So Now Formula Feeding Your Baby Is As Bad As Smoking?

Is feeding your baby formula as bad as smoking? Are mothers who don't breastfeed causing serious harm to their children's health? Should baby formula packaging come with a warning label similar to the ones found on cigarette packs?

Sounds crazy right? But according to a report published by the charity Save the Children, that's all true and is exactly what should happen. I'm not going to link to them but you can look them and their report up if you want to.

I read through the report, not all 75 pages of course, but I did read it. I focused mostly on the section where they talk about the makers of baby formula. Here's what I gleaned from my read-through.

• The evil manufacturers of baby formula have to figure out a way to get women to buy their clearly inferior product. 
• They are competing with a product (breast milk) which is not only superior in every way, but is free. So they really have their work cut out for them.
• These evil companies are resorting to dastardly tactics in order to accomplish this goal. 
• These dastardly tactics include
• Advertising their products. (the horror)
• Giving free samples to midwives and new parents. (how dare they)
• Giving free gifts with the company logo to health care workers, i.e. pens, pads of paper, and such. (round them all up and throw them in jail now)
• Something must be done to keep these evil companies from promoting their "poison" onto new mothers.
• One reason something must be done is that these companies are offering something that costs money and many people don't have the money to buy this evil baby formula. 
• After all, breast is best.

So their solution? Require all breast milk substitutes to have a warning label stating all the reasons why feeding this product to your child is a terrible idea. This warning label should be at least one third the size of the packaging. That's right folks,,,, one third the size of the package.

A huge label that shouts, "You are a terrible mother/father if you feed this to your baby!" "If you feed this to your baby you will probably ruin his/her health for life!" "So you better pop that boob back out and try again, because if you can't breastfeed then you are damaging your baby forever!"

Ok, I'm sure the label won't say those words specifically. I'm sure they will be all official and much more scary. I also know that the result of those words will make Mothers like me, who were unable to breastfeed feel even more guilty and horrible than we already felt the first time we opened a package of formula for our babies.

Plus, baby formula packaging already contains a disclaimer that says breast milk is best and that formula is a breast milk substitute. In fact, on the website for the brand I use (Aptamil) you have to click a disclaimer that says, "Breastfeeding is best for babies and provides many benefits. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, you eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast and bottle feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of your own breastmilk, and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. The social and financial implications of using an infant milk should be considered. Improper use of an infant milk or inappropriate foods or feeding methods may present a health hazard. If you use an infant milk, you should follow manufacturer’s instructions for use carefully – failure to follow the instructions may make your baby ill. Always consult your doctor, midwife or health visitor for advice about feeding your baby." before you can even view what products they sell. So why the need for a bigger warning label? 

I know that this charity mostly focuses on women and babies in the developing world and I think a lot of the work that they do is pretty great. But the things they recommend should (in their opinion) apply around the world. Which means these warning labels would be placed on all baby formula packaging in the UK and Europe, and in America as well.

Reading through their report I learned that in some places women don't know they should try to breastfeed within the first hour. In some of these countries they think they should feed their babies all kinds of strange things. There are also cultural issues that prevent women who may want to breastfeed from doing so. So I get the focus on education and the idea that breastmilk is best.

I also read in the report that the baby formula companies are targeting the developing world as new potential customers. They seem to spin this as a travesty. My opinion is that if women in the developing world have trouble breastfeeding, like I did, then isn't it wonderful that there is another option for them? That instead of these babies being fed cow's or goat's milk, or something else that is unsuitable for newborns, they can obtain a formula that will sustain their baby?

If a woman can't breastfeed and lives in a place where no suitable breastmilk substitute is available then what happens to that baby? My guess is that he or she will eventually die of malnutrition. So what's wrong with advertising an available option that could be the difference between a healthy baby and a dead one? And considering that the slogan for Save the Children is, "No Child Born to Die," you would think that they would want families to have every available option to be able to feed their children properly. Instead, they seem to be pushing the "only breastmilk will do" agenda.

I don't normally get involved with what I consider to be controversial issues here. Partly because it's not really that kind of blog and partly because I don't always want to "stir the pot" or in any way contribute to the drama that surrounds these kinds of debates. Especially when the debate is about breastfeeding vs formula feeding.

My take is that people should do what works best for their family. Not every Mother can breastfeed, and not all babies can either. Some women opt for breast feeding only, some opt for formula feeding only, and some do a combination. In some cases these are conscious decisions, and in other cases there was no option. In my opinion, these are very personal decisions and it disgusts me when people get all high and mighty and preach that their chosen way is the only way.

So the idea of putting a warning label on baby formula that is at least one third the size of the package? A label that lists all the things that are wrong with feeding your baby formula? A label that will make parents who are doing everything they can to take care of their babies feel awful? A label that would have made me feel even more guilty and inadequate about not being able to breastfeed than I already did? A label that at the moment is only put on things that are poisonous? A label like the kind you find on a carton of cigarettes?

I don't think so.

She Has A Name

After months of negotiations we have finally agreed on a name for Frostina.

Our methods this time around were very different than with my last pregnancy. With my son we had this idea that we didn't want to make the final name selection until after we met him properly. Our goal was to narrow the list down to 2 or 3 names and then choose based on what we could see of his personality after he was born. We didn't share our options or ideas with anyone because we wanted to do the big "name reveal" after we made our choice.

As we all know, things went horribly wrong with my last pregnancy at 36 weeks. Once we were told that he no longer had a heartbeat, everything happened quickly and in a blur. After he was born the midwives asked us what his name was. There was silence from both of us. He didn't have one yet, we had wanted to meet him first. We wanted to match his name to his little personality. Except that we would never know what his personality would be, because we were never going to be able to meet him properly. Because he was already gone and everything about him would always be a mystery.

I was devastated and embarrassed to have to tell them he didn't have a name yet. So they just called him baby boy and our last name. They said they could update things once we made a decision.

No one should ever have to choose a name for their dead baby... I'm just saying.

We agonized over the decision, but finally made our choice. Once we picked his name we then had to go about the business of telling people. I found this task so very difficult. Everytime I tried to say his name out loud my throat would close up and my eyes would fill with tears. In the end, we decided to email his name to family and friends because saying it was just too hard. Too hard because we never said it when he was alive. We never got to address him by his name when he was still with us. So in the beginning, his name was a source of pain.

We didn't want it to be like that this time. So we used a very different strategy. We both did a list of our favorites and then each eliminated names off the others list that we didn't like. When we got the list down to 15 or so we started "road testing" them for one day each.

It's amazing what doing a road test can do to a name. I found that some of the names I thought I would love just didn't feel right, even after only one day of using them. This process got us down to a final four. With the final four names we extended our road test to a week for each name. At the end of the fourth week, it was decision time. Luckily, we both agreed on what name felt best.

So that's it! Decision made! We've already started calling her this new name and she seems to like it. We haven't told the family just yet but plan to sometime very soon. Because I don't want the first time anyone hears it to be after something terrible has happened. I want to know that no matter what, she is her own person with her own name... a name that everyone already knows.

**I do feel slightly bad writing about name selection and then having to break the news that I'm not actually going to reveal it here. It's a bit mean I suppose, but this being an anonymous blog and all it wouldn't really work if I started talking in real names now would it? So for the purposes of this blog she will always be Frostina.

Sorry about that.

Invitation Declined... Phew

As I wrote about a while back, I've been invited to a baby shower this month. If you click on the link you can read in detail just how much turmoil this caused me.

If just can't be bothered, here's the story in a nutshell.

• The last baby shower I went to was my own. 
• My son died 3 weeks later.
• The though of having to attend a baby shower makes me break out in hives.
• I wasn't sure exactly how to say no because I'm a people pleaser.

Ok, so now we're all up to speed.

I've spent a long time thinking about it and have decided that I just can't go. There is still a small part of me that wants to push myself, to not allow myself to hide from things like this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding baby showers because they are usually pretty fun events. Also, I don't like to miss out on a good party,,, ever. But I've decided that this is not the time.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant which means my hormones are all over the place. So the likelihood of crying goes way up. In fact, I started crying on the bus yesterday for no reason at all. I just don't trust my emotions right now. Plus the fact that this is not a good time to be stressing myself out. I'm already scared and stressed enough just being pregnant again. So I'm not exactly in the best state of mind to test or push myself.

I've got plenty of time to put on my big girl panties and act like a mature grown up. Just not now. There's no reason to rush into something that could end up a total disaster. No one wins if that happens and I could end up ruining someones special day. Not good.

So I sent her an email explaining my feelings and why I didn't feel I could come. It was such a relief just to send it. Now it's not hanging over my head anymore. Her reply was very positive. She told me she understands why I can't come and thanked me for telling her my reasons. So either all is well, or she's pissed off and just faking it. Either way I really don't care.

I'm just relieved that I stood up for myself and am only doing things I think I can handle right now. After all, I've got my little Frosty to take care of.

Getting Ready To Say No

Thanks so much for all the comments regarding the baby shower invitation dilemma. I am leaning towards not going at this point and if I can overcome my guilt then I will not be attending. I don't know why I feel guilty about not going, but I do.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that another mutual friend told me she won't be going either. I won't tell her story here, but basically she is fed up with the Mother to be (M2be). Like me, she feels that M2be isn't the friend we thought she was. In addition there have been some things that have happened between this friend and M2be that I wasn't involved with which resulted in very hurt feelings for our mutual friend.

The three of us, plus a couple of others who no longer live in the UK, were a very tight group at one point so this "slow unfriending" has been awkward for us all. Our mutual friend has done a much better job of disengaging from M2be than I have which has not gone unnoticed by M2be.

Our mutual friend feels that it would be hypocritical of her to attend the baby shower after all that has happened. So she let me know a few days ago that she won't come and will make her excuses. She let me know so I wouldn't be expecting to see her there, something I greatly appreciate.

I told her my dilemma with baby showers in general and she totally understands. In fact her response was like many of yours. She said that I should do what I feel is best and not worry about hurting anyone's feelings. She said that I should only do what I feel I can and nothing more.

This is where my guilt kicks in. Like many of my friends here in London, M2be is living in a foreign country far from family and friends. I can imagine that when she started trying for a baby she imagined her London baby shower filled with her closest new friends. Since then, two have moved out of the country and two of us are really not her close friends anymore. Even knowing that, she has chosen to invite the two of us who are still here.

I know it's not my fault about those who moved away, and it's certainly not my fault about what happened between her and our mutual friend. But I feel like our absence will be felt in a way that will hurt M2be's feelings. I hate hurting people's feelings. Yes, she is flying home to have a baby shower with her friends and family there, so it's not like this is her only shower,,,, but still the guilt fills me. 

I am somehow stuck in this place where I try to please everyone when really I should focus more on myself. Since losing my son I'm much better at this, but the shower invitation issue proves that I'm not all the way there yet. I don't actually have to decline until I receive the actual invitation so I've got some time to prepare myself.

PS- Wow, seeing all this written down makes it look like a whole lotta drama! Ugh, I despise drama!

Husbands Struggle Too

This is harder than I thought it would be. Not just for me, but for The Hubby.

He keeps up a strong front most of the time and it's hard for me to read where he's at. We have a lot going on right now. In addition to this new pregnancy, my father in-law has dementia which is much worse than we thought. We know this because we just got back from a trip home and saw first hand just where he is. It's too much to go into here but The Hubby had to make some hard decisions while we were home and he didn't necessarily get the support from his siblings that I think he deserved.

So our trip home was very much an emotional rollercoaster. On the one hand we got the amazing news that I am pregnant again. On the other hand we were slapped in the face with the reality of life with dementia. By the time we got home we were both exhausted, physically and mentally. Add some work stress into the mix and the hubby is completely overwhelmed.

I knew he was stressed but had no idea how much until he shared his feelings with me the other day over breakfast. He is absolutely terrified that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy. Apparently one of the reasons he's not sleeping (in addition to the jetlag) is because everytime I get up to pee he's worried I will have a miscarriage. Now I'm getting up at least once a night (sometimes two) to pee and had no idea that each time it sends him into a panic.

He also panics every time I call him. Each time he's about to answer the phone he's sure I'm calling with bad news. Of course I'm just calling with boring every day stuff and had no idea the sight of my name on his phone is having that effect on him.

The other night he was up much later than I was. Turns out he was looking through all our old pregnancy photos, old facebook posts, and back through the archives of my blog. He said he felt crazed, like he couldn't stop himself. He read the old posts, looked at the old photos, and cried.

It's as if he was driven to remember the pain. When I asked why he said that everytime he feels happy about this new pregnancy he instantly feels guilty. As if somehow being happy again is leaving our son behind. Like we're going to forget him and how sad we were when he died. We talked some more and cried a bit. I told him how glad I was that he shared his fears with me. He smiled and said, "Well now you have something to write about on your blog just in case you get writer's block." That made me laugh.

I wish I could take away his worry, but I can't. I wish he didn't have so much on his plate right now. My primary focus is dealing with the anxiety of this pregnancy, but he's doing a juggling act with chainsaws right now. I just wish that somehow I could step in and help him carry his burden. To lighten his load, even if only a little bit. So that he can sleep through the night without all the fear.

I completely understand where his fear is coming from and have been wondering the same thing myself. How can the happiness of this new pregnancy and the utter devastation of the last one live side by side? Is it possible to feel the joy and hope of this new life without forgetting the love and sadness we felt for the one we have lost? Are we somehow dishonoring our son by allowing ourselves the possibility of happiness again?

How do people manage pregnancy after loss?

I want to be happy about this but I don't ever want to forget about my son.
My firstborn.
Who we never got to take home.
Who we love dearly.

Is any baby going to be able to fill the hole he has left in our hearts? More importantly, do we want that hole filled?


pouring my heart out with shell

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today a 36 week pregnant me went in for one more growth scan and found out that my son had no heartbeat. I had no idea anything was wrong and could swear I had just felt him move. But I was wrong, they told me he had been gone for at least a few days.

That was the moment that my life fell apart.

I have spent the past year trying to pick up the pieces.

Happy... Sad... Scared

These three words describe how the hubby and I are both feeling right now.

Happy
We got our fertilization report yesterday. Out of the 8 eggs that we were got from our donor (we did a shared cycle), 5 fertilized. Now I'm a total IVF rookie so I don't know if this is a good number or a bad one, but we are both feeling positive about it. We booked our SUPER EXPENSIVE last-minute flights to Washington DC in preparation for our transfer which is set for Wednesday.

It's so odd to know the exact moment of fertilization, when you get pregnant on your own or via IUI (which is what we did last time) you don't know that exact moment. But with IVF you do. That moment when the possibility of a new life begins. One cell that has divided into two with all the possibilities attached to it. Two cells that we hope divide into four, and so on and so on. Two cells that could perhaps grow into a healthy baby boy or girl that we could take home and welcome into our family. So much hope attached to those two cells. It's actually quite amazing when you think about it.

Sad
In the midst of all the hormone injections and fertilization reports we are also approaching a very difficult milestone. On the 13th of August it will be exactly one year since our son was born still. I struggle with what to call it. Is it his birthday? Technically yes because he was born on that day. But he died sometime before that so he wasn't alive to be born. Is it his angelversary? I suppose it's a more descriptive term but again I have a few issues with that term. I don't know what to call it, and it doesn't really matter I suppose. It is the day he was born and it will be a difficult one for the hubby and me.

Yesterday the hubby had a sad moment. I think he's been holding it all in, trying to be strong for me. But yesterday it all came out. He feels like we are replacing our son with this new potential baby. He doesn't want to replace him. He worries that with all this focus on our donor egg IVF cycle we have somehow forgotten about him. He reminded me that a year ago our son was still alive. I had a doctors appointment where we heard his heartbeat. That's the last minute I know for sure that he was still alive.

It is sometime in these next two weeks that he died and I didn't notice. "They could have still saved him then," the hubby kept saying, "He was still alive and they could have saved him." If only playing the what-if game worked. If only I could go back in time and be more vigilant, perhaps they could have.

We had a good cuddle and a cry over it all. I think we both really needed one. Especially him. I think it's so much harder for men to allow themselves to go there. To put down their walls and just feel. I love that the hubby knows that he doesn't always have to be strong for me. That sometimes I can be strong for him.

Scared 
We really want those five little embryos to continue to divide and grow. We really want to be able to implant one or two of them and have it grow into a healthy, happy, living baby. But we are also scared shitless. What if we have another loss? Will we be able to handle it? How on earth are we going to be able to get through another pregnancy without losing our minds with worry? It's a huge leap of faith,,, one that we are willing to take,,,, but we're still really scared.

His House

We have finally moved into our new place. It is bigger and nicer than our old one. I am crazy busy unpacking and organizing things. Trying to make this place feel like home. I know in time I will be successful and it will feel as comfortable and cozy as our last place.

Except for one thing. It's not his house.

We left his house and have moved on to one where he never was.

Where he never existed.

A fresh start? Or something else?

I feel like we have somehow left a part of him behind. My beautiful son, who we never got to take home from the hospital. He only existed in that home, not in this one.

Even though he never got to see it with his own eyes, or smell it, or crawl on the floor. He was there with us. He was alive there. It's the only place he ever had the chance to be alive.

Hearing our voices there from within my womb, living our lives, planning for him to be a part of our family. That house had hope and dreams and possibilities. All of which came crashing down on that horrible day last August when we found out that he was gone. That night when we had to come back to that home and pack for the hospital,,,, for his birth.

That place where we cried so many tears over his loss.
That place that felt so empty when we came home without him.
That place was the only place he ever was.

And we've left it.

Does that mean we've left him behind as well?

The One Where I Lie to My Friends

I have a confession to make,,,, a friend is moving back to the US and even though I pretend to be sad about it, I am actually happy she's going!

I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I can't help myself. It's amazingly selfish and if any of my friends in real life knew they would be very upset with me. They would be horrified that I could think such a horrible thing about someone I call my friend. It would probably change their view of me completely. So I hide it. I keep it to myself and pray that no one discovers my dark secret.

So what is this friend's crime?? What has she done to make me so happy that she's moving so far away?

Three words

HER BABY LIVED

Yes, it's a simple as that. We were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were a month apart. We had all these plans about our babies being friends. She was having a girl and I was having a boy and we joked about them being boyfriend and girlfriend. We were going to join the same playgroup. We were on the same path.

Until that horrible day.

"There's no heartbeat." 

Those words uttered at my 36 week growth scan changed everything for the hubby and me. 

But not for her. Her baby girl lived, and is here,,, on this earth,,, in her arms. While my son looks down on me from heaven.

I can only hold him in my heart.

She and her daughter are walking reminders of what I have lost. In fact, in the 9 months since my son died (yes, it's been 9 months now) I have yet to meet her daughter. I can't meet her daughter. In fact, we had a near miss a few weeks ago and it nearly sent me into a crying frenzy.

So I pretend...
That I will miss her.
That I'm sad to see her go.
That our group of friends will never be the same without her.
When really, I can't wait for her to be gone.

So that I don't have to see the awkward looks on people's faces when they are in the same room with the two of us. Knowing the struggle they are going through.

• Dying to ask her about her baby, but not wanting to hurt my feelings.
• Wanting to invite people over but knowing she may not have a babysitter and knowing that I can't be in the same room as her daughter. 
• Feeling like they somehow have to make a choice whether to see me or her based on her childcare situation. 
• Feeling like they are stuck in the middle of this horribly awkward situation. Where her baby lived an mine died. 
• Trying to be good friends to each of us while not hurting the feelings of the other. 

I don't envy their situation. I try to put myself in their shoes,,,,, but I'm too close. I am unable to think objectively. So as much as I like this friend (and believe it or not, I really do) her move is a huge relief. Because I get to keep the friends.

And I really need them right now.

As horrible as it is to say this,,,, I need them more than she does. So I'm lying to everyone. Saying how much I will miss her and how sad I am to see her go. When really I'm just counting down the days.

So I'm a liar, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. Even though all I'm really trying to do is survive.