Jet Lag Is A Bitch

We are back in the UK after a wonderful trip home to the US to see family.

It's great to see family and watch Frostina interact with her family. But the coming home part sucks ass.

We are back to a land where it is 8 hours ahead,,,, after an almost 11 hour flight,,, with a 14 month old,,,,,,,

The plane ride was not so nice.

Our first night home was even worse.

Frostina went down at her normal 7pm bed time. Then she was up at 1am. Somehow thinking her bed time was just a nap.

So I was up with her from 1am until 4:30am until she finally went back to bed.

It's currently 9:45pm on day two.

Please let her sleep through the night!

Jet lag is a bitch!

Traveling Internationally With Baby- 10 Thing I've Learned

Travelling with a baby can be a daunting and difficult task. Especially if you're travelling internationally. We are on our second trip to the US since having Frostina and I am learning more and more each time. Here's some of what I've learned this trip.

1. Travelling with a 7 month old is harder than travelling with a 5 month old. I guess the more they can and want to move around, the harder it is.
2. If you book a bassinet on the aeroplane and it is the kind that attaches to a shelf with straps, your baby will not sleep in it. Instead she will play with the straps for 7 hours or so and only sleep for 45 minutes (and only then because you rocked her to sleep in the aisle). 
3. I have totally missed the USA and it's customer service. We checked into the hotel and because we had Frostina with us they offered us a fridge and microwave without us even having to ask. Not to mention the upgrade to a "pure" room which is basically a normal room with an air filter in it. But still, clean air is clean air.
4. Frostina is a total trooper. She loves the buggy and loves being pushed around it in new places. 
5. She is also great at restaurants, although we've yet to test her much past 5pm. To be fair, I take her to breakfast, coffee, and lunch all the time. But I've always avoided dinner time as I am worried about meltdowns. So tonight The Hubby convinced me to try a very early dinner. She was fine... but we got there at 5 and left by 5:30. So not exactly the kind of dinner's out we're used to.
6. London isn't nearly as cold as I think it is. After a few days in NYC, London is starting to feel like Hawaii.
7. Keeping a baby entertained in a hotel room can be a challenge.
8. If you have a baby who is used to bathing in a small plastic tub, be prepared for screams when you attempt to place her in a full sized tub. Apparently they are super scary for 7 month olds.
9. If you are lucky, there will be an older and even worse behaved child sitting near you on the plane. That way the dirty looks of your fellow air passengers will be focused their way instead of yours.
10. My little girl is a total city baby. She can sleep through construction, car horns, and ambulance sirens. In fact, I think she sleeps better with all the noise than at home in her quiet bed.

I'm sure there is more to learn, but we're only half way through our vacation. If I learn anything else I will be sure to share it. 

Finally Packing For 3 - Part 2

We leave tomorrow at 8am to fly back to the US to see the family for the first time since Frostina was born.

I'm completely overwhelmed. Of course I'm super excited to finally get to introduce a living baby of mine to to the family.... but boy do babies need a lot of stuff. I have no idea how we're going to get all this stuff on the plane.

Yikes! Mama needs a glass of wine!

And I need to get packing too!

I'm Finally Packing For Three

It feels like my blogging life has come full circle.

Or it's about to.

Where it all started,,, it's about to return,,, but with a much happier result this time.

It's surreal on many levels.

I almost can't believe it's actually happening.

If you would have told the me of 2 years ago that this day would come I'm not sure I would have believed you.

And yet here it is.

We are planning a trip home to see the family. We leave in a couple of weeks and I've got so much planning and packing to do.

A trip we do and prepare for every year.

But this year we are actually bringing a living, breathing baby with us.

No ashes in an urn.

A real living baby.

A real living baby!!!

We get to do all the things we had planned before....

A christening.

Family photos.

Sharing our joy with our loved ones.

Such a different place from where this whole blogging journey began.

That day, almost two years ago, when I wrote this post and Finding My New Normal was born.

Friday, 5 November 2010

I should be packing right now.

I really should be packing. We are flying home to see the family for the first time since losing our son in August. This was going to be the first visit home for him to meet his grandparents and extended family. But instead of bringing home a happy baby, we are bringing home his ashes in a tiny plastic urn. Instead of being held by his loving parents, his ashes will be scattered in a beautiful place that we both love. It is not fair and I do not want to have to be doing any of this. So this is why I am not packing yet. Because once I start packing I have to face the reality that I am only packing for 2 and not for 3.



A post about packing for a trip home is where it all began.

And today I once again write about packing for a trip home.

But today things are very different than they were that dark and sad day in November of 2010.

This time around I'm finally packing for three!!!

Operation Distraction

I am back from the lovely US of A. Even though we didn't go to Washington DC as tourists, we did catch a few sights while we were there. Tomorrow evening we're off again, this time to Barcelona. The hubby has to go for work and I've decided to tag along. I will be spending quite a bit of time on my own since he will be pretty busy, but it beats being home alone, especially this week.

Our tourist excursions in DC and the week in Barcelona are all part of "Operation Distraction." You see, in addition to being officially in my 2 week wait from our donor egg IVF cycle it is also only one week until our son's first birthday. It's a lot to deal with all at one time so the idea is to keep me busy so I won't have lots of time on my own to dwell on things. I'm not trying to deny either event or it's significance and will give each it's due focus and respect of course. But the less time alone sitting on my couch I have to obsess, the better.

The timing of these two things couldn't be more bittersweet for me. On the one hand I'm super excited to think that this cycle could work and I could be pregnant again. On the other hand I'm super sad to think that it's been almost one full year without my precious baby boy. When we began this cycle it never even occurred to me that we would be waiting on results right around the 13th which is his day.

In fact, I felt a huge sigh of relief when I found out that my beta test won't be until the 17th of August. I'm not sure I would want to be having my pregnancy test results back before or on his birthday. I'm not going to cheat and pee on a stick before the 13th either. I want his birthday to be all about him, not about joy or sorrow over pregnancy test results.

As I mentioned before, we will be releasing a balloon to honor our son's memory. We will do ours privately but will be inviting family and close friends to release their own as well. Sometime this week I've got to draft that email letting people know our plans and inviting them to participate, but first things first.

So today it's a rush of laundry and re-adjusting to UK time. Tomorrow night I will be tucked into my bed at the hotel in Barcelona. I will of course be taking it easy to give that little embryo time to snuggle in for the long haul. I figure it's just as beneficial to lay on a lounge chair by the pool as it is to lay on my couch. Plus I won't be having to do any housework or dishes while I'm in Barcelona so really I'm going to be taking it easier than if I'd stayed home, right?

Operation Distraction is in full swing. Here's hoping it helps pass the time!

Dreaming About Rainbows

I had a dream last night about rainbows. In this dream I was trying to explain to my hubby how a baby you have after a loss is called your rainbow baby while trying to show him a rainbow in the sky. This rainbow kept showing when I was looking and then going away when he was looking. It took a while but finally it showed for both of us.

It's no surprise I'm dreaming about rainbows. Last night I had two phone calls to talk about my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. The first call came from the nurse who was updating me on the donor and also wanting to find out how much medication I still had. It was a pretty long call (especially considering she was calling from the US) and she was basically walking me through how this week and next week will look. She was positive but still cautious. Telling me things were going well, but not to buy my plane ticket until after fertilization.

The second call was from the doctor who sounded much more sure that things were going to plan. He told me that they will probably trigger the donor on Wednesday and do the egg retrieval on Friday. Which means if all goes well then I will be hopping on a plane and heading to Washington DC next week Tuesday. He advised me not to buy my plane ticket just yet but ended the call with, "See you next week."

See you next week.

So what started as dates on a piece of paper has turned into something that may actually happen. And the hubby who has been keeping me from getting ahead of myself is now freaking out. He's trying to plan his week, what days he can work from the hotel and what day he can sneak out and go see a baseball game. I reminded him that after the transfer I have to take it easy and not do much so a baseball game might not work out. To which he said then he could just go on his own,,, nice. He is now the one getting ahead of himself. He kept getting the dates all wrong and I finally had to tell him to stop and breathe.

So now we're both excited and scared..... and dreaming about rainbows.

Silent Sunday

On Holiday

I am on holiday in Spain. It's a much needed break both for the hubby and myself. He's been super busy at work and I've been super busy getting us moved into our new place. So really the timing is perfect.

I still have to do all my injections while I'm here. In fact I've got one to do tonight. Got lots of Spanish wine at the ready! Speaking of injections, I had no issue getting my meds and syringes onto the plane. I was worried that I would be hassled, but it was no problem.

I may not post much while I'm here. And I'm on the hubby's laptop which for some reason won't let me comment on any blogs..... strange. But anyway if you don't see me here or hear from me on your blogs that's why.

Have a great week everyone!

Traveling With Needles

I woke up feeling achy today. Like that feeling you get when you have a fever. I think it may be the lupron finally kicking in. Still no crazy to speak of,,,, but the hubby is home now so he may have a different opinion on that : ) .

Speaking of the hubby, he's back from his whirlwind series of business trips. Yay!! Even better, he is on vacation for the next two weeks! That's right boys and girls, I said two weeks. One of the things we love the most about living here in England is that taking two weeks off is considered pretty standard. Employers do not "frown upon" it as most people do it. It's normal here. I'm sure all my fellow Americans will be able to relate to how awesome this is since back in the US you get one week and that's it. If you want to take two together you usually have to have a really good reason and get special approval.

I'm not sure the hubby has kicked into "vacation mode" just yet. He didn't get home until yesterday afternoon and even this morning he still seems quiet and a bit on edge. But I give it another day or two and then I will have my happy, smiley, vacation hubby! I really like that guy!!

We will be staying here for a few days so the hubby can get into full vacation mode and then we're off to Spain! Woo Hoo!! I am soooooo looking forward to it. This will not be our usual sightseeing and tours kind of holiday though. We've booked a place where we can sleep late, lay by the pool, and get spa treatments. This is definitely a lazy holiday. Just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, I must remember to bring my prescription that says I can travel with needles and medications. That's right,,,, in addition to all the relaxing and massages I still have to inject myself. I don't get a vacation from IVF. But no complaints, I think a relaxing week away will put me in the right frame of mind for the embryo transfer. Plus I will be doing my injections in the comfort of a 5-star resort in Spain!

*I just re-read and noticed that I used the terms vacation and holiday interchangeably. Hilarious!! One of the side effects of having lived here in the UK for almost six years is that I often mix up UK and US terminology. I have gotten to the point where I forget which is which sometimes. I'm sure my fellow expats can relate to this!

Green

Today is my first time participating in The Gallery which is hosted over at Sticky Fingers. It's all about photography. Each week she gives a prompt as inspiration.

I am in no way a photographer, but I travel quite a bit and have been known to take a snap or two when I see something amazing. So in an effort to fill this blog with something a bit more light hearted, I am going to join this week.

The prompt.... Green.

I immediately thought of Ireland. So here's a shot I took a few years ago on a trip there. It's the view from the top of the Blarney Castle.

Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yes, I did kiss the Blarney Stone while I was there.

Happy List

Once again I'm participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays. I've taken a few weeks off because sometimes it's hard to come up with happy things. But not this week. So here goes.

1. My bag-o-meds. I'm not at all happy about having to inject myself (I haven't gone totally crazy). But I'm happy that we have a plan. This bag represents a path forward, hope, and optimism. I do wish that our plan didn't involve needles, but hey,,,, I've been through much worse.

2. Clear tubes. I can't believe I'm posting this photo a second time. But they mean we can move forward with our egg donation + IVF cycle. And that's a good thing.

3. Sunny days. Please note that this photo was taken on a holiday to Dubai last year,,, this is not London. But a sunny day in London makes me feel like I'm on holiday. And holidays make me happy.

4. Wine with friends. Such a nice way to spend an evening. And some macaroons if you've got them. Again, this photo was taken on a weekend away in France. I think the fact that I'm digging out old holiday photos means I need to plan another one soon.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

On The Road

We're going back to the US for our appointment with the clinic where we are going to do our egg donation. I'm excited but nervous. I'm also a bit miffed about the difference between what women have to endure vs what men do when it comes to assisted fertility. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a man.

I have to get some kind of mock transfer thing where they "map my uterus." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't completely awkward and uncomfortable. The hubby on the other hand has to provide a "sample." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't at least slightly enjoyable for him.

So basically, I leave the office feeling violated and probed and he leaves with a smile on his face. Life really isn't fair is it????

I've got my list of questions ready and am hoping to make the final decision as to whether we share our donor with one person or two. The cost goes down if you share and we can't afford to have our own donor. Plus I've got some questions about how the whole anonymous donor thing works if at some point in the future the child (so getting ahead of myself here) has questions about the egg donor.

We are going to spend the rest of the weekend in the US as tourists. Which really means I get to go to Target and we get to eat all the fattening US food that we can't get in the UK. I think of it as food tourism. Perhaps I will do a post dedicated solely to what we ate on our trip???

Yikes! We're really doing this!!!

The Club That No One Wants To Join

I have found myself a part of a very exclusive club. It's a secret club that you only find out about once you're invited to join. The price of membership is very high and there are no refunds. Once you become a member, you are a member for life. No matter where you go or what you do, you will always belong to this club. It is an all-inclusive group of men and women from around the world. This club does not discriminate against anyone for any reason. It is one of the most diverse clubs around. Equal opportunity reigns free here.

What is this fabulous club, you ask? What is the price of membership? How did you hear about it? How do I sign up?

The answer is this...

The club goes by many different names but I call it the Baby Loss Mom's Club. The price of membership is the life of your child. No one tells you about it in advance, it's a very secretive society. But when your baby dies you gain instant membership.

It's the club that no one wants to join,,, and I'm a member.

If you are reading this then it's highly likely that you are a member too. If this is the case then I am very sorry.

The only good thing about being in the club is that it is filled with amazing people who support each other. When the rest of the world is busy moving on and not wanting to talk about our loss anymore, our fellow members are still there. They grieve along side us. They get us. They are us.

So thank you to all my fellow BLM's who have been there for me during my journey through grief. I don't think I could do this without you. I only wish I could have met you through a different club, like maybe a wine tasting club, or a travel club. I wish that our children could have met each other and played together here on earth and not in some other place like heaven, or an alternate universe, or another dimension.

I wish we all weren't members of this club. The club that no one wants to join.

Girl's Weekend- Fun, Food, and Surprising Opinions

I got back yesterday from an amazing weekend in Brussels. It was ladies only and the seven of us had an absolute blast. It was so nice to get away. Nice to get out of London, get away from my daily routine, and take a weekend off from my grief. When you're out with seven lively ladies, there's not much time to think about grief and dead babies, and that's just what I needed.

We stayed at a great hotel right in the middle of town. We ate at some amazing restaurants. We slept late. We drank a LOT. We laughed and shopped. We talked about our families and husbands. We even ran into a bunch of people who work at the US embassy at a bar. Talk about surreal, we're in a bar in Brussels and we run into a bunch of diplomats and embassy personnel. They were a fun group and seemed quite happy to hear another American accent so far from home.

There was one interesting moment at dinner. In my last post here on Friday I was asking for advice about how much of my egg donation journey I should share with people. Most of you wisely advised me to keep things private for now as I can always tell more later but can't "untell" people. So I took this advice and didn't over share,,,, even after several glasses of wine/beer/champagne.

Somehow at dinner the topic of Kelly Preston and John Travolta came up. The talk was of the fact that she recently had a baby even though she's almost 50. One of the ladies in our group said, "I'm sure she used an egg donor." My heart dropped and I tried to keep a straight face. Another friend disagreed and said that women can get pregnant even in their late 40's. I am now listening intently to this line of conversation, trying to will myself not to say anything. In this group of seven, only myself and my two close friends know about my journey. The other four women at the table have no idea.

After a bit of back and forth about what types of fertility assistance the Travoltas may or may not have had, one of my friends says, "I think it's wrong to mess around with nature too much."

Wow, I think to myself, did she really just say that??? It never would have occurred to me that she would have such a surprisingly strong opinion on the topic of assisted reproduction. I don't know her that well, but considering she's the mother of three children I think it's safe to say that she has not had to deal with infertility. So where in the world does that kind of judgement come from?

For me it was a good reminder that people out there do have opinions. Even very nice people that we see and interact with on a daily basis. So for now I think I will keep things just between my family, my close friends, and of course all of you!

Other than that one conversation, it was a great weekend. I'm so glad I went!

My Head is Spinning

Moving forward, making plans, booking flights,,,,,,,,, breathe.

We are moving forward with our egg donation journey. I have talked with the patient liaison and the doctor over the phone and have taken a look at the online egg donor database. I am increasingly optimistic about this choice. According to the doctor, my chances of bringing home a live baby using my own eggs is about 8% per cycle and the chances if I use a donor egg are 47% per cycle. Talk about increasing my odds!! Wow! 

We have booked an appointment to visit the clinic in Washington DC for the 25th of March. This first visit is free of charge except of course we have to pay for our flights and hotel. So that means we probably won't be able to take the trip to Sardinia that we had planned for the end of May,,,, but obviously this takes priority. On this visit we will get to meet the team and see the facility. It will also allow us to ask questions about the program and make a plan.

It will be a short visit this time, flying out on Thursday and coming home on Sunday. A bit of a whirlwind. Hopefully we can squeeze in some sightseeing on Saturday since neither of us has been to DC before. 

I'm excited, and scared, and hopeful.

Breathe.

Goodbye 2010, I Will Be Glad to See You Go.

2010 started off so well. I had just found out I was pregnant after 7 years of trying. I was turning 40 and we were having a huge party to celebrate. I was having a great pregnancy. The CVS showed that our baby would not have Cystic Fibrosis (this was a worry since hubby and I are both carriers) and was genetically perfect. We found out we were having a boy (huge jumps for joy on the part of my husband). We were surrounded by a fabulous group of friends which is greatly appreciated since we live in a different country from our family. We went on some great vacations to places like Madrid, Dubai, and Lisbon.

Life was pretty good, in fact I remember thinking that 2010 would be the best year ever.

Then it all went wrong. I went in for my 36 week scan to find out that our son had no heartbeat. We had to break this news to our family and friends. I gave birth to my son but would never get to hear him cry or see him smile. We grieved. We had to deal with the business of the death of our infant son. I had to go to the registrars office to register his birth. I brought home his death certificate. We grieved. We had him cremated and had to pick up his ashes from the crematorium. We had his ashes blessed, and then we scattered them in a very beautiful place. Some of our family members were supportive, and some were not. We got the post mortem results. We grieved some more. We decided to celebrate Christmas  and we survived.

We are still surrounded by a fabulous group of friends and to them I am eternally grateful. Our family is in the US and without our friends being here to support us I'm not sure we would have made it. 

What started off as possibly the best year ever, turned into the worst year of my life. I've been through some things before, but nothing like this. Nothing ever prepares you for what it is like to lose a child. I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster that I can't get off. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that I hope to never have to experience again. It's exhausting.

Now that 2010 is coming to and end I am relieved. It has been a rough year and looking back I'm not sure how I survived it. I can only hope that things get better in 2011. So goodbye 2010,,, I am glad to see you go.

We have landed.

It's nice to be back at my parent's house, the house I grew up in. I always feel safe here.

The flight went much better than I had anticipated. I was quite worried about bringing our son's ashes through security. My husband volunteered to be the one to let them know what we were bringing along as I still struggle with verbalizing things like, "my son's ashes are in this bag." I have to say that the people working at the airport could not have been more wonderful. The security person quietly whispered to the x-ray person about what we were carrying and it was all handled smoothly. I also was pleased that I held it together during the trip. There was only one time when thoughts of what the trip was meant to be crept into my thoughts, but I was able to hold it together and didn't even cry all the way. This is a huge accomplishment in my book.

I should be packing right now.

I really should be packing. We are flying home to see the family for the first time since losing our son in August. This was going to be the first visit home for him to meet his grandparents and extended family. But instead of bringing home a happy baby, we are bringing home his ashes in a tiny plastic urn. Instead of being held by his loving parents, his ashes will be scattered in a beautiful place that we both love. It is not fair and I do not want to have to be doing any of this. So this is why I am not packing yet. Because once I start packing I have to face the reality that I am only packing for 2 and not for 3.