A Diagnosis, After All This Time

When my son died and was born they performed an autopsy. When the report came back the results were somewhat inconclusive, you can read about all that here if you want. It's painful for me to click back there and read just how broken I was back then, but I digress.

Anyway, the report basically said that the placenta failed. It was attacked by an infection or virus of unknown origin. My son was tested and I was tested and no infection or virus was ever found. The conclusion at the time was that it was a fluke and not something that could happen again.

I entered my pregnancy with Frostina with LOTS of fear and trepidation. I was worried that something would go wrong again, because that was all I knew. But I didn't worry that the exact same thing could happen, because I had been told specifically that it wouldn't.

So you will imagine my surprise when the exact same thing did happen, only this time the outcome wasn't fatal. You can read all the details here if you like. In a nutshell, Frostina's placenta had degraded as well and her fluid level was very very low on delivery day. My doctor surmised that the "infection or virus" was in fact an auto immune response by my body to the pregnancy. In essence, my body attacks pregnancies like they are an unwanted foreign body.

It was quite a bitter pill to swallow, to know that my body killed my son and was trying to kill my daughter. But at least the mystery was finally solved. At least I knew it wasn't just a fluke. It was a real thing that I could watch out for and hopefully prevent in future pregnancies.

I relayed all of this "history" to my new and super awesome perinatologist who I met with last week. If you're scratching your head at this point, I apologize for not writing about all of this before but life has been super crazy around here. Anyway, when I mentioned the auto immune part to him he ordered a bunch of tests to see if we could identify what it was. Some pretty scary test names were rattled off including lupus which really freaked me out.

Yesterday I got a call from the doctor himself, so I knew it wasn't an "all clear" call because those are normally made by the nurses in the office. It turns out that I don't have any of the super scary auto immune disorders like lupus which is a huge relief. But I did have one test that came back positive. I won't put the name of it here because it has a super medical name and even when you try to google it you don't get a good definition. Plus I try to steer away from all the medical lingo here on the blog because I'm no doctor and I don't want people looking for real medical advice to be directed here.

The way the doctor explained it to me, this particular antibody that I have can cause increased clotting. My levels aren't super high so it hasn't caused any clotting for me, but the blood vessels that feed the placenta are very small. He explained that it's possible that these antibodies could have caused tiny clots in the placenta that would have impeded blood flow and may very well be the cause of the death of my son and the issues with Frostina's last week in-utero. Of course he says he can't be 100% sure, but he thinks it's more likely than not.

So starting today I have to take a small dose of heparin (which is a blood thinner) each day. It's an injection which I had really hoped I was all done with, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure Baby Olea arrives alive and healthy. As the doctor was telling me about the injections I could tell he was worried that I was afraid of doing them. I reminded him that I had done all of my own IVF injections and if I can do a progesterone in oil jab with a 1 inch needle into my thigh each day, I can certainly do a tiny one in my belly. He laughed and joked that I'm an expert which sadly I am.

So later on this morning I'm off to my new pharmacy to pick up my new set of needles and medication. That's what I get for bragging that I was finally all done injecting myself this pregnancy. I am happy that we have a plan to help keep Baby Olea safe, and I am very impressed with my perinatologist.

After all this time I have an official diagnosis for what caused my son to die. It feels strange. On the one hand it's nice to know finally what happened. But on the other hand it's sad to have confirmation that it's my fault. That for some reason, my body contains antibodies that attack pregnancies. But in the end, it's good to know. It's good to have a diagnosis.

It's too bad a diagnosis can't go back and re-write history.

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

The Same, But Very Different

I've started my Lupron injections which means my current donor egg IVF cycle is officially underway.

There are lots of ways that this cycle feels very much like the ones we did a couple of years ago. I have dug out my Bag 'O Meds from the garage and filled it up with a new batch of medication, needles, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, bandaids, and of course my sharps container. I have printed my injection schedule and am crossing off the days as they go.

I'm feeling like I remember feeling the last time I started on all the hormones. I have been crying at stupid things like X-Factor. Not that X-Factor is stupid of course, but it's nothing to cry over. I'm nervous and excited just like last time as well.

But this cycle is very different than last time for one huge reason; and that reason is Frostina.

It is very different going through an IVF cycle when you have a living child to take care of. The last time around I was broken and lonely and absolutely desperate for a living child. Not just to fill the hole left in my heart when my son died, but to finally complete our family. I spent hours upon hours obsessing over every detail of my upcoming cycle. I had everything mapped out. I had a special place to do my injections and quite a bit of mental warm up before each one. I was focused.

This time around I just don't have the time to be obsessed. I don't have the time to calm myself mentally before doing each injection. I don't have time to focus. This time around I have to work them around Frostina and her needs.

This means that my daily injections look a bit like this.

1. Wait until after Frostina has finished her morning milk. Otherwise she will run around the room with her sippy cup leaving a trail of milk in her wake.
2. Put a children's program on the TV (hooray for the electronic babysitter).
3. Quickly dash out of the room when she's not looking and go to my bedroom.
4. Collect Bag 'O Meds from the closet (where I have to hide it from Frostina).
5. Unpack meds and do injection.
6. If Frostina starts crying before I'm done, try my best to ignore her and hurry up.
7. Clean up, making sure not to leave anything behind that Frostina can get her hands on.
8. Go back out to the living room and hope she hasn't managed to get into anything she wasn't supposed to when I was gone. 

Thankfully once the Lupron is done I can do the rest of the injections in the evening after Frostina has gone to bed. That will make things much more calm.

Just Bin It

Having lived in England for 6 and a half years I've picked up some of the lingo. One of the terms I love is to bin it which means to throw something away. I'm not sure why I like this one so much, but I do. 

Back in January I was cleaning out my fridge and came across a bottle or Lupron left over from our IVF cycles. I wrote about how I was unable to throw it away "just in case" something went wrong and I needed to use it again. I was so worried that things wouldn't go to plan and I would be back at step one again.

Today I was doing a bit of fridge cleanup again. Side note... this makes my life sound soooo exciting doesn't it?? I found the bottle hiding in the same spot. I suddenly remembered exactly how I felt back in January.

Back in January when I was filled with so much fear. Filled with so much worry. Filled with so many what ifs. I was worried that by throwing away the bottle I was somehow testing fate. That getting rid of it would seem smug and way too confident. So I kept the bottle, even though my logical mind knew that simply keeping or not keeping medicine in your fridge has no influence on the outcome of a pregnancy.

But today is different. Today I am holding my precious rainbow baby in my arms. Today I know the outcome, and I have no need to hold onto fertility medications in my fridge. Especially since the bottle expired in April.

So what did I do??

I tossed it into the bin, and I smiled while I was doing it.

Just Something Else I'll Never Know

Sometimes I feel like things are back on track. In the year and 7 months since my son died and was born I've done a pretty good job coming to terms with his loss. It's not been easy, especially since I'm pregnant again, but I'm managing. But then, every now and then, something hits me out of the blue that knocks me back down again.

It can be anything really. There are lots of triggers out there. But for some reason it's the things I'll never know that get me the most. I could go through the whole list, but my heart can't take writing that kind of post right now. I'll save that for another day when I'm not feeling quite so vulnerable. Perhaps after Frostina is born happy and healthy and I'm not so worried that I also won't know those things about her. So for now I'm going to put that list aside and get back on topic.

I was chatting with a friend over lunch this week and she was asking about my pregnancy. As I was filling her in on some things the waitress came over and asked if we wanted dessert. After we both said no, I mentioned to my friend that it's probably better if I taper down on my sugars for a while as I'm pretty sure I'll be having my gestational diabetes test sometime soon. That got us on the subject of all the blood tests and injections you have to endure when you're pregnant and how you end up feeling like a human pincushion.

I mentioned in passing that I'm almost due for my anti-d injection. She had no idea what I was talking about and asked what that was. I went on to explain to her that I have an RH-negative blood type and if you have that then your body can create anti-bodies to your baby if he/she has an RH-positive one.

I went on to explain how before they knew about this, babies used to die sometimes as a result of the Mother's immune system thinking the baby was some kind of virus. So now, they give you the anti-d injections as a way to prevent your body from building up any kind of antibodies that can hurt your baby. If the baby is also RH-negative then you won't build up the antibodies, but since they have no way of knowing until after the birth, they give everyone the injections as a precaution. **I am not a doctor so please don't think that I'm any kind of expert on this kind of thing. This is just my understanding of things.


That made me think about my first pregnancy with my son. "You know," I said to her, "I don't know what blood type my son had."

It's not something I've ever wondered about before. Now that I'm pregnant again I suppose it's relevant though. Did the anti-d injections I had in my last pregnancy save me from building up antibodies against this one? Was my son RH-negative like I am? Or was he RH-positive like The Hubby? As I was at a lunch with friends I quickly let the question slip out of my mind and I went on with my day.

For some reason I woke up thinking about this question this morning. One of many questions I have about my son, who will never grow up and help me answer them. There was only one place I could think of to check for the answer. His post mortem report. Not an easy read by any account, but I felt compelled to give it a go. So I dug it out and read through it for probably only the second or third time ever.

It's a completely heartbreaking thing to read, even though I don't understand half of it with all the medical speak it contains. I scoured the entire document with it's charts and figures, but no mention of his blood type. It seems like a strange thing to leave off. I mean, they have the weights and measurements of all his organs, but no blood type?

So basically, I tortured myself with reading in detail about how my son died and didn't get the answer to my question. Nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon! I had a small breakdown after that. Not because it's so important for me to know what his blood type was, but because it's just one more thing I don't know about him.

One more item to add to the list that I'm not ready to write yet.

Just something else I'll never know.

Just In Case?

There's not a lot going on in my schedule this Sunday afternoon so I decided it was time to clean out the fridge. It's one of those jobs that just has to be done from time to time. Who says my life isn't glamorous?

So I'm going through the shelves, throwing out old left overs and some surprisingly scary onions when I come across this.

Amazing what you can find hiding on the top shelf.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of partaking in the joy that is Assisted Reproduction Treatment, let me introduce you to Lupron. It's a very expensive little hormone that you have to inject into your muscles as part of your treatment. It makes you feel pretty crappy and a bit crazy too. If you get through a cycle and don't finish the whole bottle, your nurse tells you to save it in the fridge "just in case" this cycle fails and you need it again.

Just in case. 

So my logical brain tells me that this too needs to be thrown away. After all, my FET worked and I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with Frosty. So why do I need this old bottle of fertility hormone taking up space in my small UK fridge?? Sigh, I do miss my ginormous US fridge, and washer, and tumble dryer,,,, but I digress.

I think I should point out that since losing my son almost 18 months ago, my logical brain hasn't been getting much action. I'm sure it's still there somewhere, but it's hardly heard from these days. When it does try and pop back in to offer it's two cents it gets quickly stomped all over by my emotions. This case was no exception.

Just as my logical brain was telling my hand to grab the Lupron and toss in in the bin my emotions screamed, "STOP!" Stop right now! You can't throw that away! You may be pregnant but you are far from all clear. Just because your baby is alive now doesn't mean he/she will be born that way. You need to keep that bottle... Just In Case.

Just in case things go wrong like last time and I have to start again. Just in case the universe will think I'm getting too smug and happy in this pregnancy and feel the need to smack me around again. Just in case by throwing away that bottle I somehow cause things to go wrong.

Just in case.

It's crazy, I know. My logical brain tells me that even if the worst happens again, that bottle will probably expire before I get to use it again. It tells me that simply keeping (or not keeping) a bottle in the fridge will have no influence on this pregnancy. It tells me that superstition is just plain silly. But my emotions smacked that logical brain of mine down again and would not allow my hand to throw that bottle away.

So there it sits. Just in case.

*This is my contribution to the Managing The Fear BLM Link Up that I started last week. As you can see, I'm not doing a great job managing my fear at the moment. I am so touched by the stories that have been shared by some pretty amazing women. If you haven't had a chance to read their stories, please click on the link above to read them. Also, there are still a few more days until the linky closes so you can still share your story if you'd like. 

Done With The Meds

Last night I "shot the pooper" for the last time. So as of today I am officially off the IVF hormones. I am done with needles and suppositories and all the crazy mood swings that go along with the hormones contained within them.

Wait, I'm pregnant right?? Right, so the crazy hormonal mood swings will most likely continue. But at least they will be due to my own crazy hormones and not due to the extra ones I've been pumping through my body.

Surprisingly I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Mostly I'm relieved. Keeping the schedule of injections and all the rest of it is stressful. It will be nice to live my life without that constant fear that I will miss a dose and jeopardize everything.

I can't tell you how many times I had to wrack my brain to make sure I had indeed done my injection that day. It's a stress that I no longer have to worry about.

It does feel strange though. I've been digging into my bag-o-meds on a daily basis since August,,, and that's just the meds for this cycle. So it will be a huge relief to not have to bother with it all.

It also means I'm approaching my second trimester. A fact that seems amazing to me. How has it already been that long? Not that it seems like yesterday when I got my first positive test, but it's already been almost 3 months? Really??? I'm approaching my second trimester? Wow, that denial thing I'm doing is working really well.I seem to have lost all sense of passing time.

I am slightly scared to be off all the meds though. It's my understanding that they have you take the hormones after the transfer to help your body keep the pregnancy going. Obviously I'm no doctor and I'm sure I'm not saying it quite right, but you get what I mean. There is a part of me that has felt a bit more secure knowing I was taking a bit of extra hormones to keep my little Frosty on board. Now that I'm off the hormones I have to depend on my own body to do the same thing.

I know that pregnancy is unpredictable and the hormones wouldn't have kept anything from happening if that is what was meant to be. But the extra medication feels like a bit of a security blanket. There is a small part of me that wonders what harm would come if I just took the hormones for an extra day or two. Or an extra week?

As tempting as it may seem, I will not be taking my medication beyond what my Doctor has prescribed. I don't know if it would be harmful to take the hormones after the recommended date. Maybe they have you stop now because it would be bad to continue. The last thing I want is to do anything to cause harm to Frosty.

The other reason I won't take the hormones past today is because at some point I've got to go off them. I suspect I will be a bit scared whenever that day is. So no matter if it's today, or two days from now I've still got to do it. A leap of faith if you will. Trusting that my body will start doing it's job without help from supplemental progesterone and estrogen. Trusting that this time things will end well. Now that's a tall order isn't it??

The Last Jab

Last night I did my last injection of del Estrogen.

The very last jab!! <---Insert cheers and applause here.

I can't tell you just how excited I am to not have to inject myself with anymore needles! I still have to "shoot the pooper" twice a day with progesterone, but only until next week. Then I'm DONE with all the hormones. I can't wait!

Our next ultrasound is on Monday. This is the NT scan where they check for your risk of downs syndrome and a few other things as well. I'm hoping for a good result on this one since our egg donor is in her 20's. I'm also happy for another chance to see Frosty.

I am praying that there is a good heartbeat and we can see our little Frosty wiggling around in there. I have this lingering fear that we will go in on Monday and see nothing. The Hubby gets mad at me and tells me to have positive thoughts. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I am having positive thoughts.
I am having positive thoughts.
I am having positive thoughts.

My Super-Classy Infertility Glossary

Fertility treatments,,,,,,, ahhhhh good times! I don't know many people who have gone through them who don't look back in horror at some of the indignities they entail.

I know, I know,,, you will tell me that bringing home a healthy baby is worth all the needle sticking and vaginal probing. And I'm not one to disagree. If in fact I am able to bring this baby home so it can cry all night and poop and pee on me I will be eternally grateful. However that does not take away from some of the things I've chosen to endure in order to get there.

What I'd like to talk about today is the actual process of getting pregnant via these doctor-assisted means. If anyone had told me that someday I'd be injecting myself with needles and doing twice daily suppositories in order to get and stay pregnant, I'd have told them they were crazy. It truly is amazing the things we are asked to do on the quest for our take-home babies.

I have found over the years that the only way to cope with losing what was left of my dignity is to laugh and make jokes. To that effect, I have given the various bits and bobs of my infertility journey nicknames. Nicknames that I am now going to share with all of you. An infertility glossary of sorts. I should probably preface this by saying that I am super classy and so of course my glossary is full of very classy terminology (insert sarcasm here).

Still interested? Then read on, but you have been warned!

Auntie Flo- Your period, which either comes when you don't want it to. Like when you're hoping you might actually be pregnant. Or doesn't come when you do want it to. Like when you're wanting to start a new IVF cycle.

My bag-o-meds.

Bag-O-Meds- The giant bag you end up having to buy to house all your super-expensive IVF drugs.

Beta Test- A form of torture. You think you might be pregnant (especially if you've cheated already and peed on a stick) but you still have to take the blood test to see if your hormone levels agree. If you get a 0 then you're out. If you get anything besides a 0 then you have to test several more times to see if your cycle was a success or a failure. It's a long drawn out process and even then you end up having to wait for the ultrasound to see if you're actually pregnant.

Collection Room- The one and only sacrifice our dear husbands have to make. And when I say sacrifice I am laughing hysterically. This is the room where you hubby goes to wack off into a cup. My hubby has been in many of these and tells me that the quality of both the accommodations and reading material can vary widely depending on the facility. From the bathroom of a lab with no dirty magazines to the Rolls Royce of all collection rooms which has leather reclining chairs, porn on demand on the TV, and a remote control. He thinks that a tour of this room should be done before final clinic selection.

Egg Donor- An angel from heaven. A woman who decides to donate her eggs so that sad, sorry, grieving, over 40, infertile women like me can have a baby. I believe there should be a special place in heaven for egg and sperm donors.

Frosty- Our little frozen embryo who has decided to stick around for the past 10 weeks. I am hoping and praying that our little frosty grows into our take-home rainbow baby who will cry all night and pee and poop on us.

IVF- A process that relieves you of your future children's college money before they are even conceived. Unless you are lucky enough to have health coverage that pays for it, in which case I am super jealous and am not sure I can be friends with you!

My jabby jab survival kit.

Jabby Jab- All the injections you have to do along the way. Some are tiny needles and go into your belly. Others are large needles and go into your leg or hip muscles. Some of you have your husbands or friends do them for you. Others, like me, have to jab yourselves. Either way, they leave you with bruising, swelling, numbness, and sometimes itchiness too. Oh, and what they don't tell you is that you have to continue them even after you find out you're pregnant!

License to Carry- The note you get from the doctor that says you can fly on airplanes with all your drugs and needles. Having travelled from the US to the UK for treatment and also travelling from the UK to a few countries in Europe for vacation, I have found this note completely unnecessary. None of the security screeners I encountered ever even asked me about the mass quantities of needles and liquid hormones in my bag. They were always much more concerned with my big boobs and the fact that my underwire bra always sets off the metal detector. I got lots of extra pat downs, but never a bag search.

Mr. Wandy- The beloved vaginal ultrasound wand. This tool of joy is used for all sorts of things. To check your ovaries and follicles, to check your lining, and also to check if you have a viable pregnancy. He is usually dressed in a condom with some lube, but at one of my clinics they just stuck a bright blue rubber glove on him. Nice!

Pee Stick- The Magic 8 Ball for women trying to conceive. You pee on it and it tells you your future, pregnant,,, or not pregnant. The fancy digital ones not only tell you if you are pregnant, but they also tell you how far along you are. It is the only item I am aware of that is socially acceptable to pee on, then take photos of (to post on your  blog of course), and then pass around to your friends and family to examine. Just imagine trying to pass around a wad of used toilet paper and see what kind of responses you would get.

Poking The Bear- All those hormone injections can make a girl a bit testy. At times one can feel like a raging bear ready to explode. At some of these times, The Hubby thought it was funny to say things to try and set me off. At these times I would glare at him and say, "Don't poke the bear." Sometimes it worked and sometimes he went ahead and poked the bear anyway. He paid dearly for those times.

Shoot The Cooch- After receiving the good news that you don't have to inject your progesterone in your leg anymore you may want to cheer. Until you find out that you have to use this plastic popsicle stick looking "applicator" to inject it into your vagina twice a day. I took to referring to this a shooting the cooch because cooch is such a classy word for vagina. Oh, and no one tells you in advance that sometimes this can cause spotting. Until you start spotting and freak out and have to call the nurse. Spotting is bad!!

Shoot The Pooper- After you start spotting and are sure you are having a miscarriage they tell you that the vaginal form of progesterone can sometimes be the cause of the bleeding. You sigh in relief because you know that you are not losing your baby, you just have a sensitive cervix. Your doctor tells you he will switch you to the anal form of progesterone. Good times!! Since I could no longer announce I was shooting the cooch I changed my terminology to shooting the pooper since that was now what I was doing. Amazingly, this process is not nearly as horrifying as it may sound. Or maybe I've just got no boundaries left.

Sunglasses- Another side effect of all the hormone injections is random crying episodes. I have found these episodes especially enjoyable and not at all embarrassing. Ok, I lie. I find them absolutely horrifying and terribly embarrassing. As a result, I highly recommend carrying a large pair of sunglasses with you wherever you go. That way you can pop them on when your hormones decide that crying in a grocery store, or on public transportation is a great idea.



So there you have it. My super-classy glossary of infertility. Have I missed anything? Do you have a few of your own that you think should be added to this list?? If so then feel free to add yours in the comments,,, or email me if you're too embarrassed to admit yours in public.

Jet-Lag And The 2 Week Wait

I'm back from my transfer and fighting the jet-lag. It was a short visit to the US and I was just barely adjusting there and now I'm back and have to try and adjust back. Then next week on Monday I'm back to the US to see the family so I have to do it all over again. Although this time I will be going to the west coast so it's an 8 hour time difference. Not fun.

Today it's 5 days past my 5 day transfer and since I'm riddled with jet-lag I've got no idea if I'm feeling any real symptoms. I'm tired and hungry at all the wrong times which can easily be the time difference. I felt yucky after lunch today but that often happens to me when I'm adjusting to new time zones. So again, I have no idea if I feel any different.

I suppose it's silly playing this game with myself considering the last time I was pregnant I didn't feel any different until 7 weeks in. But like anyone in the 2WW I'm letting my mind play tricks on me. I suppose that just goes with the territory.

Beta is not until the 26th so I've got a ways to go. Oh, and I still don't know where I am going to be doing it yet. I don't have a doctor in California anymore and so the nurse at my US clinic is trying to find a lab where I can have it done. I just hope she can find someplace close to where we are staying.

So for now I'm just doing my injections and trying to live my life as normal as possible.

Frosty Update

My FET is moving right along. For those of you not entrenched in the world of IVF lingo, FET means frozen embryo transfer. I call mine frosty because it sounds cuter than FET and I try to avoid too many abbreviations and acronyms because I start to confuse myself at times.

No non-doctor should have to know this many medical terms,,, but alas that's life in the day of an infertile.

I've been injecting myself like a trooper and the poor hubby has been enduring the mood swings that go along with it. In a few days I will go back in for a date with Mr. Wandy (the internal ultrasound wand that gets inserted "you know where") to check my lining. *Must remember to shave my legs before that one.

As long as my lining and hormone levels are good then I can book my flight to the US to be reunited with Frosty. So if all goes well I'm about a week and a half away from my embryo transfer. I'm getting excited!

Out, Damned Spot!

No, it's not stain removal I'm talking about it. It's spots. The kind that appear on your face. In the US we call them pimples but here in the UK they are called spots. I like the term because it makes them sound much more like the unwanted visitors they are. 

What is the deal with all these spots/pimples on my face??? It's bad enough that I have to deal with the emotional side effects of the IVF hormone injections but this too? Seriously, it's just not right. I am way too old to be dealing with this. I think it should be illegal for these nasty things to appear on the face of anyone over 30!

It's like I'm going through a second puberty. Except that I've already got my period, my boobs, and all the extra fabulous body hair. So I'm stuck with the moodiness and the pimples. Sounds sexy doesn't it? I'm sure the hubby would agree with you but he's way to scared of me to admit it. 

This sucks!

*I thought I'd go all literary with the title to raise the level of this post. Not sure it worked though.

Good Thing I've Got These

My frozen embryo cycle is underway and I'm back on the del Estrogen injections. I've only done a few but I'm already feeling the hormones.

It's amazing how much more emotional a few cc's of estrogen can make me.

It's the crying that bothers me the most. The smallest thing can set me off. And as usual it doesn't matter where I am, I can cry just as easily in public as I can in private.

It's so annoying!

Good thing I carry these around with me. 

Chanel makes everything better!

If you've gotta hide your red puffy eyes and tears at least you can do it in style, right??

Frosty The Embryo- I'm Coming To Get You!

The bad news was that my first donor egg IVF cycle did not result in me being pregnant. The good news was that we had one embryo to freeze. Obviously I had hoped that our little frosty could be used as a sibling for embryo #1, but as it turns out frosty was just waiting patiently for me to return to claim him/her.

My frozen cycle is in full swing. I went off the pill last Friday and my auntie flo was a good little girl and arrived on Monday,,, right on schedule. If there's one thing I can always count on, it's AF, she's one of the most reliable things in my life.

Today was my baseline ultrasound (on day 3 of my period,,,, yuck) and blood work. They told me my lining looks good and if the blood work comes back fine then I'm back on the injections tomorrow. Not that I'm looking forward to injecting myself again. But the injections mean progress, and progress is good.

At the moment the transfer is scheduled for October 13th. I'm hoping my body responds like it should so I don't have any more delays. The only crappy part is that the hubby has a work trip scheduled for the week of the 13th so I'll be going to the US on my own this time.

So get ready frosty, I'm coming to get you!

Our First Donor Update

Today I got the first update on how our donor is doing. According to the clinic she is doing well and we are all on track. She will have another scan on Friday so we will get another update then. I have a scan on Friday as well so hopefully both updates will be good ones.

Once I finished reading the email I was hit with this overwhelming wave of emotion. I've been doing my best to compartmentalize what we're doing.

I've been taking things in small steps.

1. First I inject with lupron. 
2. Then I have a scan. 
3. Scan is good. 
4. I start injecting with del estrogen. 
5. I have my next scan.

Thinking about the task at hand. Avoiding thinking about the big picture. But today it all hit me. This is getting very real.

The hubby is trying to remind me that we need to take it step by step. We are sharing our donor and so there is always a chance that the cycle could be cancelled if there aren't enough eggs to go around. He is doing his best to keep me calm and not get ahead of myself.

But I can't help it. Blame it on the hormones rushing through my body, or blame it on optimism,,, but I'm starting to think that this cycle will go ahead as planned. And it's all a bit overwhelming.

It's also amazing to think that there is a woman who lives in a different country than I do. A woman who has never met me. A woman who is willing to inject herself with hormones, and do scans, and have an egg retrieval. A woman who is doing all of this so that a stranger can have a baby.

There is a woman who went in for a scan today in order to donate her eggs to me. I know I will never meet her, but to me she is an angel. What an amazing gift that she is willing to offer.

All for a stranger.

That's all for now. I will post more as it happens.

Cycling On: Hormones-a-Raging

11 injections down, 7 injections to go!!! Well it's really more than 7, but my current schedule only goes until transfer day. Transfer day! Wow, I can't believe I'm over halfway there!!

It seemed like such an abstract concept, but now it's two weeks away and no longer abstract. It's quickly becoming a reality.

I've got another scan next week to make sure all is going as it should. So remind me to shave my legs for my appointment with the "internal" ultrasound machine. I've seen others give it cute little nick names like Mr. Wandy or dildo cam. What do you call it?? I'd love to know. Post your nick name in the comments and if I like one then I'll start using it. Otherwise I'll just be boring and refer to it by it's medical name.

I am definitely starting to feel the effects of the hormones. I am moody and quick to anger and/or tears,,,, or both if the mood strikes me. The hubby will ask me something simple and I almost bite his head off.

He's been doing a good job at trying to find the humor in it all. He's been making all sorts of jokes about me and my hormones,,,, but not when I'm actually in mood of course,,, he's not that stupid. Mostly they make me laugh, and at times like these it's important to be able to laugh, especially at myself when I'm acting crazy.

I've been trying very hard to maintain awareness of when I'm being a moody bitch and bite my tongue. It's not been easy, but I'm trying really hard. I am trying really hard not to take it out on the hubby. After all, it's not his fault that the hormones are making me feel this way.

• It's not his fault that he's the closest one to me when my mood swings. 
• It's not his fault that it's not socially acceptable to smack total strangers when they stop right in front of me. 
• It's not his fault that any little thing can make me want to cry. 
• It's not his fault that I can't find my keys.
• It's not his fault that I burnt the toast.
• It's not his fault that I've just got all light headed.
• It's not his fault that I'm having a hot flash.
• It's not his fault that everyone else in the room is an idiot.
• It's not his fault that people let their kids run all over the grocery store like wild animals and one of them just ran over my foot with their shopping trolley.
• It's not his fault.

So I'm doing my best not to take it out on him. Sometimes with more success than others.

On Holiday

I am on holiday in Spain. It's a much needed break both for the hubby and myself. He's been super busy at work and I've been super busy getting us moved into our new place. So really the timing is perfect.

I still have to do all my injections while I'm here. In fact I've got one to do tonight. Got lots of Spanish wine at the ready! Speaking of injections, I had no issue getting my meds and syringes onto the plane. I was worried that I would be hassled, but it was no problem.

I may not post much while I'm here. And I'm on the hubby's laptop which for some reason won't let me comment on any blogs..... strange. But anyway if you don't see me here or hear from me on your blogs that's why.

Have a great week everyone!

Off We Go

This cycle is off and running! My first scan and blood work were done today. I have to say it's a bit icky to have an "internal" scan during your period. It's not the nicest experience and I would imagine it's even worse the poor nurse who has to do it.

Ok, gross,,, TMI,,, sorry about that. I try not to be flippant when talking about the yucky stuff but it becomes so normal I sometimes forget that it may gross some people out.

Anyway, the scan went well. My lining is nice and thin just like they want it to be. My hormone levels are all good too. So I'm officially off the lupron and on the del estrogen.

I just finished my first "in the muscle" injection and I am indeed getting braver. I didn't hesitate at all, I just jabbed that needle right in. It may have helped that I just got back from a leaving party for a friend who is moving to the US and had a few glasses of wine. But I'm taking the credit that I didn't hover over my leg for 20 minutes before literally taking the plunge.

It did hurt more than I remember from the mock cycle. Perhaps I hit a more sensitive spot, or perhaps it's just bad luck. But either way it's done!!

A Brief Cycle Update

Well I'm one week into my donor egg cycle and figured I'd give you all an update.

I don't think it's hit me yet. I mean I'm off the birth control pills and I'm injecting myself everyday,,, but I don't think it's really sinking in.

What we're doing here.

The hugeness of it all.

We're going to be making a baby with a donor egg and my husband's sperm. That embryo will be implanted into me where it will hopefully grow into a living breathing baby. One that we get to take home with us in a car seat.

It's huge, right?

But so far I am feeling like my normal self but with a schedule of injections and scans.

My first scan is tomorrow morning. If all goes well then I will be told to stop injecting the lupron and start injecting the Del estrogen. I am not super excited about that because that one has to be injected into the muscle which is much more scary than the ones that go into your tummy. But I've been doing jabs all week and it hasn't been too scary. So maybe this time around the muscle ones will be easier?

Even better, I will be doing them at night which means I can have wine for assistance!!! I had to do the lupron in the mornings so no wine. As much as I do love a good bottle glass of wine, even I couldn't figure out a way to justify a glass of wine at 8:30 every morning. But 8:30 at night,,,, well that's not an issue!!!

Perhaps I was expecting to be more nervous? Perhaps I was expecting to feel more hormonal? Or perhaps it's just early in the cycle and all the hormones haven't kicked in yet. Only time will tell.

On a lighter note..... Vacation prep update. You know you all do it!
Yes, even in the midst of grieving or getting ready for an IVF cycle I'm still just a little bit vain. Every trip requires a bit of prep, especially if said trip includes me in a bathing suit.

So here's where I'm at with that. I've been tanning, gotten a pedicure, and had a bikini wax.

So I'm just a cute new outfit or two away from being ready for Spain!!

3 more days!!

Traveling With Needles

I woke up feeling achy today. Like that feeling you get when you have a fever. I think it may be the lupron finally kicking in. Still no crazy to speak of,,,, but the hubby is home now so he may have a different opinion on that : ) .

Speaking of the hubby, he's back from his whirlwind series of business trips. Yay!! Even better, he is on vacation for the next two weeks! That's right boys and girls, I said two weeks. One of the things we love the most about living here in England is that taking two weeks off is considered pretty standard. Employers do not "frown upon" it as most people do it. It's normal here. I'm sure all my fellow Americans will be able to relate to how awesome this is since back in the US you get one week and that's it. If you want to take two together you usually have to have a really good reason and get special approval.

I'm not sure the hubby has kicked into "vacation mode" just yet. He didn't get home until yesterday afternoon and even this morning he still seems quiet and a bit on edge. But I give it another day or two and then I will have my happy, smiley, vacation hubby! I really like that guy!!

We will be staying here for a few days so the hubby can get into full vacation mode and then we're off to Spain! Woo Hoo!! I am soooooo looking forward to it. This will not be our usual sightseeing and tours kind of holiday though. We've booked a place where we can sleep late, lay by the pool, and get spa treatments. This is definitely a lazy holiday. Just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, I must remember to bring my prescription that says I can travel with needles and medications. That's right,,,, in addition to all the relaxing and massages I still have to inject myself. I don't get a vacation from IVF. But no complaints, I think a relaxing week away will put me in the right frame of mind for the embryo transfer. Plus I will be doing my injections in the comfort of a 5-star resort in Spain!

*I just re-read and noticed that I used the terms vacation and holiday interchangeably. Hilarious!! One of the side effects of having lived here in the UK for almost six years is that I often mix up UK and US terminology. I have gotten to the point where I forget which is which sometimes. I'm sure my fellow expats can relate to this!