A while back I wrote about the tricky subject of being invited to a baby shower after dealing with infertility or losing a child. Of course in my case, both of these issue apply... lucky me.
I was proud of myself that in the end I was brave enough to say no and not attend. I wrote about that as well, take a read if you wish. Now I'm faced with another baby shower dilemma, do I want one for me?
I knew it was only a matter of time before the idea of having a baby
shower was presented to me. I also knew that my answer would have to be
no this time. I just can't imagine getting through another baby shower with the memory of what happened the last time still so fresh in my head. When you lose your son 3 weeks after your baby shower, it doesn't exactly make you want to rush out and have another one.
I've been amazed and impressed when reading the blogs of other Baby Loss Moms who don't seem to have this same issue. I've read their posts about their wonderful baby showers and seen them smiling in the photos with total amazement. I know it's never good to compare yourself to others but I wonder how they are able to manage it?
Please don't think I'm judging my fellow BLM's. I would NEVER do that. I'm actually happy for them that they are able to embrace the day and honor their rainbow babies in such a special way with their family and friends. I suppose I'm jealous that they aren't crippled by their fear the way I obviously am. I'm jealous that I can't have a shower for this baby like I was able to do for my son.
Oh how I wish I could get to that place where I could make it through a shower for Frosty without having a total meltdown. That place where I could embrace this pregnancy with the same joy and excitement as my last one. That place where I wasn't so afraid to have anything baby related in my house.
Oh yes, you read that correctly. I can't have ANY baby items in this house before we have an actual living baby in it first.
So no baby shower for me! Not until this baby is born healthy and alive.
Instead, I've agreed to have a shower after (see, here's me being positive) Frosty is born. I don't know anyone who has done this, but I'm sure it happens. I suppose the day will be a bit different than your normal baby shower,,, in fact maybe we won't even call it a baby shower. Maybe I'll have to think of a different name for it.
I'm open to suggestions about what to call it. Also, if you know of anyone else who has done it this way, I'd love to hear how it went.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I had a shower after my first was born. It was great. And apparently I was at my own shower when I was a baby. I think it's special either way.
ReplyDeleteI'm planning the same thing! I'm just too superstitious this time around to enjoy a pre-delivery baby shower for sure. I was thinking of having my friends call the shower a "Welcome-home-baby shower" to give people the idea (see, there's my attempt at being optimistic).
ReplyDeleteI have only been invited to one thing like this in the past, and it was for a friend in Texas. They called it a "sip and see" which was new to me. I just googled it and found this:
http://www.thekitchn.com/southern-tradition-sip-n-see-70967
That particular friend also did not have a baby shower before the birth because she told me it was against Jewish tradition. Apparently some people break this rule nowadays but she was to superstitious to, even on her first pregnancy. I admire this now. Again, I googled:
http://www.jewishfederations.org/page.aspx?id=907
So - just pretend you are a traditional Jewish Southern lady, and you are good to go without apology!
I actually decide a while ago I'll be having a sip n' see (which is a traditional southern shower usually held after the baby is born). I'm not big on showers or anything that draws attention to me. I didn't have a bridal shower or bachelorette so I made the decision early on not to have a baby shower. The sip n' see puts the attention on the baby. Everyone is invited over to sip on drinks (doesn't always have to be tea) and they can see the baby and bring any gifts then.
ReplyDeleteJust read the comment above mine and realized she mentioned a sip n' see and posted a link. You should look into it. They truly are fun. Oh and there is no timeline. Some people have it weeks after the baby is born and I even know some who wait a month or two then have it.
ReplyDeleteI think that sounds like a great idea! I like the "sip 'n' see" concept, too...never heard of it, but it sounds sort of like an open house...with peace of mind for you! I didn't get far enough with my twins to have a baby shower...I lost them August 5th and my friends were busy planning the shower for mid-October. I was tasked with working on the guest list but never even heard what they had planned, just date and location. BUT, so many negative things happened each time we shared our news (tell family=have mod. placental abruption next day, tell the world=lose babies less than 1 week later), that I don't know I'll want to have a shower, either. It just feels like a big fat jinx.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing a sip n see this time too. Hayes died mere hours after my shower last time, plus I feel weird about getting more gifts since everyone insisted we keep the ones from last time and we still haven't used them. Plus we dont need a thing with all of the gifts from the last two parties. This pg after loss stuff is So tricky!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Molly- I do not need a thing from anyone, but I know people will want to give us stuff, particularly as this is a girl baby... Clothing, and the like. We call it a sip & see (or as my British mother calls it, a "Tea and See"). I think we'll likely do something like this for our little girl, more so to show her off/share her after we reach a month or so of outside life.. We'll see!
ReplyDeleteNo way would I have another baby shower. Makes me feel PTSD just thinking about it. Definitely hoping for a "sip 'n see" here, too. Or a Tea and See because that's also adorable. And I won't be putting up a nursery or having any baby things in my house ahead of time either. Not because I'm not happy about this pregnancy, but because those are no longer happy associations for me. At least not yet.
ReplyDelete"Rainbow after the Shower" shower!
ReplyDeleteA celebration & welcoming home of your rainbow baby!
No shower for me. People have asked and I explained the emotions that I would struggle with for something that is meant to be so wonderful. Sure, I feel a little guilty for this little guy, but he will be SO loved and wanted and it doesn't really matter to him anyway! It's not like he would ever remember or care.
ReplyDeleteI also have a similar question process that sifts through my brain with other BLMs that are able to have baby showers-- but then I remember we are all at different stages and some did not have a shower before at all. It's all based on our own personal levels of ability. Pg after loss is hard enough!
A shower after baby's born sounds like a much better idea whatever the circumstance. People can buy more specific gifts for your little one and also you can probably enjoy a party a little bit more when you don't have to be careful what you eat and drink and you're not feeling rediculously uncomfortable. Plus what a great way to show off your precious new arrival.
ReplyDeleteWe usually have baby showers after the baby is born... Gives people a chance to see the baby too - which means less visitors when you and the baby are settling into your new routine.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a shower either - just too scary. Everyone was understanding and after Kira was born we had an afternoon open house for all our near and dear. We didn't call it anything baby related but we were showered with gifts anyway.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a shower either - just too scary. Everyone was understanding and after Kira was born we had an afternoon open house for all our near and dear. We didn't call it anything baby related but we were showered with gifts anyway.
ReplyDeleteI have heard it called a sip n see.. sounds like a lovely idea. I didn't do anything to set up Cullen's nursery before he was born but for some reason I am already doing things a bit different for these two. I can't explain it, but I guess it is best described as hope.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a shower with Mason. I lost Aiden right around the time of my last baby shower for him and that is a tough association. Also we had so many things that were given to us for Aiden so we didn't really need anything.
ReplyDeleteI was like you- didn't want to do anything until Mason got here. Honestly we still haven't had anything although I planned a "tea and see" as well while I was still pregnant. I'll get to it eventually. Right now I'm just enjoying my sweet boy. I'll probably do something before I go back to work in March.
A family I know only has post-birth baby shower (a few tragic losses two or three generations back). I think anyone who knows you and what you have been through will understand and be ready to celebrate Frosty when you are!
ReplyDeleteI am with you on the no shower before...my boys were born hours after my shower and I could never make it through with out loosing my mind. I am pretty sure my husband and I declared no more showers for any child of ours days after loosing Wiiliam and Ethan. We will give everyone a chance to celebrate after!
That's a marvelous decision. I think you are being practical, protecting a shattered heart while preparing it to heal.
ReplyDeleteTell everyone you're going British :-) The idea of a Baby Shower before the baby is here, is actually associated with bad luck and we wouldn't dream of doing it (although I appreciate Amercian traditions make their way over here). Another weird Brit no-no is to not buy a cot or pram before the birth, but that's our traditions for you. In fact we don't actually have a specific 'party' for our babies, apart from a christening maybe. So please don't feel awkward my lovely :-)
ReplyDeleteYou just carry on doing what you damn well want to, and stuff anyones opinion. After Frosty is here, I think YOU need a party xxx
I know in some cultures they don't buy anything for the baby until after the baby is born. And, like feelingfertile mentioned, the British don't have showers :) My mom is British so my bridal and baby showers have been new experiences for her. (I had no idea it was because they were considered bad luck though!)
ReplyDeleteI totally don't blame you for not wanting a shower. I would probably insist on doing the same thing if I was in your shoes. I considered doing it I had a first trimester miscarriage, but I caved. When my friend started insisting I start giving her input on when to have my shower, what kind of cake I wanted, theme, etc., I couldn't get her to understand that it was hard for me to think that far ahead, because I was terrified to think that far ahead.
I have a hard time looking at what little baby stuff we were given when I was pregnant with our first LO. We got some of Hubby's old baby stuff to use and my friend gave us a basket of gifts so we could open one each month when I was pregnant with #1 (I only opened one gift before I found out we lost #1). We'll be able to use everything for this baby, but I always have a strange feeling when I look at all the stuff we got when I was pregnant last time.
well in the Jewish faith we celebrate the birth of a child always after the birth. We have what is called a "La' Chiam" which basically means celebration. To celebrate the birth of a boy or a girl is always a marvellous occasion.
ReplyDeleteWhat ever feels right for you that is the main thing!
I didn't know Camille was a girl until she was born. I figured I would be set for all things boy if we had another boy. I didn't buy ONE thing for a girl...oh how sad I am about that now. I didn't have a baby shower either. My plan was to have a "Meet and Greet" after the baby was born. That is not how it worked out in my world and so of course now I am sad, like I didn't get to celebrate Camille enough. For the next baby I wonder if I will have a baby shower just to celebrate. Celebrate the life that is currently. We don't love our children less because they died but at least you got to have One party for him. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteI had a shower after my loss. I had a melt down at my shower and I had a magnificent, beautiful time at my shower. I was surrounded by people who knew and loved Mannie as I did.
ReplyDeleteDo what you need to do. I am glad you won't short change yourself of all celebrations. I think Renel has some really interesting points to consider. Superstition is not your friend.
Welcome Home party sounds great. I can't wait to see how Momma holds up for this party... you will probably slip off for a nap...