Somehow I knew this would happen.
I'm slowly starting to tell people that I'm pregnant. Last time around I just posted a big announcement on facebook because I figured it was the fastest and easiest way to let everyone know at once. This is especially helpful since I live in a different country than my family and many of my friends. This time around I'm not quite ready to make that big of an announcement just yet. So instead I've been emailing small groups of people and letting them know.
I decided to share the info with a few friends who I know through an organization I'm in. These women all live here in London. One of these women was pregnant at the same time as I was last time. Our due dates were 4 weeks apart. Her son lived,,,, mine did not. She was amazingly supportive at the time and has continued to be a good friend to me. She's not someone I see regularly, but we do get together from time to time.
I have never met her son for reasons I've written about before. It's just too painful to even imagine it. Her son, a living breathing reminder of what I don't have. These two boys who should have been friends and playmates. We have never spoken about the fact that I have yet to meet him. In a way I suppose it's just understood. Either that or she is totally clueless and I'm giving her way too much credit.
Immediately after sending the email my phone rang. It was her calling to congratulate me. She was crying, which made me cry. She wanted me to know just how happy she is for me. I was telling her how sick I've been and apologized for missing a few things on our organization's calendar. She then said to me that she had also missed them because she was sick too.
An alarm went off in my head.
No, it couldn't be..... could it??
So I asked her, "Are you pregnant too?"
"Yes," she said.
Holy crap!! *I didn't say that out loud of course but I was thinking it.
Instead I offered my congratulations. I said to her that I couldn't believe our timing was the same again. Then I asked how far along she was and she told me that she is 14 weeks.
Holy crap!! *Again, I didn't say this out loud.
As it turns out, our due dates are 3 days apart this time. So we get to be pregnant together again. Oh joy! She even suggested that we start doing pregnancy yoga together like we did last time. Oh joy!
I am of course happy for her, but I'm less than thrilled to be sharing another pregnancy with her. I didn't want to share this pregnancy with any of my friends (I know,,, selfish of me) because I know how it feels when things go wrong. The strain it can put on a friendship. But I especially didn't want to be sharing this pregnancy with either of the two friends I shared it with the last time.
It's all too painfully familiar. Flashbacks of last time around. The two of us with our baby bumps spending time together. Making plans for playdates. Remembering the look on her face when she came to visit me after my son died. Still pregnant and glowing, with puffy eyes from crying. There was a fear behind her smile. I know she was just hoping that it wouldn't happen to her too. Yet she still came to see me, fear and all.
I don't want to go there again. I don't want to remember how that time felt. More importantly, I don't want to re-live that experience. I'm already scared enough this pregnancy. Another loss would be crushing, but to have to watch her have another baby after another loss would just be too much. I realize that I'm doing worst case scenario here,,,, but when you've actually lived the worst case it seems much less far-fetched.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm not happy about it at all. I will do my best to get over myself because there's nothing I can do at this point.
I wonder if I'm going to get a call or email from my other friend who was pregnant with me the last time announcing her pregnancy?? That would be just my luck wouldn't it?
*Pouring my heart out with Shell at http://www.thingsicantsay.com
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Hang in there, sweetie. I had best friends whose son was born within 12 hours of my son. Their son lived. My son did not. I understand this pain. I remember my friend at my son's memorial, such pain in his eyes as he thought of the joys waiting for him with his wife at home. I loved him, still do, so much for being there with me.
ReplyDeleteI have a daughter now. They have a second son. I have volunteered to babysit with the new baby. Occassionaly I wonder why I don't remember anything about their older son when he was a baby. Then my breath catches and I remember that I couldn't bear, still can't, sometimes, to know that he is my son's exact age and that I compare where my Peanut would be with everything their son does. But. It feels good to push myself through those feelings, as they obviously did, in order to stay with them, to maintain the love and caring even with the pain.
I am praying for you (in the non-religious way that I pray). My heart beats with yours and I know those anxious months of waiting will not leave you with glowing memories of pregnancy but I pray, oh, how I pray, that they will leave you with a happy, healthy little one.
That kinda sucks. I mean, happy for her of course, but sad that you have to face unwelcome flashback-inducing experiences. Hopefully she's smart and understanding enough to let you beg out of things gracefully when you need to. She does sound like a good friend, though - and a whole lot better than those people who think we are bad-luck-to-be-avoided during pregnancy, right?
ReplyDeleteThis just bites...totally. It's not her fault, and I know you are happy for her and all...but it still sucks for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm a firm believer in 'lightning doesn't strike twice'. (knock on wood). But if this scenario had happened to me, I would probably not want to hang out with the friend whose baby lived. Could you write her a long letter explaining your reluctance to do yoga and stuff to her? I think it is within your right to stay clear of stuff that causes you flashbacks and unnecessary pain and anxiety, IMHO.
I relate to your post as a VERY good friend announced to me that she is due early August and we are close. She wasn't planning this pregnancy, it just happened. She has two boys who are a bit older. She told me this Christmas Eve. I am happy for her b/c I know she always wanted another baby but like you said...we are in that boat of just wanting to bring a "living" baby home and it is all weird. Good luck with this situation and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like a really good friend. I'm sure she'll totally understand if you need to keep a bit of a distance.
ReplyDeleteI expect a lot of people you know will become pregnant over the next few months though so don't push them away. Remember you don't have to have lost a child of your own to find yourself terrified of something terrible happening (I speak from personal experiences). Perhaps this friend of yours remembers what happened to you and is scared it could be her turn next.
I hope I've said what I wanted to say properly without upsetting you. Reading your blog makes me so sad I just want you to find yourself enjoying your pregnancy, taking it day by day until you can find a small way to look forward to the next few months ahead.
Oh, I hear you loud and clear. I cringed at the announcement of THREE pregnancies within a month of mine (local). Of course. Don't people know that until we have one live baby, they can't go on and have any? Especially their seconds?
ReplyDeleteIt's unreasonable and a bit a-hole, but I can't but feel this way. Let me hit milestones in complete private and panic and not have to watch you talk about your milestones as I'm hitting them, too. Bleh.
I. hear. you.
Oh goodness. On the one hand I think it is great that you somehow were able to maintain a relationship with this woman, on the other I dread the flashbacks that are and may be a part of walking through another set of pregnancies together. The one person I was pregnant with ended up being the biggest douchebag on the planet. As in actually said to me months after Cullen died that I 'hurt her feelings' by not beckoning her to my side in the hours after I learned he died. Not kidding. The world is full of interesting people. Here's hoping that this woman will be exactly the pregnant friend you need her to be.. in whatever capacity you are ready to handle.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! This is also a fear I have had. I don't blame you and I....hope all pans out for all parties involved. hugs- keep us posted.
ReplyDelete~Felicia
A good friend and another BLM passed along some advice that her therapist gave her: shrink your circle. It's okay to say I can't be there for you/with you right now. A good friend has been very supportive in many ways, but she frequently complains about taking care of her kids and the challenge of being a SAHM. After losing 2 infants in less than 15 months to a rare lung condition, I really don't want to hear about how hard it is to take care of your kids. So when you need to take a step back, do so. You only have so much emotional energy right now, spend it where it will do you the most good. Thrilled for you that the pregnancy is going well, and hoping you start feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteOH wow! I know the feelings of having a friend be close with you along the pregnancy path. My dear friend was 5 weeks behind me. My daughter died and my friend was still pregnant. My daughter died at full term. I saw my friend several weeks after giving birth I know she was totally scared of it happening to her. I don't think either of us thought something like this could happen. She was hugely pregnant and I was a empty sad mess. Now her baby is almost 5 months old. I can't imagine becoming pregnant and finding out she was too. I am so sorry. I wouldn't want to share the time with anyone either. I am sending you a giant hug. It is just too much!
ReplyDeleteI would totally feel the same way. Can't imagine how I would have dealt with that if the friend who was pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Aiden was pregnant again during my pregnancy with Mason. I was lucky to have a very close BLM friend pregnant at the same time and share all the milestones with me- it helped a lot because someone who didn't get where I was mentally would have driven me crazy!
ReplyDeleteSending lots of hugs mama!!!
Oh really. That must be so hard. Do what you need to do and hopefully your friend will understand if you don't want to meet up during this time.
ReplyDeleteShe probably feels the apprehension too, and understands your feelings. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYou need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you can't handle being around here... then just don't. That might sound harsh, but if it will give you more peace of mine to not be around her, then you need to take care of you.
ReplyDeleteI know it must be really hard for you. I had a friend who lost quads and she purposely distanced herself from many people. I would have done the same. You need to take care of you and worry about you. If you need to distance yourself from her I'm sure she'll understand.
ReplyDeleteOh honey. You definitely need to listen to Shell. If you can't handle being around her, you can't handle it. I can't even imagine going through that. I wish you all the the best and a happy healthy pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteStopping by from PYHO.
I always thought it would be so great to be pregnant at the same time as other people, but I ended up in your friend's shoes and the baby lost would have been my niece. It was absolutely horrible for both my sister and for me. I think your friend would understand if you needed some space to be pregnant on your own this time. Sending virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteI would feel exactly the same way. I'm sure she was crying because she feels the same way, too. Only she wants to support you by doing things she doesn't realize are making it all that much worse for you. I can't imagine your state of mind right now. (Visiting from the Things I Can't Say linky)
ReplyDeleteOh, gosh. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck with this pregnancy. [hugs]
ReplyDeleteVisiting from PYHO.
What a tricky situation, and what complicated feelings this brings up. With such a strong sense of deja vu, it must be difficult not to imagine that history will repeat itself. But as you state in your post, this is not 2 years ago, and things are unlikely to turn out the same way. Still, it will remain a difficult thing to sort out how close you want to be to this friend at this time. As always, I vote for you being as gently and kind to yourself as you possibly can in this situation (and in all situations really :-)
ReplyDeleteah, one day at a time. one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteIts strange once you're pregnant, suddenly ever other woman seems to be pregnant. Take little steps one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she is a good friend and wants to be supportive, which is great. But if it's not helpful to you to have her as a supportive person in your life during your pregnancy, you have to do what's best for you.
ReplyDeleteIf she is truly a good friend, she will understand and give you any and all space you need. If not, then you don't need her friendship anyway.
What a tough spot to be in. I agree with Shell, you need to do what is best for you. I'm a bit on the other side of the coin in this situation. Almost immediately after losing their baby, we conceived a healthy baby boy. The guilt I feel is terrible. Your friend will understand, no matter what you decide.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from PYHO.
Hi, my name is Heather! Please email me when you can, I have a question about your blog!
ReplyDeleteHeatherVonSJ[at]gmail[dot]com
Oh I totally get this. I wanted all other pregnancies to be put on hold just so I could get a live child here. I hated that I had to be pregnant with others after Hope died and pretend to share excitement with them. All I could think was "is it going to be me who takes the bullet again?"
ReplyDeleteHang in there, mama. This post hit really close to home.
xo
That is an awful situation and I hope you find a way to still enjoy the friendship, while acknowledging the bad memories, maybe you can make some new ones. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. It sounds selfish but I wanted to be the one pregnant this time, alone, me and me only, because I refuse to be the one yet again who doesn't get to bring a baby home and everyone around me does. I have a friend with pretty much the same due date as mine, another that is a month behind me, and then a few others that are still in there first 10 weeks or so. I also was asked by the friend is who has the same due date if I wasnted to do yoga with her and I had to instantly decline. Be in a room with other happy pregnant women, I don't think so.
ReplyDelete