Homecoming, A Year On

A year ago today we brought Frostina home from the hospital.

I was still in complete awe, amazed that I actually had a living baby to bring home this time. Coming home with baby in tow was so much better than the time before when I came home empty handed.

The house had gone from being completely lacking in baby things to overflowing with baby things. A sea of pink as I recall. It was a wonderful day even though I was super tired and still sore from my c-section.

A year later and my house is still overflowing with baby things. It never ceases to amaze me at how easily your house can fill up with baby equipment and toys. Some things, like her swing, have already been moved into the garage. So the pile up in there grows as well.

She is still not really crawling but she's an avid cruiser. She only cruises to the right at the moment which is pretty funny. As a solution I have placed chairs and her toys in a circle so she can keep cruising non-stop. Before I came up with my circular "cruising track" I had to keep picking her up and moving her back to the left whenever she reached the end of the line.

I also made the phone call today to have my saline sonogram done. It's one of the prep steps we have to do before we can move forward with trying for rainbow baby number two. As long as my uterus looks clear and healthy then we can take that leap.

A year ago I was staring at my tiny newborn with wonder. Today I stare at my almost toddler with the same wonder. I hope that feeling never goes away.

I'm Finally Packing For Three

It feels like my blogging life has come full circle.

Or it's about to.

Where it all started,,, it's about to return,,, but with a much happier result this time.

It's surreal on many levels.

I almost can't believe it's actually happening.

If you would have told the me of 2 years ago that this day would come I'm not sure I would have believed you.

And yet here it is.

We are planning a trip home to see the family. We leave in a couple of weeks and I've got so much planning and packing to do.

A trip we do and prepare for every year.

But this year we are actually bringing a living, breathing baby with us.

No ashes in an urn.

A real living baby.

A real living baby!!!

We get to do all the things we had planned before....

A christening.

Family photos.

Sharing our joy with our loved ones.

Such a different place from where this whole blogging journey began.

That day, almost two years ago, when I wrote this post and Finding My New Normal was born.

Friday, 5 November 2010

I should be packing right now.

I really should be packing. We are flying home to see the family for the first time since losing our son in August. This was going to be the first visit home for him to meet his grandparents and extended family. But instead of bringing home a happy baby, we are bringing home his ashes in a tiny plastic urn. Instead of being held by his loving parents, his ashes will be scattered in a beautiful place that we both love. It is not fair and I do not want to have to be doing any of this. So this is why I am not packing yet. Because once I start packing I have to face the reality that I am only packing for 2 and not for 3.



A post about packing for a trip home is where it all began.

And today I once again write about packing for a trip home.

But today things are very different than they were that dark and sad day in November of 2010.

This time around I'm finally packing for three!!!

Predictions

I am a planner. I like to know things. I like to have information. That way I can make plans. I'm not saying that my plans always work out.... take my last pregnancy for example.... but making the plans makes me happy. So I really don't like the fact that I don't know if my little Frosty is a girl or a boy.

When I was pregnant with our son we knew at 13 weeks. This is because due to The Hubby and I both being carriers for cystic fibrosis, we opted to do a CVS to make sure he would not carry the disease. When you do a CVS they can also tell you the sex of the baby. No guessing, no playing peeping Tom with the ultrasound to identify girl or boy bits, no chance of error. You know 100% that your baby is either XX or XY. Done!

This time since we used donor eggs we don't need to worry about cystic fibrosis (phew). It also means Frosty showed low risk for downs syndrome (thank you 20-something year old donor eggs). So this time we are opting not to do a CVS or an Amnio. I don't want to take any unnecessary risks with our little Frosty.

All good, except that it means I have to wait until 20 weeks to find out if we have a "Frosty" or a "Frostina" in here.

I have been feeling a boy vibe up until now. The last time I also felt boy and I was right. But then last night I had a dream about Frosty. She had been born and she was a girl. She was super cute with brown hair and brown eyes just like mine. I remember thinking that was funny since both our egg donor and The Hubby have brown hair and green eyes.

I am now wondering if I want to change my prediction from boy to girl?? I know it's all just a fun game we play with ourselves, this predicting. I know we won't know until we play peek-a-boo at 20 weeks. But I am starting to wonder if indeed I am having a girl.


I should also stress that I have no preference whatsoever. After what I've been through I just want a baby born alive and healthy.

What I Want For Christmas

Christmas is quickly approaching and The Hubby has been asking me what I want. I still haven't been able to give him an answer. It's weird because usually I have no problems coming up with ideas for presents, especially if they are for me. There's always something I want, maybe a new handbag, maybe some jewellery, maybe clothes. But this year I'm drawing a blank.

This is not like me at all. I have been wondering what is wrong with me that I can't figure out something, anything that I would like to see wrapped under the tree this year.

Part of the problem is that I usually get clothes and being 10 weeks pregnant makes that a difficult one. I'm still in my normal clothes but soon to grow out of them I'm hoping. It's too early to buy maternity clothes, especially when I've already got a box of them down in the garage. So new clothes are pretty much out for now.

Another part of the problem is of course that we have spent a crazy amount of money this year on our fertility treatments and the travel required to do so. So obviously we are on a much more limited budget than normal.

But the largest part is that really, all I want is a living baby. One that I can take home in a car seat instead of in a tiny urn. My due date isn't until June and I certainly don't want my baby to come in time for this Christmas. I guess what I want is to know for sure that he or she will be born healthy and live a very long and happy life. I want my rainbow baby.

I want a guarantee that nothing will go wrong this time.

I want the peace of mind of knowing that all will end well.

That's what I want for Christmas this year.

Dreaming About Rainbows

I had a dream last night about rainbows. In this dream I was trying to explain to my hubby how a baby you have after a loss is called your rainbow baby while trying to show him a rainbow in the sky. This rainbow kept showing when I was looking and then going away when he was looking. It took a while but finally it showed for both of us.

It's no surprise I'm dreaming about rainbows. Last night I had two phone calls to talk about my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. The first call came from the nurse who was updating me on the donor and also wanting to find out how much medication I still had. It was a pretty long call (especially considering she was calling from the US) and she was basically walking me through how this week and next week will look. She was positive but still cautious. Telling me things were going well, but not to buy my plane ticket until after fertilization.

The second call was from the doctor who sounded much more sure that things were going to plan. He told me that they will probably trigger the donor on Wednesday and do the egg retrieval on Friday. Which means if all goes well then I will be hopping on a plane and heading to Washington DC next week Tuesday. He advised me not to buy my plane ticket just yet but ended the call with, "See you next week."

See you next week.

So what started as dates on a piece of paper has turned into something that may actually happen. And the hubby who has been keeping me from getting ahead of myself is now freaking out. He's trying to plan his week, what days he can work from the hotel and what day he can sneak out and go see a baseball game. I reminded him that after the transfer I have to take it easy and not do much so a baseball game might not work out. To which he said then he could just go on his own,,, nice. He is now the one getting ahead of himself. He kept getting the dates all wrong and I finally had to tell him to stop and breathe.

So now we're both excited and scared..... and dreaming about rainbows.

An Amazing Letter From My Mother

We're getting ready to start our donor egg IVF cycle and I was talking with my parents about it over the weekend. They are hugely supportive of what we are doing because they know exactly what we are going through. You see, when I was 2 years old my Mother had a stillborn son. The cause was doctor error,, they pierced the umbilical cord during an amnio in the 8th month. She had no idea anything was wrong until the next appointment when they found no heartbeat. This was back in the 1970's when people weren't nearly as sensitive to these things. They told her to go home and wait for labor, which took almost two weeks to happen. In the meantime she had 2 year-old me to chase around and there was no hiding the bump. After my brother was born, they whisked him away and a priest came to visit and told her she was young and could have more babies. They never named him and don't know where exactly he is buried.

I am telling you this to give you some context to the amazing email that she wrote me after our conversation. In this amazing letter she is writing to me not just as my Mother, but as a fellow BLM. She doesn't know I blog so I'm sure she won't mind that I share it with all of you. I will post this as she sent it, except for a few minor edits to remove some names.

I found it very inspiring to hear the words of a fellow BLM who is over 30 years into her journey. She has amazing perspective and I hope her words can help comfort you as much as they comforted me.

Dearest  "My New Normal",

Today when we were talking, I realized the enormity of all you have been through. You have been through shock, loss, pain, grief, depression, and finally hope. You have also felt the love and support of your husband, family, friends, and fellow sisters who have lost their babies! Each of us has tried to give you our words, shoulders and most of all our healing love! You've found the words and poems that describe your own grief and feelings. 

I too sought the same things. The sharing of sadness, learning that what we think and feel is universal, creates a comforting connection between us and other women, and helps to validate what we personally think and feel. To heal it is absolutely necessary to understand exactly what we have been through, as we try to measure our progress toward recovery. 

I learned that I was forever changed, but also learned that while I had deep pain, I also had a strength I had not known I possessed. Like I've heard you say, I would never wish this upon anyone, but I do believe that the only way we get through such crushing loss, is with the nearness, and caring of our loved ones, and all who helped us were placed in our lives by God. People who were there when we needed them, said the words we needed to hear, were put there by God. Our friends are the hands of God here on earth.

I think I pondered the same things you have, and so for 2 years I waited for the magical moment when I'd feel completely healed and ready to try again. Then I realized that the next step would not be as I expected. I saw that I needed to go forward, and that it would take a "leap of faith", and I was not sure I could be brave enough. So your dad and I just decided to look ahead, think positively  and trust in the ultimate compassion of God.

You know that goodness surrounds you, and if you look in the right places and continue to reach out for the "healing touch" you will find the comfort that will give you hope and joy . What I want most for you, is to shift your total focus toward the future. Allow yourself to wish, hope, and pray for everything that you two want. I read a phrase that said, “I will have my angels encamped around you because I want to protect you”. Dad and I will begin again to pray nightly for you and "the hubby" to be blessed with a "gift from God".

We love you and are with you!

Mom and Dad

 

A Dream, If Only For A Fleeting Moment

It's been over 9 months since my son died and not once have I ever dreamed about him. Last night all that changed, I finally had a dream about my baby boy.

In the dream I was home with my Mother. We were talking about something and then suddenly I noticed something behind her. It was my beautiful perfect son,,,, alive. He was sleeping and had these amazing long eyelashes (like I have).

I couldn't believe it.

"He's alive Mom, he's not dead," I said to her. I couldn't stop gazing at him, looking all healthy and alive. He had a pinky glow to him. The kind of coloring that living babies have (which is much different than the coloring that dead babies have). I was joyful and this huge wave of relief spread over me. He wasn't dead after all. He was alive. And this whole terrible tragedy had just been a terrible dream. He was alive.

I wanted to reach out and touch him. But then I shifted from one dream to another. In this one I remembered that he was really dead.

I had seen his lifeless body.
I had picked up his ashes from the crematorium.
I had read his post mortem report.

Surely all these things wouldn't have been possible if he was alive.

So I crashed back to reality, while I was still dreaming.

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. Happy for a glimpse of him I suppose, but sad that the only time I will ever see my son alive is in my dreams.

He's dead, and I don't want him to be dead. I want him to be here with me. I miss him so much.

Easter

Easter snuck up on me this year. I didn't realize that it would hit me so hard. It's never really been a big holiday for the hubby and I.

I usually do a ham and buy us some chocolate, but that's about it. We don't even go to church anymore because we don't go the rest of the year and it feels slightly hypocritical to go on Easter and Christmas but not the rest of the year. So it's normally just a nice Sunday with a special dinner and phone and skype calls to the family back home.

In retrospect I should have expected the tears.

Easter is so much more of a kids holiday than I realized. Getting the outfit, the Easter basket, the Easter egg hunts, dying eggs the day before; all of these things are done when you have kids.

As I saw my real life friends happily posting photos of egg dying sessions and videos of egg hunts it hit me.

I am missing out on all of this.

Not that an 8 month old can dye eggs, but he would definitely have been old enough to dress in a cute outfit. Perhaps he would  have been crawling around the floor grabbing Easter eggs (well the plastic ones, not the real ones). There would have been the photos of him with the Easter bunny in his cute outfit. I would have sent them via email and facebook to all my friends and family back home.

Except that he isn't here.

That's what really set me off I guess. The things I was missing out on. That I will always miss out on.

The boy that will never be.

More Strange Dreams

A few nights ago I had a very strange and disturbing dream. In this dream I was walking around in a park and this boy (probably around 2 or 3 years old) grabbed onto my leg and wouldn't let go. I asked this boy who he was and why he was holding on to me. He told me that I seemed like a nice mommy and asked if he could come home and live with me. I asked him who his mother was and where I could find her. I told him that he couldn't live with me because his family would really miss him if he moved in with me. He led me to a building where they were having a private party. There were a bunch of people and a bunch of balloons decorating the room. I carefully unwrapped the boy's arms from my leg and brought this child to his family. They greeted me with cheers and thanks for returning their son to them. Then I was told that I had to leave because I was not invited to the party. So I left, squeezing past the two bulky security guards blocking the doorway.

The next night I had another dream. In this one I was watching my friend's son who is 2. I had taken him to some kind of fair or carnival. I looked away for a moment and when I turned around he was gone. I looked frantically for him everywhere but couldn't find him. I started crying and yelling his name. But no matter where I looked, I couldn't find him. I remember thinking, what kind of terrible person am I? I lost my own son and now I've lost my friend's son as well. I was just getting ready to call my friend and break this terrible news when I woke up.

I think that both dreams are a sign that I am still trying to process what has happened to me over the past 5 months.

The first one reminds me about how I've always felt left out of the "Mommy and Daddy" club. We struggled with infertility for so long before I finally got pregnant. I thought we would never be allowed into this club by the bouncers. In this dream I was allowed in, but just for a second. Just long enough to bring the boy in and leave him with his real family. Just as in real life I am now in the club, but my child is not here with me. Like the boy in my dreams, my son has been taken from me. To a place where I cannot enter. 

The second one seems to me to be more about my own guilt. The guilt that I didn't know anything was wrong with my baby. That as I was having fun and enjoying my pregnancy, he was dying and I didn't even notice. In the dream I looked away for a moment and my friend's son was gone. I didn't get to take him home from the fair, I had to make a call to his mother instead and tell her he was missing. Just as in real life I didn't get to take my son home from the hospital. Instead I had to make phone calls and send emails telling my family the bad news.

I had another dream a few days ago, but this one was a good one. In this dream I was newly pregnant again. I was looking at a tiny blob on an ultrasound screen. And I wasn't scared at all, I was just happy.

This is the dream that I hope will come true.

Dreams

To all of you who have lost children. Do you ever see them in your dreams?

Today is the 13th of January. It's been exactly 5 months since my beautiful, perfect son was born still. He was perfect in every way, a victim of his placenta which failed to do it's job. Five months since we said good bye to our hopes and dreams. Five months since we had the dream of the perfect family.

Not once in those five months have I had any dreams of my beloved son.

I am an avid dreamer. I remember them all. I have many recurring dreams, being naked in public, being chased, being on an elevator that is out of control. I dream about all sorts of things. But for the life of me, I am unable to dream about our son.

Somewhere in between my 34 week doctor appointment where I last heard my baby's heartbeat and the 36 week scan where there was no heartbeat, my husband had a dream about our son. I remember it so well. He woke up with a big smile on his face. "I saw our son last night in my dream." he said. "He had these beautiful big blue eyes and he was smiling at me." The joy on my husband's face was something I will never forget. "He is beautiful," he told me. "I can't wait to meet him."

I remember sharing this story with a few of my friends. How lovely, I thought. How lovely that my husband is dreaming about our son. What a fantastic father he will be. Little did I know that our son had most likely already grown his angel wings by then.

Is it possible that what my husband was dreaming about was actually our son saying good bye? Do you believe in things like that? I'm not sure if I do or not, but it's an awfully strange coincidence that the only dream he had about our baby boy was during the time that he left his body and went to live in heaven. Either way, I would like to believe that it was our son's way of letting us know that he was leaving us and that he is OK.

I just wish that I could see him in my dreams as well. I miss him so much.