm not happy that things didn't work out the first time around, I am happy that we've already got a plan for cycle #2.

Pouring my heart out