But what happens if history shows that you have no instinct, no gut, and you will have no idea if anything is wrong? What if your inner voice tells you things are fine when they aren't. What if your body gives you false hope? What do you do then?? That my friends is the dilemma The Hubby and I are currently facing.
You see, my son died inside my womb and for at least a week and I HAD NO IDEA.
That's right, I had no idea anything was wrong. I remember writing about it four months after he was born. At that time I was still wracked with guilt for not noticing. For not being able to sound the alarm and save him. I played the what if game a lot back then. Blaming myself, trying to think back to when the feelings of movement changed, when they slowed down. Even in hindsight I have been unable to pinpoint the moment when he left us.
As time has gone on I have learned to forgive myself. I know that there is no way I would have happily gone through my days if I had any inkling that something was wrong.
The hardest part to forgive was the fact that I gave The Hubby the impression that everything was OK when it wasn't. Our husbands rely on us to tell them everything about how the pregnancy is going. They don't carry the baby and as a result, they are on the outside looking in. They depend on us to communicate with them, and to let them know if something is wrong. That's where I failed big time.
I've been starting to feel Frosty moving around. It's a wonderful thing to feel your baby moving and kicking. I had forgotten how happy those little kicks and flutters make me. Every time I feel something I happily announce it to The Hubby. He's just as thrilled as I am for this newest development. However, this has also raised some new anxiety for him.
When he doesn't get a kick report from me, he will ask me if I've felt anything. If I say no then he gets worried. I tried to assure him that I shouldn't feel Frosty all the time but this didn't help. A day or two went by before he shared his fears with me. He's worried that something will happen and we won't know again,,, like last time. And neither of us wants to go through that pain and shock again.
We both fear that I don't really know what a kick or a flutter is. After all, I swore I could feel my son moving, even after we knew he was dead. So maybe I just can't tell the difference between baby existing inside of me vs baby actually moving inside of me. So as a result of my past history,,, we don't trust me to know if things are going wrong.
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| Not cheap, but worth every penny |
So we have decided to buy a home doppler. I was against it for a long time thinking it might make me more paranoid. But after seeing the fear and worry on The Hubby's face I think it's our best option. We both need to be able to feel reassured that things are OK. Not just based on what I think I'm feeling, but based on actually hearing Frosty's little heartbeat. So I placed the order and now we're just waiting for it to arrive.
I often get told that I must go by my instincts, by other moms. The problem is, I have none! If I did have any, my som wouldn't have died last time.
ReplyDeleteMy poor husband is very very worried this time around. He keeps asking me 'everything okay?' at least 50 times in a day and I just end up saying 'I think so'. Because am not sure if everything is okay. Trust on my instincts is one thing I have completely lost upon.
I think you're amazing, and so strong. I want to give you both a big hug. Love to you both x
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel... I felt so guilty for so long that I didn't notice when Gabrielle stopped moving. But we need to be gentle on ourselves... we did the best we could. I was wondering about getting a Doppler if/when we get pregnant... hope it helps the nerves. Love to you & bub xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you did. Even without the pain of loss and the all-too legitimate fears you carry with you, it wouldn't be such a bad purchase. I think you're almost certain to be worried no matter what. This way, you won't have to guess and feel uncertain. You'll know at once and be able to take action. It gives you a measure of help in a situation that is completely out of your own control.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you at all for getting one of these,another great trick for making baby move is drinking orange juice or eating chocolate x
ReplyDeleteI've carried that same guilt and to an extent, I think all of us who've gone through stillbirth have as well. My son was only gone for less than a day before I was pushed into labor and only then realized he was gone. I had no idea.
ReplyDeleteI carry that same husband guilt as well. I failed him. Hence the reason we've also chosen the doppler-- more so the anxiety doesn't eat me away inside and I can function for normal hours of the day. Will it save this baby? Nope. It has, however, saved me from a trip (or 10) to L&D. And that saves me cash. Not that cash matters at this point, but when it's triggered by nothing other than my haunted memories of failing myself and my family and losing our first son, it does carry some irrationality. But we're TOTALLY entitled and anyone to tell me differently can expect to hear some choice words. Also, I just love hearing the sound of his heartbeat whenever I want. Call it irrational control or whatever, but I like it. And it only cost me $50.
My husband I are currently sleeping HORRIBLY and every time we wake up (either one of us), we're in a panic and immediately place our hands on my belly. This happens about 5 times a night. He wakes me up doing this as well. And once we feel a kick, there is a huge, audible sigh of relief and maybe an hour or two more of sleep before the cycle repeats.
Honestly, I am surprised you didn't have one of these already! I bought one at 10 weeks and from 11w to 17.5w I used it religiously every night....ever since I have used it every 2-3 night because I can feel her moveing a bit. But the minute there is any doubt in my mind, I grab for the doppler! It is truely a sanity saver :) Considering all the money spent to get this far, I considered another $150 money well spent to keep me calm!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you got one.... mine has calmed my nerves more times than I can count. I also got a gimmicky thing called a kick trak counter. http://www.babykick.com/
ReplyDeleteIf it can help increase my chances of bringing these babies home alive and healthy I'm def. willing to try.
We've thought about getting one but I think I would drive myself crazy using it even though I know with my hubs background that he would know how to use it properly. I may still get one just for the last trimester and to ease my mind. We could have used it Friday to check the baby but I think I still would have been worried about amniotic fluid, etc. Hang in there...pregnancies the second time around and worrying so much is SO HARD. Please be gentle with yourself and try not to beat yourself up about what happened with your son. Love and hugs, Shelly
ReplyDeleteI totally understand this. I, too, can't believe that my daughter died and I had.no.idea. It was shocking and horrifying and also made me feel so guilty and ashamed.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is also asking about kick reports and it makes both of us nervous when I haven't felt a little flutter for a while, even though I know it's so early for regular movement! I hadn't even felt Eliza move at 20 weeks. Although I'm resisting purchasing a doppler, I completely understand the urge to double-check your instincts. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Wishing you the best of luck.
My son didn't die in utero, but I too worry about this... When I don't feel strong kicks, I immediately worry she's gone, and I f'd up... I have to,d my husband the other day I hadn't felt her in a couple of hours and I was trying to remember the last time I had. I set us both into a bit of a panic about it until I felt her about 30 minutes later... Even still, anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI know our situations are different, but even worrying about how I didn't "know" Jack was sick... Feel like my instincts failed me...
I know exactly the last time I felt Camille move inside me. It was at 10pm the night before I gave birth to her. I knew there was decreased movement for about 2 weeks but at the end of pregnancy there is decreased movement and more sleep/awake cycles. I reported decreased movement the week before she died to the NP and they sent me in for an ultra sound. Everything was within normal limits. Sigh...so much guilt! I have so much guilt. I knew things werent quite right and I was worried about it but I had just gone in for an ultrasound and everything was okay. It makes my stomach feel so sick...to know she died most likely while I was sleeping. How could I be sleeping while my baby was dying? it rips me up inside. But in your defense, when I was in the hospital after I had already found out she was dead and I was waiting as the induction process was happening, everytime I had a contraction it felt like she was moving! I can't tell you how confusing that feeling is...to feel like your baby is moving when you know they are dead. Gosh now Im crying but you see when you have a big baby inside you and there is a contraction it feels like they are moving, so maybe that is why you felt like you coul feel your son move. For some reason the picture you posted of your dopler didn't show up...what kind did you get?
ReplyDeleteOh, the guilt. The accident happened on my watch, while Elizabeth was inside of me (wasn't that supposed to be the safest place?). I have apologized to her and to my husband a thousand times. I've started to see the "trust your instincts" advice as a placating cop-out by advice-givers. Better to tell pregnant women the truth: shit happens with no warning or clear signals, for no reason. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWe're using a doppler at home, too - not with great success so far, but I'm still glad we bought it.
It's truly hard to trust our instincts/intuition now especially when we lost our babies in circumstances we didn't know about, it literally happened underneath our very noses. And I felt the same guilt as yours. How could it happened under our watch? Where was our maternal instinct then? So when my OB told me to trust my instinct if I feel there's something wrong, I cringed inside. I have no confidence at all. So most of the times I tell my husband what I'm feeling and he's the one who urges/cajoles/convinces me to call the OB even with the slightest, out-of-the-ordinary feeling. It's like I needed some validation or a second opinion for my instinct. It's so whacked out and disheartening at times! *sigh*
ReplyDeleteYes, the doppler can give a measured reassurance. I bought one too. And like Leslie, I also have a Kicktrak for tracking kick counts now. Maybe it's a bit overkill but we do what we must to overcome our anxiety. To be honest, if we could get those pocket ultrasound monitors (the size of a smart phone), we'll probably buy that one, too.
That's the exact same doppler I bought. It saved my sanity a bazillion times over in two post-loss pregnancies. I think you've made a wise choice. You will get freak out moments where it takes longer than normal to find it, but I still think it is worth your while and will no doubt save you many trips to the hospital emergency department.
ReplyDeletexo
I hope some day you can lessen the guilt you put on yourself but I know how hard that is to do. I bought one too for our rainbow baby and it was worth every cent. I know some say not to do it but I never could have gotten through without it.
ReplyDeleteI bought a doppler when I got pregnant this time. I didn't like I had to spend the money on it, my husband was worried I would spend every waking hour with it on my belly, and I know there are people out there who say you really shouldn't get one, but it was 100% worth it and I don't regret it. I was terrified of having another missed miscarraige and it seemed like I was having daily anxiety and panic attacks. Getting my doppler gave me piece of mind before I could feel Little Guy move around, and again in those earlier movement days when I'd go a few days in between feeling kicks. It definitely helped calm me down when I started second guessing everything was okay.
ReplyDeleteI hope you post about how having this little home device works for you and hubby. I'm curious of how it will play on your emotions- happy or scared...I think I wouldn't be able to do it so in a way your a guinea pig...lol Thank you and congrats on the months thus far. -
ReplyDeleteFelicia
I know that loss of trust. Our first daughter also died in utero. I know that both my husband and I thought we felt her kick after she was certainly gone though. So, it just happens...it sucks, but it happens. I felt that shakiness with my second pregnancy because I didn't feel like I could trust myself...or my husband! We both were crazy people, and I relied heavily on my doppler. It was a blessing (most of the time) for us!
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