Wait, I Thought This Was Supposed To Reduce Our Stress?

I thought I had the perfect solution for some of our pregnancy anxiety. Boy was I wrong!!

Last week I wrote this post about our decision to get a home Doppler so we can listen to Frostina's heartbeat when we're feeling anxious. Having lost one baby in utero, our fear of this happening again is probably a million times higher than it should be. We both figured that once this little machine came then we could at least calm our fears a bit.

It arrived mid week and The Hubby enthusiastically ripped it out of the box and got things in working order. We knew it may be difficult for us to find her heartbeat at first since neither of us knew what we were doing. So I lowered my jeans and squirted the gel on my belly. Within about a minute we could both hear that wonderful sound not unlike a galloping horse,,, it was Frostina's little heartbeat. We both smiled and hugged and were happy.

Saturday morning arrived and The Hubby said that maybe we should listen again since we hadn't heard Frostina in a few days. We were getting ready to go out for the day so I said we could do it after I'd had my shower.

Now I should mention that I've been feeling a lot more movement lately. Frostina had a particularly active session late Friday night and I had even felt her squirming around early Saturday morning. So we weren't going to listen because we were worried, just because it seemed like a fun thing to do. Call it parental bonding if you like.

So I get out of the shower and we get everything ready to listen. We squirt the gel and turn on the Doppler. I move it around, and around, and around. Nothing.

The hubby assumes I'm doing it wrong and takes over. He tries, and tries, and tries. Nothing

I start to panic. I think he does too. Neither of us wants to admit it though. So we keep trying, and we start to argue about how to do it, or where to put the wand, or if we need more gel or not.

Now logically we know that we're probably just doing it wrong. After all, this is only the second time we've tried this machine. We have heard and read all the warnings about how it can be hard to find the heartbeat on your own. We know that professionals go to actual training to do this. We know that this exact scenario is why the professionals don't recommend using a doppler at home, because it can cause unnecessary fear. But knowing this in our logical minds does not help calm the rising panic we are both feeling.

I remind The Hubby that I've been feeling her move all last night and this morning. We try some more and have mixed results. We do hear a few fleeting beats every now and then, but can't get anything consistent. We take a break to get dressed and in that time I continue to feel Frostina kicking and rolling around. I try to assure The Hubby of this but I'm not sure if he believes me or not. Not that he thinks I'm lying,,,, but we both know that I'm not the best judge of these things.

We try one more time and get the same mixed results. I finally tell him that we need to stop and try again later. That I know she's fine because I can feel her moving. That she's still tiny and is probably just in a spot where we can't hear her. He agrees and then we both sit in silence for a while. The fear in the room is palpable yet neither of us say anything. He finally agrees to get on with our day and says he trusts me to tell him if I think we need to go to the hospital. Which I don't think is necessary because I know she's fine.

We get through the day and focus on other things. I continue to feel Frostina all day and let The Hubby know each time it happens. We get home in the evening and I figure all is fine. Then he asks if I'm ok. Which is Hubby code for "I'm not ok." So I ask him if he wants me to check again. He says I can if I want to which is Hubby code for "Please will you?"

So I lay on the couch and squirt a bunch of gel on my belly. Within seconds I hear that wonderful sound not unlike a galloping horse,,, it was Frostina's little heartbeat. I didn't get it for long before she shifted position and it was gone again. But it was there long enough for both of us to feel a huge sigh of relief. 

I continue to feel her moving around today. It's almost like she knows we were worried about her yesterday and she's trying to make her presence known. She's saying, "Don't believe I'm ok,,,, here's a kick for you. Didn't feel that one enough, here's another, and another." I didn't try the doppler today because I figure if I can feel her this well there's no sense repeating yesterday's drama.

The Hubby is no longer a fan of the Doppler. His actual words were a profanity laced rant but I'll try and clean it up to make them suitable for publication. He said that if this stupid machine was going to be so flipping hard to use then it wasn't worth the money we paid for it. He said that it was supposed to bring us peace, not stress. I reminded him that this was one of the reasons I hesitated in buying one in the first place.


Will we be throwing the Doppler away?? Probably not. We do appreciate the fact that it can be a useful tool when used properly. We know that we are just figuring things out and it will take practice and experience to get good at it. We know this, but that knowledge doesn't help when blind panic takes over.

Will we try using it again?? Probably, but not until she's a bit bigger and there aren't so many places in my belly where she can hide from the machine.

Will we use it "just for fun" again. No F'ing way!