A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

Just In Case?

There's not a lot going on in my schedule this Sunday afternoon so I decided it was time to clean out the fridge. It's one of those jobs that just has to be done from time to time. Who says my life isn't glamorous?

So I'm going through the shelves, throwing out old left overs and some surprisingly scary onions when I come across this.

Amazing what you can find hiding on the top shelf.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of partaking in the joy that is Assisted Reproduction Treatment, let me introduce you to Lupron. It's a very expensive little hormone that you have to inject into your muscles as part of your treatment. It makes you feel pretty crappy and a bit crazy too. If you get through a cycle and don't finish the whole bottle, your nurse tells you to save it in the fridge "just in case" this cycle fails and you need it again.

Just in case. 

So my logical brain tells me that this too needs to be thrown away. After all, my FET worked and I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with Frosty. So why do I need this old bottle of fertility hormone taking up space in my small UK fridge?? Sigh, I do miss my ginormous US fridge, and washer, and tumble dryer,,,, but I digress.

I think I should point out that since losing my son almost 18 months ago, my logical brain hasn't been getting much action. I'm sure it's still there somewhere, but it's hardly heard from these days. When it does try and pop back in to offer it's two cents it gets quickly stomped all over by my emotions. This case was no exception.

Just as my logical brain was telling my hand to grab the Lupron and toss in in the bin my emotions screamed, "STOP!" Stop right now! You can't throw that away! You may be pregnant but you are far from all clear. Just because your baby is alive now doesn't mean he/she will be born that way. You need to keep that bottle... Just In Case.

Just in case things go wrong like last time and I have to start again. Just in case the universe will think I'm getting too smug and happy in this pregnancy and feel the need to smack me around again. Just in case by throwing away that bottle I somehow cause things to go wrong.

Just in case.

It's crazy, I know. My logical brain tells me that even if the worst happens again, that bottle will probably expire before I get to use it again. It tells me that simply keeping (or not keeping) a bottle in the fridge will have no influence on this pregnancy. It tells me that superstition is just plain silly. But my emotions smacked that logical brain of mine down again and would not allow my hand to throw that bottle away.

So there it sits. Just in case.

*This is my contribution to the Managing The Fear BLM Link Up that I started last week. As you can see, I'm not doing a great job managing my fear at the moment. I am so touched by the stories that have been shared by some pretty amazing women. If you haven't had a chance to read their stories, please click on the link above to read them. Also, there are still a few more days until the linky closes so you can still share your story if you'd like. 

Done With The Meds

Last night I "shot the pooper" for the last time. So as of today I am officially off the IVF hormones. I am done with needles and suppositories and all the crazy mood swings that go along with the hormones contained within them.

Wait, I'm pregnant right?? Right, so the crazy hormonal mood swings will most likely continue. But at least they will be due to my own crazy hormones and not due to the extra ones I've been pumping through my body.

Surprisingly I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Mostly I'm relieved. Keeping the schedule of injections and all the rest of it is stressful. It will be nice to live my life without that constant fear that I will miss a dose and jeopardize everything.

I can't tell you how many times I had to wrack my brain to make sure I had indeed done my injection that day. It's a stress that I no longer have to worry about.

It does feel strange though. I've been digging into my bag-o-meds on a daily basis since August,,, and that's just the meds for this cycle. So it will be a huge relief to not have to bother with it all.

It also means I'm approaching my second trimester. A fact that seems amazing to me. How has it already been that long? Not that it seems like yesterday when I got my first positive test, but it's already been almost 3 months? Really??? I'm approaching my second trimester? Wow, that denial thing I'm doing is working really well.I seem to have lost all sense of passing time.

I am slightly scared to be off all the meds though. It's my understanding that they have you take the hormones after the transfer to help your body keep the pregnancy going. Obviously I'm no doctor and I'm sure I'm not saying it quite right, but you get what I mean. There is a part of me that has felt a bit more secure knowing I was taking a bit of extra hormones to keep my little Frosty on board. Now that I'm off the hormones I have to depend on my own body to do the same thing.

I know that pregnancy is unpredictable and the hormones wouldn't have kept anything from happening if that is what was meant to be. But the extra medication feels like a bit of a security blanket. There is a small part of me that wonders what harm would come if I just took the hormones for an extra day or two. Or an extra week?

As tempting as it may seem, I will not be taking my medication beyond what my Doctor has prescribed. I don't know if it would be harmful to take the hormones after the recommended date. Maybe they have you stop now because it would be bad to continue. The last thing I want is to do anything to cause harm to Frosty.

The other reason I won't take the hormones past today is because at some point I've got to go off them. I suspect I will be a bit scared whenever that day is. So no matter if it's today, or two days from now I've still got to do it. A leap of faith if you will. Trusting that my body will start doing it's job without help from supplemental progesterone and estrogen. Trusting that this time things will end well. Now that's a tall order isn't it??

The Last Jab

Last night I did my last injection of del Estrogen.

The very last jab!! <---Insert cheers and applause here.

I can't tell you just how excited I am to not have to inject myself with anymore needles! I still have to "shoot the pooper" twice a day with progesterone, but only until next week. Then I'm DONE with all the hormones. I can't wait!

Our next ultrasound is on Monday. This is the NT scan where they check for your risk of downs syndrome and a few other things as well. I'm hoping for a good result on this one since our egg donor is in her 20's. I'm also happy for another chance to see Frosty.

I am praying that there is a good heartbeat and we can see our little Frosty wiggling around in there. I have this lingering fear that we will go in on Monday and see nothing. The Hubby gets mad at me and tells me to have positive thoughts. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I am having positive thoughts.
I am having positive thoughts.
I am having positive thoughts.

Random Crying Jags

So here's a pregnancy symptom I didn't have last time around.

Random crying jags.

I thought my days of randomly crying in public were over but apparently I was wrong. It's the strangest thing. I can be doing anything, riding the bus, watching tv, walking down the street, or even sitting on the toilet. Sometimes I've allowed my mind to wander to dangerous places... thinking about my son, or even worse, dreaming about this new pregnancy having a good outcome. Sometimes I'm not thinking about anything related to pregnancy or pregnancy loss. Just doing normal day to day things and BAM, the tears start.

Mostly they don't last long and mostly I can hold them back if I'm in public, but still it's driving me crazy. I'm sure it's just those lovely pregnancy hormones at work. The same ones that are making me tired and giving me that nausea that assures me I am in fact pregnant. But this one is making me feel a bit crazy.

I'm not sure if maybe it's just my fear and anxiety bursting through, or something else. But I wish it would stop. Because the tears and crying jags remind me of life shortly after losing my son. When I had no control over my emotions. When I was a slave to them. And I don't want to have to go back there,,,,, ever again.

I guess that's all for today, apologies for being brief and yet all over the place at the same time. What a mess I am.

Frosty Update

My FET is moving right along. For those of you not entrenched in the world of IVF lingo, FET means frozen embryo transfer. I call mine frosty because it sounds cuter than FET and I try to avoid too many abbreviations and acronyms because I start to confuse myself at times.

No non-doctor should have to know this many medical terms,,, but alas that's life in the day of an infertile.

I've been injecting myself like a trooper and the poor hubby has been enduring the mood swings that go along with it. In a few days I will go back in for a date with Mr. Wandy (the internal ultrasound wand that gets inserted "you know where") to check my lining. *Must remember to shave my legs before that one.

As long as my lining and hormone levels are good then I can book my flight to the US to be reunited with Frosty. So if all goes well I'm about a week and a half away from my embryo transfer. I'm getting excited!

Out, Damned Spot!

No, it's not stain removal I'm talking about it. It's spots. The kind that appear on your face. In the US we call them pimples but here in the UK they are called spots. I like the term because it makes them sound much more like the unwanted visitors they are. 

What is the deal with all these spots/pimples on my face??? It's bad enough that I have to deal with the emotional side effects of the IVF hormone injections but this too? Seriously, it's just not right. I am way too old to be dealing with this. I think it should be illegal for these nasty things to appear on the face of anyone over 30!

It's like I'm going through a second puberty. Except that I've already got my period, my boobs, and all the extra fabulous body hair. So I'm stuck with the moodiness and the pimples. Sounds sexy doesn't it? I'm sure the hubby would agree with you but he's way to scared of me to admit it. 

This sucks!

*I thought I'd go all literary with the title to raise the level of this post. Not sure it worked though.