The Pregnancy **After** The Pregnancy After Loss

A lot is written about pregnancy loss and almost as much is written about pregnancy after a loss. I've done quite a bit of writing about it here and on various other pregnancy loss blogs, grief blogs, and on BlogHer about this very subject and I've done a bunch of reading on the topic as well. I suppose you could say I've become a bit of an expert on the subject. Not that this a subject that anyone wants to know intimately, but sadly that's how things have happened for me.

We hear about the shock and horror of the initial loss and the complete and utter devastation it leaves in it wake. We cheer for these women as they struggle to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and put the pieces back together.

We read about their subsequent pregnancies with trepidation. We leave encouraging comments for them and wish them all the best. We wait with anticipation for them to be blessed with their rainbow babies. Those amazing and precious babies that come after a loss. We are so relieved for them when we know that they have finally had their "happy ending."

But what about the pregnancy after that?

I've just begun to navigate my way through the pregnancy after the pregnancy after loss. I wasn't expecting it to feel any different than my previous pregnancy, but it does. Last time around my experience was that every time I get pregnant, my baby dies at 36 weeks. I had no other alternative in my head. My only experience of pregnancy was of tragedy and loss.

I now know what it feels like to have experienced both sides of the coin. One pregnancy where my baby died and my life was shattered. Another pregnancy where my baby was born alive and healthy. One ride home from hospital with empty arms crying into my husbands chest. And another pregnancy where I rode home with my beautiful daughter and struggled to figure out how to get the car seat to latch into the car.

Last pregnancy I was "sure" that things would go wrong. This time I'm more hopeful. I'm less fearful. I'm able to think ahead and start looking for double buggies (strollers). Not to buy one of course, because that would be tempting fate. But at least I've allowed myself to do the research. You have no idea what a big step that is. If you've been around for a while you will remember that I didn't allow anything in my house for Frostina until after she was born.

It's not all goodness and light though. I certainly haven't reverted back to the person I was during my first pregnancy. The person who just knew that once I had my 12 week scan and all was well that I was for sure going to be bringing home a healthy baby in the end. I know all too well that there are no guarantees in life.

I know full well that even if you are a Baby Loss Mom, you don't get a free pass for all future pregnancies. One of my fellow BLM's just had her baby after her rainbow baby and it was not all smooth sailing. She had some complications right near the end that nearly resulted in another terrible loss. If it weren't for her absolute insistence that something wasn't right, and her brilliant doctor who followed her gut, things may have ended badly. Thankfully, all is well and she was able to take her beautiful daughter home with her.

I have a 50/50 history with pregnancies, which is much better than the 100% fail rate I had last time. I know those odds still look pretty grim to those of you who don't live in a world where babies die. But from where I'm sitting they offer hope. I have now lived the happy ending, and I want it again. More importantly, I believe I can have it again. That's a huge mind set change from last time around.

I have no idea if I will feel this way throughout this pregnancy. It's entirely possible that as Baby Oleo's due date approaches, all the old fears and paranoia will return. All I know is that this pregnancy is different than the last one, and I feel differently about it. It will be interesting to reflect on just how different it is as time goes on.

Have any of you been through this? If so, how did you feel during your pregnancy and how was it different than the one before? Oh, and what do you call the baby after your rainbow baby? Are they a rainbow baby as well?

It is me...........the Hubby

My wife has asked me many times over the last year+ if I wanted to "guest post". I always said NO, this was her space. I still believe it is, and I am pretty sure this will be my one and only post. After this I will go back to being a fan........

June 8th, 2012 was the happiest day of my life. At 8:49am when I heard that wonderful sound.....the sound of my baby girl........our Frostina crying as she entered this world. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT!  In a instant, overwhelming joy..and yes RELIEF swept through my body. SHE MADE IT!

In order to get to this moment, I want to express my thoughts about 3 "people".

The 1st is someone I will never know. There are many people like her...........women who for some reason have chosen to give a gift. A gift that can never be repaid. Why these women choose to do this, what inspires them, what motivates them, I will never understand. But for the lady who donated her eggs....so that my wife and I could be parents........to make Frostina a possibility....THANK YOU. I hope somehow you "know"......I am forever GRATEFUL!

The 2nd "person" I want to recognise is......YOU. Yes you. the loyal followers to my wife's blog. When she started this, it was her way to go somewhere private, to write what she was feeling........no one to judge her. No family, no friends....and yes at first no hubby. Just her "place".

What this blog has turned into, truly amazes me. The community of support. Women with similar stories and loss and struggle. Whether you know it or not, you have been something for her no one else could be. But without you, I'm not sure if she could have made this journey. You have motivated, inspired and supported my wife so wonderfully from her 1st blog about losing our son, through some funny moments ( top 10 infertility list) to the joy of Frostina's arrival. THANK YOU!

The 3rd..of course is my wife. I know you say you do not feel like it at times. But you are truly the strongest person I know. If not for your strength, determination and most of all your LOVE...........Frostina would not be here today. I could write a book on everything you have put yourself through.........all the doctors appointments, all the flights, all the shots, all the medications.

NO ONE deserves to be called MOMMY more than you. The joy and smile on your face holding our daughter...........is so special......is truly beautiful.

We will never forgot our son...........he lives in our hearts everyday. I know he would be such a great big brother to Frostina...........

I Love you with all my heart...........

Frostina's Daddy

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, & Two Weeks

For the second year I am participating in a special project for Baby Loss Moms. Angie over at Still Life With Circles has established a link up where we can talk about where we are in our grief right now. I haven't read any of the entries yet because I wanted my thoughts to be unclouded, but when I'm done with this I plan to head on over and read them all. I encourage you to do the same.

I participated last year and when I'm done writing this post I will go back and see where I was a year ago. But I want to get this out first before I take that stroll down memory lane.

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, &  Two Weeks

I'd like to be able to say that I'm all better now. That once you get past the first year that things somehow get easier, but that's not really the case. In lots of ways I still can't believe I made it through the first year. All the anniversaries and milestones, each one more difficult than the last. But somehow, The Hubby and I managed our way through.

We managed our way through what is probably one of the most difficult and painful things a couple can go through with our marriage intact. In fact, I'd say that our marriage is stronger than it ever was, something that I am eternally grateful for. We have learned to communicate in a way that we probably didn't before. We didn't need to know how to share our greatest fears and deepest sorrow before, because our life had not been touched by tragedy. But now it has, and we have figured out a way to come together and ride the storm as one.

This past year has been a busy one. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. This pregnancy has not been easy emotionally. Being pregnant again has brought some of the memories of our son back into my mind. I'm constantly living with flashbacks to when I was pregnant with him, comparisons between this pregnancy and the last, and all the what ifs.

What if I had been more vigilant with him?
What if I had been more closely monitored?
What if they had noticed he wasn't growing properly?
Could we have saved him?
Would he have been OK?
How would I have managed being pregnant with a toddler?
Would he have been a good big brother?

All this and more. All questions that I will never have answers to.

I'm having a very difficult time managing my fear during this pregnancy. Especially now since I am at the point where we lost him. I am constantly afraid that she will die too. That she will stop moving. That something horrible will happen and we won't make it to the hospital in time. That somehow she will be ripped from us just like he was. Every scan and every doctor appointment I am prepared for the worst.

It's not how I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be blissfully happy like I was last time. I want to feel that innocence again. That unspoiled joy. A joy that hasn't been touched by tragedy and pain. But that isn't my story anymore. I am a baby loss mom who is lucky enough to be pregnant again. I know firsthand just how horribly things can go wrong. I know this and somehow I need to manage the strength and faith to get through the next few weeks.

If I survive with my sanity intact and my baby still alive then that will be one huge accomplishment.

So where am I now? I'd say overall I'm better. The pain is still there of course, but it lets me have more good days than bad. It comes back every so often to remind me it's still there, but then it lets me get on with my life. I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed.

I am forever changed and it is up to me where I go from here.

Back From Vacation

I haven't written about it here at all, but The Hubby and I are just home from a week away. It was so nice to be somewhere warm and sunny for a change. It was also nice to just be away from normal life and really relax and enjoy things.

I've been doing a bit of blog reading while I'm away but I'm pretty behind on things. I promise to do my best to catch up once I tackle my jet lag and of course, laundry mountain. Lucky for me (yes I'm being sarcastic) the weather here in London is total crap so I have nothing to distract me from spending tomorrow washing clothes.

I'll write more later when I'm not so tired and loopy.

A Letter To My Unborn Daughter

My dear sweet baby girl. Today I am 29 weeks pregnant with you. This is a milestone that is met with both excitement and fear. I feel guilty about the fear and sadness that has followed me through my pregnancy with you. You are a true miracle and a huge blessing. I should be shouting from the rooftops about just how happy your impending arrival has made me.

I am being given a second chance to be a mother to a living baby. You are that second chance, and yet I find myself overcome with the worry that something will happen to you, like it did to your older brother. I don't know if you know this, but you have a brother who is smiling down on you from heaven. We love him and wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him in our arms and take him home with us. Sadly, that was never to be and we can only hold his memory in our hearts.

Your daddy and I weren't sure that we could have another baby, and yet here you are growing inside me. I'm amazed at how much we already love you, even though we haven't even met you properly. I love how you seem to know when I'm worried and give me a kick or two as if to remind me that you're still there and you're still OK. I apologize that we haven't decided on a name for you just yet, but I promise you that we're working on that and will make a decision very soon.

We are already head over heels for you, sweet baby girl. Your daddy even has one of your ultrasound photos in his work planner. I think it's because he has to travel for work and wants to keep you close to him. When I saw that photo it made my heart melt. He loves you so much that we wants to be able to look at your photo while he's away and can't feel you kicking inside me. That's why it's so important that you keep growing. We need for you to be OK. We need for you to be born alive and healthy. Because I'm not sure either of us could survive another loss.

I wish that my pregnancy with you wasn't so filled with fear. A fear that sometimes drowns out the joy. Because you deserve the joy. You deserve to have parents who are excited and happy for your arrival. A happiness that isn't clouded in fear and sadness. Parents who aren't waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be told the worst possible news. You deserve that and so much more.

You deserve a mother who isn't afraid to let her friends throw you a baby shower. You deserve a mother who isn't so scared something will go wrong that she refuses to buy any baby things until after you arrive. You deserve a mother who isn't crying all the time about your brother in heaven who she misses terribly.

I don't ever want you to think that you are somehow second best, or a replacement for him, because you are not. I don't want you to ever feel like you're living in his shadow, because you won't be. But the fact is, that his death forever changed your mom and dad. We are trying our best to separate our feelings about his loss from our feelings of joy for your arrival. It's just that sometimes the lines are too blurred and we just can't manage it.

I can only hope that the day you are born alive and healthy that you can help us to heal. And that we can finally realize the joy that you will be bringing to our lives. You deserve that from us.

My Rant Against Word Verification Pop Ups

I never write about blogging specifically or any of the technical stuff that goes along with it. I'm not a computer expert or an online social media guru. I have no idea about all the stats and SEO's and all that other stuff that some bloggers are interested in. I don't blog to promote a business or to make money. I don't do sponsored posts or giveaways. I simply blog to connect with other people.

I write in this space because I desperately need an outlet for my feelings. I read other people's blogs because I love reading other people's stories. To know I'm not alone in my various struggles is a wonderful feeling. Not because I want other people to have to suffer like I have, but because I know there are other people who have been there and understand what it's like. I have found a wonderful community of people here in the virtual community of the internet. You have been my lifeline, helping me get through some of the worst moments of my life. I'm not sure I'd be as ok as I am these days without you.

For me, commenting is a huge part of the experience. I have felt such love and support from the comments I receive here. I admit I'm not the best commenter, but I do try my best to offer the same kind of support that you all have given to me.

A few days ago I noticed that blogger has changed their captcha word verification system. If you don't know what that is, the word verification is those funny word-things that pop up when you leave a comment on some people's blogs. They are supposed to prove you aren't a robot or a spammer.

They have always been tricky to do, but the new change has made them almost impossible. It now seems there are TWO words to decipher and re-type before you can leave your comment instead of just one.

I don't know why, but I'm having a terrible time reading the new words and often have to try again just to make my comment. I am finding this terribly frustrating and it's really putting me off commenting on your blogs. Am I alone in this?? It makes me feel like screaming into a pillow every time I see one of those things pop up.

So I have a small request. Can you please turn this terrible word verification off? I did it a long time ago and I hardly ever get a spam comment. I think I've gotten 2 or 3 since I started my blog and they are very easy to delete. It's an easy setting to turn on and off so it shouldn't be too much trouble. Not being a computer expert I'm not here to offer a tutorial on how to do it. But considering I somehow managed to figure it out, I know you will too.

So please,,,, if you will,,,,, turn it off??

Thank you.

A Great Idea, Thanks To You!

Have I mentioned recently how amazing my bloggy friends are? Well if I haven't done it lately let me do it now.

You guys are awesome!

I just wrote about not wanting to have a baby shower because it would be a flashback minefield for me. I was pondering doing something after (here's me being hopeful again) the baby is born. I asked for suggestions about what to do and how to avoid calling it a baby shower.

I got some great responses from that post and I learned a thing or two as well. I knew that British women don't really do baby showers (although the idea is growing in popularity), but I didn't realize it was considered bad luck. I also didn't realize that many Jewish people won't do a shower before the baby is born. Although having been to many a baby shower for my Jewish friends I'm guessing this rule is flexible.

I also learned about a Southern US tradition that I had never heard of before. It's called a Sip 'N' See party. According to this website that the lovely SG shared with me, a Sip 'N' See party is a baby shower you have after the baby is born. Guests come over to "sip" drinks and "see" the new baby. It can be casual or more formal and is often done open house style where guests are given a time frame and can come and go as they please.

I absolutely love this idea! It seems like a perfect way to celebrate a new baby without all the painful memories of baby showers past. So thanks to all of you who commented and suggested such a great idea. I will be passing this idea on to my friends who want to throw me a shower.

There's Still Time

To participate in the Managing The Fear BLM Link Up!

Earlier this week I posed the question, "How do you manage fear during a pregnancy after loss?" I've been asked this question myself and I'm never sure how to answer it. So I invited you, my fellow Baby Loss Mom's to link up and share your experiences.

I want to thank those of you who have already linked up. I was moved by your honesty and can completely relate to your struggle.

Haven't linked your story up yet? No worries! There is still time to share your story. Here's a direct link to make it even easier http://findmynewnormal.blogspot.com/2012/01/managing-fear-blm-link-up.htmlhttp://findmynewnormal.blogspot.com/2012/01/managing-fear-blm-link-up.html

I'm keeping the link up open for a while longer because the more stories we have to share, the better. Each of us will experience our pregnancies and our fear in a different way. Each of us will have struggles and small victories. Each of us will sometimes feel like we're alone in all of this, that no one else really gets it.

I am hoping that by sharing our stories with each other we can see that we are not alone. Our experiences, while unique, are also quite similar. We have the same hurdles to overcome, the same huge fear to tackle.

Even if your story is about how you're not overcoming your fear. Even if your fear is winning right now. Even if you feel completely unqualified to give advice because you haven't figured it out yourself. By sharing that story, you will be helping other BLM's. Sometimes there is even more benefit in sharing our struggles than in sharing our victories.

So I encourage you all to link up and share your stories! I look forward to reading them!

Finding My New Normal - A Year On

Wow, I can't believe I've been blogging here at Finding My New Normal for a whole year now. Well, actually it's been a year and two days. The actual anniversary was on the 5th of November but I was on a plane flying over the Atlantic Ocean and was unable to post. I could have pre-planned something and have it scheduled to post on that day but I've been away visiting family and am not nearly that organized.

When I first started this blog I was a broken woman. My son had died and I was overcome with grief. Frozen in a lot of ways. We were getting ready to go home and visit the family. A trip that we did every year, except that this year was supposed to be different. We were supposed to be bringing our new baby for everyone to meet. But life had other plans for us.

Instead of bringing our new bouncy baby home, we were bringing his ashes home in a tiny urn. I still remember that feeling when I got the suitcase out of the closet to get ready to pack for that trip back home. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pack for 2 people when I should have been packing for 3 people. That empty suitcase prompted my first ever blog post. And thus, Finding My New Normal was born.

It was rough going in the beginning. I was a total rookie to the world of blogging. Looking back I can see that I struggled to find my voice. Partly because writing down my thoughts was new to me, and partly because I just had too many thoughts to sort through. I was deep in the trenches of grief and filled with raw emotion. I can see it all in my early posts. The sadness, the anger, the devastation. It makes me cry to even skim through some of those early posts because it puts me right back there.

I've always written this blog for me, and in the beginning that's who was reading it,,,, me.

I didn't have any followers at first. For a long time I figured I wouldn't ever have any. I mean, who wants to read a blog about a dead baby?? If I had not lost my son I know I sure wouldn't have. But amazingly, this new version of me was hoping there were other women out there like me. So my search began to find some other BLM's (although I didn't know that's what we were called yet).

It's not easy to search for blogs,,,, did you know that? Especially when you have never read any blogs before. So my task was not an easy one. But somehow I managed to find a few women who were struggling like me. I stalked their sidebars and comment sections for others. And soon I had found a group of amazing women who were trying to move on with their lives after losing a baby. Women who understood how I felt. It was so nice to know I wasn't alone out there. I started following them, and to my surprise, they started following me back.

I have found so many amazing bloggers on this journey. In the beginning I connected most with women who had suffered a loss like mine. As time went on I reached out to my fellow infertiles for support as well. I have also connected with bloggers who aren't like me at all. Because we all struggle with something, and we all need support at times. I've found an amazing community here in bloggy land.

After a month or so of blogging I knew I was hooked. Inside my head all these emotions were flying around that I didn't know how to deal with. It was when I sat down to write that I was able to make sense of them.

It's almost like I have to take them out of my head and put them down on paper (or the computer screen) in order to sort them out. As a non-writer this concept amazed me. Not only was I able to figure out exactly how I was feeling, but I also got feedback from people who have walked in my shoes. I wasn't crazy,,, I was just grieving. I can't tell you how much that helped me.

A year on I am sitting in such a different place. A place I couldn't have even imagined a year ago when I was buried in the fog of my grief. I am still grieving my son of course. But it's not the overwhelming burden it once was. It's forced it's way into my life and found a way to fit in with everything else. I am able to feel joy and happiness again. I am able to have good days where I don't cry. I am able to understand that some days I still need to cry and that's ok too.

I am pregnant again. Wow, that brought out some tears,,, give me a minute or two to compose myself.

I am still in total shock about being pregnant again. It's still very early days and one thing I've learned is that a positive pregnancy test does not ensure a healthy take home baby. But I'm hopeful which is something I wasn't sure I could be after my loss.

So have I found my new normal yet? That really was the intended goal of this blog. To help me figure out what to do next. To figure out who to be next. To figure out how to live a life without my son.

I suppose in some ways I have. In other ways I've still got a long way to go. But life is about the journey, and this blog is

Balloonapalooza

On Saturday the 13th we honored the memory of our son with a balloon release. It was quite an emotional day for us and I was touched and honored that so many of our friends and family (both in real life in in the bloggy world) wanted to join in. I wanted to share some of the balloon photos that I received.

I love that they were sent from all over the world in honor of my son. I hope he got them all!

Kitchen Table Questions- From Glow

The lovely ladies over at glow in the woods have posted some questions as part of their at the kitchen table project. The theme is time as it relates to our grief. I'm joining in so here are the questions, and my answers.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)?  Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?  
It's been 11 and a half months. Only two weeks away from a whole year. In the beginning I marked the time in weeks, now I'm marking it in months. Sometimes it seems like it's gone very quickly, but most of the time it seems like it's been 10 years already.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief?  How much time do you think that will take?  How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss?  How much time do you think you need now? 
I don't have an end goal. To be honest I'm so caught up in coping and getting by that I haven't thought that far ahead. I don't think there will ever be an end to my grief. I think it's something I will live with forever. Hopefully I get better as time goes on.


3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital?  How long did it take to get there?
I am able to look at babies without feeling like someone is stabbing me in the heart so I consider that to be a milestone. I think this has been happening slowly for the past 6 months or so. I'm also getting very broody again but I wonder if all the IVF hormones in my system have something to do with it. 


4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased?  Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like?  Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you now feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?  
I wouldn't trade the time I had with my son for anything in the world. I would however change the ending.


5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life.  Where are you on this timeline, and you do you find that to be true?
Well I'm one year in so halfway to where this book seems to think I need to be. I don't think anyone follows the same grief timeline so it's impossible to say. I have not put any pressure on myself to get better or get over it. I am allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. Some days I'm good, some days I'm not and both are OK. 


6. There's a familiar saying, "Time Heals all wounds."  Do you think this is true?  Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay:  "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?
No I don't think that's true. Some wounds never heal, but we get better at living with the pain. We find ways to incorporate it into our lives. We get to a point where it doesn't bring us to our knees. We move on in spite of our wounds because in the end we have no other choice.


7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)?  How about your relationship with the past?
I have always said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." However I never realized just how true this was until my son died. I know even more clearly that we really don't know what will happen in the future. We don't have control over things. We need to appreciate what we have now because in a second it can all come crashing down. As far as my relationship with the past goes I don't think anything has changed really. I try not to let myself play the "what-if" game. I understand that the person I am today is a direct result of the past. In the present I am getting to know her all over again. I hope in time I will like the woman I am becoming.


8. How long did it take to answer these questions?
About 20 minutes. I approached this with a very stream of consciousness mentality. I simply read the questions and started typing. I wanted the answers to be my first instinct, not what I thought I should say or what people wanted to read.

A Love Letter To My Best Friend

My advice to you,,, make sure you marry your best friend. That's what I did 13 years ago today, and it's the best thing I've ever done.

Over the past year life has been flipped upside down, turned inside out, and pretty much ripped to shreds. Losing my firstborn son at 36 weeks is by far the most devastating thing I've ever had to endure. I know for a fact that there's no way I could have made it through without my amazing hubby. There's no way.

He's been my rock, the voice of reason, and my lifeline this past year. 

We've navigated our way through grief together. Hand in hand. Sometimes I fall and he picks me back up, and sometimes he falls and it's my turn to pick him up. Perfect partners making our way through the minefield. Making it all up as we go along. Figuring out our own path.

It hasn't been easy. There's been lots of tears and lots of hugs. We've supported each other when various family members have been unkind. We've supported each other through some very difficult milestones. Each step along the way has been difficult and often painful. But the love and support I feel from him makes them all possible. I'm so lucky to have him.

We went out on Saturday night to celebrate our anniversary as this is his first day back to work after our amazing holiday in Spain. I just realized that I have forgotten to buy him an anniversary card. So I decided to write this love letter to him here instead. I hope it will do.

Happy Anniversary, I love you more than words can say.

Back Online

I am finally back online. What a relief.

Who knew how much I would miss the internet and especially this place??

I can barely remember what life was like before we were all "plugged in."

Obviously I'm way behind on my blog reading. There's no way I am going to catch up and be able to read and comment on everything. Especially since I've still got a ton of stuff to do to get settled in here at our new flat.

So if you've read or written a post in the last week or so that you think I must read then please leave it in the comments section for me. 

Thanks!

Please Send Some Bloggy Love

My thoughts and prayers are with Turtle who blogs at My Baby Still. She just found out that her precious baby has no heartbeat. She was very hopeful for this pregnancy as the one right before also ended in miscarriage.

I'm sure she could use some love and support. So please follow the link above and give her some bloggy love.

I'm a Guest Author

It's funny to write that because I don't consider myself a writer/author. But it's flattering nonetheless that someone liked something that I wrote enough to want to put it on their blog. Especially since they approached me because they think my words may help others who have experienced the loss of a loved one. I would absolutely love to think that what I write here may be able to help others get through such a devastating time.

Check me out over at Hello Grief, a website that's a place to share and learn about grief and loss. Here's how the folks over at Hello Grief describe their site.

Hello Grief provides information and resources about grief in order to break through the current culture of avoidance that surrounds death and loss. Instead, Hello Grief addresses bereavement head-on for those who are helping others cope, as well as those who need support on their own personal journey with grief. In a world that doesn't get it, we do.

The Morning After The Night Before

First of all I want to thank all of you for your lovely and supportive comments to my last post where I talked about my regrets about not being able to hold my son after he was born.
 *If you are visiting from Pour Your Heart Out , welcome. I have chosen to share this post instead of the post that inspired it because of the subject matter. The post that inspired this one is truly me pouring my heart out, but I was worried that those of you who have not lost children may find it too upsetting. My goal is never to shock people or make anyone feel uncomfortable with my words. 

I have read each and every one of them over and over and am still amazed at the support I have received. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be so comforted by the words of people who I have never met I would tell them they were crazy. Now I know better. I am thankful to be a part of this amazing group of women. This sorority of baby loss moms. Not thankful that we have lost our children of course, but thankful that we have somehow managed to find each other through all our pain.

I woke up the morning after writing that post with a very strange sense. I had a hangover. Not from alcohol, but from crying. It was an emotional hang over. I stayed in bed for a while after I woke up, a bunch of questions swirling around in my brain.

Have I really been feeling this way the whole time? How is it possible that I didn't know I felt that way? Where on earth did all that come from?

You see, up until a few hours before I shared my feelings here, I had no idea I had them. Seriously! I had never given it much thought. I was sitting on my couch watching TV (a program that had nothing to do with babies or children) when BAM! It hit me out of nowhere.

It was the strangest thing. All these thoughts came flooding into my head. Flashbacks of his birth, regret, sadness, shame. It came on so quickly that at first I didn't even know what was happening. Then the tears started, the sobbing, the shaking, my body curling up in the fetal position.

It was as if someone or something had taken over my body. Something had released a valve or opened a tap and these feelings were just flooding out of me. I had hidden them well, even from myself. It's a special skill I possess.

So yesterday I did some things just for me. My husband is out of town for a few days on business so I can do whatever I like, and I did. Throughout the day I kept getting your lovely comments via email. Each one did a little bit more to lift my spirits. By the end of the day I was feeling much lighter.

Today I feel even better. I am relieved to have these feelings out in the open. Not just open to all of you, but open to me. I am still amazed that I was holding all these feelings in such a deep place that I wasn't even aware they existed. Now that they are out, I can deal with them. I can talk to my husband about them. I can find a constructive way to work through them. Perhaps a way that doesn't involve stuffing my face with cookies.

I can deal with them before we start this new journey of trying for another baby. The less baggage I can carry with me, the easier it will be. The healthier I can be both mentally and physically, the better the chances for a healthy pregnancy and a living, take-home baby. 

Blog Party

 

The lovely ladies over at 5 Minutes for Mom are having a huge blog party and I have decided to join in the fun. If you want to join in as well, click on the button above for all the info. If you are new to my blog, welcome.


Here is a little bit of info about me and my blog.

I am an American expat living in London. My husband and I have lived here for over 5 years now and really enjoy it.

I am Mommy to an angel in heaven. My son was stillborn at 36 weeks in August of 2010. I started this blog to try and work through my grief and find my way back from the brink of despair. My goal is to figure out how to live my life without him. Things will never be the way they used to be. So I am looking to find my new normal.

Before our loss we struggled with infertility so this blow was especially hard. It felt like we almost made it to our new lives and then someone just pulled the rug out from under us.

We are now in the process of trying for another baby. This time, due to my age and some genetic issues we are going forward using an egg donor. The world of egg donation is completely new to me. So I have been writing a lot about this new journey.

This blog has been such a refuge for me. It's where I can share my feelings in a way that I am unable to do in real life. I don't hold anything back. Much of what I share here is raw, uncensored, and painful to read. Believe me, it's painful to write as well. This is not a bright, shiny, happy blog much of the time. But it's me, all of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

For this reason, I don't reveal myself here. Somehow I feel safer blogging anonymously.

If I haven't scared you off yet then I hope you spend some time getting to know more about me and my journey.

Bloggy Love

I want to say a huge thank you to Branson over at Reflection of Something.  

She has included one of my posts in her Best of the Best feature. I am so excited to have my story in such good company. Seriously, some of the posts she includes in her list are fantastic.

I highly recommend you follow the links above and visit her blog.