Shields Up

This pregnancy I have become a master at defense mechanisms. Not by choice really, but it seems to be my standard operating mode- Full Shields Up.

I spent the entire pregnancy with Frostina being scared. Petrified would be a better word. I was sure that at any moment it would all go wrong again. I fretted and cried and fretted some more. I made myself miserable with stress and fear and worry. I'm not upset at myself about it because it was the only way I knew how to be pregnant after a loss. It was my standard operating mode.

This time around things are very different. For one thing, I have Frostina to chase around. Plus there's the international move, trying to find a new house, and getting my new life sorted here in Florida. I am busy and have much less time to sit around being scared.

But it's more than that I think. I think this time around I just can't be fearful the entire time. I can't be worried all the time that this baby will die. I barely survived a fear-filled pregnancy and I think I just can't do it again. So my smart little brain has figured out how to put the walls up and help me to focus on the rest of my life, not just the pregnancy. I have no idea how it happened or how long it will last. I may wake up tomorrow and feel completely different,,, and that's ok,,, but for now this is how I feel and what seems to be working for me.

A bit of the old me has crept back in. The old me that stayed away from sad and scary stories. The old me that truly believed that ignorance in some cases is bliss. The old me that actually allows myself to believe that being pregnant means you will be coming home with a living baby in the end. I'm not as foolish as the old me though. I do know that avoiding bad thoughts and stories doesn't protect you from having them happen. This time I am choosing to focus on the positive as opposed to hiding from the negative.

I have found myself shying away from many of my old haunts here in the internet. I am no longer drawn to every sad story of women who like me have lost children. Not because I don't care about them or don't relate anymore,,,, because I still do. But more because I don't need to connect to the pain of others the way I used to. There was a time when I craved that kind of affirmation, to know I wasn't alone. But now it all feels a bit too much, a bit too indulgent, a bit like I need to spend my time focusing on my life as it is now.

Trust me, this is not a happy, I'm over it now post. I'm so not over it. But I can't dwell on it like I used to. I can't let it consume me day in and day out. I have to do things like paint Baby Olea's room in the new house and go through Frostina's old clothes to see how many are suitable for the sunny Florida climate.

I have to move forward and live my life. And for now that means not dwelling so much on the past. Never forgetting my beloved son of course, but perhaps filing things away. Away behind the defensive walls, behind the shields. The way you put important things away in a very safe place you know you can revisit when you need to. Put away for safe keeping as opposed to being put in a frame sitting in your front room.

A Diagnosis, After All This Time

When my son died and was born they performed an autopsy. When the report came back the results were somewhat inconclusive, you can read about all that here if you want. It's painful for me to click back there and read just how broken I was back then, but I digress.

Anyway, the report basically said that the placenta failed. It was attacked by an infection or virus of unknown origin. My son was tested and I was tested and no infection or virus was ever found. The conclusion at the time was that it was a fluke and not something that could happen again.

I entered my pregnancy with Frostina with LOTS of fear and trepidation. I was worried that something would go wrong again, because that was all I knew. But I didn't worry that the exact same thing could happen, because I had been told specifically that it wouldn't.

So you will imagine my surprise when the exact same thing did happen, only this time the outcome wasn't fatal. You can read all the details here if you like. In a nutshell, Frostina's placenta had degraded as well and her fluid level was very very low on delivery day. My doctor surmised that the "infection or virus" was in fact an auto immune response by my body to the pregnancy. In essence, my body attacks pregnancies like they are an unwanted foreign body.

It was quite a bitter pill to swallow, to know that my body killed my son and was trying to kill my daughter. But at least the mystery was finally solved. At least I knew it wasn't just a fluke. It was a real thing that I could watch out for and hopefully prevent in future pregnancies.

I relayed all of this "history" to my new and super awesome perinatologist who I met with last week. If you're scratching your head at this point, I apologize for not writing about all of this before but life has been super crazy around here. Anyway, when I mentioned the auto immune part to him he ordered a bunch of tests to see if we could identify what it was. Some pretty scary test names were rattled off including lupus which really freaked me out.

Yesterday I got a call from the doctor himself, so I knew it wasn't an "all clear" call because those are normally made by the nurses in the office. It turns out that I don't have any of the super scary auto immune disorders like lupus which is a huge relief. But I did have one test that came back positive. I won't put the name of it here because it has a super medical name and even when you try to google it you don't get a good definition. Plus I try to steer away from all the medical lingo here on the blog because I'm no doctor and I don't want people looking for real medical advice to be directed here.

The way the doctor explained it to me, this particular antibody that I have can cause increased clotting. My levels aren't super high so it hasn't caused any clotting for me, but the blood vessels that feed the placenta are very small. He explained that it's possible that these antibodies could have caused tiny clots in the placenta that would have impeded blood flow and may very well be the cause of the death of my son and the issues with Frostina's last week in-utero. Of course he says he can't be 100% sure, but he thinks it's more likely than not.

So starting today I have to take a small dose of heparin (which is a blood thinner) each day. It's an injection which I had really hoped I was all done with, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure Baby Olea arrives alive and healthy. As the doctor was telling me about the injections I could tell he was worried that I was afraid of doing them. I reminded him that I had done all of my own IVF injections and if I can do a progesterone in oil jab with a 1 inch needle into my thigh each day, I can certainly do a tiny one in my belly. He laughed and joked that I'm an expert which sadly I am.

So later on this morning I'm off to my new pharmacy to pick up my new set of needles and medication. That's what I get for bragging that I was finally all done injecting myself this pregnancy. I am happy that we have a plan to help keep Baby Olea safe, and I am very impressed with my perinatologist.

After all this time I have an official diagnosis for what caused my son to die. It feels strange. On the one hand it's nice to know finally what happened. But on the other hand it's sad to have confirmation that it's my fault. That for some reason, my body contains antibodies that attack pregnancies. But in the end, it's good to know. It's good to have a diagnosis.

It's too bad a diagnosis can't go back and re-write history.

A Fresh Start

In preparation for our big move back to the USA we have been de-cluttering. Going through drawers and dark cupboards throwing away all the things we saved thinking we would want someday. I am amazed at how much clutter a family of 3 can manage to collect.

It can be very freeing to get rid of old stuff. I think we tend to collect it because it feels comfortable and sometimes a clean sweep is just what we need. I love the look of a newly cleaned shelf (with lots of space to buy new stuff to shove there someday). It somehow feels like a fresh start.

All was going well until I stumbled across my trusty Bag O Meds. If you've even done any kind of fertility treatment you will be familiar with this, in fact you may have one of your own. Its the bag you put all your various medications and needles in when you're in the middle of treatment.

I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but getting rid of this bag before I have another healthy baby in the house is hard for me. It almost feels arrogant to assume that just because I'm 22 weeks pregnant that all will be well and I will never need to inject myself with another vial of progesterone in oil again. Obviously that is the dream, but I know all too well that pregnancy can go wrong at any time.

So what to do with the bag and it's contents? US customs and immigration rules are very strict these days. You can't even bring food into the country in your shipment due to new bio-terrorism laws. I'm sure they would make exceptions for medicine, but do I really want to take a chance that our whole shipment will be held up in customs just for a superstition? I could carry it on the plane with me as I have done so many times before when I was in treatment, but with all the other luggage we will have it seems impractical.

When I asked The Hubby for advice he shrugged and said to dump it. He seemed confused at my hesitation. I then reminded him that I didn't get rid of the lupron left over from Frostina's IVF cycle until after she was home from the hospital. In fact, when I dug Bag O Meds out from the garage to stuff it full of medication for the cycle we just did with Baby Olea it still had progesterone and del estrogen bottles in it, expired of course.

So getting rid of it all; the needles, and the alcohol swabs, and the cotton balls, and the bandaids, and the vials of medication, and the injection schedule I got from the clinic; getting rid of it all before Baby Olea is with us is a tough one for me. Because I would rather hold onto it (just in case she says in a whisper).

But holding onto this particular bag in this particular set of circumstances just isn't practical. So I took a deep breath, grabbed a trash bag, and got to work emptying the bag. It was easy and it was hard.

I'd like to say that when it was done I felt more free. That I was happy to have a clean sweep and a fresh start. In reality I have anxiety about it. It's silly I know. If the retention of specific objects could keep babies alive then none of would ever find ourselves in the Baby Loss Mom's Club in the first place. But I found comfort in the ritual.

So now I've just got to move on and try to enjoy my fresh start.

When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.

I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.

I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.

Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).

I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.

Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.

So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.

I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.

I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."

Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.

Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.

*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.

The Pregnancy **After** The Pregnancy After Loss

A lot is written about pregnancy loss and almost as much is written about pregnancy after a loss. I've done quite a bit of writing about it here and on various other pregnancy loss blogs, grief blogs, and on BlogHer about this very subject and I've done a bunch of reading on the topic as well. I suppose you could say I've become a bit of an expert on the subject. Not that this a subject that anyone wants to know intimately, but sadly that's how things have happened for me.

We hear about the shock and horror of the initial loss and the complete and utter devastation it leaves in it wake. We cheer for these women as they struggle to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and put the pieces back together.

We read about their subsequent pregnancies with trepidation. We leave encouraging comments for them and wish them all the best. We wait with anticipation for them to be blessed with their rainbow babies. Those amazing and precious babies that come after a loss. We are so relieved for them when we know that they have finally had their "happy ending."

But what about the pregnancy after that?

I've just begun to navigate my way through the pregnancy after the pregnancy after loss. I wasn't expecting it to feel any different than my previous pregnancy, but it does. Last time around my experience was that every time I get pregnant, my baby dies at 36 weeks. I had no other alternative in my head. My only experience of pregnancy was of tragedy and loss.

I now know what it feels like to have experienced both sides of the coin. One pregnancy where my baby died and my life was shattered. Another pregnancy where my baby was born alive and healthy. One ride home from hospital with empty arms crying into my husbands chest. And another pregnancy where I rode home with my beautiful daughter and struggled to figure out how to get the car seat to latch into the car.

Last pregnancy I was "sure" that things would go wrong. This time I'm more hopeful. I'm less fearful. I'm able to think ahead and start looking for double buggies (strollers). Not to buy one of course, because that would be tempting fate. But at least I've allowed myself to do the research. You have no idea what a big step that is. If you've been around for a while you will remember that I didn't allow anything in my house for Frostina until after she was born.

It's not all goodness and light though. I certainly haven't reverted back to the person I was during my first pregnancy. The person who just knew that once I had my 12 week scan and all was well that I was for sure going to be bringing home a healthy baby in the end. I know all too well that there are no guarantees in life.

I know full well that even if you are a Baby Loss Mom, you don't get a free pass for all future pregnancies. One of my fellow BLM's just had her baby after her rainbow baby and it was not all smooth sailing. She had some complications right near the end that nearly resulted in another terrible loss. If it weren't for her absolute insistence that something wasn't right, and her brilliant doctor who followed her gut, things may have ended badly. Thankfully, all is well and she was able to take her beautiful daughter home with her.

I have a 50/50 history with pregnancies, which is much better than the 100% fail rate I had last time. I know those odds still look pretty grim to those of you who don't live in a world where babies die. But from where I'm sitting they offer hope. I have now lived the happy ending, and I want it again. More importantly, I believe I can have it again. That's a huge mind set change from last time around.

I have no idea if I will feel this way throughout this pregnancy. It's entirely possible that as Baby Oleo's due date approaches, all the old fears and paranoia will return. All I know is that this pregnancy is different than the last one, and I feel differently about it. It will be interesting to reflect on just how different it is as time goes on.

Have any of you been through this? If so, how did you feel during your pregnancy and how was it different than the one before? Oh, and what do you call the baby after your rainbow baby? Are they a rainbow baby as well?

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

The Heart Says Yes, The Head Procrastinates

We finally came to the decision to try for another baby. It's not an easy decision by any means. It took lots of soul searching and listening to my heart, which finally said yes.

So that's it, right? Well maybe not. You see, I'm mostly a logic driven person so listening to my heart is not something that comes easy. Once I was done listening to my heart, my head had to kick back in to work out all the details. After all, we can't just go off birth control and see what happens.

*Insert me laughing hysterically. "Come off birth control? I haven't been on birth control in 10 years. If I was going to accidentally get knocked up it surely would have happened by now!"

No, this trying again will involve doctors and egg donors and flying halfway across the world for treatment. This trying again will be expensive and stressful. This trying again will be a concerted effort on my part. So that's where my head has to step in.

And my head still has fears.

Shortly after making the decision I sent an email to our US based clinic to get the ball rolling. I asked if our donor was still available and also about pricing changes. The reply came quickly. No our donor is not available anymore (so sad about this) and no the prices have not changed much. I just need to give them the go ahead and they will set the process in motion.

So did I reply immediately to get things started? Of course I didn't. Instead I found a million and one reasons not to reply to the email. First I told myself that we should have all the money in place first. Then I told myself that I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow turned into tomorrow and so on. Until over a month had passed.

The Hubby asked me last night when I was going to send a reply to the clinic. I told him I would, and I finally did. Today I sent an email with a few follow up questions and told them we're ready to start the process. I'm not sure what my head was thinking, but it's time it stopped procrastinating and got a move on. After all, we all know that any IVF cycle, especially one using an egg donor, takes forever to get rolling.

And I'm certainly not getting any younger.

The Heart Says Yes

A while back I wrote about my struggle to figure out if I'm brave enough to try for another baby. Am I strong enough to put myself, and The Hubby, back to into such a vulnerable place?

A place where we could be blessed with another living child. A place where we could also have another loss. A place where we have to have faith and patience. A place where we have to be optimistic in the face of fear.

We have been there before and have our precious Frostina as a result, but will we have the same happy outcome again?

Being a logical person, it can be difficult for me to stop strategizing and start feeling. As we all know, there is nothing logical about wanting children. It's much more primal than that. We are programmed with the desire to have them, or not to have them.

Do you have 1 child, do you have 2, do you have more than that? These decisions are often more of a gut feeling than anything else. There isn't a formula for the perfect family size. I think you just know when you're there.

As I've stated before, I'm not always good at listening to my gut feelings. So for me, these kinds of decisions take time. I have to stop thinking about it and wait for my heart to speak to me. That's what I've been doing and my heart finally answered loud and clear.

 

The heart says yes.

So,,, Are You Going To Try For Another One?

To try for another baby, that is the question.

It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.

It's the question I don't know how to answer.

Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.

If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.

But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.

Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.

I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.

I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.

And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.

But to do it again? I don't know.

After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.

For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.

Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?

I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.

If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.

So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.

The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.

These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.

Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.

Someone With "My History"

I'm still waiting for answers as to what's going on with my moodiness. I did ask my doctor at my 6 week check up but he was very dismissive. He told me that if I was clinically depressed then I'd be frozen and wouldn't be able to even hold or feed my baby. He said that the mood swings I'm experiencing are completely normal for someone with "my history."

My History: Years of infertility... Finally getting pregnant... A full term stillbirth... Another pregnancy filled with fear and anxiety... The birth of my rainbow baby.

Apparently someone with my history should expect to feel like an emotional wreck? I'm not so sure all of this is normal. My doctor is an amazing doctor and I truly believe that without his vigilance and expertise this pregnancy would likely have ended like my first one. **I have good reason to think this. Have I written about that yet??? I don't think I have but I will soon.

Anyway, while his expertise in all things high risk pregnancy and placentas is amazing, I don't think that emotional issues are his strong suit. So I have a call into a therapist who specializes in pregnancy related issues. I am hoping that a sit down with her will help give me the answers I need.

Maybe the way I'm feeling is totally normal for someone with my history? Maybe it's not? Maybe I just need someone to talk to about it, especially as the two year anniversary of my son's birth creeps up on me?

I'm just wanting some answers so I can figure the best way to snap out of this. Because I really want to be able to enjoy Frostina and be the Mother she deserves without all the self doubt and anxiety.

Maybe I Have Colic Too?

Frostina has colic.

It's not the worst case of colic I've ever heard of, trust me I've heard some stories. But it's distressing nontheless. She cries and screams and just won't settle. Usually it happens around 7 or 8 at night and can continue until midnight. It's not every day, although we have been on a 3 day streak.

I've read all the books and tried a bunch of different things to help calm her. Nothing seems to work except holding her close, walking around, and waiting until she finally wear herself out and falls asleep. By this time, The Hubby and I are also exhausted and we all fall asleep. After an episode of colic she sleeps very well and wakes up the next morning in a great mood. As if the events of the night before never happened.

It's strange watching your happy baby suddenly transform into a unhappy fussy little person. It's frustrating when there's nothing you can really do to fix it for her. We don't know the cause and we really can't fix it until she gets a bit older and grows out of it. Until then we just have to learn how to cope with an unpredictable baby.

I can relate to Frostina's mood swings because I am having them myself.

I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me. Is it normal baby blues? Is it post natal depression? Is my period getting ready to start again and I have PMS? Whatever it is, my hormones are still not settled and as a result I swing from feeling totally happy and in love with my baby to totally exhausted and feeling like I can't handle another night of crying.

I have noticed that my moods have a timetable of their own. I wake up each morning happy and fresh. I feed Frostina with enthusiasm and we enjoy our time in the activity center and swing. We go out for walks and sometimes meet up with friends. The two of us are a happy pair.

As evening comes, something changes. I find myelf feeling tired and riddled with fatigue. Not just physical fatigue, but emotional fatigue. It is at this point where my doubts and insecurities start to kick in. My mind fills with questions and doubts.

Did I do everything right today?
Did I give her enough tummy time?
Did I give her enough stimulation via music and the activity center?
Did I cuddle her enough?
Why didn't I manage to give her a bath today?
Is it ok to let her sleep in her daytime clothes or should I be switching her to pajamas?
Is it bad that I haven't figured out a bedtime routine yet?
Should I be reading books to her?
Am I a good mother?
Am I doing a good job?
Am I doing everything right? - I seem to be obsessed with doing everything right.

Exhausted with this list yet? I know I am.

This list of questions and doubts (and lots more) starts floating around in my head. Am I a good mother? Does the fact that I doubt myself make me a bad mother? Does the fact that sometimes I wish there was someone else who could swoop in when she's crying and make it all better make me a bad mother? Don't get me wrong, The Hubby is amazing and a huge help, but sometimes (especially during her fussy colicky moments) all she wants is me.

As the evening turns into night and these doubts and worries have had a chance to stew in my head I start to get anxious. Anxious that she will be colicky again tonight. Anxious that it's my fault that she's so fussy and won't settle. Worried that she will cry until late in the night and I won't be able to get enough sleep to make it through the next day.

This anxiety and worry exhaust me and I get to the point where all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. Of course, this isn't possible during a night of colic because no one could sleep through the crying. So I often find myself crying right along with her.

The worst part of it all is that I get mad at myself for feeling this way. After all, she is my rainbow baby. When we lost our son I longed for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. I always swore that if I was ever lucky enough to have a rainbow baby I would embrace it all. I swore I would never complain, because a fussy baby is always better than a dead one.

So I beat myself up for being ungrateful. How can I have a moment of unhappiness about Frostina when she alive and here with us?

She's my take home baby. The one I prayed for. The one I wanted more than anything in life. So how can I reconcile the fact that sometimes I just wish I could escape from all the crying? Not ever to escape from her of course, but sometimes I just wish the crying fairy would come in and calm her down and get her to sleep.

Last night I had a talk with The Hubby about my moods. He's a bit worried as well. Neither of us can figure out exactly what it is or how to deal with it. So for now we're taking it day by day and hope that in time it will go away.

That's when I realized that my moods flux just like Frostina's. We both wake up each morning happy as can be and get fussy at night. So that's when it hit me. Maybe I have colic too?

Breastfeeding Woes

I will warn you now, this post is going to be all about breastfeeding and my struggles with it. If you're not in the same place in life as I am you may find this post immensely boring so I'm giving you permission to skip it now.

Still here? OK here goes.

I am no longer breastfeeding Frostina. Yes I know she's only a month old (almost) and that I should try harder and longer and all that stuff. But it just didn't work for me, or for her, so I'm not doing it anymore.

I won't go into all the specifics of my failings but here's a brief summary of the issues.

1. I have what the lactation consultants call "flat nipples." This was news to me but apparently The Hubby already knew this because it's what he first suggested when she wouldn't latch on. Since women don't go around comparing nipples I had no idea mine weren't as "perky" as the norm. 
2. As a result of said flat nipples, it's hard for Frostina to latch on. This resulted in crying and pushing away and lots of anger on her part about not being able to eat.
3. It was also hard for Frostina to latch on because she was so small at birth. The doctors said that at 37 weeks she was considered full term, but at 5 lbs 6 oz she was just tiny and tiny babies sometimes have trouble latching on. 
4. As a result of no latching, my milk supply didn't even begin to come in until about day 6 or 7.
5.  I started doing a bunch of pumping to try and get the milk to come in which worked a bit but I still have a limited supply. 
6. This created a triple threat of issues. Small baby + crappy nipples + low milk supply = big issues with breastfeeding. 
7. We have been feeding her a combination of formula and whatever breast mild I could manage to pump into a bottle. She has no issues eating from bottles but definitely seems to prefer the breast milk. This gave me hope that eventually she would latch on and eat away.
8. At the suggestion of the lactation consultant I started using breast shields.
9. The breast shields worked like a charm,,,,,,, at first. We were breastfeeding! I was super happy to be rid of the pump and be feeding my baby as I had imagined I would be able to do.
10. After about a week on the breast shields Frostina decided that she hated them and the whole breastfeeding thing. She started refusing the breast, with or without the shield. The result was a bunch of kicking and crying and pushing away. Not fun for either of us. 
11. So I finally threw in the towel and have figured out that my baby will be bottle fed. I'll still pump (ugh) so she can have the benefits of breast milk and supplement with formula since I can't seem to make enough of the stuff.

This was not the way I saw things going. I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed. However, Frostina didn't see things the same way. So it's bottles for us. I will still pump and hopefully my supply won't dry up for a while. So Frostina will be a combination fed baby and hopefully she will be as healthy and happy as a baby who's mother was able to breastfeed her.

I feel like a failure... but at least she's happy which I suppose is the most important thing at the end of the day.

First Week Home

Well we have been home for just over a week and life is hectic. I am slowly learning to adjust to a life that is dictated by feeding schedules. Frostina is doing great. She eats every 3-4 hours and does a bit of crying and sleeping in between. She is an absolute doll and I love her more each time I look at her.

She has also been spending a bit of time in her activity center,,, which she loves. It's amazing to me that she can already focus a bit on the brightly colored stuffed toys hanging from it. She also tracks our faces when we talk which gives us a chance to stare into her beautiful blue eyes. They make us melt. I want so badly to put her into her baby bouncer and the baby bjorn carrier but she's still too small for them, so for now it's just the activity center and tummy time and her moses basket.


She is already Daddy's little girl. They spend lots of skin to skin time which is sooooo cute. I can't decide who enjoys the time more, Daddy, Frostina, or me. All I know is that The Hubby is a great Dad and we're both lucky to have him.

I am struggling a bit with the lack of sleep. Part of the problem is that I'm also struggling with breastfeeding. I don't have enough milk and Frostina isn't good at latching on. So it's a continual cycle. As a result I've been pumping to get more milk. I hate the pump!

Because Frostina is still a tiny little thing (just over 5 lbs) we have to worry about her losing too much weight. So at the moment she's getting two bottles. One of expressed breast milk (which I have to pump at every feed), and one of formula. It's a lot of work because basically I'm breastfeeding (well, trying to) and bottle feeding. That's two bottles for every feed plus a pumping session afterwards.

The result is one tired Mommy!! Sleeping in 1-2 hour bursts is not something I'm good at.

Yesterday I had a major meltdown spewing my hatred for the breast pump. I was ready to throw in the towel on the whole breastfeeding thing. I am just frustrated that I've failed so miserably at it so far. I really want to breastfeed but had no idea just how difficult it would be for me. Something needed to change, and fast.

So we came up with a new strategy. I do all of the above for every feed except for the first night feed which is usually around 11pm. That feed The Hubby and my Mom will do without me. So I get almost 6 hours of sleep if all goes well.

We tried this for the first time last night and I already feel like a new woman!! 

I'm sure there's a ton more to update but my brain is mush and I need to hurry up and eat and shower before she wakes up and I'm back on Mommy duty!

*Oh, and The Hubby has expressed an interest in doing a guest post here on the blog so watch out for that.

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, & Two Weeks

For the second year I am participating in a special project for Baby Loss Moms. Angie over at Still Life With Circles has established a link up where we can talk about where we are in our grief right now. I haven't read any of the entries yet because I wanted my thoughts to be unclouded, but when I'm done with this I plan to head on over and read them all. I encourage you to do the same.

I participated last year and when I'm done writing this post I will go back and see where I was a year ago. But I want to get this out first before I take that stroll down memory lane.

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, &  Two Weeks

I'd like to be able to say that I'm all better now. That once you get past the first year that things somehow get easier, but that's not really the case. In lots of ways I still can't believe I made it through the first year. All the anniversaries and milestones, each one more difficult than the last. But somehow, The Hubby and I managed our way through.

We managed our way through what is probably one of the most difficult and painful things a couple can go through with our marriage intact. In fact, I'd say that our marriage is stronger than it ever was, something that I am eternally grateful for. We have learned to communicate in a way that we probably didn't before. We didn't need to know how to share our greatest fears and deepest sorrow before, because our life had not been touched by tragedy. But now it has, and we have figured out a way to come together and ride the storm as one.

This past year has been a busy one. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. This pregnancy has not been easy emotionally. Being pregnant again has brought some of the memories of our son back into my mind. I'm constantly living with flashbacks to when I was pregnant with him, comparisons between this pregnancy and the last, and all the what ifs.

What if I had been more vigilant with him?
What if I had been more closely monitored?
What if they had noticed he wasn't growing properly?
Could we have saved him?
Would he have been OK?
How would I have managed being pregnant with a toddler?
Would he have been a good big brother?

All this and more. All questions that I will never have answers to.

I'm having a very difficult time managing my fear during this pregnancy. Especially now since I am at the point where we lost him. I am constantly afraid that she will die too. That she will stop moving. That something horrible will happen and we won't make it to the hospital in time. That somehow she will be ripped from us just like he was. Every scan and every doctor appointment I am prepared for the worst.

It's not how I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be blissfully happy like I was last time. I want to feel that innocence again. That unspoiled joy. A joy that hasn't been touched by tragedy and pain. But that isn't my story anymore. I am a baby loss mom who is lucky enough to be pregnant again. I know firsthand just how horribly things can go wrong. I know this and somehow I need to manage the strength and faith to get through the next few weeks.

If I survive with my sanity intact and my baby still alive then that will be one huge accomplishment.

So where am I now? I'd say overall I'm better. The pain is still there of course, but it lets me have more good days than bad. It comes back every so often to remind me it's still there, but then it lets me get on with my life. I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed.

I am forever changed and it is up to me where I go from here.

Here I Go Making Plans Again

As I have mentioned before, we are dealing with lots of things this pregnancy differently than we did last time. Last time around we had EVERYTHING ready for our son's arrival. We had 2 nursery lists (baby registries), one for our UK friends and another that our US friends could shop and still ship to my address here in London (I was very prepared). My friends threw me a baby shower which we planned around a family visit so my Mom and Grandmother could attend. After that, we bought anything that we didn't receive as gifts to fill the gaps.

We were absolutely prepared to bring our son home, except for the small detail that our son never got to come home with us. After he was born still, we had a house full of stuff and no baby. It was absolutely awful.

So this time we're doing things differently. We are buying NOTHING until after Frostina is here with us. I have made it clear to my friends and family that I don't want any gifts and I definitely don't want a baby shower. Nothing baby related will be allowed into this house until there is a living baby... full stop! I know in reality it won't make any difference, but mentally I just can't fill the house with baby things just yet.

Now that we're getting closer though, the practical and "I have to plan things" side of me is coming out. I couldn't walk into things completely unprepared. So I have allowed myself to do some things in preparation for Frostina's arrival. Just a couple of things so that The Hubby isn't running around like a chicken with his head cut off after she's born alive and well (see, I'm being positive). I've allowed myself to start making plans again.

First of all I have chosen and pre-ordered my baby buggy (stroller). I am having it delivered the day before my scheduled c-section. I had to pre-order it because the one I want is a new model and they are on back order. You can't just walk in and get one, especially if you want to choose your color options. After all we've been through this pregnancy, there's no way I'm settling for less than exactly what I want (perhaps I'm being a bit spoiled here), so I allowed myself to place the order. Of course, the box will be banished to the garage until after she's born. There's no way I'm allowing it into the house.

Secondly I've set up a small nursery list (baby registry) with just the basics on it. This will mostly be so that The Hubby has a list to work off when he's doing the shopping after Frostina is born. I don't imagine he will be in the mindset to want to pick which kind of baby monitor or breast pump after her arrival, so I've done that prep work for him.

I've also had the store where the list is set up put a car seat and moses basket on hold. It hasn't been paid for just yet, but the lady who helped me set up my list has already put them aside in the stockroom for me. That way there won't be any risk that the items aren't available when we need them. All The Hubby has to do is go in and pay for them and he can take them home. So even if everything else is out of stock, we will have something to bring her home with and something for her to sleep in.

In addition to stuff for baby, I've also started making appointments for me. Because as I've mentioned many times here, I am just a bit vain. There's no way I'm going into a scheduled c-section without a bit of "freshening up" first. So far I've booked my bikini wax and my hair appointment. I may be having a baby after 40 but you won't see any grey hairs on this head. I also need to book a pedicure and an eyebrow threading, but there's still time for all that.

It feels strange to be setting up these "last one before baby" appointments. I had them all set up last time too, only I never made it to any of them. Because we delivered my son weeks before we were expecting to. I don't even remember who cancelled them last time. I think it was my same group of friends who went in and got rid of all the baby stuff. Or maybe I was just a no show.

It doesn't really matter now, I just hope that this time I make it to them all. And that in my first photos with Frostina I have perfectly colored hair, cute toes, and nicely shaped eyebrows.

I won't be showing or taking any photos of the bikini wax so everyone will just have to take my word for it that things have been taken care of in that department. : )

She Has A Name

After months of negotiations we have finally agreed on a name for Frostina.

Our methods this time around were very different than with my last pregnancy. With my son we had this idea that we didn't want to make the final name selection until after we met him properly. Our goal was to narrow the list down to 2 or 3 names and then choose based on what we could see of his personality after he was born. We didn't share our options or ideas with anyone because we wanted to do the big "name reveal" after we made our choice.

As we all know, things went horribly wrong with my last pregnancy at 36 weeks. Once we were told that he no longer had a heartbeat, everything happened quickly and in a blur. After he was born the midwives asked us what his name was. There was silence from both of us. He didn't have one yet, we had wanted to meet him first. We wanted to match his name to his little personality. Except that we would never know what his personality would be, because we were never going to be able to meet him properly. Because he was already gone and everything about him would always be a mystery.

I was devastated and embarrassed to have to tell them he didn't have a name yet. So they just called him baby boy and our last name. They said they could update things once we made a decision.

No one should ever have to choose a name for their dead baby... I'm just saying.

We agonized over the decision, but finally made our choice. Once we picked his name we then had to go about the business of telling people. I found this task so very difficult. Everytime I tried to say his name out loud my throat would close up and my eyes would fill with tears. In the end, we decided to email his name to family and friends because saying it was just too hard. Too hard because we never said it when he was alive. We never got to address him by his name when he was still with us. So in the beginning, his name was a source of pain.

We didn't want it to be like that this time. So we used a very different strategy. We both did a list of our favorites and then each eliminated names off the others list that we didn't like. When we got the list down to 15 or so we started "road testing" them for one day each.

It's amazing what doing a road test can do to a name. I found that some of the names I thought I would love just didn't feel right, even after only one day of using them. This process got us down to a final four. With the final four names we extended our road test to a week for each name. At the end of the fourth week, it was decision time. Luckily, we both agreed on what name felt best.

So that's it! Decision made! We've already started calling her this new name and she seems to like it. We haven't told the family just yet but plan to sometime very soon. Because I don't want the first time anyone hears it to be after something terrible has happened. I want to know that no matter what, she is her own person with her own name... a name that everyone already knows.

**I do feel slightly bad writing about name selection and then having to break the news that I'm not actually going to reveal it here. It's a bit mean I suppose, but this being an anonymous blog and all it wouldn't really work if I started talking in real names now would it? So for the purposes of this blog she will always be Frostina.

Sorry about that.

A Very Important Date

I saw my doctor (or consultant as they refer to them on this side of the pond) this week. It was just a check up. You know, the boring ones where you pee in a cup, have your blood pressure taken, and get weighed. Although with this doctor they are slightly less boring because he has a small portable ultrasound machine in his office. So I got to see Frostina which I always love.

She is laying transverse which explains why I can feel her on both sides of my belly at the same time. She is also super cute and moves around a lot! The moving around part is a great reassurance for me, even if she does make some big kicks that catch me of guard sometimes.

After getting the good news that everything is going well with all the stuff they just checked I asked about my C-Section date. You see, based on my history of faulty placentas and my previous C-Section birth I already know I'll be having another one. This doctor wants to do it at 37 weeks because at this point Frostina will be considered term, and we reduce the risk of a repeat of last time (or perhaps something new). He said once she is term and her lungs are mature there's no reason to just keep her in there for the sake of keeping her in there.

I though it would be too soon to get an exact date but figured I'd ask. My Mom is going to come from the US and would like to be able to book her flights before they cost a small fortune. To my surprise, my doctor said we could set it up then and there. Wow!

So mark your calendars for Friday, the 8th of June!! If everything goes to plan then that's the day our little Frostina will make her debut. I'm just praying that everything continues to go well and we will be able to bring her home with us. A living breathing baby this time! Wouldn't that be amazing?

*Image from here 

Hope Creeps In

This pregnancy has not been easy on me emotionally. I suppose all pregnancies after a loss are difficult and what I'm experiencing is normal. That is if your definition of normal is rotating between fear, panic, dread, grief, sadness, nervousness, paranoia, wistfulness, longing, fixating, and terror. Since I'm always on the hunt for my new normal here, I'd say this probably isn't the best definition available. But alas, sometimes reality rules.

For the past 22 weeks I've been scared. Worried that something will go wrong like it did last time. Worried that I won't be able to handle it again. Worried that I won't be able to cope with another loss. Wondering if I was a complete crazy person to put myself in this vulnerable place again.

As time has gone on something odd has happened. Every now and then I experience this strange sensation. At first I didn't even notice it was there. It would flit in and out of my consciousness. Blink and you'd miss it.

What was this strange sensation? It seemed foreign and yet somehow familiar. Tiny butterflies in my stomach. A small smile that would creep onto my face from time to time. A skip in my step. A song in my heart. My mind starting to think ahead,,,, making plans. What was this strange sensation? 

Suddenly it hit me. I knew exactly what this strange emotion was.

It was hope.

Somehow amongst all the fear and the worry and the stress of this new pregnancy, hope had crept in. I didn't recognize it at first because I was so preoccupied with all my negative thoughts. Even if I did have awareness of it, I pushed it right back where it came from.

But this hope was stubborn. Instead of allowing itself to be pushed away, it pushed back. It came more often, screaming my name each time. "I'm back," it would shout. "Remember me? Still I pushed it back.

There is no room for hope when you're living each day in fear. Hope is the enemy. Hope makes you vulnerable to being hurt again. Protecting yourself from hope will protect you from pain,,,,, right?

But hope wouldn't give up. It came even more often, and it stayed for longer periods of time. Enough time for me to start going to prenatal yoga again. Enough time for me to start looking at baby girl nursery items on the internet. Enough time for me to buy tickets to go to the Baby Show here in London. Enough time for me to attend the Baby Show and actually enjoy myself!

I kid you not,,, I went to the Baby Show and enjoyed myself.

I'm very good at denial though and so even though hope was there, I refused to acknowledge it's existence. I got home from the Baby Show and couldn't stop talking about it to The Hubby. I didn't buy anything of course, but I had done all sorts of "research" on the latest baby buggy and nursery furniture. I was babbling on about this and that when I realized that The Hubby was smiling at me.

"What are you smiling at??" I asked him. Of course he said he wasn't smiling at anything, which made me continue to question until he finally spilled. He said it was just nice to see me happy and excited again. And that's when it hit me. Hope had crept back into my life. Perhaps not blind hope, more like guarded hope. But hope nonetheless.

This is not to say that I'm over the fear. I'm most definitely still feeling fear, panic, dread, grief, sadness, nervousness, paranoia, wistfulness, longing, fixating, and terror. It's just that now it's sprinkled with a little hope.

Managing The Fear- A BLM Link Up

How do you manage the fear that goes along with a pregnancy after loss? That's the question I've been asked and since I have no idea, I've decided to ask all of you. 

A few days ago I got a message via Twitter from a fellow Baby Loss Mom. She lost her precious daughter a few months ago and like every BLM I know, is struggling to cope. The reason she messaged me is because she has just found out she is pregnant again. She wanted to know if I had any advice to help her get through the next few weeks because she is petrified.

I really struggled with how to answer this question, but I did the best I could. Days later I'm still not happy with what I said to her. Partly because of stupid Twitter and the whole 140 character rule, and partly because I don't think what I said is actually going to be helpful to her.

So you can see what I'm talking about, here was my response to her.

First of all congratulations! As far as managing your fear goes, I still haven't worked that out for myself. I can tell you that I'm getting less scared and more hopeful as the pregnancy is progressing. I think the fear is normal and something that will be with us the whole time. I'm sorry I can't offer the magic solution. But with grief there never is a magic solution. We have to go through it and feel it and live it I don't think there are any shortcuts. We have lived through the worst case scenario and it's normal to be worried it will happen again. I wish you the best of luck.

Not exactly a happy, shiny, "everything will be ok" answer was it? Although I suppose that's not really what she was looking for. 

I think  my issue with answering this question is that I haven't figured out how to manage my own fear yet. I'm not nearly as petrified as I was in the beginning, that's for sure. But I have no idea why. Perhaps I've just wrapped myself in a nice blanket of denial?? That's always possible with me. 

So I've decided to reach out to my fellow BLM's for help. Not just for my Twitter friend, but also for myself and for anyone else struggling with this issue right now. And I've decided to make it a link up, my very first one. I'm not a link up expert so you will have to bear with me on this one. There may be a few glitches as I try and figure this whole thing out.

The only rule is that your post has to deal with the topic of fear during a pregnancy after a loss. It can be a new post or an old one. It can be about you, or about someone you know. Maybe you've been through it and come out the other side. Or maybe you're right in the middle of it all like I am. 

All perspectives on this topic are welcome. You don't have to follow me to participate (although if you enjoy reading my blog then you're welcome to follow). Any links that are off topic will be deleted. 

Also, please feel free to share this link up with other BLM's who may not be regular readers of my blog. The more participants we have the better! We have a wonderful community here in the baby loss community and I look forward to reading your responses. Oh, and if you don't have a blog of your own, feel free to add your insights here in the comments section.

So here goes. How do you manage the fear during a pregnancy after loss? Is it even possible to manage fear? Are there any tools or strategies you used? Did they work? What advice would you share with those of us going through it right now? 

Outing Myself On Facebook

No, I did not use this photo!

As the title says, I have announced my pregnancy on facebook.

I know many of you are shrieking in horror right now. You're probably thinking, "Not another smug, cheesy, annoying pregnancy announcement!" I can promise you that I did my best to make sure my announcement was none of those things.

I absolutely understand why many of my fellow Baby Loss Mom's and Infertiles are not huge fans of Facebook. It can be a source of pain for many of us. I myself have been known to hide all photos of friends on my list who have just had babies. But at the same time, I do love social networking sites. As someone who lives overseas, I find they really are the best way to keep in touch with family and friends back home.

The Hubby and I are working on embracing this pregnancy. Our little Frosty deserves to have parents who are as happy and excited for his/her arrival as we were when I was pregnant with our son. So in this spirit, I decided to go for it.

I wanted to make sure that my announcement didn't seem smug, cheesy, or annoying. I also wanted to acknowledge where we are in our lives with respect to this new pregnancy. To try and make people aware that while I still struggle with grief, I am also hopeful. I don't want anyone to forget about our firstborn or to think that now that I'm pregnant that everything is wonderful again.

In addition, I wanted to share the term Rainbow Baby with everyone and explain what it means. That's a lot to squeeze into a pregnancy announcement, but I was determined to make it happen.

It took me about a week to find the perfect wording. I searched the web high and low for just the right definition for the term rainbow baby. There are a few floating around, but none of them seemed quite right. So I took a few bits and pieces from what I found elsewhere, and wrote the rest myself. In the end I think it strikes a good balance of expressing my loss while still celebrating the new life growing inside me.

Here's what I posted.  

After every storm there is a rainbow, illuminating the clouds and bringing the color back into what was previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that babies born after a loss are often referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Today I would like to share the news that I am pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. There are days when I still feel like I’m in the middle of the storm, but I’m now dreaming of our rainbow who is due to arrive this June.

I know it's a bit long for a facebook post, but it was important for me to get this message out correctly. Hopefully I've done that.