When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.

I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.

I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.

Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).

I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.

Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.

So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.

I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.

I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."

Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.

Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.

*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.

One Perfect Heartbeat

What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.

One perfect heartbeat.

That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.

What an amazing feeling.

So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.

I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.

Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.

So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!

I hope and pray.

Overjoyed

I am overjoyed.

I know I've already told you this, but I think that's the best word to describe how amazing it feels to finally have Frostina in my arms. I can't think of any other way to describe it. So I won't, I'll stick to overjoyed.

The Hubby and I are overjoyed. This little girl has brought back a feeling of happiness and contentment that I think we both thought we had lost forever. When she was born she came out screaming,,, a beautiful sound,,, and The Hubby and I instantly burst out into tears too. So there we were, the three of us in a chorus of crying. We were surrounded by doctors and midwives and nurses and yet were were alone together in that room. In that special moment it was just the three of us.

The song we were singing was one of pain and loss and relief and joy all at the same time. It's amazing how much tears can communicate. Our tears on that day were a release of two years of grief plus eight years of the pain of infertility. That's ten years of struggling before we have finally been blessed with a living baby. So as you can imagine, there were lots of tears to be shed.

I'm overflowing with love for this little girl. Every morning when I wake up I have this strong need to hold her. To ensure myself she's real. Once I get her in my arms the tears flow. I cry one of those ugly snotty cries. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so desperately relieved and happy she's here. If she were awake during this time I'm sure she would be wondering what her crazy Mommy is doing. But thankfully she sleeps through my sobs and my tears falling onto her face.

When I look at her little face I feel at peace. I think for the first time since we lost our son I can honestly say that I am able to feel joy again. Real joy and a fresh hope for the future. Please don't think I've forgotten my son who looks down on us from heaven. I haven't and never will. But I think he would want me to be able to feel happiness again. And for the first time in a long time, I think I'm going to be able to.

Welcome To The World Frostina

Today is a wonderful day. Our little Frostina was born healthy and alive!!!!

She came out crying and it was the best sound I've ever heard. I don't know who cried more, Frostina, The Hubby, or Me.

She is doing great and I am overjoyed.

I will post more later but for now I'm just drinking her in.

A Great Idea, Thanks To You!

Have I mentioned recently how amazing my bloggy friends are? Well if I haven't done it lately let me do it now.

You guys are awesome!

I just wrote about not wanting to have a baby shower because it would be a flashback minefield for me. I was pondering doing something after (here's me being hopeful again) the baby is born. I asked for suggestions about what to do and how to avoid calling it a baby shower.

I got some great responses from that post and I learned a thing or two as well. I knew that British women don't really do baby showers (although the idea is growing in popularity), but I didn't realize it was considered bad luck. I also didn't realize that many Jewish people won't do a shower before the baby is born. Although having been to many a baby shower for my Jewish friends I'm guessing this rule is flexible.

I also learned about a Southern US tradition that I had never heard of before. It's called a Sip 'N' See party. According to this website that the lovely SG shared with me, a Sip 'N' See party is a baby shower you have after the baby is born. Guests come over to "sip" drinks and "see" the new baby. It can be casual or more formal and is often done open house style where guests are given a time frame and can come and go as they please.

I absolutely love this idea! It seems like a perfect way to celebrate a new baby without all the painful memories of baby showers past. So thanks to all of you who commented and suggested such a great idea. I will be passing this idea on to my friends who want to throw me a shower.

Frosty Is Hanging In There

Today I went in for my 12 week ultrasound. Well actually I'm only 11 weeks and 4 days but you get the idea. I was doing a really good job at keeping mellow and relaxed. Right up until about an hour before the appointment time. Then I got all panicky and stressed but managed to hold it together without any tears. This is a huge improvement in my book because the last scan I couldn't sleep the night before and was a total mess the whole day.

It was really great to get to see our little Frosty again. He or she was moving all over the place and has a good healthy heartbeat. It's such a relief each time I get to see and hear that wonderful heartbeat.

All the measurements look great. I won't know the full results which include our chances for downs syndrome and a few other things until later this week, but I'm feeling pretty positive. At first our doctor was asking us about having an amnio and wanting to know our feelings on the test, but once I reminded him that we used a 20-something egg donor he retracted his comment. He said that based on what he can see, he thinks it will be highly unlikely that our results will come back with anything to worry about it.

After the appointment The Hubby asked me when we want to start telling more people. I didn't have an answer for him. I know we're almost at 12 weeks now and even though I know there is no "all clear" I do know that after 12 weeks you chances go way up. So at some point we will need to start telling people.

Telling people makes it all seem so much more real. I've been doing a pretty good job of living in a bubble of denial because so few people know. Once we tell more people, I will have to come to terms with the fact that I am indeed pregnant again. It is real,,, it is happening,,, it is real. And that's a pretty scary place for me.

I think he sensed my hesitation and understood that it was based mostly on fear. I say this because he sent me the most amazing text message about an hour later.

It said, "You deserve to be happy today. You deserve to believe that our son is looking after you and his baby brother.. or sister. I love you with all my heart." 

What an amazing man I married!

He's right of course, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be joyfully telling people that we're expecting again. I deserve to not be riddled with fear this entire pregnancy. I deserve to be able to feel hopeful and to not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I'm going to do my very best to embrace the joy when it comes. And to try not to dwell on the fear and sadness as much as that's possible. After all, Frosty deserves for his/her parents to be as excited now as we were about his/her older brother. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to manage this, but I'm sure going to try.

Balloonapalooza

On Saturday the 13th we honored the memory of our son with a balloon release. It was quite an emotional day for us and I was touched and honored that so many of our friends and family (both in real life in in the bloggy world) wanted to join in. I wanted to share some of the balloon photos that I received.

I love that they were sent from all over the world in honor of my son. I hope he got them all!

We Survived... Thanks For Helping Us Through This

Saturday we celebrated my Son's first birthday in heaven. I want to thank all of you for your love and support through this very difficult time. Your comments and emails brought much needed light to a very dark time. I want to thank all of you who released balloons for my son. A baby you have never met.

I loved getting the photos in my inbox. I plan to publish a post with all of them very soon. I just need to figure out how to make one of those cute photo collages first.

I also want to send a special thanks to I'm So Fancy and Jane from wordgeyser who wrote posts in honor of my son. Words can't express how happy I was to find your lovely posts in my reader. Here are the  links if you want to go and check them out. They're wonderful and I highly recommend you give them both a visit and a read.

• I'm So Fancy's post
• wordgeyser's post

It wasn't an easy day for the hubby and I. As we were just back from a week away as part of Operation Distraction, we couldn't just sit around all day and cry. We had actual things that we needed to take care of. Including food shopping, which I smartly ordered online and had delivered, picking up prescriptions, and of course getting his balloon for the balloon release.

At first I was angry that part of his special day was taken up doing normal mundane things, but then I realized that actually it was more "normal" to have other things to do.

Time doesn't stand still for grief.
Life doesn't stand still for grief.
Even when you want it to.

It was "normal" to have to do other non-dead baby things on Saturday. Because in the year since my son died, life has gone on. We still need to have food in the house. We still need to pick up medications. We still need to get more light bulbs. We still need to do all the normal things that normal people do.

Grief is an additional layer to a normal life. At first it's a smothering layer that blocks out all light and oxygen. But as time goes on, it finds a way to incorporate itself into the other layers of your life. Six months ago I wrote about the layers of grief. I had forgotten about that post until I began to write this one. Looking back at my words, I don't think I have much to add. Except that with time it does get easier to live life while also living with grief.

Obviously his birthday will always be a tough one for us. A day when the shiny top-coat we've painted over our grief chips away and we are left raw and exposed. A day when we feel that pain again, as if it had just happened yesterday. As if we had not even begun to heal.

A day when the layer where we keep our grief again becomes exposed and is once again smothering and all consuming. This feeling is like a familiar unwelcome friend who comes to stay and refuses to leave. A feeling that lingers longer than you want it to,,, but not for as long as it did in the past.

Yes it was a tough day. But we survived, because that's who we are now,,,, survivors.

The Morning After The Night Before

First of all I want to thank all of you for your lovely and supportive comments to my last post where I talked about my regrets about not being able to hold my son after he was born.
 *If you are visiting from Pour Your Heart Out , welcome. I have chosen to share this post instead of the post that inspired it because of the subject matter. The post that inspired this one is truly me pouring my heart out, but I was worried that those of you who have not lost children may find it too upsetting. My goal is never to shock people or make anyone feel uncomfortable with my words. 

I have read each and every one of them over and over and am still amazed at the support I have received. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be so comforted by the words of people who I have never met I would tell them they were crazy. Now I know better. I am thankful to be a part of this amazing group of women. This sorority of baby loss moms. Not thankful that we have lost our children of course, but thankful that we have somehow managed to find each other through all our pain.

I woke up the morning after writing that post with a very strange sense. I had a hangover. Not from alcohol, but from crying. It was an emotional hang over. I stayed in bed for a while after I woke up, a bunch of questions swirling around in my brain.

Have I really been feeling this way the whole time? How is it possible that I didn't know I felt that way? Where on earth did all that come from?

You see, up until a few hours before I shared my feelings here, I had no idea I had them. Seriously! I had never given it much thought. I was sitting on my couch watching TV (a program that had nothing to do with babies or children) when BAM! It hit me out of nowhere.

It was the strangest thing. All these thoughts came flooding into my head. Flashbacks of his birth, regret, sadness, shame. It came on so quickly that at first I didn't even know what was happening. Then the tears started, the sobbing, the shaking, my body curling up in the fetal position.

It was as if someone or something had taken over my body. Something had released a valve or opened a tap and these feelings were just flooding out of me. I had hidden them well, even from myself. It's a special skill I possess.

So yesterday I did some things just for me. My husband is out of town for a few days on business so I can do whatever I like, and I did. Throughout the day I kept getting your lovely comments via email. Each one did a little bit more to lift my spirits. By the end of the day I was feeling much lighter.

Today I feel even better. I am relieved to have these feelings out in the open. Not just open to all of you, but open to me. I am still amazed that I was holding all these feelings in such a deep place that I wasn't even aware they existed. Now that they are out, I can deal with them. I can talk to my husband about them. I can find a constructive way to work through them. Perhaps a way that doesn't involve stuffing my face with cookies.

I can deal with them before we start this new journey of trying for another baby. The less baggage I can carry with me, the easier it will be. The healthier I can be both mentally and physically, the better the chances for a healthy pregnancy and a living, take-home baby. 

What an Honor

I am so humbled and grateful today.

This little blog of mine is being spotlighted over at an amazing blog called Honoring Our Angels. It was set up by Monica on behalf of her daughter Devon who was stillborn November 2008. She started the site to serve as a resource for people who have lost a child.

It's an amazing place with lots of resources and stories from other women who have suffered the loss of their babies. I highly recommend you go over and check it out.

Thank you so much Monica. Not just for spotlighting my story, but for all the work you've put into making some great resources available to all of us.

This Week I'm Grateful For

I've been through a lot these past few months and it's easy to get caught up in the sadness and the grief. So when I saw this idea over at Maxabella loves I just knew I had to participate. I need to spend more time thinking about the things that are good in life. Even through all this grief, I have things to be grateful for.

So here goes. This week I'm grateful for....

• Exercise- I started doing it to try and lose the jelly belly that pregnancy leaves behind. One thing I didn't realize is how much better I feel now. Not just physically but mentally. I can feel my dark mood lifting the more I get out there and sweat. It's like free therapy, and it also helps you get rid of the jelly belly. Mine is still here, but it's losing a bit of it's wobble.
• Friends- I have the most amazing friends who have really supported me. I don't know what I would do without them, especially since my family lives in a different country than I do.
• Wine- My husband will laugh when he sees this one. Wine is like magic. It brings people together. It makes anything more fun. There are so many different kinds of wine so you never get bored. There's always a good reason to have wine. It's complex and interesting and I love learning more about how it's made. Oh, and I also really like to drink it! : )

Enjoying a glass in Bordeaux, France

7 Ways Grief Has Changed Me

This blog is called Finding My New Normal. I started it after my son died to try and sort out my feelings and to try and figure out how to live without him. I've been thinking a lot about how losing my son has changed me. In an effort to find my new normal I think it's important to reflect on what this new me is like. How is she different from the old me?

Do I even like her? I suppose that's a question for a different day.

But for now, here are the 7 ways that losing my son has changed me.

1. I have taken my rose-colored glasses off. I used to surround myself with only positive things. I hated sad books, sad movies, or anything that would make me cry. I never thought that anything bad would or could happen to me. I believed that if you were a good person then only good things would happen to you. I now know that while it's important to be a good person, it won't necessarily protect you from bad things. I also know that just because you only watch funny movies and refuse to read the back of your pregnancy books where they talk about complications and loss, your baby can still die.
2. I am much more compassionate. I never gave much thought to the suffering of others. I don't mean that I didn't care for people or that I didn't feel sad when they suffered loss. It's just that I really didn't understand what they were going through. I figured they would be sad for a while and then get over it. I now know that you never really get over tragedy, you just get better at living with it. I now feel a need to reach out to the people in my life who are in distress. I want them to know that I'm here, that I understand, and that I'm here for them. I think I always felt this way, but I just wasn't very good at doing anything about it before. Now I want to get good at it, so that no one in my life has to suffer alone.
3. I am terrible at follow through. I forget to answer emails, pay bills, and return phone calls. I say I will send something in the mail or book a vacation and then I completely forget. I used to be very reliable and responsible. Now I find that I'm absent minded and if I don't write myself lists I forget things. 
4. I am much more emotional. I've always been one to cry at movies (one of the reasons for item 1) and silly commercials, but I was always very stable emotionally. The old me was very rational and rarely acted out of emotion. I carefully thought things through before I made decisions. But now I'm no longer in control. I feel sad on days when it's really not convenient. I cry in public which is something I would have NEVER done before. Basically, I'm a total mess. 
5. I am much more vulnerable. If you had met me 6 months ago you would have seen a confident, independent, happy person. It took a lot to hurt my feelings or make me angry. I rarely held grudges because for the most part, things just didn't get to me that much. Now I'm the total opposite. If my family doesn't call or email I'm hurt. A couple of family members forgot my birthday this month and it reduced me to tears. I was absolutely crushed that we received so few Christmas Cards this year. These are things that I wouldn't have thought twice about before.
6. I appreciate the positive things in my life. In fairness, I've always been grateful for the things in my life, just not in the same way. I really do have a good life. I have a loving family and a fantastic husband. I get to live in London where I have met some fabulous friends. We get to travel all over Europe and the world. What has changed is the depth to which I appreciate it all. I treasure the things in my life that I have left, because I now know how easy it is to lose it all. In the blink of an eye, or the wave of an ultrasound wand  your whole life can be shattered. 
7. I am a better wife. Well at least I hope I am. Tagging on to item 6, I have come to appreciate my marriage in a way I never thought possible. I now make more of an effort to let him know this, both in my actions and in my words. We have been married for over 12 years and it's easy to get complacent. So the new me is working hard to make sure he knows just how special he is to me. That I would never have gotten through this without him. That he truly is my life. 

I'm sure in time I will come to find many other ways in which I have changed, both for the good and the bad. I can only hope that someday I can look at the new me living my new normal and feel content. I hope I will like this new person I am becoming.

How To Say Thank You?

Courtesy of photos8.com

How do you say thank you to someone who was really there for you in your time of need? Someone who went way above and beyond? Someone who stepped into your life and held your hand in a way you never imagined possible? How do you ever thank them enough?

That's the dilemma I'm trying to sort out at the moment and I need some help.

As I have mentioned before, we live in a different country than our family does. Most of the time it's not a huge deal. We email, chat on facebook, and even talk 'face to face' on Skype. But when tragedy strikes, you really feel the distance.

When we got the news that our son had died and I was going to be delivering him 3 weeks early, stillborn, I felt that distance like I never had before. I don't even know what time it was back in California when I had to make the call to my parents to give them the news. I know that I woke them up though. I could hear the sleepy confusion in their voices as I repeated the news a second time. That phone call that none of us ever want to get. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. Especially so many miles across the Atlantic Ocean. Especially when there's nothing we can do at that moment.

If I'd lived in the US I know that my whole family would have hopped into their cars and rushed to my side. I wouldn't have had to spend that last night of my pregnancy with just my husband. I wouldn't have had to make those first phone calls cancelling my nursery furniture delivery which was scheduled for the next day. The day that I would now be delivering my angel.

So I reached out to a friend here in London for help. I've only been in London for 5 years and I've known this particular friend for less than 2. But I made the call because there were things that needed to be done and I didn't have the strength to do them. When I called her I simply asked her to do a couple of things for me. I needed her to call the shop where I bought the nursery furniture and find out if I could cancel the order and get a refund. I also asked if she could call the shop where I got some of the other large items like the baby buggy (stroller) and baby swing and find out if those items could be returned even though I had taken them out of the box and put them together. For me it wasn't so much about the refund as it was about trying to figure out what to do with the items. I figured that if I had that information, then once I got home from the hospital, I could start figuring out what to do with everything else.

What she did next was nothing short of amazing. Not only did she contact the stores for me, but she made arrangements for the items to be both collected from my house and refunded. I addition she organized a few of my friends to go over to my house to box everything up and get it sent back before I got home. She scoured the high street for spare boxes to put the items in and then helped to pack them up. She supervised as my friends combed through my place, removing all traces of baby items. I can't imagine having to come home empty handed to a house full of baby things, so this step was especially welcomed.

She emptied my fridge of unwanted left-overs before they spoiled. She called to cancel my house cleaners, hair appointments, a pedicure, and even my bikini wax. You see, I had made all those appointments in preparation for the birth and to have to cancel them would have been absolute torture for me.

But she didn't stop there. A couple of days after I gave birth, my mother came over to help with my recovery. My wonderful friend also stepped in to help my Mom out. She walked my Mom through the online grocery delivery website, helped her find the hospital that we were staying at, and even called to check in on her from time to time. The two of them took turns waiting on the delivery men to come and take away all the baby gear. But it was my friend who was the driving force behind everything. She stepped in the way a family member would.

And remember, this is someone I've only known for a couple of years. Someone who is a wife and mother of two small boys. Someone who has a very busy life but somehow managed to make time to be there for me when I needed it most.

I thanked her profusely at the time, but now I'm feeling like that wasn't enough. But how to do you properly thank someone for doing something so amazing? Is it possible to thank her enough? Nothing I could ever say would ever express how much what she did meant to me and my family. But I want to do something. So here's what I've come up with and I'd love your input.

My Ideas 

Send her flowers

Gift Certificate to a lovely restaurant

Gift Certificate at a local cinema

Gift Certificate for a spa day

Or are those things all to ordinary? It's not really about spending a lot of money or not a lot of money, I just want to do something special for her. Something that shows her how much I appreciate what she did for me this past summer. 

As I said, I welcome your input and suggestions. Thanks in advance.