What On The Hubby's Mind

Today my amazing and fabulous husband posted his feelings about our daughter's upcoming birth on his facebook page. I am 36 weeks pregnant and we are one week away from her delivery date. Frostina has officially outlived her brother now, a fact that is both joyful and bittersweet. We're thrilled for her and yet so desperately sad that things didn't work out for him.

Reading his words today touched me so much for so many reasons. I am removing the names and sharing it with all of you because I think it's such an important reminder that husbands lose babies too. So much focus is on the women and how we're doing. People want to know how we're coping and often the men are pushed aside and forgotten.

We should never forget that men grieve as much as we do. They feel the loss just as much as we do. There is a club of Baby Loss Dads out there who deserve as much support and love as we Baby Loss Moms get. So without any further chatter from me. Here's what was on The Hubby's mind today.

What's on my mind.....1 thing....1 WEEK TO GO!!! After more than 10 years trying, disappointments, medical opinions from LA to SF to London and Washington, to the ultimate joy of my wife getting pregnant on xmas eve 2009 and then the ultimate loss of our son, through this 2 year journey of grief followed by new hope........we are down to 1 WEEK.....to meet and hold our little girl.

One Heartbeat!

Today was our first ultrasound and we have a heartbeat!!



As I wrote yesterday, I was freaking out about this scan. Freaking out a lot! I was up until 2am because I couldn't sleep. So to see that heartbeat was such a relief.

The hubby and I were both nervous wrecks today. You could see the nervousness on our faces as we waited for my name to be called. Once we were called in and the scan began it got even worse. I could barely breathe as the nurse slipped Mr Wandy (who was wearing his rubber glove again) in to take a look.

Immediately I saw something, and told myself that was good. A let out a little breath at that point. The nurse then showed us around. I didn't really hear anything until she said, "And there's the heartbeat." At this point I started crying and shaking so then she couldn't see anything until I held still again. She checked out the blood flow and all the rest of the stuff and told us all looks well.

The hubby had been squeezing my hand the whole time and it's at this point that I realized his hand was shaking. He was crying too, which made me cry even harder. So there we were, both crying hysterically in the ultrasound room. Only this time they were happy tears. Such a difference from the last ultrasound we had.

So I'm officially 7 weeks pregnant. Estimated due date June 30th 2012 which seems like a lifetime from now.

I just hope and pray that this baby decides to stay for the long haul and is able to come home with us in June. I also hope that the hubby and I don't have nervous breakdowns during this pregnancy!

Operation Distraction

I am back from the lovely US of A. Even though we didn't go to Washington DC as tourists, we did catch a few sights while we were there. Tomorrow evening we're off again, this time to Barcelona. The hubby has to go for work and I've decided to tag along. I will be spending quite a bit of time on my own since he will be pretty busy, but it beats being home alone, especially this week.

Our tourist excursions in DC and the week in Barcelona are all part of "Operation Distraction." You see, in addition to being officially in my 2 week wait from our donor egg IVF cycle it is also only one week until our son's first birthday. It's a lot to deal with all at one time so the idea is to keep me busy so I won't have lots of time on my own to dwell on things. I'm not trying to deny either event or it's significance and will give each it's due focus and respect of course. But the less time alone sitting on my couch I have to obsess, the better.

The timing of these two things couldn't be more bittersweet for me. On the one hand I'm super excited to think that this cycle could work and I could be pregnant again. On the other hand I'm super sad to think that it's been almost one full year without my precious baby boy. When we began this cycle it never even occurred to me that we would be waiting on results right around the 13th which is his day.

In fact, I felt a huge sigh of relief when I found out that my beta test won't be until the 17th of August. I'm not sure I would want to be having my pregnancy test results back before or on his birthday. I'm not going to cheat and pee on a stick before the 13th either. I want his birthday to be all about him, not about joy or sorrow over pregnancy test results.

As I mentioned before, we will be releasing a balloon to honor our son's memory. We will do ours privately but will be inviting family and close friends to release their own as well. Sometime this week I've got to draft that email letting people know our plans and inviting them to participate, but first things first.

So today it's a rush of laundry and re-adjusting to UK time. Tomorrow night I will be tucked into my bed at the hotel in Barcelona. I will of course be taking it easy to give that little embryo time to snuggle in for the long haul. I figure it's just as beneficial to lay on a lounge chair by the pool as it is to lay on my couch. Plus I won't be having to do any housework or dishes while I'm in Barcelona so really I'm going to be taking it easier than if I'd stayed home, right?

Operation Distraction is in full swing. Here's hoping it helps pass the time!

Embryo On Board

Today we transferred one grade AA blastocyst. I need to go read up on the different categories but according to my doctor this is good. There are two other embryos that may be eligible for freezing, they will let us know in a day or two about that. But I'm hoping we won't need the frozen ones, I am hoping this one is a keeper.

The hubby and I have talked a lot about how many embryos to transfer. Ultimately we decided that if we had one perfect embryo then that's all we would transfer. The reason is because multiple pregnancies are higher risk. Any pregnancy of mine is already going to be high risk because of the placental issue that caused my son to die at 36 weeks. Add that factor (even though they say it was a fluke and not likely to happen again) to a multiple pregnancy and you're talking super high risk. I know first hand that bad things can happen even in perfect uneventful pregnancies, but we want to try and lower our risk of future losses if possible. Mentally we need to have the lowest risk pregnancy possible. So we're happy with our decision to only transfer one today.

I've been a ball of stress for a couple of days now. I think that somehow when you try not to think about something or stress about something it makes you think about that thing and stress about it even more. At least that's how it works for me. So I was just a bit grumpy and not so pleasant to be around on the ride over. We got to the office with my semi-full bladder and waited. Good thing I wasn't bursting for a pee because we waited about a half an hour after our scheduled time before we finally were called in.

I got up on this table and assumed the position. Giddy up! I've missed those stirrups. In the UK most clinics don't have them and you just have to put your feet on the table and open your knees. We had come into the room using one door and there was another door on the other side of the room. It reminded me of when you go to the vet's office (random thought I know). The doctor comes in the door we used and gets everything ready. Then the embryologist comes in from the other door. That's the door to the lab, where my embryos are. She confirms my identity and the fact that we're only transferring one embryo. Then she leaves.

Once we're all ready the nurse goes back in the lab door and says we're ready. Back comes the embryologist with a long skinny metal thing that is holding our embryo. The procedure itself was not painful at all. It hurt even less than my IUI. It is all over quickly. That is until when they check the skinny metal tube they discover that my stubborn little embryo is still hiding in there. So back into the position I go and they have to do it all over again. This time as we're watching the ultrasound we all see the little thing go in. Well we see something that looks like a worm or line and the nurse who can read ultrasounds tells us that's our embryo going in. Tube checked and the embryo was no longer in it. Second time was the charm I guess.

I'm now on bedrest for the next 24 hours and have to take it easy for a couple more days after that. I'm feeling tired and a bit crampy. I think the crampy is from the procedure today and the tired is a combination of jet lag and the stress leaving my body. So I guess we won't be doing as many of the touristy things in Washington DC like I'd hoped. But that's OK with me. We didn't come here for that. Although we will be going to a baseball game on Friday night.

It's weird to think that there is a little embryo floating around inside me. For the first time in almost a year I have to worry about what I eat and drink again. I need to eat healthy and give up wine not because I'm on some kind of diet or health kick, but because I'm trying to grow a baby in here.

I know that what happens from this point on is mostly out of my hands. I suppose this is where the "faith" part of taking a leap of faith is all about. As George Michael says, "Because I gotta have faith, oh I gotta have faith."

Our First Donor Update

Today I got the first update on how our donor is doing. According to the clinic she is doing well and we are all on track. She will have another scan on Friday so we will get another update then. I have a scan on Friday as well so hopefully both updates will be good ones.

Once I finished reading the email I was hit with this overwhelming wave of emotion. I've been doing my best to compartmentalize what we're doing.

I've been taking things in small steps.

1. First I inject with lupron. 
2. Then I have a scan. 
3. Scan is good. 
4. I start injecting with del estrogen. 
5. I have my next scan.

Thinking about the task at hand. Avoiding thinking about the big picture. But today it all hit me. This is getting very real.

The hubby is trying to remind me that we need to take it step by step. We are sharing our donor and so there is always a chance that the cycle could be cancelled if there aren't enough eggs to go around. He is doing his best to keep me calm and not get ahead of myself.

But I can't help it. Blame it on the hormones rushing through my body, or blame it on optimism,,, but I'm starting to think that this cycle will go ahead as planned. And it's all a bit overwhelming.

It's also amazing to think that there is a woman who lives in a different country than I do. A woman who has never met me. A woman who is willing to inject herself with hormones, and do scans, and have an egg retrieval. A woman who is doing all of this so that a stranger can have a baby.

There is a woman who went in for a scan today in order to donate her eggs to me. I know I will never meet her, but to me she is an angel. What an amazing gift that she is willing to offer.

All for a stranger.

That's all for now. I will post more as it happens.

A Brief Cycle Update

Well I'm one week into my donor egg cycle and figured I'd give you all an update.

I don't think it's hit me yet. I mean I'm off the birth control pills and I'm injecting myself everyday,,, but I don't think it's really sinking in.

What we're doing here.

The hugeness of it all.

We're going to be making a baby with a donor egg and my husband's sperm. That embryo will be implanted into me where it will hopefully grow into a living breathing baby. One that we get to take home with us in a car seat.

It's huge, right?

But so far I am feeling like my normal self but with a schedule of injections and scans.

My first scan is tomorrow morning. If all goes well then I will be told to stop injecting the lupron and start injecting the Del estrogen. I am not super excited about that because that one has to be injected into the muscle which is much more scary than the ones that go into your tummy. But I've been doing jabs all week and it hasn't been too scary. So maybe this time around the muscle ones will be easier?

Even better, I will be doing them at night which means I can have wine for assistance!!! I had to do the lupron in the mornings so no wine. As much as I do love a good bottle glass of wine, even I couldn't figure out a way to justify a glass of wine at 8:30 every morning. But 8:30 at night,,,, well that's not an issue!!!

Perhaps I was expecting to be more nervous? Perhaps I was expecting to feel more hormonal? Or perhaps it's just early in the cycle and all the hormones haven't kicked in yet. Only time will tell.

On a lighter note..... Vacation prep update. You know you all do it!
Yes, even in the midst of grieving or getting ready for an IVF cycle I'm still just a little bit vain. Every trip requires a bit of prep, especially if said trip includes me in a bathing suit.

So here's where I'm at with that. I've been tanning, gotten a pedicure, and had a bikini wax.

So I'm just a cute new outfit or two away from being ready for Spain!!

3 more days!!

Are We Ready For This?

Tomorrow is the big day. I start my first lupron injection and my donor egg cycle is officially a go. It's exciting and scary and a bunch of other things too. And it's happening,,,,, now. Not some day in the future,,,,, but now. It's not just a concept anymore, it's a reality. Last night before falling asleep I found myself wondering if we're ready for all of this?

On the one hand I can't wait to get started. On the other hand I know this means we're diving head first into uncharted territory.

Putting ourselves back out there. 

To that scary place where we will be vulnerable again. 

Where we cannot protect ourselves from failure, or success,,, or another loss. 

• Are we ready for all of this? Who knows. 
• Is there ever going to be a day when our feelings won't be so raw and vulnerable? Probably not. 
• Are we in a place where we could handle another pregnancy??  I hope so. 
• Are we in a place where we could handle another pregnancy loss? I have no idea. 

All I know is that we want more than anything to have a living, breathing, take-home baby.

• One who we can watch grow up and that can smile cheekily in family photos. 
• One who is noisy, and messy, and demanding of our time. 
• One who makes a huge wail when he or she is born. 
• One who's eyes we get to see looking up at us. 
• One who's hair will grow long enough that we know what color it is. 
• A baby who can be a living part of our family, not just a memory. 
• We want a baby we can hold in our arms and not just in our hearts.

All I know is that in order to have our take home baby we have to put ourselves out there.

At risk. 

Where the very best things can happen. 

Where the very worst things can happen. 

Are we ready for all of this? I suppose we're as ready as we'll ever be. We are cautiously optimistic and praying for a positive outcome. In the end I guess that's the best that we can be right now.

We Have Dates!

We have our dates for our upcoming Donor Egg IVF cycle. Wow! It's all getting very real very quick!

It was crazy stressful for a while there because the clinic was trying to email me the info during the move when the only Internet connection I had was via my smart phone. I couldn't open all the attachments and was getting panicky. But thankfully they were very understanding and sent me a synopsis in the body of an email so I could read it. It was a huge relief!

So here's how it looks. I start my first injections on the 30th of June. In the meantime I am still on the birth control pill. I've been on it for about 7 weeks straight with no break. The good part is no period, but the bad part is perpetual PMS symptoms. I'm a crabby bitchy mess. I walk around the streets of London dying to punch someone. This is not the normal me, and I'm hoping that once I go off the pill (on the 2nd of July) I will have my period and the irritability will pass.

Then I become a human pincushion for the next month. Jabs of this, and jabs of that. Some in my stomach, some in my thigh. I must stock up on wine to help get me through this bit.

I've got a couple of scans along the way to see how I'm responding. The donor begins her medications in mid-July and the expected transfer day will be in very early August!!!

Here we go! I can't wait to get started..... well except for the whole needle bit!

*Photo by Photos8.com

Too Many Balls in The Air

Seriously! Could I just get one thing settled please???

I have too much going on right now and it's driving me absolutely nuts.

Here are the balls I'm juggling at the moment.

1. Grieving my son (this one is a biggie).
2. Having to move to a new flat.
3. Our upcoming Egg Donor IVF cycle.
4. Planning a trip home to see the family.
5. My hubby's potential new job role.
6. All the rest of normal life stuff.

Here's where I sit with all of them.

1. Grief- well that's an ongoing one which I don't expect to be settled anytime soon.
2. Moving- I swear this one is going to be the death of me. I thought we had it all sorted and now it appears it may all fall through. There are some terms on the lease that we are having trouble agreeing to. I thought this one was all settled,,,,,, but it's not. I have tons to do to prepare for this move. But I can't do any of it until we are sure where we're going and when. We have to be out of this place in early July so I'm starting to panic slightly. 
3. The cycle- this one is moving forward well. We have been checking the database and hope to find our perfect donor soon. Thanks for all the advice I got on this one. The big thing up in the air with this one is the dates. You see, we can't make other plans until we know exactly when this will all happen. So  we're in this crazy limbo where we want to make plans but we can't. I hate limbo. 
4. Trip home- was planned for late July, but may have to be pushed back if we are in the middle of our donor egg cycle. Or not if we're not. I need to book tickets in advance in order to avoid paying a fortune, but I can't. And it's driving me crazy.
5. Hubby's job- no he's not changing companies or anything. But he may be given a slightly bigger role than he currently has. If he gets it then it will involve more travel, but to some pretty cool places that I can tag along to. This is good news, but it adds stress. It hasn't officially happened yet,,,, but it might,,, or it might not. So for now it's just another ball to juggle. 
6. Normal life- well let's see, there is no food in the house. I haven't worked out in weeks. My house is a complete mess. I have a million things on my to do list. So pretty  much I've dropped this ball already.

So pretty much my whole life is in limbo right now. I am not a very good juggler and at times I feel like throwing all the balls on the floor and screaming until someone else picks them up.

Ugh!

Can we just get one thing settled???

Please???

We Have Access!

Yesterday I was given live access to the egg donor database!

It's pretty comprehensive considering we're going the anonymous donor route. I can see some photos of them as a child, their vital statistics, their complete medical history, and a bunch of other stuff too.

Wow, wow, wow, this is really going to happen!

I am now "shopping" for an egg donor. It seems like such a strange concept. How in the world do I even begin?

Do I try and find a donor who looks like she could be related to me?
Do I pick based on what subjects in school she says she was good at?
Do I pick based on medical history (although to be fair, they all have pretty good medical histories)?
Do I pick based on the personal essay?
What happens if the hubby and I can't agree on someone?

It's a huge decision. As much as I'm in a hurry to get started, I also don't want to rush and make the wrong choice.

So if there are any of you who have been through this, or know someone who has,,,, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks!

Hooray!! We Will Not Be Homeless!

After months of looking we have finally found a new place to live. What a huge relief!!

When we found out back in March that we were going to have to move I wasn't worried. We had until July to find a new place which I thought would be plenty of time. As it turned out, this house hunt was not nearly as easy and stress free as when we first moved to London. It got to a point where I was starting to worry that we may end up homeless. I'm sure all the hormones I'm taking for my mock cycle didn't help my stress level either.

I finally connected with a relocation woman who showed me a bunch of places and guess what? We found something!! HOORAY!!

It's still in the same part of London we're in now, albeit a bit farther away from the high street. It's also bigger than this place and has a much bigger garden (backyard for you Americans). It even has a garage which is practically unheard of here in London. Not that we have a car at the moment, but I'm overjoyed to actually have a place to store all my junk!

We have a move in date of June 10th which gives me less than a month to get ready for the big move. Even though moving is a huge pain in the ass, I'm so happy to have one less thing to worry about.

Plus this means we will be all moved into our new place before we start our donor egg IVF cycle. So I won't have to worry about moving when I'm (possibly, hopefully, please let me be) pregnant.

I Have Great Lining

I never thought I'd be so excited to announce that I have great uterine lining!!! But I do, and I am.

I have finished doing all the injections for my mock cycle. There were 5 in total, each one as scary as the next. They got slightly easier each time but I'm by no means an old pro yet. I had to go in on Monday to have a scan to check my lining and blood levels. I am pleased to say that I passed both tests with flying colors.

I've always been good at taking tests!

Woo Hoo!!

So now I've got to take a pill each day for 5 days and then wait for my period. Then I'm being put on birth control pills until we start the real thing. It's funny how they put you on birth control pills as part of a treatment to try and get you pregnant.

We had our required counseling session today. It's part of the process when doing egg donation and I completely understand why they do it. They want to make sure you have thought the whole process through before you get started. The counselor was very nice and actually brought up some good points about how and when to tell any future child about where they came from. We have always planned to tell our future children (if we are so lucky as to have them) about the fact that they were conceived using a donor egg. I personally don't think there's any reason to hide the information. It's part of their story and they deserve to know. It's also the kind of thing that if kept hidden but somehow came out, could shatter lives. And I would never want to do anything like that to my child.

So now that we are done with all the preliminary testing I believe we will be given access to the donor database very soon!!

Wow!! It's all so very exciting.

Countdown to My Mock Cycle

So according to the app on my phone (see how up I am on the latest technology, and yes they have an app to track your periods and ovulation dates), I've only got a few more days until my next period. Which means in a few short days I will be starting my mock cycle.

And we all know what that means.......

That's right boys and girls. Mock cycle means I have to start injecting myself with these lovely syringes and super long needles. Yay! (note sarcasm)

I've sent a frantic email to my nurse coordinator just to make sure I've got the timeline right in my head. First jab is on day 2 or 3 of my cycle. I have to inject myself every 3 days and then have a scan at some point to see how my lining is. I'm unsure about when the scan is, hence the frantic email to the nurse. If my lining is good then the test is over and I have to take some pills for 5 days and then I'm done.

If all that goes well then I will be given live access to the donor database and I can start looking for my egg donor!!

Well actually, I've still got a bunch of blood tests to do and a counselling session to complete. But I'm assuming that I will have all that done in the next month.

But in my head this is all becoming very real.

And very exciting.

And very scary,,,, especially the needle part.

The London Marathon

Today was the London Marathon. I volunteered to help cheer on the team running for Great Ormond Street Hospital. For those of you who don't already know, Great Ormond Street is an amazing children's hospital here in London. So when I found out they needed people to help cheer their runners, I jumped at the chance.

They gave us these bright purple T-Shirts to wear. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead in a bright purple T-Shirt, but for today I made an exception.

We got these purple inflatable noisemakers to help cheer the runners on. They were actually a lot louder than they look.

Every time we saw a runner wearing these tops we cheered like crazy!

It was an amazing day. We cheered for wheelchair racers, racers with prosthetic limbs, and even racers wearing some crazy costumes.

Oh, and we also cheered for my friends husband who was running for a different charity. 

I felt inspired! But not inspired enough to run a marathon,,,,, I'm not that crazy!

This post is my way of participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays even though I'm a day late.

Happy List

Once again I'm participating in Natasha's Happy List Saturdays. I've taken a few weeks off because sometimes it's hard to come up with happy things. But not this week. So here goes.

1. My bag-o-meds. I'm not at all happy about having to inject myself (I haven't gone totally crazy). But I'm happy that we have a plan. This bag represents a path forward, hope, and optimism. I do wish that our plan didn't involve needles, but hey,,,, I've been through much worse.

2. Clear tubes. I can't believe I'm posting this photo a second time. But they mean we can move forward with our egg donation + IVF cycle. And that's a good thing.

3. Sunny days. Please note that this photo was taken on a holiday to Dubai last year,,, this is not London. But a sunny day in London makes me feel like I'm on holiday. And holidays make me happy.

4. Wine with friends. Such a nice way to spend an evening. And some macaroons if you've got them. Again, this photo was taken on a weekend away in France. I think the fact that I'm digging out old holiday photos means I need to plan another one soon.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

On The Road

We're going back to the US for our appointment with the clinic where we are going to do our egg donation. I'm excited but nervous. I'm also a bit miffed about the difference between what women have to endure vs what men do when it comes to assisted fertility. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a man.

I have to get some kind of mock transfer thing where they "map my uterus." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't completely awkward and uncomfortable. The hubby on the other hand has to provide a "sample." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't at least slightly enjoyable for him.

So basically, I leave the office feeling violated and probed and he leaves with a smile on his face. Life really isn't fair is it????

I've got my list of questions ready and am hoping to make the final decision as to whether we share our donor with one person or two. The cost goes down if you share and we can't afford to have our own donor. Plus I've got some questions about how the whole anonymous donor thing works if at some point in the future the child (so getting ahead of myself here) has questions about the egg donor.

We are going to spend the rest of the weekend in the US as tourists. Which really means I get to go to Target and we get to eat all the fattening US food that we can't get in the UK. I think of it as food tourism. Perhaps I will do a post dedicated solely to what we ate on our trip???

Yikes! We're really doing this!!!