When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.

I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.

I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.

Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).

I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.

Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.

So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.

I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.

I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."

Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.

Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.

*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.

One Perfect Heartbeat

What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.

One perfect heartbeat.

That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.

What an amazing feeling.

So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.

I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.

Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.

So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!

I hope and pray.

Of Course I Tested Early

Obviously we all know you are supposed to wait until beta test day to find out if your most recent assisted fertility treatments have worked.

But obviously I have ZERO patience so I always test early.

Just peed on a stick and the result is......... POSITIVE!

It's early days for sure and I won't know until beta day (next Tuesday) for sure. This could be a chemical pregnancy, but I'm hopeful that it's not.

Fingers crossed everyone!

Still Good News

Well look at me, two posts in two days. I'm just glad it's because there is more good news to report.

We had another scan yesterday and all is still going well with Frostina. I would have loved some more photos to go with the great news but alas, when babies get this big they just don't photograph well via ultrasound. So no photos, just happy news.

She is still growing like a champ. Estimated weight is now 5 lbs 13 oz. I'm not sure exactly how accurate the doctor's estimates are but it's definitely up from last time. The doctor also checked her fluid levels and the blood flow through the umbilical cord, both of which are great. Reading that back makes her sound like a car being taken in for an oil change. Fluid levels- check, blood flow- check, heartbeat- check. Whatever it sounds like, she passed her baby jiffy lube ultrasound update with flying colors!

I mentioned the call to the labor ward the night before. He asked about the contractions and said they sounded like either braxton hicks or maybe I ate something that didn't agree with me. I think he said this because the pain was so high up. Either way, he double checked my cervix and verified that it is still intact and shut tight. So whatever it was, it didn't get anything going as far as labor is concerned.

He also said that if there is a next time I should emphasize my history to the midwives on the phone and insist on coming in for 30 minutes of monitoring. He didn't seem too happy that based on my history that they let me off the phone so easily. So now I know to push harder, but I do hope I don't have a repeat of those braxton hicks or whatever they were. One of the biggest benefits of having a scheduled c-section is no labor pains so I'll pass on them if I can. I am not one of those women who feel like I'm missing out on the birthing experience because I don't have to feel actual contractions. So screw them and get me straight to the drugs please!

I was very nervous this scan because it's the one where I got the horrible news the last time. So seeing that all is well was a huge relief. I even said these words, OUT LOUD AND EVERYTHING, "I guess we're really going to have this baby."

It's as if it's finally dawning on me that things may actually work out this time. That we may actually end up with a living, breathing, take-home baby. A baby that we have bought nothing for because I'm so paranoid that things may go wrong. Yikes!

Looks like we will be bringing our rainbow baby home after all!
*I hope I haven't tempted fate by writing this*

I need June 8th to hurry up and get here!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness

Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness

Lather, rinse, repeat

This my friends is my life these days. A constant swinging of emotions. I go from hopeful to anxious and back again. I haven't figured out how to balance it all just yet. We are so close to meeting our little lady, and yet so far away. I'm being seen weekly by the doctor now which is helpful and reassuring. But the days in between visits are a form of torture. Is she OK? Will she live? Will the next Dr visit bring bad news? Where is that fast forward button?

Anxiety
I'm 34 weeks pregnant. 34 weeks is the last time I know for sure that my son was still alive. He died sometime between 34 and 36 weeks. He died at this exact stage of pregnancy.

Panic
How on earth am I going to be able to make it through this exact stage of pregnancy again without completely losing my sanity? What if it happens again? How will I cope? How will The Hubby cope?

Hope
Everything is different this time. She is much bigger; much more active; and according to the doctor, thriving in a way he never did. She is doing well. She is going to be born healthy and alive.

Happiness
When she's moving around I feel love and joy and happiness. When she's not I feel panic.

I know babies don't move around 24 hours a day. I know they do actually sleep. I know she's much more active than he ever was. But my heart is unable to hear reason. It loves so hard and it doesn't know how to overcome the fear. So it panics. Even when my brain tells it it's being silly. It doesn't listen. The heart feels what it feels. Then I feel her moving again and all is right with the world.

Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness

Lather, rinse, repeat

She's Hanging In There... I'm Hopeful

Today we had our 31 (almost 32) week scan. I'm so happy and relieved to report that Frostina is doing great! She weighs approximately 3 pounds 13 ounces and once again has a fat belly. She looked super cute on the scan. The Hubby started crying when he saw her in 3D which was so sweet. That started me crying but I quickly stopped because I wanted to make sure I was holding still so the doctor could get all his measurements done.

The most beautiful face I've ever seen.

I can't really explain what a relief this news was. We were extra anxious going into this scan because this was the last good ultrasound we had with my son. This was the point where things went from fine to a total disaster in a matter of weeks. So for us this ultrasound was a HUGE trigger.

I shared all my fears with my doctor who was more than understanding. He told us that there is no comparison between Frostina's scan results and our son's. He even went so far as to show us the comparisons and the measurements aren't even close. He actually said that looking at our son's scans, it was clear to him that there were already growth restrictions. Something that my previous doctor didn't tell us. She told us he was fine, just a bit small.

I'm not trying to say that our previous doctor did anything wrong. My new doctor is looking at these results with the benefit of hindsight which is something none of us had at the time. He was merely trying to point out just how much better our little girl is doing. A fact that makes me feel amazingly happy.

I will see him again in two weeks for another scan and then a week from then for a quick consult and check up. Then if all is still going well we will deliver her on the 8th of June. That's only 5 weeks from this Friday. 

So tonight I am hopeful. Hopeful that things are going to work out this time. Hopeful that Frostina is going to be our take-home rainbow baby. Hopeful that this news can help calm the panic that rises within me from time to time.

Hopeful

Finding Hope In A Bikini Wax?

All the way back in September when I was coming off a failed IVF cycle and just about to begin another one (the one that worked) I wrote about finding hope in a replica of one of the chimneys from the Palau Güell in Barcelona. Then just this past February I wrote about how hope has been creeping into my life without me even noticing it.

I seem to get these flashes of hope when I least expect it. They come out of nowhere, just like the horrible flashbacks I sometimes get. These flashes of hope are the exact opposite of the flashbacks of pain and despair. A yin and an yang of emotions. For a long time I only got the negative flashbacks, but now it seems that hope is doing it's best to bring balance to my grief. So even though these flashes of hope come at at the strangest of times, I'm trying my best to embrace them. Because they sure are a lot more pleasant than the painful ones.

This time around they came in the form of a bikini wax. Yes, a bikini wax. That modern day form of torture where we lay on a table with our legs akimbo and allow some sadistic spa employee to apply wax all over our nether regions and then rip out all the hair. Although I must say that after everything I've endured in the way of infertility treatments, a bikini wax can seem like a walk in the park. 

Not an actual photo of me.

Anyway, it's been a while since I've had a bikini wax (I'm sure you really wanted to know that) so I knew this one would be a bit more painful than normal. A fact that I wasn't entirely thrilled about. I entered the room, undressed from the waist down and assumed the position. In anticipation of what was to come, I was slightly nervous about just how much this was going to hurt. Frostina, feeling my anxiety, started to kick and move around.

It was actually a nice distraction to watch my belly dancing around while the woman was applying and ripping off the wax. She thought it was funny as well so it gave us both something to chat about. Even when I had my eyes closed, I could still feel Frostina wiggling around like crazy. It made the whole experience much more enjoyable, well as enjoyable as waxing can be. 

On my way back home I was struck with a thought. I had many bikini waxes during my pregnancy with my son. Right up until a week before we lost him in fact. In all that time I don't ever remember him moving around during a wax. Not once.

That got me thinking about a question The Hubby has been asking me lately. He wanted to know if I think Frostina is more active than her brother was. I've never been able to answer that question because to be honest, I really don't remember. I was so blissfully happy after my 20 week scan and so sure he would be born alive that I really didn't pay attention to his movements. 

I think that's why I didn't notice when they started decreasing, or when they stopped completely. Because it wasn't something I put any focus on. Because it wasn't important. Because of course he was going to be born alive. I had nothing to worry about.

So this was a direct comparison. A comparison between Frostina and her older brother. One that I could vividly remember and compare properly. I was caught by surprise when Frostina kicked during my waxing because this was something her brother never did. Which means that she must be more active than he was. 

A comparison that gives me hope!

And if she's more active than he was then that must be because she is healthier than he was. More specifically, her placenta must still be hanging in there. Because the reason my son didn't make it was due to being starved of nutrients and space by his placenta. He couldn't move around as much because his placenta was failing. So if Frostina is so much more active then it must be because hers is fine.

We've been having Frostina and her placenta monitored very closely this pregnancy with nothing but positive feedback. But I've still had lingering doubts and fear. After all, everything was fine with my son,,,, until it wasn't. So I'm not entirely reassured by good feedback.

But Frostina kicking me like crazy during a bikini wax, something her brother never did, was different. Even though it's nothing that can be measured by science or medicine, it felt more real to me. It felt like proof that she is in fact better off than her brother was. That perhaps she is going to make it out of my body alive and healthy.

And that my friends is how I found hope in a bikini wax!


*Image from here.

A Letter To My Unborn Daughter

My dear sweet baby girl. Today I am 29 weeks pregnant with you. This is a milestone that is met with both excitement and fear. I feel guilty about the fear and sadness that has followed me through my pregnancy with you. You are a true miracle and a huge blessing. I should be shouting from the rooftops about just how happy your impending arrival has made me.

I am being given a second chance to be a mother to a living baby. You are that second chance, and yet I find myself overcome with the worry that something will happen to you, like it did to your older brother. I don't know if you know this, but you have a brother who is smiling down on you from heaven. We love him and wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him in our arms and take him home with us. Sadly, that was never to be and we can only hold his memory in our hearts.

Your daddy and I weren't sure that we could have another baby, and yet here you are growing inside me. I'm amazed at how much we already love you, even though we haven't even met you properly. I love how you seem to know when I'm worried and give me a kick or two as if to remind me that you're still there and you're still OK. I apologize that we haven't decided on a name for you just yet, but I promise you that we're working on that and will make a decision very soon.

We are already head over heels for you, sweet baby girl. Your daddy even has one of your ultrasound photos in his work planner. I think it's because he has to travel for work and wants to keep you close to him. When I saw that photo it made my heart melt. He loves you so much that we wants to be able to look at your photo while he's away and can't feel you kicking inside me. That's why it's so important that you keep growing. We need for you to be OK. We need for you to be born alive and healthy. Because I'm not sure either of us could survive another loss.

I wish that my pregnancy with you wasn't so filled with fear. A fear that sometimes drowns out the joy. Because you deserve the joy. You deserve to have parents who are excited and happy for your arrival. A happiness that isn't clouded in fear and sadness. Parents who aren't waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be told the worst possible news. You deserve that and so much more.

You deserve a mother who isn't afraid to let her friends throw you a baby shower. You deserve a mother who isn't so scared something will go wrong that she refuses to buy any baby things until after you arrive. You deserve a mother who isn't crying all the time about your brother in heaven who she misses terribly.

I don't ever want you to think that you are somehow second best, or a replacement for him, because you are not. I don't want you to ever feel like you're living in his shadow, because you won't be. But the fact is, that his death forever changed your mom and dad. We are trying our best to separate our feelings about his loss from our feelings of joy for your arrival. It's just that sometimes the lines are too blurred and we just can't manage it.

I can only hope that the day you are born alive and healthy that you can help us to heal. And that we can finally realize the joy that you will be bringing to our lives. You deserve that from us.

We're All In

I had an ultrasound yesterday and all is well with Frostina. She decided to start a kung fu kicking party right before the scan began which continued throughout. This party was called, kick Mommy and the ultrasound wand. Apparently it's all the rage with the 27 week old in-utero crowd. She sure seemed to enjoy it.

After all the measurements were done which showed she's growing right on track for her age, my doctor captured this image.

Caught in the act.

Yep, that's her foot in mid-kick. She was moving around and kicking so much that the doctor had to take extra time to listen to all the placental blood flow stuff he wanted to listen to. Apparently, when your baby keeps kicking the ultrasound wand it interferes with the sound wave measurements.

It was so nice and such a relief to see her moving around like that. I am always so scared when going into these scans because I have learned the hard way that they don't always bring good news. After the appointment I called The Hubby to share the experience. He's away at the moment and couldn't come to the scan. He was just as relieved as I was. But mixed in with his relief was the worry that is always there.

As this pregnancy progresses and we get closer to where it all went wrong the last time we are both getting more and more worried. We're at the point now where she is real. Denial is gone, and we're both getting to the point where the idea that this may actually happen for us this time is within our grasp. An avid poker player, The Hubby said it best when he told me that we're at the point now where we're all in.

In poker if you think you have a winning hand you will often go all in. In the tournaments they show on TV, the professionals push their huge stack of chips in the middle with a dramatic flair. "All in," they pronounce to the crowd. They usually will stand up and pace around the table in anticipation of the cards the dealer will flip over. If the cards are on their side, they cheer and jump around victoriously. They have won the jackpot and sometimes the title. They are the winners. If the cards are not on their side, they lose and walk away in defeat.

All in. That's how The Hubby and I feel.

All our chips are on the table. We're completely at the mercy of the cards we are yet to be dealt. We will either walk away from this in victory with a beautiful baby girl in our arms, or in defeat with empty arms and broken hearts.

We're all in and it's a very scary place to be.

A Very Important Date

I saw my doctor (or consultant as they refer to them on this side of the pond) this week. It was just a check up. You know, the boring ones where you pee in a cup, have your blood pressure taken, and get weighed. Although with this doctor they are slightly less boring because he has a small portable ultrasound machine in his office. So I got to see Frostina which I always love.

She is laying transverse which explains why I can feel her on both sides of my belly at the same time. She is also super cute and moves around a lot! The moving around part is a great reassurance for me, even if she does make some big kicks that catch me of guard sometimes.

After getting the good news that everything is going well with all the stuff they just checked I asked about my C-Section date. You see, based on my history of faulty placentas and my previous C-Section birth I already know I'll be having another one. This doctor wants to do it at 37 weeks because at this point Frostina will be considered term, and we reduce the risk of a repeat of last time (or perhaps something new). He said once she is term and her lungs are mature there's no reason to just keep her in there for the sake of keeping her in there.

I though it would be too soon to get an exact date but figured I'd ask. My Mom is going to come from the US and would like to be able to book her flights before they cost a small fortune. To my surprise, my doctor said we could set it up then and there. Wow!

So mark your calendars for Friday, the 8th of June!! If everything goes to plan then that's the day our little Frostina will make her debut. I'm just praying that everything continues to go well and we will be able to bring her home with us. A living breathing baby this time! Wouldn't that be amazing?

*Image from here 

Hope Creeps In

This pregnancy has not been easy on me emotionally. I suppose all pregnancies after a loss are difficult and what I'm experiencing is normal. That is if your definition of normal is rotating between fear, panic, dread, grief, sadness, nervousness, paranoia, wistfulness, longing, fixating, and terror. Since I'm always on the hunt for my new normal here, I'd say this probably isn't the best definition available. But alas, sometimes reality rules.

For the past 22 weeks I've been scared. Worried that something will go wrong like it did last time. Worried that I won't be able to handle it again. Worried that I won't be able to cope with another loss. Wondering if I was a complete crazy person to put myself in this vulnerable place again.

As time has gone on something odd has happened. Every now and then I experience this strange sensation. At first I didn't even notice it was there. It would flit in and out of my consciousness. Blink and you'd miss it.

What was this strange sensation? It seemed foreign and yet somehow familiar. Tiny butterflies in my stomach. A small smile that would creep onto my face from time to time. A skip in my step. A song in my heart. My mind starting to think ahead,,,, making plans. What was this strange sensation? 

Suddenly it hit me. I knew exactly what this strange emotion was.

It was hope.

Somehow amongst all the fear and the worry and the stress of this new pregnancy, hope had crept in. I didn't recognize it at first because I was so preoccupied with all my negative thoughts. Even if I did have awareness of it, I pushed it right back where it came from.

But this hope was stubborn. Instead of allowing itself to be pushed away, it pushed back. It came more often, screaming my name each time. "I'm back," it would shout. "Remember me? Still I pushed it back.

There is no room for hope when you're living each day in fear. Hope is the enemy. Hope makes you vulnerable to being hurt again. Protecting yourself from hope will protect you from pain,,,,, right?

But hope wouldn't give up. It came even more often, and it stayed for longer periods of time. Enough time for me to start going to prenatal yoga again. Enough time for me to start looking at baby girl nursery items on the internet. Enough time for me to buy tickets to go to the Baby Show here in London. Enough time for me to attend the Baby Show and actually enjoy myself!

I kid you not,,, I went to the Baby Show and enjoyed myself.

I'm very good at denial though and so even though hope was there, I refused to acknowledge it's existence. I got home from the Baby Show and couldn't stop talking about it to The Hubby. I didn't buy anything of course, but I had done all sorts of "research" on the latest baby buggy and nursery furniture. I was babbling on about this and that when I realized that The Hubby was smiling at me.

"What are you smiling at??" I asked him. Of course he said he wasn't smiling at anything, which made me continue to question until he finally spilled. He said it was just nice to see me happy and excited again. And that's when it hit me. Hope had crept back into my life. Perhaps not blind hope, more like guarded hope. But hope nonetheless.

This is not to say that I'm over the fear. I'm most definitely still feeling fear, panic, dread, grief, sadness, nervousness, paranoia, wistfulness, longing, fixating, and terror. It's just that now it's sprinkled with a little hope.

Waiting For The Christmas Spirit

Christmas is in full swing around here. The tree is up, the house is decorated, and all the presents have been wrapped. Plans have been made for most of the big meals. Dinner out for Christmas Eve, a huge dinner in for Christmas, and even a special meal for Boxing Day (which they celebrate here in the UK).

Unlike most years, it won't be just the two of us. My parents arrive today for a 2 week visit. In addition, we have invited some expat friends over for Christmas dinner. Because of the nature of The Hubby's job we always have to be home at Christmas time. As a result, since living over here we usually spend it on our own. I am looking forward to having a house full this year. I think it will help to make things feel less lonely and more like Christmas.

Now if only I can find my Christmas spirit.

We will have a house full of guests, food, and Christmas cheer. The Hubby is absolutely buzzing with enthusiasm and excitement, but I'm not sure I'm feeling it just yet. I want to feel it, but I'm not quite there yet.

I approach this Christmas with mixed feelings. I'm sad of course that we will be spending our second Christmas without our son. He would have been old enough this year to rip open presents and try to take the ornaments off the tree. I'm sure we would have spoiled him and got him way too many presents. Somehow I think this time of year will always feel empty without him.

We had lots of tears this year when we hung his ornaments on the tree. I wonder if that will happen every year? I suppose it probably will.

I also have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am pregnant again this year. This means that I have spent 2 of the last 3 holiday seasons pregnant. This time around it feels as much like the best gift ever as it did the first time. A little miracle just waiting to be born. I don't have the same sense of unbridled joy this time around. I suppose that's because this time my joy is mixed with my grief.

But it does give me hope. Hope that next year we will have a living child to share Christmas with. It is with that sense of hope that I'm doing my best to get into the spirit this year. Because we deserve to be happy, especially after all we've been through.

What I Want For Christmas

Christmas is quickly approaching and The Hubby has been asking me what I want. I still haven't been able to give him an answer. It's weird because usually I have no problems coming up with ideas for presents, especially if they are for me. There's always something I want, maybe a new handbag, maybe some jewellery, maybe clothes. But this year I'm drawing a blank.

This is not like me at all. I have been wondering what is wrong with me that I can't figure out something, anything that I would like to see wrapped under the tree this year.

Part of the problem is that I usually get clothes and being 10 weeks pregnant makes that a difficult one. I'm still in my normal clothes but soon to grow out of them I'm hoping. It's too early to buy maternity clothes, especially when I've already got a box of them down in the garage. So new clothes are pretty much out for now.

Another part of the problem is of course that we have spent a crazy amount of money this year on our fertility treatments and the travel required to do so. So obviously we are on a much more limited budget than normal.

But the largest part is that really, all I want is a living baby. One that I can take home in a car seat instead of in a tiny urn. My due date isn't until June and I certainly don't want my baby to come in time for this Christmas. I guess what I want is to know for sure that he or she will be born healthy and live a very long and happy life. I want my rainbow baby.

I want a guarantee that nothing will go wrong this time.

I want the peace of mind of knowing that all will end well.

That's what I want for Christmas this year.

2nd Beta

My second beta test was today and the numbers more than doubled! So I'm still pregnant. I have one more on Monday just to be sure but it's looking positive so far.

I am starting to believe that I may really be pregnant. But I know there's still a bunch of denial going on as well.

I feel speechless and wordless as to how I'm feeling. So it's a short post for today, but a good one.

Just Me And My Frosty

Today was my frozen embryo transfer day and I am now officially in my 2 week wait. It felt a lot like the last transfer day but with a few differences.

First, I was on my own, no hubby in sight. He had to be in a different country for business and couldn't make it this time.

Second, my RE wasn't the one doing my procedure. I was sitting in the lobby waiting to be called in. The nurse calls my name and brings me to the reception area and informs me I have a phone call from my RE. My heart dropped and I immediately thought the worst. But he was just calling to tell me he had a family emergency and couldn't be there to do the transfer. He wanted to let me know he was sorry and went over a few things with me. Phew, what a sigh of relief.


It was a bit strange getting ready for this transfer all by myself. I talked to the hubby on the phone right before I went in. I know he feels really guilty that he can't be with me this time. I do understand, but it was scarier on my own. I fought back the tears a bit as I put on the medical footies and undressed from the waist down (as you do). But I pulled myself together before any actual tears came.

The RE who did the transfer was very sweet. It hurt a bit more but that was probably because I was more tense this time. I laid on the table afterwards for about 30 minutes and then they sent me home with all the paperwork and a photo of Frosty.

So now Frosty and I are on bedrest. We took a nap and then caught up on some emails. Then we started watching an Entourage marathon. I somehow missed season 7 and figured this would be a great chance to catch up.

I do wish the hubby was here to keep me company though. It's just me and my Frosty,,,, but that's not such a bad thing now is it???

A Strange Patchwork Of Emotions

Yesterday I went in for my second ultrasound and blood test for my FET (that's frozen embryo transfer). Everything looks great. I've got a good triple-stripe lining and my hormone levels are good too. So I was given the go ahead to book my very expensive, last-minute flight to the US for my transfer.

It's scheduled for next week, Thursday the 13th. Exactly 1 year and 2 months after my son was born still. The significance of this date is not lost on me. I swear, you couldn't plan these things if you tried.

It's such a tricky thing trying for another baby while still mourning the one you've lost. Dates and milestones blend together in a strange patchwork of emotions. Where feelings of hopefulness exist side by side with feelings of despair. Where a simple date on the calendar can represent both the worst day of your life and the potential for a miracle.

I'm still working on the balance of hopefulness and despair. Perhaps there is never a balance. Perhaps there is never a way to work out feeling both sets of emotions at the same time. Perhaps we all just do the best we can to move forward and try not to trip over our feelings.

At the moment I'm trying to focus on my hope. I do believe that mindset can affect fertility and I want to give this cycle the best possible chance of success. I just hope I can manage it.