A few days ago I got a message via Twitter from a fellow Baby Loss Mom. She lost her precious daughter a few months ago and like every BLM I know, is struggling to cope. The reason she messaged me is because she has just found out she is pregnant again. She wanted to know if I had any advice to help her get through the next few weeks because she is petrified.
I really struggled with how to answer this question, but I did the best I could. Days later I'm still not happy with what I said to her. Partly because of stupid Twitter and the whole 140 character rule, and partly because I don't think what I said is actually going to be helpful to her.
So you can see what I'm talking about, here was my response to her.
First of all congratulations! As far as managing your fear goes, I still haven't worked that out for myself. I can tell you that I'm getting less scared and more hopeful as the pregnancy is progressing. I think the fear is normal and something that will be with us the whole time. I'm sorry I can't offer the magic solution. But with grief there never is a magic solution. We have to go through it and feel it and live it I don't think there are any shortcuts. We have lived through the worst case scenario and it's normal to be worried it will happen again. I wish you the best of luck.
Not exactly a happy, shiny, "everything will be ok" answer was it? Although I suppose that's not really what she was looking for.
I think my issue with answering this question is that I haven't figured out how to manage my own fear yet. I'm not nearly as petrified as I was in the beginning, that's for sure. But I have no idea why. Perhaps I've just wrapped myself in a nice blanket of denial?? That's always possible with me.
So I've decided to reach out to my fellow BLM's for help. Not just for my Twitter friend, but also for myself and for anyone else struggling with this issue right now. And I've decided to make it a link up, my very first one. I'm not a link up expert so you will have to bear with me on this one. There may be a few glitches as I try and figure this whole thing out.
The only rule is that your post has to deal with the topic of fear during a pregnancy after a loss. It can be a new post or an old one. It can be about you, or about someone you know. Maybe you've been through it and come out the other side. Or maybe you're right in the middle of it all like I am.
All perspectives on this topic are welcome. You don't have to follow me to participate (although if you enjoy reading my blog then you're welcome to follow). Any links that are off topic will be deleted.
Also, please feel free to share this link up with other BLM's who may not be regular readers of my blog. The more participants we have the better! We have a wonderful community here in the baby loss community and I look forward to reading your responses. Oh, and if you don't have a blog of your own, feel free to add your insights here in the comments section.
So here goes. How do you manage the fear during a pregnancy after loss? Is it even possible to manage fear? Are there any tools or strategies you used? Did they work? What advice would you share with those of us going through it right now?
With my crazy complications in my pregnancy after loss, these are the only things I have found to tell myself that help: it is out of my control; I'm doing everything I can to grow/protect this baby; my doctors are watching me like a hawk. Wish I had more insight to share!! I may link up one of the many posts I've written on my high anxiety level.
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with Molly...it is out of our control and the only thing I can recommend to help is distractions and keeping busy. I know as I get further along it will be harder but can only hope my doc is right...that all will be okay this time.
ReplyDeleteNot a loss as such but I hemoridged pints of blood during my pregnancy and thought I was losing my baby before she was delivered at 25 weeks. I know it's not the same and hope I don't offend anyone by making this comparison, but the only thing that helped me manage my anxiety was guided relaxation tapes. Good luck to all you ladies dealing with pregnancy after loss, I cannot begin to imagine how tough it must be x
ReplyDeleteThis is a brilliant idea - I hope it provides not only a stronger community, but also a source of ideas you can share with those who come to the struggle anew. I've never been here, and though I am a writer, it's hard for me to imagine this struggle. I'm grateful for the insights you share, and I hope this linkup is a huge success.
ReplyDeleteI'm not incredibly qualified to give advice on this yet, since we're barely at 17 weeks and I'm barely keeping the anxiety in check (read: last weekend's conviction that the baby had died), but I posted a link to what I wrote 10 weeks ago after our first ultrasound. I think it summarizes the complicated mix of emotions that we have to wade through as best we can, just one day at a time, aiming for some measure of hope.
ReplyDeleteI think that your answer was pretty perfect. I wish that I had some advice - for all of us - but I think that it is destined to be difficult. The only thing that has helped me is the understanding that allowing yourself to focus on your hopes, rather than your fears, will NOT make you more vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI threw up one of my many emotionally back and forth posts from my third and first successful pregnancy. Losing a child will forever change you and especially when you end up pregnant close in time to your loss, it's hard to wrap your mind around. Coping is simply a process of taking it one day at a time. You can't predict the future, but you can enjoy today.
ReplyDeleteI have been in this spot a million times. Their is no good advice I am convinced. The best I have is that it is out of your control. I tried to be as positive as I could and repeat to myself a million times a day that it was out of my control. I was a basket case in every pregnancy (9) but this last one was the worst. I had just lost a baby at twenty weeks in feb. 2011. Thank goodness my boys made it on the outside alive on December 13, 2011 but not without drama.
ReplyDeleteI came across this on the Lost and Found page of the Stirrup Queen's blog. I actually asked the same question a few months ago on the pregnancy message board I frequent. No one responded. I love this idea and added one of my blog posts about worry/fear because I don't want others to think they are alone. Hopefully it meets the criteria :)
ReplyDeleteIt's been a hard struggle being pregnant with my little boy while still grieving the little girl I lost in an early missed miscarriage last year. I was a wreck until about 18 weeks into this pregnancy. I'd have daily anxiety and panic attacks because I was so scared of losing another baby. The only things that would calm me down were ultrasounds and listening to the baby's heart beat on the doppler until I could feel him kick. Sometimes I wonder if I should have waited a little while longer before TTC again, but I don't think I would have been any less fearful if I had.
I don't believe that there is a clear-cut answer for those of us who find themselves in this spot. I think your response to your reader was honest and true and I probably would have responded in a similar way. The best advice I can give is not to repress what you're feeling. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. It's all part of the healing process.
I will be attempting our last egg donation in a few months after losing a successful one last year at only 6 weeks. My emotions have been everywhere, including where I simply didn't want to try again as no baby would less be less painful than losing a baby. I struggle with anxiety and when I'm stressed my heart rate plummets (the opposite to most people I know) and am now looking into whether this played a part in the miscarriage. The bottom line is that I'm just going to have to put my faith and trust in Mother Nature, to hope that my body will instinctively carry our next baby and that all the effort I put in now will pay off later.
ReplyDeleteIf I was pushed to give advice to women who were pregnant following a loss, I think it would simply be to 'get out how you feel'. Don't bottle up anything up, no mater how dark you think the thoughts are, it's always better out than in. Once you've voiced your fears aloud, sometimes just hearing the words breaks their hold over you, and someone else can help you to work through them too. Then be repetitive with positive words, like saying a mantra, because it DOES help.
Much love and respect to all on their journeys x
I missed the deadline, but here's my link: http://betterlefttochance.blogspot.com/2012/02/back-when-i-knew-it-all.html
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful idea... hope that I can join in your link-up one day soon :) Also loved your FB pregnancy announcement... so beautifully written. Slowly catching up on your news... missed you all. Love always xoxo
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