Sunday, 29 January 2012

Just In Case?

There's not a lot going on in my schedule this Sunday afternoon so I decided it was time to clean out the fridge. It's one of those jobs that just has to be done from time to time. Who says my life isn't glamorous?

So I'm going through the shelves, throwing out old left overs and some surprisingly scary onions when I come across this.
Amazing what you can find hiding on the top shelf.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure of partaking in the joy that is Assisted Reproduction Treatment, let me introduce you to Lupron. It's a very expensive little hormone that you have to inject into your muscles as part of your treatment. It makes you feel pretty crappy and a bit crazy too. If you get through a cycle and don't finish the whole bottle, your nurse tells you to save it in the fridge "just in case" this cycle fails and you need it again.

Just in case. 

So my logical brain tells me that this too needs to be thrown away. After all, my FET worked and I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with Frosty. So why do I need this old bottle of fertility hormone taking up space in my small UK fridge?? Sigh, I do miss my ginormous US fridge, and washer, and tumble dryer,,,, but I digress.

I think I should point out that since losing my son almost 18 months ago, my logical brain hasn't been getting much action. I'm sure it's still there somewhere, but it's hardly heard from these days. When it does try and pop back in to offer it's two cents it gets quickly stomped all over by my emotions. This case was no exception.

Just as my logical brain was telling my hand to grab the Lupron and toss in in the bin my emotions screamed, "STOP!" Stop right now! You can't throw that away! You may be pregnant but you are far from all clear. Just because your baby is alive now doesn't mean he/she will be born that way. You need to keep that bottle... Just In Case.

Just in case things go wrong like last time and I have to start again. Just in case the universe will think I'm getting too smug and happy in this pregnancy and feel the need to smack me around again. Just in case by throwing away that bottle I somehow cause things to go wrong.

Just in case.

It's crazy, I know. My logical brain tells me that even if the worst happens again, that bottle will probably expire before I get to use it again. It tells me that simply keeping (or not keeping) a bottle in the fridge will have no influence on this pregnancy. It tells me that superstition is just plain silly. But my emotions smacked that logical brain of mine down again and would not allow my hand to throw that bottle away.

So there it sits. Just in case.


*This is my contribution to the Managing The Fear BLM Link Up that I started last week. As you can see, I'm not doing a great job managing my fear at the moment. I am so touched by the stories that have been shared by some pretty amazing women. If you haven't had a chance to read their stories, please click on the link above to read them. Also, there are still a few more days until the linky closes so you can still share your story if you'd like. 

16 comments:

  1. Ahh the logical brain...I miss mine! I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to throw it away. Yes, I understand logically you won't be needing it either, but I am all about the "just in case". I have friends trying to get pregnant and I still have a box of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests (not nearly as expensive as Lupron), but I can't part with them either because what if I need them...if this pregnancy ends in another loss...I would need them. So most likely they will expire in my possession and I won't need them MOST LIKELY, but just in case I will hold onto them because getting rid of them will cause more stress than holding onto them! It almost feels like a small bit of "insurance" to keep it!

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  2. I think I would do the same thing. Ward off bad karma. Crazy or not...

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  3. Oh yes... in my fridge sits that same bottle of Lupron and a few thousand dollars worth of unused Gonal-f. Even though I have 4 embryo's frozen I have not yet been able to part with the drugs..

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  4. What can I tell you? I get it, I'm there too.

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  5. superstition! its a buggar...I think our dog died because I picked up a penny tail side up. I know words coming out of my mouth or typed with my fingers do not change a physiological process...but, something killed our baby. IF plays loudly in my head a lot. words teetering on the verge of my tongue. I learned the hard way. 4 days before Camille died I was telling another mother how I wanted to have more than just one child because what if your only child died? 4 days latter Camille died...how's that for guilt. I don't care how small your fridge is...you keep that bottle in there babe.

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  6. Sigh. My fridge always has meds in it...mini-Lupron, progesterone suppositories, Menopur. I was *this close* to selling my left over Menopur last summer when I hit the second trimester...only to lose my babies shortly thereafter. We have since used the leftovers and then some, and the cycles continue. I know now that I won't get rid of my meds until I have living children at home...unless the drugs expire first.

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  7. I didn't throw ANYTHING away. When we moved a year ago, in my bathroom closet were bags of syringes, bottles of Lupron and progesterone in oil, and there was a full unopened pen of Gonal in my fridge. The oldest bottle of Lupron was dated 2003. And believe it or not, I hesitated before throwing the stuff out. The crazy never ends :)

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  8. I understand "just in case". It works in such strange ways. My uncle died at age 21. My grandmother had just laid a hat on the bed when she and my grandfather received the horrible call. At some very deep level, she became convinced that putting hats on beds causes people to die. And she passed that fear along, so that I still won't put a hat on the bed, even though my uncle died before I was born.

    On a completely different note, I suffered from endometriosis for years. One of the potential treatments (that I rejected in favor of surgery) was Lupron shots.

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  10. I can totally see how that little bottle could become a bit of a good luck charm. Or it might somehow feel like a jinx if you threw it out. After losing my son, I decided to allow myself to do many things that others might look at as a bit crazy with the caveat that they had to make me feel better or AT LEAST not make me feel worse. Keep that bottle. You can celebrate pitching it in just a few short months.

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  11. I so know that just in case feeling and the superstition that goes with it.

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  12. I absolutely get this. It's amazing what our brains do to us.

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  14. Nothing wrong with keep it around. It's not taking up much room. xo

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  15. I've done the same thing with my ovulation tests. I considered giving them away to friends who I know are thinking about trying soon, but I couldn't because I kept thinking, "What if I need them sooner?" So they sit in a drawer and may expire before I will get use out of them again.

    Among other crazy things I've started doing (I'm even working on a blog post about it), I freak out if rain is forecasted the day of my OB appointments (it rained the day I found out I lost #1). Hubby things I'm crazy, but I feel like I have to avoid similaraties between #1's pregnancy and my current one.

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  16. I did the same thing with my Lupron... I kept it for over 12 months "just in case" but have had a different protocol for my last 2 retrievals and found it at the back of the fridge a few weeks ago and finally parted with it. ART does crazy things to us :)) xoxo

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